Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

[pinkchristmastree11]

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

It might seem harsh but people really need to think of difficult things as they get older.

Living somewhere with poor public transport when you can't drive is a choice.

Obviously he is going to have to drive when he goes to stay with her (once every 3 weeks is too frequent) but there is no reason she can't get the train to you instead. Maybe they take turns? So she comes to you for the weekend rather than weeks on end?

Bloody hell @pinkchristmastree11 at least let them have their first Christmas without him before you start stamping your feet and declaring it all unfair on you It's been just a few months. Surely one single pick up every few weeks could be done by somebody else (or after school care) on a temporary basis? It sounds like you're fine with it as long as their grief doesn't inconvenience you in the slightest I lost my Dad in 2010 and if mine or my sibling's partner behaved like you I'd be appalled. That first Christmas was excruciating. Have a bloody heart

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

You were right OP and you do need to start thinking about this now, even if you can't make changes right now. I think it's fair enough in the early stages of grieving, but it cannot continue indefinitely. New year, new routine would be my way of dealing with it. Start with gradual changes e.g. she gets the train to you and your DH meets her at the station. And then over time, she needs to realise that her decisions impact her and you are not there to compensate for her poor decision making. I know this sounds harsh, but you do need to protect yourself, not sacrifice yourself to her needs.

I'm going through something not dissimilar with my parents. They're both still alive but they live rurally and rely on my mum as the sole car driver. They're in another country so it can take 24-36 hours to get there. I've offered to support them in moving back to the UK and help them when they're here. They have rejected this. Now that is their decision, but I am not picking up the pieces from that. I have told them that continuing to live where they are means they will see less of me and that they need to make plans according to whoever pre-deceases who.

It is tough and it feels horrible saying these things. But death is awful to deal with anyway so to me it makes sense to get practical things sorted before it happens, then at least you can just deal with the grief, not a load of practical trauma on top of it. Offer your mother-in-law love and support, yes, but do so with a sense of your own needs as well as hers.

@cptartapp

What you say is right. Doesn't sound like MIL has made any plans for what she would do if FIL went first, which was always a 50% chance. No foresight, no preparation for the life she would live and how she would manage. Now she will reap the consequences or have to make different choices. I can't believe she is happy to impose herself and have your busy DH run around after her like this! Indefinitely? It isn't she who should be feeling guilty and sadly the fact it doesn't would taint my opinion of them as a parent. Her wants don't trump yours.

Wow. Total lack of sympathy there towards the newly-bereaved, especially since he was relatively young and had only just retired. You don't make plans for sudden early death.

Of course she's not happy. The love of her life has been taken from her too soon, and she is grieving. You do realise that it usually takes up to two years before you even begin to feel like you can carry on as normal?

Oh and I'm sure looking after your children on your own is quite possible, given that those of us who are widowed/single parents do it alone day in, day out!

It might seem harsh but people really need to think of difficult things as they get older.

Living somewhere with poor public transport when you can't drive is a choice.

I think this sums up my point really. I know it's harsh and I agree with a PP who said my timing was off but she has made those choices and they do have consequences. I'm not saying she needs to make changes immediately but I need to know that this isn't the permanent arrangement because it doesn't feel fair. But maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.

It is suggested that people do not make any big life changes in the first year of someone passing away, like moving house

I wouldn't class getting a bus or train as making a change though.

Even meeting half way would surely be a help.

And don't pensioners get free bus passes?

It was really unkind, but you know that and you're sorry - what more can you do? Definitely understand it impacting on your lives, but your husband and his mum are grieving and they need to take this time to adjust to life without FIL.

I think you're being a bit of an enabler tbh. Taking annual leave every third Friday in case of evening traffic on the M25 seems silly. Either the kids needs to go to after school club/childminder or DH leaves in the evening.

Also, I don't understand why you all wouldn't go? I know all families are different but if my MIL was suddenly widowed she'd love having the grandchildren staying as often as possible. Then you wouldn't be having to deal with them all weekend on your own and could go out and do things to make some nice memories. Might help take her mind off things.

I was widowed in my thirties. Always been really independent, was the higher earner, capable and fairly together.

My husband was killed and I can honestly say it broke me. What a lot of people don’t realise is that in the first year after losing a spouse, the surviving spouse is at a higher risk of dying themselves due to the grief and stress.

It affects you physically and mentally. Sleep is hard to come by and when it does come it’s fairly tortured. Other people are also sad and miss the person who has died but ultimately their day to day lives are still the same. They’re not faced with the suffocation of silence and the empty space in the bed next to them.

Your MIL is now faced with a raft of decisions and responsibilities that she may not have had to shoulder before. Guiding her through these at a gentle but firm pace will be key to her feeling supported.

It’s easy to say move house - her home is where her and FIL had their lives. Moving can feel like a betrayal and an acceptance of the death which she may not be ready for. Forcing it will cause resentment and may complicate the grieving process.

OP, I completely get where you’re coming from. You’re not infallible and also need support to get things done. But I do genuinely implore you to really and truly think about how you would feel if something happened to your husband and those weekends once a month where it is just you and the kids, was your every day life. How would you like others to care for you at your darkest time?

That said, the way things are cannot continue in the long term and compromises need to be made. I know it’s hard to keep supporting people when they’re in the midst of grief, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for no other reason than it’s a kind thing to do.

@Whatwouldscullydo with all due respect no, many older people don't get free bus passes until they are 65 at present. Also, whilst someone under 66/7 may have retired they will be only in receipt of an occupational pension until their state pension becomes payable at 66, 67 or 68. There is no statutory retirement age in the UK and your comment was, imo unnecessarily ageist.

I don't understand why she isn't getting the train?

YANBU

Could he take the kids every other time or something if looking after them is the main issue.

This is a good idea and I'll suggest it but honestly I think he'll be really unhappy at this suggestion. The toddler is at a tricky age and I think he'll find it tough to manage on top of supporting his mum. She's not very proactive about helping.

Ok so the toddler is tricky - he’s the dad ? Why should YOU be left to manage said tricky toddler on your own PLUS another child when there are 2 adults (him and his dm) who could ? The only way for him to get better at parenting this tricky toddler is to actually do it.

Your MIL is an adult and can therefore manage her life needs etc your dc cannot and harsh as it sounds he cannot prioritise her needs over his children indefinitely. If FIL managed transport and other household matters and was her source of socialisation she will need support to get some independence whether that’s learning to drive, using public transport, expanding her social circle , starting hobbies or interests. If your DH steps into his fathers role this won’t happen and if she’s relatively young you could have 20 years of it.

Half a days leave every weeks works out at nearly 9 days in a whole year - that could be almost half your allowance for the entire year - it’s just not sustainable if you want to have a family holiday, need the odd day/ half day for personal reasons etc.

I think you need a plan to reduce the visits, include the dc, stop the use of your annual leave and encourage her independence.

Asking her to move is unreasonable and I know so many people for whom this has been a disaster. left home and community to live near children- some of which have then moved.

For less than the cost of moving she could have an account with a local taxi firm. Call them when needed and they invoice monthly- taken straight from bank

Set up online food deliveries. Think local as well-the farm shop and local store deliver here as well as various national stores (and we are very remote!)

This is what my DM and most of her friends do- works really well.

Half a days leave every 3 weeks

Ageist to ask if she has a bus pass. Really?

Flippin' heck @pinkchristmastree11

I am older than your MIL. I just cannot imagine being like this when my DH dies, I would just feel so so guilty expecting my adult DC to spend all that time supporting me. I know without doubt they will be wonderfully supportive but I would not let them spend every third weekend with me with a huge journey to do so. They have their own lives to lead. Does your MIL think it's going to be like this forever? With your DH doing this? Or does she think he's just supporting her through this difficult grieving time? I wonder...

I think you may have to cope with this - like this - for a year or so, and then, slowly pull back a bit whilst supporting her by telephone etc. and making small changes as a PP said, like the train. Is she computer savvy? Can you do facetime or zoom calls?

The state retirement age if MIL in UK is 66

You can check her state pension forecast on www.gov.uk

@Whatwouldscullydo the elephant in the room is she isn’t a pensioner, even though people seem to think she is. So she wouldn’t qualify.

Honestly, from your title and first half of your post, I was kinda thinking you were the arsehole here but actually reading on, I whole heartedly agree with you.

Your DH is thankfully on the same page as you so you both need to talk to MIL and explain to her that this can't carry on, you can't be expected to use all your holidays just so DH can drive up and he can't be leaving you on your own with 2 small kids, it's not fair.

Also, I know its only been 5 months and it's still a tough time but at 64 years old, she could well have another 20-25 years left, this arrangement can't go on forever and she will need to learn to be independent.

Good luck OP, I know this is difficult, my dad was left on his own after mum passed away but he only lives a mile away and trying to get him out and about has been difficult especially with all the lockdowns etc. Luckily he does spend time with us and has a little cleaning job but he can be quite reluctant to help himself sometimes and it does grate when he is a grown man and I have 2 kids to look after.

When my mil was bereaved after 50yrs of marriage we also had a baby and a toddler. We went to visit her monthly for the weekend, one month we would go as a family and the next month DH went with the children and I stayed home. Not only did I get a break but the children took MIL mind of things for a couple of days.

Then the house next door to us came up for sale and she moved there. Perfect solution.

You are being harsh on the timings though. It's only 3 months. In terms of grieving that's a very short period of time.

The person I have been supporting is older, but some of the same things apply.

Things learnt

When my MIL lost her husband, she was 70. DH, her only child, went once a week to see her (about a hour drive each way) for two months. I also told him he should go on a holiday with her she had had planned before her husband’s decease, so he did that for 10 days whilst I stayed at home (we were engaged, not married at that point).

After that, we got married, moved across the country due to DH’s new job, and then we saw MIL once a month for years. We’d call her and check on her in the interim, but she said, well, I need to get on with it, don’t it? And she did. She’s been active and busy…she doesn’t drive, but is in a small market town and has been involved in social groups, volunteer work, civic society, and took bus and rail trip with other retired people all over the world. I’m v. proud of her…she’s done retirement right and is a joy to be around.

She’s in her late 80s now. I took a job to be closer to her….we are 20 minutes away. We go over about 2-3x a month for a visit/to fix things/help her out, and I talk to her on the phone every few days.. DH and I don’t have kids, so we weren’t juggling like the OP.

The point for OP is that visits will increase as she gets older. She’ll need more…we just were over there to help sort through some paperwork and fix some lights in her cellar, and to drop off some Christmas presents. If you get in a pattern now of being over there a lot, your MIL will get more dependent, and she is only 64. My MIL was still doing pharmacy locums at that age, in fact till she was 75. It is OK to tail things off after 5 months a little…get her to take the train to see you, go over once a month or every six weeks for a while, rather than every three weeks. You can call or face time in between to see how she is doing. Yes, she is still grieving, and that’s very, very hard. But you’ll only get resentful if you are running yourself ragged. YANBU to take this gradual approach or broach it with your DH.

Gosh she is very selfish wanting to take her sons time from his family life