tat from B&M for christmas

[tatfrombandm]

This didn't happen today but I've been feeling somewhat unreasonably cross at DP for about a week now as I know I'm being ungreatful, some people get nothing. I didn't know the bags in the hall were for christmas so I had a peek to see where things go to put it away, but as they appeared to be gifts I didn't touch them. DP had just come back from B&M and was in bed with netflix. DP later tells me not to look in the bags as they're presents from me. They are cheap, and unthoughtful gifts ie low end chocolates, cheap shower products that will make me itch (he knows I've got sensitive skin) And I'd rather he hadn't got me anything at all as I get chocolate every other week anyway in the main supermarket shop. I'm not sure what the purpose of this thread is other than complaining but I suppose you lot can use this thread for complaining about tat from B&M. And for the record the presents I got for him were well thought out and expensive

@Nickwinkle that sounds lovely if your friends like it.

I would hate it as I have very sensitive skin and eczema so can't use most products, I don't use face masks or beauty things and don't like hot chocolate because I don't like sweet drinks. And I already have 3 hot water bottles.

People like different things, a nice gift suits the recipient so what is nice for your friends would be horrible for me...and possibly the OP.

I love B@M and would like some very precisely sized storage containers and pretty baskets, some Reisen toffees and a fluffy throw.

Last year DH did brilliantly with some things for like earmuffs that don't hurt my giant, sensitive head but terribly with a coffee pod machine and an oodie.

I managed to wear the oodie for 2 mins before feeling claustrophobic and itchy (chronic urticaria) and I don't like the coffee from pod machines as they are generally quite sweet, I've been trying to cut down in plastic and the machine he chose won't accept biodegradable pods, plus he gave me one years ago, I didn't like it and gave it away!

He likes it and uses it every day, I have nothing to do with it. He also wears the oodie, as does DS otherwise I would get rid of it.

@tatfrombandm

I forgot to mention he's even got hot chocolate for me that's even cheaper than the stuff we usually get. Knowing him I can't say anything and just need to accept it or he'll call me ungreatful and be in a mood

So what? Don't be such a martyr!! Stand up for your feelings. You shouldn't be scared of the person you are with. Tbh the way you describe his gradual change in present buying suggests the love has gone and there is a lot more to discuss than just presents.

I get what you mean. How about not say anything yet and then say what you want for your birthday? So as to avoid argument/bad feelings during the holidays. Maybe he'll feel ashamed seeing the gifts you bought him. You could always just put everything in the kitchen and not touch it until next Christmas and then sometimes during the year say ohh next time don't get me stuff like this because I never use it or whatever.

Tbh the way you describe his gradual change in present buying suggests the love has gone and there is a lot more to discuss than just presents.

This^

If you're going tit for tat on presents, well, what can I say ?

@BatshitBanshee

For friend's birthdays I usually go to B&M (I wouldn't say their branded stuff is any less than what you buy in a supermarket, FYI) and get loads of little bits to put together in a hamper; facemasks, smellies, lotions, hot chocolate, slippers, hot water bottles... Are you saying that your response is how they think and I'm actually an awful cheap-skate friend despite those things racking up about £40-£50 in total? Jeez. Thanks.

Yes, I can guarantee your friends do not enjoy hampers of cheap tat for their birthdays. At least give them the value in a voucher so they can choose the cheap tat they want. But a basket of b&m crap that someone else has picked? No, that's a nightmare.

And I realise you didn't explicitly want an opinion on your gift giving, but that's what you get when you try and make someone else's situation about yourself.

Anyway, OP: return his gifts, buy yourself something nice.

Alternatively get your pointiest shoe or boot, wrap it in pretty paper and give it to him Christmas morning. Remind him that should he ever get you a cheap gift again from B&fuckingM, that pointy shoe will be lodged where the sun doesn't shine.

I don't think you can guarantee this It may not be what you would want, but the PP has put some thought into it, unlike, it appears, dickhead DP of the OP. This thread just goes to show we are all different in the things we would like for Crimbo. Who knew?

I'm already dreading unwrapping the yearly B&M tat from DH's family. Younger BIL works there, so they get a discount too.

It upsets me every year when friends have received theatre tickets, perfume, lovely clothing and accessories, beautiful handmade gifts etc and I've got 5 boxes of crap chocolates, a ghastly cheap lavender bath set, socks and a shit novelty Christmas game. DH isn't much better. We lost our baby in October, so I asked him just to donate to a baby loss charity for me this year. Atleast I don't have to hide that in the bin after new year.

@NMC2022

I bloody love b&m but I would hate my Christmas presents to be from there A voucher for there? Sure, because I could buy stuff I wanted. It's different being able to pick chocolate and soap rather than shite nobody wants

It's not tricky - I posted about a perfume I wanted to try on my FB, my dad saw it and thought "oh she wants that" and got it me for Christmas

But what if multiple other people had also had the same idea and you ended up with 5 bottles of a perfume which you then discovered you didn't like? It really ISN'T that easy to get it right sometimes.

OP, it doesn't sound like you've given him a specific gift list, unless I've missed that bit. I think in future you should do short gift lifts for each other and be VERY specific about what is on it. Some people just get so so stressed when the present buying is too open-ended and they do'nt know where to start. It becomes a really big issue for them to have to deal with and they then feel under pressure and start getting annoyed at the whole present buying thing and just want to get it over and done with. Could be this is your partner (and a lot of men - and women, come to that).

eg. On your wish list, don't just put "perfume" and expect him to magically know you're running low on something. Don't expect him to know what your favourite perfume is (although plenty of men do know this if their partner only wears one). Don't expect him to remember or even notice that when you were both watching a perfume ad a month ago you mentioned that you'd fancy trying that. Don't expect him to pick one at a perfume counter based on what he likes the smell of. Don't expect him to know which variation of a specific perfume you wear - there are so many limited edition or "lite" versions of perfumes these days that if you said you wore Chloe he'd get to the perfume counter and be flummoxed by the fact there is not just one Chloe perfume. Definitely don't expect him to know the difference between Eau de toilette or eau de parfum, or the fact that you wouldn't use the body lotion in a set etc etc etc.

It really doesn't mean that a man is less thoughtful if they can't think this stuff up on their own without a bit of guidance. Doesn't make them less romantic, or suggest that they love you a bit less.

BE. SPECIFIC. And you won't be disappointed with your gift. And get him to also write a few very specific ideas down.

My DH was like this once. After I brought him a day out for us and his family and spent maybe 200 on things he wanted. He asked me to order myself a 15 hairdryer that was on offer the day before my actual birthday.. the money wasn't the issue it was the thoughtlessness in it.

I made it quite clear that if this what he wanted it was fine I would reciprocate the amount of thought for his gifts.

I have had beautiful gifts since..

However, this year he was really proud he proud me something without me having to tell him what I wanted. Apparently he has researched and read lots of reviews.

I happened to find it in our room when wrapping DC gifts. It's a MASSIVE love honey 'massager'..

Not quite sure how I'm going to react to this when he actually gifts it as he's quite proud of himself. Also don't know what I'm telling our families he got me this year

@unluckyinlife

My DH was like this once. After I brought him a day out for us and his family and spent maybe 200 on things he wanted. He asked me to order myself a 15 hairdryer that was on offer the day before my actual birthday.. the money wasn't the issue it was the thoughtlessness in it.

I made it quite clear that if this what he wanted it was fine I would reciprocate the amount of thought for his gifts.

I have had beautiful gifts since..

However, this year he was really proud he proud me something without me having to tell him what I wanted. Apparently he has researched and read lots of reviews.

I happened to find it in our room when wrapping DC gifts. It's a MASSIVE love honey 'massager'..

Not quite sure how I'm going to react to this when he actually gifts it as he's quite proud of himself. Also don't know what I'm telling our families he got me this year

*proud he brought something

I don't understand why people view B&M as being thoughtless and the charity shop as being thoughtful. No shop is inherently more or less thoughtful than another. It's the items chosen that are the issue.

B&M sells Simple shower gel and Sanex and it also sells some quite nice chocolates along with some not so nice ones. The issue is he is picking the cheapest of the cheap - i.e. the cheapest hot chocolate and so on.

I think I'd just get him something similar - something that will be used but not high cost. It seems totally daft to give out expensive gifts and feel resentful.

Oh op he is treating you like an insignificant acquaintance instead of the love of his life.

He has taught you to accept it by getting angry if you show disappointment.

He doesn't sound very nice. You are worth more thought and effort than this. Please don't cower in the face of his indifference - tell him he's behaved shabbily and needs to do better.

@skybluee

I don't understand why people view B&M as being thoughtless and the charity shop as being thoughtful. No shop is inherently more or less thoughtful than another. It's the items chosen that are the issue.

B&M sells Simple shower gel and Sanex and it also sells some quite nice chocolates along with some not so nice ones. The issue is he is picking the cheapest of the cheap - i.e. the cheapest hot chocolate and so on.

I think I'd just get him something similar - something that will be used but not high cost. It seems totally daft to give out expensive gifts and feel resentful.

I don't know. You can find some really lovely things in a charity shop. I bought some amazing vintage gloves in one once for example, that I would have been over the moon to receive as a gift. I think they were from the 50's or early 60's.

I can't think of a single thing that I would be over the moon about from B&M.

@tatfrombandm

I forgot to mention he's even got hot chocolate for me that's even cheaper than the stuff we usually get. Knowing him I can't say anything and just need to accept it or he'll call me ungreatful and be in a mood

Sorry why exactly are you with him?! I will never understand why women come on here and complain yet stay with these losers.

Everyone's different. Having said that, I wouldn't get you something from B&M Coffee if I knew you'd not like it! Whereas there are some items in there I'd really like. I guess that's the issue - he's buying things she doesn't like, irrespective of where they're from. To me it's about the thought, not the shop. I.e. I don't think there's any difference going into Hotel Chocolat and picking something vs going into B&M and picking something if the items are nice and the person (you know) will like them.

I got a console table from B&M. It is oak and it's lovely. Really. Well, I love it and that's the point. I can't find a picture of it but I wouldn't say everything from there is tat.

www.bmstores.co.uk/products/home-and-furniture/furniture/living-room-furniture/sideboards

Cue someone telling me that my gift is tat... it's what we could afford and I love it anyway which is what matters.

I came here expecting to want to back up OP as bags of B&M tat would make me run a mile and I don't think it's snobby at all to think that.

However... The DH already said that he didn't want to do gifts this year. Whether you like that or not, at least he was being honest and straightforward! OP says "I know this sounds abusive" - it doesn't. Sorry OP, you're not the princess in the tower in this particular story.

Sadly yet another "I'll do anything to get the message through to my partner... except talk to them!!!"

@unluckyinlife

My DH was like this once. After I brought him a day out for us and his family and spent maybe 200 on things he wanted. He asked me to order myself a 15 hairdryer that was on offer the day before my actual birthday.. the money wasn't the issue it was the thoughtlessness in it.

I made it quite clear that if this what he wanted it was fine I would reciprocate the amount of thought for his gifts.

I have had beautiful gifts since..

However, this year he was really proud he proud me something without me having to tell him what I wanted. Apparently he has researched and read lots of reviews.

I happened to find it in our room when wrapping DC gifts. It's a MASSIVE love honey 'massager'..

Not quite sure how I'm going to react to this when he actually gifts it as he's quite proud of himself. Also don't know what I'm telling our families he got me this year

Praying this isn’t going turn out to be a real life version of the Emma Thompson storyline in Love Actually. 😬🤭😆

Going anywhere and thoughtlessly picking you toiletries you can't use and chocolates that are the same or less quality than you would buy for yourself is just poor show. It's not hard to go to any shop and spend money on stuff.
Just be brutal and tell him it's not a gift to you. If someone bought me a random assortment of chocs, toiletries and slippers I'd think it very sweet - and off it would go to charity or raffle. The best gift I had this year was a lovely, decent bottle of fizz. The giver apologised for it being a boring gift but to me it was perfect, quality, a treat and I will enjoy it very much. Thoughtful depends on the gifter knowing your thoughts 🤣

I'd rather have nothing than a thoughtless gift, it's one of my pet hates!

Speaking of charity shops, please bear in mind that we are always happy to receive any unwanted gifts

This just reminded me of something funny. For context, we don't celebrate Christmas but last year decided to do gifts.

My dh got me the dyson hairdryer which had been on my wishlist for the longest time and I thought he had amazing, intuititive, husbandly powers for knowing when I had never even shared with him that I was coveting it! Every time I asked him how he 'knew' he'd grin at me and say 'see how well I know you?'

It took my 12 year old daughter a whole year to admit that she'd read my wishlist and had 'guided' her dad. She told me this with a massive eye roll because she was probably so sick of hearing me harping on about how amazed I was that he even knew the dyson hairdryer existed

Anyway op, given that he said last year he didn't want to do gifts, I would honestly just style this one out and not do gifts with him again. I honestly what he means by your old and should know better but that sounds very cold and awful and I would be seriously questioning why I'm with this man and what his redeeming features are.

Take them out of the bag and put them on the counter. When he comes in ask him if he’s got a secret Santa you don’t know about. If he says they are for you say sorry p you didn’t realise you were just cleaning up then say well it’s a good job I didn’t find my main gifts all light heartily. I know some men are not subtle hints but maybe he will get it. If not do what I do and screen shot what you want and tell him exactly where to go and buy it.

@Nickwinkle

Could it be that they're not your main present and they're just 'stocking fillers'? Or maybe he's getting a good selection of stuff together to make a hamper. Just little things that you'd use everyday but sometime's that's better than some flashy, expensive thing you're never gonna use.

For friend's birthdays I usually go to B&M (I wouldn't say their branded stuff is any less than what you buy in a supermarket, FYI) and get loads of little bits to put together in a hamper; facemasks, smellies, lotions, hot chocolate, slippers, hot water bottles... Are you saying that your response is how they think and I'm actually an awful cheap-skate friend despite those things racking up about £40-£50 in total? Jeez. Thanks.

You sound extremely ungrateful and if it really bothers you that much then say something to him but I wouldn't expect a great reaction.

Not all presents have to be expensive to be good. Sometimes small, cheap and sentimental is better.

Someone did this for me at work this year. Smaller scale and some Lidl chocolate.

What I liked was the fact I was given something at all. The presents were also beautifully wrapped. The stuff itself was useless really.
Aside from the Lidl chocolate that was eaten, everything else has already gone to the charity shop.
I have reused the wooden gift tag and gift bag.

B&M cat litter is good.
the wood pellet one.

@AliceMcK

Take them out of the bag and put them on the counter. When he comes in ask him if he’s got a secret Santa you don’t know about. If he says they are for you say sorry p you didn’t realise you were just cleaning up then say well it’s a good job I didn’t find my main gifts all light heartily. I know some men are not subtle hints but maybe he will get it. If not do what I do and screen shot what you want and tell him exactly where to go and buy it.

Is this tongue in cheek, or do people really "communicate" with their partners like this? You've got no right expecting a change in someone's behaviour if all you do is haze them into it through bullying and riddles.

Not even supporting the OP's husband, who sounds like he might be being passive aggressive himself here... but surely we can all do better than this kind of cryptic performance art, and actually talk?

No point being snarky this Christmas.
So next Christmas ask for what you want.
Easy, direct, no room for error.