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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
SoNotRainbowRhythms · 22/12/2021 21:00

Sounds perfect to me.

turnaroundtime · 22/12/2021 21:17

@ClaryFairchild

Well yeah, you are. Why can't you both host together occasionally?
Random judgment from you. You have no idea what the OP does every day if the year yet here you are calling her lazy and selfish.
ddl1 · 22/12/2021 21:29

@MrsJBaptiste

God, I cant bear adults that 'nap' FFS.
What about those who have health problems? Or work at nights?
00100001 · 22/12/2021 21:30

@MrsJBaptiste

God, I cant bear adults that 'nap' FFS.
I can't bear adults that display such incredible judgment and lack of awareness
Wizzbangfizz · 22/12/2021 21:30

You do you, this is my last Xmas running round for others

PrincessNutella · 22/12/2021 21:33

You don't "do nothing." You do plenty. You just have boundaries.

ddl1 · 22/12/2021 21:34

So every year your OH cooks and cleans while you take a nap and leave him to juggle that and the kids?

No, read the thread. She does most of the things that have to do with the kids. She also provides snacks, etc. DH cleans up.

ddl1 · 22/12/2021 21:36

@Lemonlady22

I feel sad for your mother, why didn't you help her....from your attitude I expect you just like to be waited on...selfish
People like OP's mother usually don't want to be helped.
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 22/12/2021 22:56

@Lemonlady22

I feel sad for your mother, why didn't you help her....from your attitude I expect you just like to be waited on...selfish
No doubt that's why she buys and cooks the family's favourite foods, goes out with the oldest on Christmas Eve and gets up with the youngest at 5 a.m. Thoroughly selfish, all that.
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 22/12/2021 22:58

@BurntO

So every year your OH cooks and cleans while you take a nap and leave him to juggle that and the kids?
@BurntO, please explain to us how you derive that conclusion from the information in OP's posts?
DixonD · 22/12/2021 23:01

@SecondSwitch

I'm not cooking a full roast and all the trimmings - I don't even eat meat. For the record, dh is happy to eat whatever I make and isn't fussed if there's no roast, he knows where the kitchen is and is quite capable of cooking. But it seems my sils think this is my sly way of skivving off and leaving them to host in our house. My post Xmas dinner food coma only lasts an hour at most,and I think it's quite reasonable. The children are all fed and happy to play with their presents, and I'm usually knackered, so it's a win win I think.
How fucking miserable for your family OP.

Sort yourself out for their sake.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 22/12/2021 23:12

I hope all these posters are embarrassed piling in without reading all the ops post.

WomanStanleyWoman · 22/12/2021 23:13

Where’s the miserable bit? The bit where the kids are enjoying playing with their presents and their mum has a rest?

bantuknots73 · 22/12/2021 23:42

*How fucking miserable for your family OP.

Sort yourself out for their sake.*

@DixonD what's miserable about that?? It sounds as if everyone has a great time. Is this 1940 where women need to be slaving away for their husband and kids. Or is the OPs husband more than able to cook up a nice meal for himself?

IncompleteSenten · 23/12/2021 05:45

@AllThingsServeTheBeam

I hope all these posters are embarrassed piling in without reading all the ops post.
No chance. Some people just want to bash the op and the actual facts of the situation are irrelevant. That's why the op can list the many things she does and get replies saying she does nothing. I cook my family's favourite foods - you leave your husband to do the cooking I do husband does - you're not doing your fair share Everyone's welcome, I make sure there's loads of goodies - you're not hospitable. 🙄
oKoK65 · 23/12/2021 05:52

The main thing is are you , your husband and kids happy with the plan? If so that's fine. We have 3 kids plus my dad and sister for dinner. We all get up do pressies/breakfast and get dressed. Then my oh and I tag team, we prep food day before so that's all ready. oh usually goes in kitchen first ( he does meat, potatoes, yorkies and gravy an I do veg and stuffing) and then an hour or so later I go in. And he spends time with kids. We wash as going along and do pots together after dinner. Whatever works best.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/12/2021 09:12

People must really be full of their own importance to think their ‘bashing’ is going to make even one jot of difference to the OP. She’s got it all worked out in a healthy way with a healthy balance and a healthy respect for herself and her own needs/wants.

It is quite clear that it is a team effort, it is quite clear that it works very well for the couple involved, and it’s quite clear that the relatives in question simply can’t abide the idea that a woman isn’t playing to the servile/martyrdom script.

FanciedChange · 23/12/2021 09:14

This reminds me of when I was staying at my MIL's and had booked a sensory room slot for my boys in the area. I said my DH and FIL could take the kids because they very rarely get to see each other and I'd stay back and have a nap (kids are autistic and up all night). My MIL was absolutely incredulous and spat out "you can't do that!" She actually expected me to go alongside two perfectly capable adults to act as the unpaid nanny for the childcare drudge aspects of the trip. I have gone out with my ILs (and my own family) by myself many times to give DH a much needed break but the other way around was unthinkable.

senorafridgidaire · 23/12/2021 09:47

This thread seems to be full of -women- people who seem unable to set their own boundaries vis a vis hosting / doing the drudge work of Christmas, and are seething that OP is having the Christmas she wants (which to me, sound perfect as a guest, I have my own space in my tent, I can help myself to whatever I need, chill out when I feel like it and someone will maybe feed me at some point)! It isn't a race to the bottom people, how depressing.

We have the opposite Christmas to OP as it's usually just me and DH, but I too am good at boundaries - I won't do anything that I don't want to do or that would mean that I didn't enjoy Christma. We don't eat meat, we like to drink on and off all day, and we have very relaxed timings as to what happens when (last year dinner was about 6pm), so anyone that pitched up here expecting waitress service, a traditional Christmas dinner at 1 and Queen's speech at 3 would be sorely disappointed. Family know they are more than welcome if they want to make the effort to get here (for the last 3 years we have lived far from both of our families, and to date, no-one has wanted to do the drive at Christmas as we don't have kids and other, closer, siblings do), but the invite is to join in with our day, not for us to totally restructure our day to what other people think should happen. Food and drink would be available all day, and people could watch TV, join us on a walk in the morning, or do whatever else they fancied. A veggie dinner will be served at some point, with both DH and I cooking, serving up, cleaning up.

But I would not be waiting on people hand and foot, or complying with other people's ideas of what the day should be like.

Phobiaphobic · 23/12/2021 09:53

@SpindleWhirling

I'm starting to think this thread is a fascinating sociological experiment.

It's very interesting to read it in parallel with the one about the 'Christmas martyr' running around the country trying to please everyone in the wider family. Apparently she's wrong too and should just stay at home with her DH & DC and do what the fuck she wants.

Shrodinger's martyr - the requirement to be simultaneously both one thing and yet another. I suspect I've been getting female existentialism all wrong.

@SpindleWhirling

Nailed it. Basically women are always in the wrong.

Bookworm20 · 23/12/2021 10:06

So if i've read this right, you do pretty much all the xmas prep. Welcome people into your home at christmas, provide them with accomodation be that in the house or a tent, provide a fridge and freezer full of food and drinks. Cook what your dc like for christmas. Let everyone just relax and enjoy themselves.

But you don't cook a roast and don't continually walk around topping up their drinks.

Honestly, I think what you have going sounds brilliant. It sounds like a relaxing christmas, with friends and family and I bet everyone has a good time.

If your ILs don't like this setup, they don't have to come do they?
If they want a roast, they can cook one. sounds like there are plenty of people around to rustle up a christmas roast if they want to.

I don't blame you for taking an hours nap. I don't ever get to nap on xmas day, but considering you have a houseful and have provided everything they need, why the hell shouldn't you!

And in the sort of open house scenario you have mentioned, surely everyone who comes should be mucking in with everything anyway. I thin they are the rude ones if they don't do that.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/12/2021 10:21

Well yes I suppose you could argue that.

But on the other hand, I’m sorry, if someone is crumbling under the pressure of keeping multiple factions ‘happy’ (usually they’re still not happy - part of the dynamic is that it’s never actually good enough no matter what you do!), without any capacity left for regard for their own well-being, and crying out for help on how to manage it all and/or venting about how difficult it all is or why does it have to be this way, I’m going to tell them straight out that it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s not judgement, it’s the truth. If they want to do it, of course they can, it’s not my place to judge! And on some level they obviously do want to do it, for whatever reason. But they do have agency and they could choose not to. I’m not saying they’re ‘doing it all wrong’, at all. But I am going to say, you don’t actually have to do this. Because maybe, just maybe, no one has ever said that to them before.

FanciedChange · 23/12/2021 10:22

"Shrodinger's martyr" Grin perfect, so true. This thread is sad though, we've still got such a long way to go if we expect women to run themselves ragged serving everyone else and condemn them if they have a rest.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/12/2021 10:22

Above in relation to @SpindleWhirling’s comment.

Strugglingtodomybest · 23/12/2021 10:26

Only thing you are doing wrong is not being a man. You'd be admired, buying presents and cooking and all, can you imagine, what a lovely husband and father, helping out like that!

Spot on!

Love the Schroedinger's Martyr post too.

Thanks for starting this thread OP, it's been a fascinating read, really eye opening, although, having grown up with a Martyr Mum myself, it shouldn't surprise me.

Whoever said that women like that won't accept help, yes! My mum wouldn't let anyone help her but then moaned and moaned about how hard she had it.