...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

[concernedfriend500]

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

Just leave her out of any rounds. If she's thirsty she can buy a drink, if not not.

Rounds are a bloody nightmare anyway. Much better to pay for your own drinks and avoid the pettiness.

How are these tightwads not mortified to behave like this?

It should called out, in front of everyone, every time.

UGH.

I've never understood rounds and it caused me great anxiety.

She may not want to go order?

Or she may be tight or want to drink less?

Have a chat but she might be very sensitive about this.

When you go out you need to do a kitty rather than rounds. Everyone chucks in a tenner at the start of the night. There is no wriggling out of that one. If you are not in you are not getting drinks.

I would say something like do you want to get this round or would you rather not be involved in the rounds and get your own?

Buying a round is a social thing, and it's something our group has always done. I would rather not change that dynamic if possible.

If you don't want to call her out then just say from now everyone buys their own drinks, it's fairer that way. I hate it when people insist on rounds, I prefer to buy my own as I don't drink as much as others do.

Does she keep up with the drinking? I usually say that I don't want to be part of a round...I barely drink and if I do, I'll have one or two max.

I was also thinking if she’s on the spectrum, it’s probably a) not wanting to ask everyone what they want and b) not wanting to go order. Maybe help her out with this bit?

Oh we had this with one of a group we used to go out with. About 6 out most nights that we would meet, and he would clear off after the 5th person had got them in...it took us a while to see what was happening. Then one night after we had figured it we all meet and one of the guys turned around straight off and said ' I think its your round' . Funny enough he stopped coming out with the group!

I understand that it's something your group has always done, and you see it as a social thing. If your group now has a member for whom that doesn't work, though - if she is autistic, for example, and struggles with the etiquette, or the actual ordering/collecting of a round, then it's a bit poor of you to refuse to adjust.

What do you want to happen? Do you think she might just buzz off if you embarrass her about it?

If she doesn't want to be part of the round, maybe she shouldn't have to? I would ask her, how to you feel about this whole system of rounds? Maybe she's got a lot to say about it.

Your friend behaves strangely, so maybe she'd take your frank talk better than the average person, but most people don't like being told that they're wrong or stringy, even if they are.

The suggestion of a kitty seems the easiest route to take.

My DD had to have this talk with a friend who has Asperger's. The friend had started to get obsessed with saving money, yet wanted to still join others, but it was bringing the whole vibe down, as you said. After a disastrous weekend break, the conversation had to be had and my DD helped her friend to set a budget. Her friend would then disregard her spending as long as it was within budget. She wouldn't order a round, because of her Asperger's, so have an open conversation about it and see were you can go with it.

@sadpapercourtesan

I understand that it's something your group has always done, and you see it as a social thing. If your group now has a member for whom that doesn't work, though - if she is autistic, for example, and struggles with the etiquette, or the actual ordering/collecting of a round, then it's a bit poor of you to refuse to adjust.

What do you want to happen? Do you think she might just buzz off if you embarrass her about it?

Yes possibly, and we don't want that. Also, she's not shy in the least - quite the opposite. I really think she's just a bit mean about spending money. I was wondering whether someone might have the talk privately (and not embarrass her), but that's difficult as well I know...

Also, not everyone likes the rounds system. She shouldn't be drinking at everyone else's expense, but if she's happy to not participate in the rounds at all, it does seem rude of you to insist. If she doesn't care about being excluded from the rounds, why should anyone else?

I don't get rounds if you don't want as many drinks as there are people though? How many are there? I couldn't afford to buy 8 drinks and I wouldn't drink 8 drinks myself, for example.

@Ponoka7

My DD had to have this talk with a friend who has Asperger's. The friend had started to get obsessed with saving money, yet wanted to still join others, but it was bringing the whole vibe down, as you said. After a disastrous weekend break, the conversation had to be had and my DD helped her friend to set a budget. Her friend would then disregard her spending as long as it was within budget. She wouldn't order a round, because of her Asperger's, so have an open conversation about it and see were you can go with it.

I'd love to know more about that conversation and how it was broached. It would be so easy to mishandle it and the other person perceive it as a personal attack.

I agree with a Kitty, I think rounds are more difficult, it only works if there are same number of people as the number of drinks you want to drink

If she doesn't want to put into a Kitty then it's all fair and she's on her own

I had this in a group of friends. I was frequently buying 2 rounds an evening and she was buying none. Effectively having a whole free night out on a regular basis 🙄🙄

She may not present as shy, but if she's autistic it won't be as simple as that. Impairments and difficulties are uneven, they don't make sense to anyone who isn't on the spectrum. She may not even know why she's struggling with it.

That sounds akward. What does she do when others are asking what everyone else wants for a drink? Does she not drink anything?

I don’t get rounds, why should I pay shedloads for a round of alcoholic drinks when I don’t drink

I also don’t do kitties for the same reason, and normally I only have one drink anyway as I simply don’t drink a lot

Maybe she is the same? But then she should get her own drink

By all means have a word with her but otherwise just leave it as it is, it obviously doesn’t bother her if she sits there drinkless

@TheFairPrincess

I don't get rounds if you don't want as many drinks as there are people though? How many are there? I couldn't afford to buy 8 drinks and I wouldn't drink 8 drinks myself, for example.

No none of us want to buy massive rounds, so the way it usually works is if there's a largish group then we split into fours/trios and buy for each other (it's all v.informal by the way, it just happens).

I'd put money on it being a social anxiety thing. I'm on the spectrum and hate going to the bar