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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Please have lunch ready for 1pm. Thankyou.”

838 replies

diydh · 21/12/2021 16:22

I’m interested to know if anyone else’s husband would say this in the morning before disappearing into his office for several hours. Please be honest.

YABU - yes, fair enough
YANBU - no, he is being quite bossy

OP posts:
Shazzatastic · 22/12/2021 20:20

I'm wondering from what century the people voting YABU are from

Yourcatisnotsorry · 22/12/2021 20:26

I don’t think this is rude at all! If you regularly make his lunch and since you are a homemaker unless you are going out why wouldn’t you? If 1pm doesn’t work for you and you tell him so would that be fine or would he not take that well.

Devora13 · 22/12/2021 20:27

Doesn't sound reasonable, but a little context might be illuminating.
For example, on a particular day it was hubs turn to make lunch, I said 'I have interviewing to do for a high profile post at 2 and I don't want to eat too close to the time. Could you get lunch ready for lunch please.'

dottybabe · 22/12/2021 20:30

@Devora13
Actually, what might be illuminating is you RTFT WinkHmm

cinderhella · 22/12/2021 20:38

It doesn’t matter what their roles are in the house, you don’t speak to your wife like that ffs.

IAteTheLastOne · 22/12/2021 20:39

@happychristmasbum

Write a note for him saying

Please Fuck Off.
Thank You.

By 1pm 😂
SofiaMichElf · 22/12/2021 20:39

@Shazzatastic

I'm wondering from what century the people voting YABU are from
Indeed.

Amazing that some people are actually defending the arrogant wanker, too.

"Oh, but my husband is so very important and powerful, and so incredibly busy doing man things, that he couldn't possibly make himself lunch"

Hmm

Reminds me of Harry Enfield's sketches about women knowing their place.

birdglasspen2 · 22/12/2021 20:40

Rude? He uses please and thank you! If it is an absolute given that you will be making his lunch anyway then he's just requesting a specific time which suits his day?

Would my Dh say that...well no. Did you make his lunch?

JustLyra · 22/12/2021 20:45

I can't believe how many people on this thread think that the mere use of please and thank you makes his order polite.

It's baffling.

JustLikeaJingleBell · 22/12/2021 20:46

My DS is slightly on the spectrum and I can well imagine he could say things like this and not realise how bad it comes across. You could tell him 50 times and he still wouldn't get it and he's a very intelligent person.

phishy · 22/12/2021 20:47

@JustLikeaJingleBell would he do it to men as well? And at work?

Hexagon · 22/12/2021 20:49

So, those of you who think it's impolite - how would you word a request for lunch at a certain time? I wouldn't be even slightly offended by a request similar to the one the OP quotes (neither would my husband).

Stompythedinosaur · 22/12/2021 20:52

@Hexagon

So, those of you who think it's impolite - how would you word a request for lunch at a certain time? I wouldn't be even slightly offended by a request similar to the one the OP quotes (neither would my husband).
"I've run out of time to do my lunch, any chance you'd be willing to do it for me? I will make yours tomorrow. The only gap I have in meetings is about 1, would that be OK?" Following by a lot of thank yous and general recognition that they are doing you a favour.
CaliforniaDrumming · 22/12/2021 20:53

@Hexagon

So, those of you who think it's impolite - how would you word a request for lunch at a certain time? I wouldn't be even slightly offended by a request similar to the one the OP quotes (neither would my husband).
I wouldn't confine my wife to the house every day at lunch time, for one, so she can make my Very Important Lunch. Or stop her from ever travelling anywhere on her own.
cinderhella · 22/12/2021 20:56

@JustLyra

I can't believe how many people on this thread think that the mere use of please and thank you makes his order polite.

It's baffling.

Same, it’s a directive not a request and therefore utterly rude
JustLikeaJingleBell · 22/12/2021 20:56

You need to sit down and talk all this through with him

You've reached a point where all your DC are independent and you have more head space to think about yourself.

You know things aren't quite right but they're not awful and you do have a nice enough life

You really absolutely must talk to your DH to process your relationship.

You also need to work out what you now want from life.

Kite22 · 22/12/2021 20:59

Completely agree @JustLyra

Even if, they were replying in the first 3 or 4 posts, but, the fact the OP has talked since then about how she creeps around on eggshells not daring to do something that might upset him, and some posters are still defending the situation is staggering

Notmrsfitz · 22/12/2021 20:59

Mine might say - I’ll be back about 5 so can we eat at half past.

But to be honest, I don’t mind- if it fits into his plans then I will go along with it

JustLikeaJingleBell · 22/12/2021 21:02

[quote phishy]@JustLikeaJingleBell would he do it to men as well? And at work?[/quote]

What a weird thing to say

Yes he'd be like that to anyone because he's on the spectrum

He would think that because he hasn't been pulled up on it thus far that's it ok to behave like that.

But also it takes a long time for him to understand that certain actions and behaviours of his are socially unacceptable.

He just doesn't get it but he slowly learns how to behave and put on the Aspergers / autism mask.

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 22/12/2021 21:08

@hexagon

Same. I've been with my partner over 10 years and as I know him well, and he's a kind, generous person, it would take quite a lot for me to question his kindness.

I'm often at home, not working, when he's WFH. He'll often call down from his office "can I have a coffee please?". Shock horror, I make one because I have the time and inclination. If he said "make me a coffee now", I'd tell him where to go, but I honestly can't see anything wrong with what OPs husband asked. I'd probably ask the same if my partner didn't work or have childcare responsibilities.

OP - ultimately this is your relationship and only you and he know how things go down. Tone is everything and none of us heard the tone he used or how this is different to his usual tone. As others have said, some people communicate like that with no ill intention. Others find it rude. You know your husband.

But be careful to jump to conclusions based on an internet forum. You sound very influenced by your therapist and by posters here. Your comments on this thread are inconsistent with how you portray your partner. At times you refer to him as kind, generous. Other times you infer he has narcissistic qualities and wants you to be stuck at home.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions. It seems you are where you are due to joint decision making. It worked for you. If it no longer works for you, go out and find your place in the world. It's not your partner's fault your set up doesn't work for you anymore. And you need to speak up if something doesn't work, he won't know unless you tell him.

Classicblunder · 22/12/2021 21:23

@Hexagon

So, those of you who think it's impolite - how would you word a request for lunch at a certain time? I wouldn't be even slightly offended by a request similar to the one the OP quotes (neither would my husband).
I wouldn't - I think lunches during the working day are for each person to sort out their own.

But we do eat dinner together and what I would say there is "hey, I have a few things to finish up so would you mind if we eat at 8?" And my DH would feel able to say "I'm really hungry, can we do 7", I might say "sure, I will finish up after dinner"

That's a normal interaction to me - key is that there's questions, not polite commands and the ability of both parties to compromise

takethegirloutofwales · 22/12/2021 21:25

Mine tried it once when I was on maternity leave with a 22 month old and a newborn. “Please make it a priority to find my keys today”. Ummm. I think my priority is keeping your children alive…he’s not tried it since and my eldest is now nearly 14.

DDMAC · 22/12/2021 21:26

I can’t see it in your replies sorry if I’ve missed it but do you feel any resentment towards him.

Fluffmum · 22/12/2021 21:40

Er no?!?

Original poster
diydh · 22/12/2021 21:40

On reflection, the reason I posted yesterday (I did not expect this level of response)! is because I had a session where the therapist was referring to him as a narcissist. When someone puts a word like that in your head, it makes you doubt what you’re doing in general and if you are being manipulated or something like that. It is true that he expects me to make and serve him his food and this is nothing new. But when he was blunt with telling me his timings yesterday, I was asking myself if this was ‘the narcissist’ speaking, if you see what I mean? And I started to over-analyse the whole dynamic and then I posted on here to see if I was BU.

There is obviously a wider context as well and I’ve tried to explain that. When the pp asked what my children must think, I am obviously going to feel a bit defensive in answering that. But if I try and give context, it will sound like excuses probably. So all I can say is yes, they do live in a home where they see me serving him lunch and dinner. But I do that for the whole family, to be honest. But also they will see other examples of the way we work well together. They would never hear either of us tell each other to f off, for instance. We don’t bicker and they would see him prioritising and supporting me in many ways. Just not food-related!

Having said all this, I see clearly where the problem is and I 100% see that other women would not accept the way he spoke to me and that’s it’s far from ideal. I am grateful to all the people who bothered to post.

OP posts:
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