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Original poster

Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

263 replies

pinkchristmastree11 · 22/12/2021 07:59

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? Sad What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 22/12/2021 13:10

north

I'm.sure my family members got a.bus pass befire 65. If it's changed then it must be a faulty recent change. As In the past 3 years or so.

Doesn't make the question an agist one. It's not a value judgment fgs. I think jts only right that having worked all their.lives some well over the ever rising retirement ages whatever that may be as they keep.changing that they absolutely should get free travel.

Cameleongirl · 22/12/2021 13:13

@Seedandyarn

Terribly cruel and selfish towards your MIL are you always this possessive? Why must he cut down the visits, every 3 weeks isn't often?
Because the OP may lose her job if she keeps taking these half-days if annual leaves at inconvenient (for her workplace) times.

That won’t help anyone if her family ends up in financial difficulties. As a PP suggested, her MIL could start taking the train/taxi for some visits.

whynotwhatknot · 22/12/2021 13:13

My df said we werent visiting him anough after our dm died he said we should be round at least every other day-it just wasnt feasible

every 3 weeks sounds ok in theory until you say you have t take time off work-well that cant go on can it

can he not go after work and dro0p it to once a month instead and not the whole weekend

PrincessNutella · 22/12/2021 13:22

He should probably start picking her up on Saturday morning. You can't take more time off of work.

PrincessNutella · 22/12/2021 13:25

These days we all know how to Zoom, doesn't that take the edge off loneliness?

bigbluebus · 22/12/2021 13:29

My MIL is 93 and severely visually impaired and lives alone in a house (not bungalow). FIL died 2 years ago. She has never relied on family to help her to this extent. BIL and his wife live a mile away and generally see her once a week but are of course available in emergencies. She had surrendered her driving licence and lives rurally. She booked taxis (pre covid) when she needed to get into town, ordered online shopping, and got herself a handyman to do the jobs she can't do herself. I'd like to think I would be like her, not your MIL.

ghostmouse · 22/12/2021 13:30

And this thread is why I don’t rely on anyone family or friends, I don’t want to be a burden even though I’m grieving for dh.

Id hate for anyone to come on here and slag me off after a few months of losing him and saying stuff.

Nice to know what other people think of
Widowed people, just burdens.

ghostmouse · 22/12/2021 13:31

These days we all know how to Zoom, doesn't that take the edge off loneliness?

No it doesn’t. Not when you’ve lost your husband wife etc, what a daft comment

Namechangedforspooky · 22/12/2021 13:32

You’re not a horrible person. My MiL is widowed too although for a lot longer than yours.
I’m not sure it gets easier but it gets marginally less frequent. We also have to take the kids on a long journey to see her once a month. She won’t come here even if we offer to pick her up.
She eventually agreed to come for Christmas but has now refused and is making us go there on Christmas Eve (it is my only day off, I’m working the entire Christmas period and we have 2 kids).
Like your husband we have suggested she moves closer or comes to stay for longer just to ease the pressure on us but everything is refused.
No advice really, ours has been going on for years. We get on with her but we are expected to be at her beck and call and it can be exhausting.

2bazookas · 22/12/2021 13:32

You're right. But.

It's only been a few months; both MIL and DH are adjusting to bereavement. Cut them some slack. She may very well change her mind about moving/driving once she begins to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He will adjust his visits and support.

Namechangedforspooky · 22/12/2021 13:34

I would also say I appreciate it must be very difficult for her. If the bereavement is very recent then now is not the time to be making big life changes like relocating unless she really wants to

TractorAndHeadphones · 22/12/2021 13:35

YANBU - for the sole reason that you’re at risk of losing your job if you keep taking annual leave!

While your MIL is grieving and it’s right for her son to support her you losing your job will help no one.

Yes everyone grieves differently etc but we all need to do it within the parameters of our lives. What if your family lived in another country altogether? What would she expect then?

ReggaetonLente · 22/12/2021 13:37

You could be describing my mum and dad, to a tee. Dad died 3 years ago. These first 6-12 months are awful for you all and truly terrible for MIL but the way she needs you right now isn't how it will be forever. Let him be there for her now and as time goes on you will all find new and better ways to cope. It's still so new. My mum is a different person now to the one she was in those early months, when even as her daughter I wondered how on earth to deal with her needs.

LolaButt · 22/12/2021 13:37

@ghostmouse

And this thread is why I don’t rely on anyone family or friends, I don’t want to be a burden even though I’m grieving for dh.

Id hate for anyone to come on here and slag me off after a few months of losing him and saying stuff.

Nice to know what other people think of
Widowed people, just burdens.

I know. I get you completely.

Sending you love over Christmas xx

tttigress · 22/12/2021 13:40

Well, it's only been a few months, so you are being a bit unreasonable.

However, you need to take steps to gradually get more dependent.

HouseAHunting · 22/12/2021 13:49

It is fine if she doesn't want to drive or learn to drive but she needs to accept the consequences of that! A couple we know refuse to learn to drive or drive, difference is they never expect other people to drive them. They use public transport to get around and don't get other people to transport them around

TurquoiseDragon · 22/12/2021 13:54

We were in a similar situation when ex FIL died. Ex MIL said to us that if she stopped with us she'd never go home, and she insisted on staying in her house alone.

Yes, it may only be a few months since OP's FIL died, but a pattern is already emerging. A pattern that could quickly end up being set in stone, causing more anguish to MIL when (not if) OP's DH tries to reduce the weekends, etc.

This pattern isn't sustainable for OP and family, they're burning out already. Something has to start changing now, even if that's just spacing the visits out a little more.

StickyStickyStickStickSong · 22/12/2021 13:57

@ghostmouse

And this thread is why I don’t rely on anyone family or friends, I don’t want to be a burden even though I’m grieving for dh.

Id hate for anyone to come on here and slag me off after a few months of losing him and saying stuff.

Nice to know what other people think of
Widowed people, just burdens.

😢 Sending you lots of love @ghostmouse ThanksThanks
rookiemere · 22/12/2021 13:58

I think your DH needs more realistic and short term expectations. Asking her to take a taxi and a train when she comes to visit you is going to give results quicker than a reluctant 64 year old learning to drive. Also may give her the confidence to take taxis and trains for other reasons.

When DH is going down he leaves early on Saturday morning instead of Sunday afternoon. If he left at 7 he could be there for 10.

Blanketpolicy · 22/12/2021 13:59

I am surprised at how the grief of suddenly and unexpectedly losing a life partner at a relatively young age, needing support from your son and time to adjust is not only minimised but actually criticised by so many posters, yet, a presumably fit and healthy mum having her own 2 children for 2 days alone every 3 weeks is seen as impossible.

When I/my mum lost my dad it was difficult, I never felt grief like it before, and I am externally thankful dh was supportive of whatever I needed to do. I cannot fathom how hard it must be for your MIL to lose her dh with family so far away from her own life and would support both your dh and MIL until they found their new normal and make the plans and changes for how life will be in the future. Obviously within reason, but less than 5 months since he died, just before Christmas and during the uncertainty of covid restrictions is very very early and I think your expectations at this stage are too high.

I would ask dh to go later on Friday night - he could leave at 8-9 and be there by 11-12 - so you don't need to use holidays. He would have all day Saturday/Sunday with her and drive back Sunday night. Have easy meals planned, forget the housework etc to take the pressure off the weekends he is away.

Roundeartheratchriatmas · 22/12/2021 14:06

I agree. She’s a grown adult who has made her choices and is now expecting you and your husband to run around after her because of those choice.

Nope. Totally agree with you - and while your DP will likely feel guilty he shouldn’t. It’s not his fault nor is it up to him to run her life for her because she’s made impractical choices.

Clymene · 22/12/2021 14:08

The OP has not slagged off her MIL at all. She's stated facts.

That her MIL lives rurally and can't drive
That she and her husband were isolated and she has few friends and no hobbies.

TonTonMacoute · 22/12/2021 14:08

Clearly this is still early days in terms of her bereavement, and I think it's too soon to expect her to make major changes to her life that involve a big upheaval.

However, you cannot possibly carry on as you are and you need to plan a 'managed withdrawal', and gradually cut back what you are doing for her so she realises the impact of her choices.

Why would she move nearer when your DH chauffeurs her around? If she knows she is welcome to come and stay with you but must make her own way there and back, that will be more likely to make her reconsider.

Dixiechickonhols · 22/12/2021 14:11

I don’t think you are heartless voicing these concerns. It’s wrong to set up an expectation that DH will do this for maybe next 35 years.
You can’t keep using leave that’s madness.
I’d encourage public transport. Even if DH needs to accompany her first time. Yes meet her at station etc.
It’s very hard but long term in her interest.

Emerald5hamrock · 22/12/2021 14:12

No. I said similar about my Father when DM died.

I felt angry and guilty we'd to take it on and keep him company, he wasn't the easiest man.

This is not to guilt trip you but Ddad died a year later at 71 and very active.

MIL needs to move closer or look after herself and make a new life for herself, the regular visits cannot continue or her dependence will be worse.