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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Snapped at DH about widowed MIL, feeling guilty

263 replies

pinkchristmastree11 · 22/12/2021 07:59

DH and I are from opposite ends of the country, he is an only child and I have one sibling who is severely disabled.

FIL died suddenly and unexpectedly a few months ago. He was relatively young (only just retired) and still very active. MIL is understandably devastated, they had been together since their teens. They were true soulmates, very dependant on each other and both quite introverted so had very few other friends. MIL has no other living family. She has two close friends, otherwise she doesn't work, doesn't volunteer, isn't part of any local groups, doesn't go to church etc.

She lives 3 hours away from us in a semi rural area with an unreliable bus service and doesn't drive.

DH has suggested she a) learn to drive or b) moves closer to us. Or ideally both. She won't entertain either (I don't really understand her reasons tbh).

Since FIL died DH has been going to visit MIL every third weekend and she's come to stay with us twice for 2-3 weeks at a time. As she doesn't drive, he goes to pick her up which is a six hour round trip.

She's staying with us throughout xmas/new year and last night DH was talking about his next visit in mid-Jan. For the first time, I got a bit annoyed about it. I'm totally exhausted - we have two DC of our own (toddler and primary school), no family support, and life is busy enough at the best of times. Every time he goes to MIL's I have to take a half day annual leave as he usually does pick up in the latter half of the week so I have to cover (and I don't know how much longer my work will tolerate this). Then it's a whole weekend of looking after the DC on my own, DH comes home exhausted and we are all back to work/school/childcare on Monday morning.

I basically said that MIL is a grown adult capable of making her own decisions and I respect that, but she has to accept that if she won't move closer and won't learn to drive, she isn't going to see as much of DH as she would like to and it's time to start cutting down on the frequency of the visits. DH actually agreed with me but I have been feeling so guilty ever since.

Any thoughts on how to handle? Am I a horrible person? Sad What can we do to make the situation easier and help MIL without making our lives even harder?

OP posts:
frogswimming · 22/12/2021 12:28

I would suggest she moves in with you. You'd have an extra pair of hands to take the pressure off even if it's just making sure the kids don't destroy the house while you're in the shower, your kids would have their grandma near them, she doesn't have much to leave behind by the sound of it. Win win.

Wexone · 22/12/2021 12:29

I do get you OP and you have my sympathies. We are in similar situation except my FIL died 4 years ago. We live alot nearer like only down the road but nearly every eve my partner has to go visit her. We have to consider her in everything we do now . Were lucky that she does drive and before Covid she had a good social life. There are others in the family but as we have no children it seems to be left to us to visit her. It annoys me as our evening is interrupted most days. If we are on the way home from somewhere and we are passing we always have to call in , which means we are delayed getting home. I more than likely then will get some job to do like order something on line or fix something. I do love her and she is a very nice women however it can be exhausting. Himself is like its only down the road , its only half an hour but doesn't get it by the time that we finish work do dinner and go to her house its like 8pm before were home so wind down time is reduced before we go to bed around 10 or if i need to do anything to get ready the next morning am rushing. One thing i would suggest though is don't mention moving house etc yet - we were advised not to suggest any big changes for the 1st year. I would do as people say reduce the visit time, you go sometimes, then try going by train etc and showing her how to use it. Or suggest driving lessons but i would wait a bit before doing this, she is only in the early stages of grief

LolaButt · 22/12/2021 12:29

@canary1

Gosh she is very selfish wanting to take her sons time from his family life
That says a lot about who you are as a person.
TinStreet7Qual1ty · 22/12/2021 12:30

In UK the average ife span is into a person 80s

Although the stats may adjust down due to covid

So yes, could be another 20+ years

I would suggest encouraging independence over time

TinStreet7Qual1ty · 22/12/2021 12:32

Different people react differently to grief

Some people take a short time, some a long time, some forever

BertramLacey · 22/12/2021 12:38

You don't make plans for sudden early death.

My partner has a will that includes provision for his still-dependent DC. My will included provisions for my horse, when I had one, in case I died early and suddenly. It's not unusual to make plans for a sudden, early death. It's grim, but it is practical. And whilst it might seem very harsh, ultimately it does mean that if the worst happens, you can deal with the grief without also having to sort out all the practical shit.

The last thing I wanted was for me to be hit by a bus and for my family to be thinking 'wtf do we do with the horse?' If you've got dependants or a spouse/ partner, it's a good idea to do these things. I recognise that not everybody does but it's not an outlandish thing to prepare for.

inawe · 22/12/2021 12:42

It's very early days yet, but it isn't sustainable. It's good your DH is on the same page, but he needs to make it clear to her that it's breaking you.

How old is she? Has she ever worked or is she retired too? If she's in good health she needs to be using trains to get to yours.

I understand how difficult it can be - my FIL died when MIL was in her 60s and she had never worked, never driven. She also had a problem with using trains and taxis, but no problem at all with my DH doing a 4 hour round trip to ferry her around. I reached my breaking point after a 4 week stay at ours one Christmas a couple of years after he died, when my own widowed dad took me to one side and said something needed to change (after he'd watched me run round after her, while she criticised the food I cooked, criticised my parenting and much more) - he said this will destroy your marriage.

I know this won't change your situation now, but I actually take a very dim view of people (and it is usually women) who never learn to drive, especially if they live rurally, if there is no practical or financial reason not to. I have seen at least 5 widowed women in this situation over the past twenty or so years, all left with a car that they can't drive. All of whom have expressed regret that they never learned.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/12/2021 12:42

Like BertramLacey we have always had plans too. Many years ago DH made sure I knew where all the essential docs were, set up wills, etc.

Cheeeesecake · 22/12/2021 12:43

YANBU. Tricky situation for all of you. I think you have to make clear is that what you’re doing now is short-term, and you need to soon make a plan for long-term.

Are there any of those retirement villages near you? The ones where houses are cheaper for over 55s. That way she could make friends and also be closer to you.

RosesAndHellebores · 22/12/2021 12:44

I agree with inawe over the driving. MIL has a little bit of an excuse as she's 85 and lives in a City. But a woman of 64 not driving seems unusual. She's only a couple of years younger than me.

Squeezita · 22/12/2021 12:47

@TinStreet7Qual1ty

Different people react differently to grief

Some people take a short time, some a long time, some forever

But it's not others people jobs to drive you around forever.
canary1 · 22/12/2021 12:48

LolaButt

But I do think it is selfish. And many people here have not dissimilar views.

What on earth do you think this says ‘ about me as a person’ ? That I think asking all this time of your son who has a young family is unreasonable? That I believe not learning to drive or do things for yourself has consequences and asking others to make up for these is selfish?

What nonsense you talk. I am perfectly happy that I am just stating objective facts!

Clymene · 22/12/2021 12:48

@frogswimming

I would suggest she moves in with you. You'd have an extra pair of hands to take the pressure off even if it's just making sure the kids don't destroy the house while you're in the shower, your kids would have their grandma near them, she doesn't have much to leave behind by the sound of it. Win win.
That's possibly the most terrible idea I've seen on here for a long time
Mellowyellow222 · 22/12/2021 12:55

@cptartapp

What you say is right. Doesn't sound like MIL has made any plans for what she would do if FIL went first, which was always a 50% chance. No foresight, no preparation for the life she would live and how she would manage. Now she will reap the consequences or have to make different choices. I can't believe she is happy to impose herself and have your busy DH run around after her like this! Indefinitely? It isn't she who should be feeling guilty and sadly the fact it doesn't would taint my opinion of them as a parent. Her wants don't trump yours.
This took my breath away - it is so harsh.

This is a woman in hero’s ties I assume who has just lost her husband. The grief is fresh. A little bit of compassion goes along way.

LolaButt · 22/12/2021 12:55

@canary1

LolaButt

But I do think it is selfish. And many people here have not dissimilar views.

What on earth do you think this says ‘ about me as a person’ ? That I think asking all this time of your son who has a young family is unreasonable? That I believe not learning to drive or do things for yourself has consequences and asking others to make up for these is selfish?

What nonsense you talk. I am perfectly happy that I am just stating objective facts!

I’ve clearly touched a nerve. Read into it what you want.

It’s not selfish for a mother to need her son.

Mellowyellow222 · 22/12/2021 12:55

This is a woman in her sissies that should have read.

I was so angry my typing suffered

Thelnebriati · 22/12/2021 12:57

Your DH needs to sort out someone to pick up the DC's and arrange childcare instead of expecting you to take time off work.

Cocomarine · 22/12/2021 12:58

@frogswimming

I would suggest she moves in with you. You'd have an extra pair of hands to take the pressure off even if it's just making sure the kids don't destroy the house while you're in the shower, your kids would have their grandma near them, she doesn't have much to leave behind by the sound of it. Win win.
Shock
Squeezita · 22/12/2021 12:59

I agree with @canary1 that this is taking a husband away from wife and child and leaving the wife to be exhausted with two small dc.

Now is the time to start setting in boundaries and if MIL thinks that this should be a long term arrangement then this would indeed make her selfish.

We don’t know that yet but it would be madness to wait and see what MIL expects, much better to set expectations now.

These visits of 2-3 weeks must also be exhausting for OP. It’s not fair to raise one woman up at the expense of another.

inawe · 22/12/2021 12:59

Just seen that she's 64, only a couple of years older than me. But more than old enough to have made plans for if your partner dies. I don't mean that to sound harsh, she will be grieving terribly, but she does sound like she has lived in a bit of a bubble.

If my DH dies before me, I have a rough plan of what I would do with my life, depending on how old I was. DH is quite a bit older than me, and has a disability that can affect life expectancy so it's something I had to consider quite early on. She has been extremely shortsighted, but as a PP said, you cannot be responsible for her poor choices.

HouseAHunting · 22/12/2021 13:00

Surely frogswimming was joking?!

canary1 · 22/12/2021 13:05

LolaButt

Nope you’ve not touched any nerves. I have no experience of such a situation! I am just reading the facts!

FangsForTheMemory · 22/12/2021 13:06

Is it possible for her to move to somewhere in the same area but with better public transport links? Eg to the nearest small town with a railway station? If it is, you might suggest this in passing for now, so that she has time to think about it.

BertramLacey · 22/12/2021 13:07

I know this won't change your situation now, but I actually take a very dim view of people (and it is usually women) who never learn to drive, especially if they live rurally, if there is no practical or financial reason not to. I have seen at least 5 widowed women in this situation over the past twenty or so years, all left with a car that they can't drive. All of whom have expressed regret that they never learned.

I think it's fine not to drive and it would be better for many reasons if we were all far less dependent on cars. But, we are dependent on cars and I do agree that if you live rurally, you really need to either drive or learn to live independently without a partner who can drive. Ultimately it's very selfish to live rurally and depend on other people to drive you. Either learn to drive or move, don't just expect other people to pick up the pieces of your decision making.

This is not however how I would phrase it to a recently widowed woman! She needs sympathy and support, but also to understand that the current provisions are short term and will not work in the long term.

Dentistlakes · 22/12/2021 13:08

It’s natural for your DH to want to support his mother at this time but clearly the current arrangements are unsustainable. She needs to either move or learn to drive so she can make her own way about. YANBU.