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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

164 replies

concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 19:49

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 20:13

@PurplePinecone

That sounds akward. What does she do when others are asking what everyone else wants for a drink? Does she not drink anything?
You see, that's exactly it! It's got to the point when people will ask the others individually (but not her - missing her out) which is awkward as I say.
OP posts:
sadpapercourtesan · 20/12/2021 20:14

See, that's already making my autistic ass VERY nervous just reading about it Grin

it's informal, it just happens, if there's a large group we split off into smaller groups - can you not see how much of a nightmare that is for an autistic person?

Honestly, if you want this woman to carry on being included and not feel mortified, either leave it alone or stop doing rounds altogether.

Original poster
concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 20:14

@blissfulllife

I'd put money on it being a social anxiety thing. I'm on the spectrum and hate going to the bar
Honestly, it's not. She might be on the spectrum, but that's not how she presents. It's more as I say an inability to spot social cues.
OP posts:
Mydogmylife · 20/12/2021 20:15

@Doona

If she doesn't want to be part of the round, maybe she shouldn't have to? I would ask her, how to you feel about this whole system of rounds? Maybe she's got a lot to say about it.
That's totally fair enough, but she shouldn't then accept drinks from the rounds bought
Nanasueathome · 20/12/2021 20:15

Does she accept a drink if someone else offers her one?
Or does she just sit there without?

DaisyWaldron · 20/12/2021 20:15

I hate rounds. I don't have a lot of spending money, and don't like being drunk. When I was generally broke, I tended to buy a round every few weeks, but I only drank soda water, so it evened out.

sadpapercourtesan · 20/12/2021 20:16

There's isn't an autistic person alive who doesn't have some degree of anxiety/distress around the "inability to spot social cues", btw. If you're not seeing it it's because she's good at masking.

Toddlerteaplease · 20/12/2021 20:16

I hate buying rounds. My friends like expensive gin and tonics.

Bojheybuddy · 20/12/2021 20:16

Can you not all put money in a kitty before you start drinking, then if she doesn’t want to take part she can just buy her own?

Howdidigetsoold · 20/12/2021 20:17

Could you all put into a kitty at the start of the evening?

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2021 20:18

Why don’t you do a kitty op. Everyone puts twenty quid in or whatever?

Bojheybuddy · 20/12/2021 20:19

Great minds @howdidigetsoold

woodlandarchitect · 20/12/2021 20:19

I think I know what the issue is……

You say she could be autistic? Then she’s likely to HATE and be quite anxious about going up to the bar to order a round. I promise you, I am exactly the same. So much so that my friends have to come with me.

It’s the talking / shouting / listening / listing drinks / noises of glasses clinking / loud people near by - the list goes on.

Going to the bar is an autistic persons nightmare. Offer to do it for her if she pays (ask her about it quietly)

It’s a really embarrassing problem! I’m 36 and I still struggle with this big time!!

Original poster
concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 20:19

@Nanasueathome

Does she accept a drink if someone else offers her one? Or does she just sit there without?
Oh she's always up for accepting a drink, I've never seen her refuse one.
OP posts:
ufucoffee · 20/12/2021 20:23

We buy rounds but we all drink similar drinks. I drink fast so I sometimes get my own drink while waiting for the rest of the group to catch up. If I didn't want to be in the round I'd say and get my own, I wouldn't accept a drink from someone without offering to buy back. That is very tight. I think the next time you're out you should suggest a kitty and see what she says.

MadamNoo · 20/12/2021 20:24

If people are offering to buy her a drink and she is saying yes thanks, that may seem like a very straightforward thing to her. You might be expecting a bit much for her to think, ‘she asked me if I’d like a drink, but secretly she’s resenting me not having bought one’. At least my autistic ds is like this, taking interactions at face value. (But he offered? Why did he ask me what I wanted to drink if he didn’t want to get me one?)

rwalker · 20/12/2021 20:31

Just be very up front and organise rounds ask her if she wants to be included or buy her own .
When you first get there say directly who's in your group say I'll get the first you get the second then who ever after that then she knows.
If she want to pull out of round and buy her own let her
Have the rest of the group noticed

NeedAHoliday2021 · 20/12/2021 20:33

Rounds are tricky - easy for tight arses to slip through. We do pairs - you pair up and take turns buying the drinks.

Original poster
concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 20:34

@MadamNoo

If people are offering to buy her a drink and she is saying yes thanks, that may seem like a very straightforward thing to her. You might be expecting a bit much for her to think, ‘she asked me if I’d like a drink, but secretly she’s resenting me not having bought one’. At least my autistic ds is like this, taking interactions at face value. (But he offered? Why did he ask me what I wanted to drink if he didn’t want to get me one?)
That's really perceptive. It may just be that she just doesn't realise the expectations one creates when one accepts a drink.

In which case, will she care if people miss her out on rounds? Maybe not. That makes it slightly less awkward.

OP posts:
Hugoslavia · 20/12/2021 20:36

I hate rounds. I used to get stuck buying my work a round. They all had pints. I had the occasional half pint of lemonade and was skint.

Original poster
concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 20:36

@rwalker

Just be very up front and organise rounds ask her if she wants to be included or buy her own . When you first get there say directly who's in your group say I'll get the first you get the second then who ever after that then she knows. If she want to pull out of round and buy her own let her Have the rest of the group noticed
Yes they have, and there have been mutterings, which as I say is spoiling the vibe of our lovely group.
OP posts:
Spudlet · 20/12/2021 20:36

@sadpapercourtesan

See, that's already making my autistic ass VERY nervous just reading about it Grin

it's informal, it just happens, if there's a large group we split off into smaller groups - can you not see how much of a nightmare that is for an autistic person?

Honestly, if you want this woman to carry on being included and not feel mortified, either leave it alone or stop doing rounds altogether.

Hells bells, I’ve no diagnosis and quite possibly wouldn’t get one anyway, but it’s giving me the fear alright Blush
BigYellowHat · 20/12/2021 20:37

Awkward. DH and two of his mates had to do this with a third mate (so 4 in total) as the cheapskate never bought a round. In the end they just refused to buy anything until he did. Bear in mind, this is the guy we went out for dinner with who we saw stealing our tips to pay for his share of the dinner (he then claimed it on expenses!!)

myusernamewastakenbyme · 20/12/2021 20:37

Im another who hates rounds aswell.. .ends up costing a fortune...I never accept drinks from anyone and always buy my own...really pisses me off when bar staff try to club all the drinks together so one person ends up lumbered with the cost.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 20/12/2021 20:42

Two ways of broaching this, I think. One is to walk her through it in private - but this requires someone being brave enough to do so. What have you got to lose, though? If you don't tackle it, she's going to fall out with the group anyway. At least, if you talk to her, it gives her a chance to adapt her behaviour.

The other way is, the next time you're all in the pub and deciding who will buy for whom, to say, "Sarah, would you prefer to buy your own drinks, instead of getting a round?" If she says no, she wants to join in a round, to say in a matter of fact way, "We all need to take it in turns to buy then. Could you buy first?"