Refusing to hostess

[SecondSwitch]

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap.

Not quite true. Mum did give them presents and prepared their favourite foods for them.

Mum does do Christmas. She just doesn’t do mummy martyrdom.

@Bananarama21

I voted yabu your suppose to be a team and your dh is doing all the work whilst you nap, surely if you two the work together it takes less time.

...or they do whatever works for their family?

Well you do sound lazy and a bit selfish but you made it clear from the start that was your stance so in that respect YANBU.

*I think this says masses - they assume you're cleaning

Cleaning; for an hour or more, on Christmas day.

This is so sexist - no-one would EVER assume that of a man but it is OK, reasonable even, to assume that of a woman.*

Exactly this!
I'm not sure if some people are calling the OP selfish because they slave away every Christmas and expect her to do the same. But it sounds like the OP is doing what works for her family. Her kids still have a great time at Christmas, all she's saying is she doesn't want to host. What the hell is wrong with that?!

She has now problem with DH inviting who we wants and if they want, they can make their own food. Sounds perfect to me tbh, enjoy your midday nap!

In our house it's a team effort between me and my partner. I think that's the only way you can get through the day without one or the other feeling resentful! Took a few years but we have it down to a fine art now and we each have our tasks that we do and it's very stress free now. I can see why people would have that perception of you if they are watching your DH do everything and you do nothing. But it is your prerogative at the end of the day!

@KarmaStar

My word! As you asked,yes yabu.For so many reasons. I'm actually surprised you cannot see how selfish and self absorbed you are.it's your way or the highway.

What reasons are they?

@Luredbyapomegranate

The world needs more women like you

It would be a more equal place 👏👏👏

This in bucketloads 😆🍷😆🍷😆🍷

@KarmaStar

My word! As you asked,yes yabu.For so many reasons. I'm actually surprised you cannot see how selfish and self absorbed you are.it's your way or the highway.

Bless you for being so wrong.

Thing is, I bet literally millions of men don’t do even half as much as you do. But no one gives a shit. Fuck the patriarchy. It’s not your job to do all the wife work

@woodlandarchitect

It’s just a fucking roast, get over it. Lots of people snooze after Christmas dinner.

OP you sound like a self entitled martyr who enjoys being a miserable inconvenience.

Also, why did you marry someone you don’t like doing family things with?

You aren’t as unique as you think you are. And I get the impression you enjoy being a moody snowflake

Oh dear 😕 someone’s cage got rattled!

@over2021

Well you do sound lazy and a bit selfish but you made it clear from the start that was your stance so in that respect YANBU.

How is she lazy? She gets in all the food and drink, does Christmas Eve traditions, is up at 5 on Christmas morning doing Christmas stuff with the youngest, cooks everyone their favourite food for lunch. How does asking a grown man to clear up after lunch make her either lazy OR selfish?

I suspect a degree of laziness around here in terms of reading OP's posts.

I should add most of the time no one even knows I've gone for a nap- they assume I'm in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere.

Fascinating that the ILs apparently were perfectly happy to be left to be entertained by the rest of the family whilst they thought she was slaving in the kitchen, but suddenly it became dreadful when they discover she's having an hour's nap.

*What the op does

buys the childrens presents
makes all their favorite food
Does Christmas eve boxes
Takes a late night walk with eldest who is a teenager
drinks hot chocolate and chats (quality time)
Gets up at 5am with the youngest (while older children and husband carry on sleeping)
makes waffles and Christmas cookies with them while they wait for the others to wake so they can do stockings
Says anyone who wants to come is welcome
Provides an abundance of Christmas goodies for them to help themselves to
Has a nap for an hour.

What the op does not do

Cleaning up the kitchen after she has done the cooking
Cook a Christmas roast instead of/as well as the cooking of her family's favourite foods that she already actually does
Be a waitress
Be a hotel housekeeper

Given the pretty big list of things she actually does, I'm not sure why she is being criticised here. Her husband can easily do those bits she doesn't and his list will be

Prepare sleeping arrangements in the house for guests (if there's room. Maybe the bring a tent thing is because the garden is big but the house is small)
Cook a roast (in addition to all the food the op is cooking)
Clean the kitchen
Top up people's drinks
Man the fort alone for an hour

I'm honestly not seeing why the op is being so criticised here
Same here, I think the OP does plenty, and her Dh can step up in that hour.*

I can easily see why. Some have been too lazy to read OP’s posts as per usual and the rest are likely jealous that she has the backbone that they wish they had where she isn’t the only one doing things.

Also think it’s sad OP is getting a hard time for taking an hour nap after everything she does nor do I see and issue with it. Even at my in-laws everyone dozed off here and there.

Why is it that everyone but the mothers are allowed to enjoy and relax on Christmas Day?

@SecondSwitch

I should add most of the time no one even knows I've gone for a nap- they assume I'm in the kitchen or cleaning somewhere.

lol they do know where you are don't be so deluded lol

Merry Christmas! I'm happy to see one more woman bucking the trend to being a martyr. May it only continue!

And no YANBU, you'd be even less UR if you were a man though.

Poor kids. Everyone must rally round & serve mum

@GrannytoaUnicorn

Poor kids. Everyone must rally round & serve mum

Have you even read OP's posts?

She cooks the children their favourite meals for lunch. She ensured they have presents. She gets up at 5am with the little one to bake and make breakfast while they wait for the rest of the family to wake up. She ensures they have traditions and (it sounds like) gives each of her children quality time and a tradition of their own. But yeah those poor kids cos mum dares expect dad to tidy up, while she has a rest and recharges her batteries.

@SecondSwitch

It's always at our house as we have a big house and a lawn that's big enough for several tents - so my approach is "all welcome, grab a tent, here's a sleeping bag, help yourself to food and drink". I am NOT running myself ragged cooking sprouts that my children hate, making beds, doing laundry, cleaning loos, topping up drinks etc. Everyone is welcome, the fridge, freezer, and pantry is full to bursting, have at it, let's just relax. I should also add, that I have zero issue with anyone else grabbing a nap after lunch.

Tents? In December??? Are you in the UK? If so, WTF?!?! You have a big house but shove your guests into tents in the freezing cold garden? Yeah, you're not covering yourself in glory here OP

Tents? In December??? Are you in the UK? If so, WTF?!?! You have a big house but shove your guests into tents in the freezing cold garden? Yeah, you're not covering yourself in glory here OP

So, in answer to my previous question. No you didn't. Try doing so next time and you end up looking less silly.

@GrannytoaUnicorn

Poor kids. Everyone must rally round & serve mum

Maybe read all the posts first ay

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?

There are so many posts like this; a weirdly obsessive chorus of ‘But why do you neeeeeed it?’ Does the OP have to need it? Is it really so wrong to have or do something just because you WANT it? Is pleasing yourself about something, just because, really so bad?

Kudos to you, OP. I don’t buy into the bullshit either. What a load of internalised misogyny on this thread. As a woman, you can’t win no matter what you do: if you capitulate to others’ demands you’re a doormat and if you don’t then you’re selfish.

If making Xmas great for your kids is selfish, carry on. Keep being selfish. Thank goodness for women like you.

Happy Christmas (and thanks for the new username ;) lol)