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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Refusing to hostess

481 replies

SecondSwitch · 22/12/2021 06:51

Ever since I first met dh I made it very clear that I would never be the wife/mother who hosted Christmas. I grew up watching my mother tear her hair out every year at Christmas time, trying to be superwoman and as a result she would lose the plot and ruin Christmas. Every. Single. Year. So I vowed I would never be that person. I buy the children presents, I make all their favorite food, and I usually have a nap on Christmas day while dh cleans up. I've also said that dh is free free invite whoever he wants to Christmas dinner, the door is open to anyone who wants to come, I'll provide booze and snacks, but it's up to him to " host" as such ,as I'm not giving up my Christmas day nap. It's come to my attention that dh"s family think I am incredibly lazy and selfish. AIBU?

OP posts:
Goldbar · 23/12/2021 10:49

No aspect of Christmas is compulsory. People can pick the bits which work for them and their immediate family.

KloppKrazy · 23/12/2021 10:52

@Goldbar

No aspect of Christmas is compulsory. People can pick the bits which work for them and their immediate family.
This bears repeating.
Bouledeneige · 23/12/2021 11:12

I've never known why people find cooking a large roast stressful. I do it every other year for 15 and provided I have a good supply of fizz I'm very happy. Love sitting down to a big table of people. Definitely no martyr. I just love the sociability of Xmas for me and my kids - so I'd feel a real misery if i went off for a nap on Christmas Day. That's not much fun for your DH and the kids.

Seems like you are still managing to be a martyr like your Mum - just styling it differently.

KloppKrazy · 23/12/2021 11:13

I have to say I find the carving a chore. We are all different.

RampantIvy · 23/12/2021 11:17

@Bouledeneige

I've never known why people find cooking a large roast stressful. I do it every other year for 15 and provided I have a good supply of fizz I'm very happy. Love sitting down to a big table of people. Definitely no martyr. I just love the sociability of Xmas for me and my kids - so I'd feel a real misery if i went off for a nap on Christmas Day. That's not much fun for your DH and the kids.

Seems like you are still managing to be a martyr like your Mum - just styling it differently.

It isn't the cooking, which is easy, it is timing everything to ready at the same time. Made more difficult when catering for a lot of people in a small kitchen.
KloppKrazy · 23/12/2021 11:21

Space and feeding more people than normal. I can understand the issues.

Goldbar · 23/12/2021 11:23

@Bouledeneige

I've never known why people find cooking a large roast stressful. I do it every other year for 15 and provided I have a good supply of fizz I'm very happy. Love sitting down to a big table of people. Definitely no martyr. I just love the sociability of Xmas for me and my kids - so I'd feel a real misery if i went off for a nap on Christmas Day. That's not much fun for your DH and the kids.

Seems like you are still managing to be a martyr like your Mum - just styling it differently.

Why does the OP have to cook a large roast if neither she nor her children are bothered about it?
phoenixrosehere · 23/12/2021 11:27

I hope all these posters are embarrassed piling in without reading all the ops post.

Doubtful. Will say the ones calling OP lazy and selfish should consider how lazy they themselves look for being unable to press the “See All” button on the very thread they’re on to read ALL of her posts.

If they can take the time to write how lazy and selfish they think OP is surely they can do the above and read all of her posts but I guess that’s just so difficult.

KloppKrazy · 23/12/2021 11:42

It's a Pavlovian response to a perceived "bone idle" woman.

Iamkmackered1979 · 23/12/2021 11:47

You do you op, sounds good to me
I’m doing chilled out Christmas this year no idea who will be here or not there will be food although fecked up dessert as no one wants much so didn’t bug any except a trifle for me coz I love them. Kids go to their dads evening and I will have an early night in time for my 5am start on Boxing Day - nurse
Long as the kids enjoy it that’s the main thing

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/12/2021 12:06

Is there anything more tedious than someone who doesn’t get that everyone else doesn’t have to be exactly like them? That it’s perfectly okay for women not to like to cook a roast, want to cook a roast or even want to eat a roast??

Christmas isn’t ruined if dad cooks/does the hosting duties/tidies up afterwards/whatever the case may be.

I don’t find cooking a roast stressful either. But some people do. If they can circumvent the whole stressful thing, more power to them. Especially if it’s part of a wider context of well-worked-out system between mum and dad that makes use of each party’s strengths.

billy1966 · 23/12/2021 12:18

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

Is there anything more tedious than someone who doesn’t get that everyone else doesn’t have to be exactly like them? That it’s perfectly okay for women not to like to cook a roast, want to cook a roast or even want to eat a roast??

Christmas isn’t ruined if dad cooks/does the hosting duties/tidies up afterwards/whatever the case may be.

I don’t find cooking a roast stressful either. But some people do. If they can circumvent the whole stressful thing, more power to them. Especially if it’s part of a wider context of well-worked-out system between mum and dad that makes use of each party’s strengths.

I agree.

At the moment I am sick of cooking meals for people who aren't around, not hungry, don't feel like eating right now.

Once Christmas lunch is over, they are on their own.

Fridge is full as is freezer, so I have said I am on kitchen holidays, so sort yourselves out for the next 10 days.

I suppose some might say that is selfish too.

Fortunately I could care less, I'm done thinking of food for other people for a bit.

They won't starve!

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 23/12/2021 12:24

I need to walk away though. Been arguing far too much the past few days!

It’s Christmas Eve Eve!!🥂

Peace and good will to all, may you all have happy Christmases!🎄🎄

AryaStarkWolf · 23/12/2021 17:15

@MrsJBaptiste

God, I cant bear adults that 'nap' FFS.
You would hate me, just woke up from a lovely nap 🙃
CheshireKitten123 · 23/12/2021 17:18

@Stickyjamhands

I actually think you deserve a longer nap!
Yayyyyy - you go girl !

Give it some big zzzzz's !!

JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:02

Good for you! The lack of logic with some of these responses are wild to me. The story states that YOU MADE IT CLEAR FROM THE BEGINNING. What part of that aren’t some of these ppl understanding? Ugh. YANBU YANBU YANBU

JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:06

You have to be kidding. Why do you feel like anybody has to be like you? You sound……😕😒

JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:07

Great answer!!! Yes!!!

JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:14

@Copasetic

Why does anyone need a Christmas Day nap? Do you normally have a nap in the middle of the day?
Because I want one. Now what?
JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:20

@HappyMcflappy

Honestly it’s cracking me up how horrified people are about “The Nap”. I’m a napper from a family of nappers and it’s really not unusual when at my Parents either for a family weekend or Christmas/Easter Etc for somebody to declare around 3pm “I’m going for a sleep”. Everybody always comes downstairs refreshed and revived an hour or so later having napped or read or had quiet time on the sofa watching a film. I think it’s great and so does anybody that’s visiting.
Thank you!!! I find it super weird that ppl are commenting about taking a nap! WTF are you to tell people they shouldn’t nap??? It’s grinding my gears because I also come from a long line of nappers.
TedMullins · 23/12/2021 18:28

Howling in mirth at the indignant nap haters. I love naps. I’ve even napped when I’m visiting people. I’ve napped on holiday and cancelled plans because I’d rather nap. I think it hits a nerve with people who never get a moment to themselves and think women asserting their needs and preferences is self indulgent. So what? I AM self indulgent and I have a lovely, relaxed life.

JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:28

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Just because you made this blanket rule doesn’t make it ok- what if a man told his wife “for our entire lives together I won’t cook”- the odd Xmas dont matter
It definitely makes it ok. She put her foot down FROM DAY ONE and he agreed to the terms. Period.
Sciurus83 · 23/12/2021 18:40

I think Christmas at your gaff sounds great!

Alwayscheerful · 23/12/2021 18:40

Many years ago when I was newly married, I invited my parents to Christmas lunch and my Mum told me they would love to come as long as my DF could have a nap after Christmas lunch.
FiL always falls asleep at the table after his Christmas lunch.
If visitors can nap surely hosts can nap?

JayPan225 · 23/12/2021 18:49

@GoodPrincessWenceslas

Kids will remember that Mum “didn’t do Christmas”, no traditions and took off to bed for a nap. I think you’ve created a stick to beat yourself with

I’m all for boundaries but they don’t sound like they’ve been built on a healthy foundation.

Agree

And strangely absent from your posts is any thought about what your DH like to do at Christmas.

Two people there who haven't actually read OP's posts. Why would the children remember that Mum didn't do Christmas when she does the whole Christmas Eve thing, stockings, the family's favourite food, stocks up with food, drink etc, and has various other Christmas traditions?

There's a worrying whiff on this thread of people who really think it is the Woman's Duty to provide the large dinner, clear up, keep up a steady flow of drinks, snacks, Christmas cake, all the while being superMum playing with the children and sparkling for any guests. You know what, it isn't.

You hit the nail on the head!!! These ppl are weird!