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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
mediciempire · 22/12/2021 21:44

@diydh

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 - This is the thing. When he was working and out hopingforabrighterfuture2021 in the day, I only had to organise dinner for him, if he was coming home. Now he’s here most days, I feel like I have to factor in what he’s having for lunch and if I was going to be out, I’d have to leave him something in the fridge or factor this in.
Would he be angry if you didn't?

My dad is an immigrant from the same background as your husband and I often made him lunch and factored in whether there would be something for him to eat in the house because he doesn't cook meals, he just cooks bits of things. He would never ask me to cook for him, I would offer. If he was hungry and wanted food and I hadn't done anything he would eat toast or make himself egg and toast or eat lots of fruit or snack on bits and he wouldn't complain about it because he didn't expect it as a given.

If your husband would get angry about you not having made him food, I think that is pretty awful and not really a cultural thing at all especially if he grew up in the UK so you shouldn't take it as it being the norm. What would he do if you hadn't made him food and had gone out?

NoNotMeNoSiree · 22/12/2021 21:44

@diydh

Yes this is as I thought. And yes, his words were - “darling, please have lunch ready for one o’clock, Thankyou.’ Then he just sort of walks off.

He will think this is totally normal and he’s just trying to be helpful in communicating his schedule. That’s what he would say.

I had to check to see if there was any more to this before commenting, and yeah there is - eh no, I'd be telling mine to go bollocks Grin Nothing wrong with doing lunch for him, but he doesn't get to dictate when/what etc it should be on the table!
girlmom21 · 22/12/2021 21:46

@diydh how does he prioritise and support you?

Classicblunder · 22/12/2021 21:48

Has he ever done anything for you that seriously inconvenienced him? Not throwing money around. Something like looking after the kids so you could go out or away with friends or to pursue your interests or cancelling his extreme sports commitments sometimes because you needed support?

hopingforabrighterfuture2021 · 22/12/2021 21:52

@diydh you’ve had so, so much advice and so many comments, it’s probably massively overwhelming! There are obviously some great things about your marriage, but also some troubling things. I think the absolute crunch point will come if/when you decide to talk to him. If you are able to have a calm and rational conversation with him and he is open to discussion/validates how you’re feeling then that tells you you have a marriage worth saving. If he gets angry/refuses to engage/is dismissive etc that’s a different situation. I wish you the best of luck, please let us know how you get on.

Original poster
diydh · 22/12/2021 22:07

He does do a lot for me. I mean, he carries all the financial responsibility and that’s not easy and U redirect that. He makes an effort in terms of us having time as a couple and that does help me to not feel taken for granted. He has always been like that. He is affectionate and complimentary. If I asked him to go out at 3am and get me something he would go. He would never say no to something like that. He is very generous with my family as well. Those are some positives, for balance. He makes a big effort on birthdays and other occasions as well. That’s a few things.

OP posts:
Original poster
diydh · 22/12/2021 22:08

I respect that - not redirect that!

OP posts:
Twillow · 22/12/2021 22:16

In this particular situation, from what I've read of your posts here, I actually do think it's reasonable.

  • you don't have an employment, so your work (by agreement) is taking care of the home/kids/family
  • you would presumably be making lunch for yourself anyway
  • he has a busy schedule while wfh
  • he said it politely and informatively

I don't think you should wait on him hand and foot, and should be careful to maintain as much downtime as he has, but making lunch at a convenient time doesn't sound like the request of a narcissist on face value.

retirementrocks · 22/12/2021 22:24

How very dare he!

CharlotteMaytimes · 22/12/2021 22:31

This is how women almost always feel at first on threads like this: “He takes me out”, “he buys me gifts”, “there’s nothing else I could ask for”. But if that’s all you wanted in life, really and truly, you wouldn’t be posting here.

Most people at most points in their adult lives want kindness, respect, mutual support and companionship. Being treated like a well-paid PA doesn’t offer any of those things.

Good luck, OP. You deserve a good life Flowers

Mollymoostoo · 22/12/2021 22:34

Mine would as a joke, knowing I would tell him to do one.

PoloMintHum · 22/12/2021 22:40

I think your life sounds idyllic! You get everything paid for, no stress of working, paying bills etc. He has politely asked for lunch at 1pm.

I'm sure you have your own stresses, but seriously, you are very lucky not to have to work and he doesnt sound like a bad man.

If you don't want to do the home/kids stuff then you could work instead.

Original poster
diydh · 22/12/2021 22:43

Most things in life I can ask him, but there are some things I feel I can’t. The way he would react is a certain look on his face which is hard to explain if you don’t know him. So I avoid it and just do stuff myself because it’s easier.

OP posts:
cherish123 · 22/12/2021 22:47

Very rude of him. He should be able to make his own lunch. He is an adult.

LighteningMaQueen · 22/12/2021 22:57

No way, if he's at home, he can make his own lunch!

DDMAC · 22/12/2021 22:58

I understand the look, I get the look too

sjpkgp1 · 22/12/2021 23:00

@Twillow

In this particular situation, from what I've read of your posts here, I actually do think it's reasonable.
  • you don't have an employment, so your work (by agreement) is taking care of the home/kids/family
  • you would presumably be making lunch for yourself anyway
  • he has a busy schedule while wfh
  • he said it politely and informatively

I don't think you should wait on him hand and foot, and should be careful to maintain as much downtime as he has, but making lunch at a convenient time doesn't sound like the request of a narcissist on face value.

I agree with Twillow - and from your posts OP, you are not unhappy with your lot - but maybe wish to seek a little more from the outside world now your DC are getting a bit older, and it would be great if you can achieve that. Being generous to him, it also sounds like he was in "work mode" a bit - others may call narcissism, or other spectrum issues. Whichever it may be, you have to think through whether 'on balance' this sort of request is OK with you, not just for today, but going forward. I think the question I would ask myself is what would have happened if you had said 'Ah, that won't be possible today because we agreed that I would take DC1 to X at that time" or "have you forgotten I am at the Animal Shelter, going to X with my friends, visiting my relative" (insert whatever here is appropriate). I think good relationships cut two ways, and as long as they are 'equal-ish in your head' and allow you both to do what you want/need to do to be happy then nobody else's view need count for much.
Pinklemonade1 · 22/12/2021 23:32

Hope you told him to cock off.

PickAChew · 22/12/2021 23:35

@Yourcatisnotsorry

I don’t think this is rude at all! If you regularly make his lunch and since you are a homemaker unless you are going out why wouldn’t you? If 1pm doesn’t work for you and you tell him so would that be fine or would he not take that well.
Circumstances make me a homemaker. I don't meekly await dh's orders. If anything, since I've ended up in charge of domestic shite, I take real exception to being told how to do it.
PickAChew · 22/12/2021 23:39

@Hexagon

So, those of you who think it's impolite - how would you word a request for lunch at a certain time? I wouldn't be even slightly offended by a request similar to the one the OP quotes (neither would my husband).
"hey, I'm overrun with meetings today. If you're making lunch, can you fix me something I can eat at 1pm? If not, lmk then I can sort something out, myself, when I get a moment. Ta love x."
Ohmydaisy · 23/12/2021 00:22

Ive just looked at a list of traits that a narcissistic person would have. I reckon most people have got at least one or two of them! And no-one is perfect, we all mange to upset someone at some time . We do fall into routines and rolls in life and sometimes if you love someone and are happier than ever with them we just have to take into account that they aren't perfect and neither are we ... but they love us too xxx

oggie679 · 23/12/2021 00:23

What a doosh.

john1960 · 23/12/2021 01:26

My wife does not work where as I do as a truck driver, and I often ask her to do tea at a time when I will be home.
It might be 1950s but it works for us.

A580Hojas · 23/12/2021 05:44

To the pp who asked how I'd word such a request to my dh it would be "Is there any chance you could make me a sandwich when you're doing your lunch today? I've only got a few minutes at 1 o'clock to eat! Thanks nobby, you'll get a medal x"

OhamIreally · 23/12/2021 06:28

@john1960

My wife does not work where as I do as a truck driver, and I often ask her to do tea at a time when I will be home. It might be 1950s but it works for us.

There's the difference: you ask her, you aren't telling her.