...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

[concernedfriend500]

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

I've never done the rounds thing. Unless there's only 3 of us! Because it's a nightmare.

My DH gets himself in to this issue sometimes. Buying too many rounds and someone not buying. He says 'hey mate X it's your turn isn't it'. But I don't think I would be able to say that.

You can opt out of rounds- it’s just really important that you do it the second you arrive. I wouldn’t think any less of anyone doing that. But yes- I think she might need this explaining. Be quite black and white if you feel it’s appropriate. I have to do the same with my daughter with things like this- she doesn’t take offense whatsoever when you say it clearly. She’s far more likely to be upset if she doesn’t quite understand things and feels people are annoyed at her.

@BrilliantBetty

I've never done the rounds thing. Unless there's only 3 of us! Because it's a nightmare.

My DH gets himself in to this issue sometimes. Buying too many rounds and someone not buying. He says 'hey mate X it's your turn isn't it'. But I don't think I would be able to say that.

I would find a round rota very helpful so I’d know exactly when my turn was. I hate it when someone has bought me a drink and I’m waiting my chance to by them one back and then someone else buys them one first. It’s so so difficult.

But if all but one like to do rounds, why not continue doing them but let that individual buy their own drinks? They don't have to participate in rounds at all, but equally the rest of the group can continue to do so. If the majority are happy to continue to do rounds, just do it that way.

Her behaviour as described in the OP makes her sound like a cheeky fucker.

She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty

I wouldn’t confront her about it.
You say the entire group has wised up to her, so it isn’t just you.
I’d just leave her to it, and not include her in any rounds.
If she does say anything, then suggest she buys the round instead.

@concernedfriend500

Buying a round is a social thing, and it's something our group has always done. I would rather not change that dynamic if possible.

It sounds like she has changed the dynamic by her actions. You and your other friends are reacting to that change.

Too socially anxious to buy a drink but not too socially anxious to keep accepting drinks with alacrity and doesn't find the overall noise and crowd in a pub overwhelming. I can't square the two sentiments to be fair.

@RosesAndHellebores

Too socially anxious to buy a drink but not too socially anxious to keep accepting drinks with alacrity and doesn't find the overall noise and crowd in a pub overwhelming. I can't square the two sentiments to be fair.

Well, good for you

I would just say...right we're having a ten pound each kitty, do you want to be included Sandra or do you prefer to buy your own drink separately?

Rounds are a pain in the backside. Not everyone drinks at the same speed. Best to opt out.

Definitely call her out. One of my DBs was always a tightwad when it came to rounds, he was an expert of his round always falling on the cheapest pub when we did pub crawls. It was always a standing joke amongst our social groups. I shouldn’t criticise though as he always got me doubles lol

If she dosnt want to do rounds she should just come out and say it, rather than except drinks and not buy back.

I hate rounds
Unless you are her accountant you don’t know someone’s finances
Just simply ask her if she wants to be in a round or get her own

I don't understand people having an massive finding rounds difficult.
It is the first lesson in Peppa pig and other iconic children's characters, everyone has a turn plus sharing is caring, don't take more than your share.
If this person is capable of creating friendships they're capable of learning the basics.
Both of my DC have ASD so I'm not being ignorant towards social anxiety, paying for a drink and going to the bar are not the same thing they're not an excuse to be a tight-arse.

@BringUsSomeFrigginPudding

Also, not everyone likes the rounds system. She shouldn't be drinking at everyone else's expense, but if she's happy to not participate in the rounds at all, it does seem rude of you to insist. If she doesn't care about being excluded from the rounds, why should anyone else?

She likes the rounds system well enough when she's benefitting from it. The only time it causes her a problem is when it's her turn to pay ...

It's also absolutely FINE to not participate in rounds, out in a big group.
But you need to have the fecking courtesy to say "no thanks, I'm sitting the rounds out & just buying my own tonight."

@nitsandwormsdodger

I hate rounds Unless you are her accountant you don’t know someone’s finances Just simply ask her if she wants to be in a round or get her own

This seem a good straightforward way to ask

Have a kitty? Everyone puts in £10 at the start of the night and you take it in turns to get the drinks in

But you need to have the fecking courtesy to say "no thanks, I'm sitting the rounds out & just buying my own tonight."

But when you do that, people look at look you like you have two heads or have just insulted their grandmother.

Some people can't seem to understand one person in a group wanting to do things differently to everyone else.

Just say do you want to be in a round or get your own ?

Eugh I fucking hate rounds. They're fine occasionally when the bar is rammer but outside of that I don't see the point.

I'd rather choose and buy my own drink. It's always awkward as not everyone can always buy a round so some people end up spending more than others. I'm always conscious such and such bought a round so i need to buy one too. I end up drinking more than I wanted. And I also don't get to drink what I want because what I want is to go to the bar and choose a nice cocktail, not another fucking beer or wine.

Sorry OP your post has riled me up, just give up on the stupid rounds, it's not that great of a social if people then rumble about others not paying.

But when you do that, people look at look you like you have two heads or have just insulted their grandmother.
Really? They're reaction is far from normal and why would you care what they think considering it's immature and weird of them.

I hate rounds and if you opt out there will always be someone who doesn't like it and wants to know why. Also if there's ten of you it ends up really expensive for half of you and free for the others.

If you want to buy a round you shouldn't assume that everyone else will have to buy you a round back. So rather than expecting someone to opt out if they don't want to get a round in themselves I think the person buying the round should be responsible for saying they're only buying it on the understanding that everyone will also buy them one.

I am virtually tee-total and can't mix drinks so on the rare occasions I do drink alcohol, I stick to the one drink and only have a couple. Why should I pay for other people getting completely wellied?

Not to derail the thread but you do understand if everyone only drank soft drinks or nursed one small drink for hours then pubs wouldn’t exist. If anything the drinkers are subsidising your right to enjoy the seats and atmosphere!

I only ever drink about 3 drinks max so I hate rounds if it's more than 3 people because I end up paying for drinks I wouldn't have normally bought.
Ask her if she'd prefer to be in the rounds or get her own drinks you don't even have to direct it at her just go 'who wants to do rounds and who wants to get their own drinks?'
If you're not in a good place financially, and I've been there, it's really stressful and you just spend the whole time anxious because you know sooner or later you're going to have to buy a round of 8 drinks that you can't afford. Or if you don't want to drink 8 rounds that someone is going to buy you a drink and you'll either have to drink it and get plastered, let them accumulate on the table in front of you and look stupid, or opt out of the rounds after either spending a load of money if you've already done yours or looking like you're weaseling out if you haven't. It's a stupid system.

@Emerald5hamrock

But when you do that, people look at look you like you have two heads or have just insulted their grandmother. Really? They're reaction is far from normal and why would you care what they think considering it's immature and weird of them.

I don't care what they think, I'm just saying that people may feel awkward refusing when that's the reaction from others.

Not to derail the thread but you do understand if everyone only drank soft drinks or nursed one small drink for hours then pubs wouldn’t exist. If anything the drinkers are subsidising your right to enjoy the seats and atmosphere!

No skin off my nose. I'd be just as happy meeting in a cafe/coffee shop, etc. I go to pubs because it's usually where friends choose to meet, probably wouldn't be my choice most of the time.

Not saying that I want pubs to close - I don't.