“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

[diydh]

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

Benefit of the doubt - does he have communication issues in general? What’s he like otherwise

No, hell would freeze over first. He might say ‘I’ve got a call at 12 and a call at 1.30 - would it work for you to have lunch about 1pm today?’

What would he do if you said the same to him?

It all depends on the context.

I'm SAHM, I do all the food prep for 2 adults and (now school's finished) 3DC.

If DH had said "I've got meetings until 12.30, and it's looking like I'm going to have to go into the office around 3" in general conversation, then a "so lunch at 1." Then I wouldn't be aggrieved. Because it's already a known thing that I'm doing lunch for everyone, and I just sort of dish up anywhere between 12 and 2, if there's no schedule that needs working around. I don't see any different to eldest DC saying "I've got football at 1" and therefore I know to do lunch at 12.

Just for some further context. He is neurotypical. He is 48. He is always busy, busy, busy. He does not present as strange in general life. He is very kind to me overall.

In his mind, he is just being communicative. So that I know his movements. This is his mentality.

He’s not always WFH, but when he is, this is what he’s like. He thinks I should WANT to help him
out as he’s so busy. He would not comprehend why I wouldn’t want to. This is the problem I have with him.

Do you WFH?

Depends on the circumstances.
If he's working and you're not, for example, and he has wall to wall meetings except for a short time slot, then I can't see a big problem.

He obviously struggles to separate his work life from his home life.

Are you not busy, busy, busy too?

If he’s generally decent, I’d be giving him a lesson on why this was rude.

Nope, absolutely not.

If he did, he'd only say it once.

We generally share lunch making, depending on who has most on that day. Neither of us has demanded lunch at a particular time! Its discussed, as in when is best for you.

What do you do in the daytime? The way he worded it is rude as hell.

If you are also working from home - well, then he is actually a bit of a dick.

What did you do?

Well he can sod off.

Well why don’t you say something to him? He thinks he’s being helpful and instead of setting him straight you’re just going to comply and store up the resentment?

Mine makes his own lunch. Sometimes I make it for him but I won't have it ready on a plate by 1 pm or anything. And if he said that, he would be wearing his lunch.

@diydh

Just for some further context. He is neurotypical. He is 48. He is always busy, busy, busy. He does not present as strange in general life. He is very kind to me overall.

In his mind, he is just being communicative. So that I know his movements. This is his mentality.

He’s not always WFH, but when he is, this is what he’s like. He thinks I should WANT to help him
out as he’s so busy. He would not comprehend why I wouldn’t want to. This is the problem I have with him.

But in total fairness to you it doesn’t sound like you don’t want to help him. It does sound like you would like to be addressed in a kinder, more collaborative manner, which is perfectly reasonable.

He treats you like an employee. If this was me there would be no lunch for him and the ready-to-eat food would magically be "missing". Neutotypical is not an excuse to be rude.

He needs to understand that you do want to help him and yeah, you'd probably be more than happy to make him some lunch but that how something is asked for is very important and the way he is 'asking' is not how you communicate with your wife. It's how you issue an instruction to your secretary.

Do you work? Has he always been this way?

My DH definitely wouldn’t say this. He knows that if he did he would end up wearing said lunch😆

I don’t work, DH wfh today, I was out doing Christmas stuff this morning and popped back to get something around lunchtime where I found him about to tuck into soup & toast. His reaction was to share it. He wouldn’t dream of making me responsible for his nutritional needs as he’s fully functioning.

Well when 1pm came I would be out the house no lunch made and when he asked later or phoned I would just say "I had plans you just assumed I'd do what you told me to regardless".

His issues is that underneath he is being misogynistic and sees himself as the big important man and his life is superior to yours and your life and responsibilities should fit around him.

He doesn't see you as a team.

Do you usually make him lunch?

Mine wouldn't cause he knows what the reply would be

No my DH wouldn't as he likes going for a walk and buying his own lunch out. Plus, I am wfh so it wouldn't enter his mind to ask me.

Jesus. I was hoping this was a joke, but it isn't

You're not a servant
This is internalised misogyny at its best