...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

[concernedfriend500]

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

@sadpapercourtesan

See, that's already making my autistic ass VERY nervous just reading about it

it's informal, it just happens, if there's a large group we split off into smaller groups - can you not see how much of a nightmare that is for an autistic person?

Honestly, if you want this woman to carry on being included and not feel mortified, either leave it alone or stop doing rounds altogether.

What does ‘leave it alone’ mean? That people keep subsidising her?

I think she knows what she’s doing, because when her best friend called her out on it, she didn’t take part in the round and said she wasn’t thirsty.

OP, surely if her best friend has called her out on it in public then she must have spoken to her about it in private as well?

I think she’s hoping to embarrass you all into making an exception for her. Don’t do it!

We generally do rounds, but if someone is only staying for 1 or 2, or would rather just get their own drinks for whatever reason, Then it's absolutely fair enough.
No pressure either way, but if someone is going to accept drinks brought by otters on multiple occasions but not reciprocate, then it's not on at all.
If you afford a round, don't get into one.

Someone posted this earlier, i like this approach:

“The other way is, the next time you're all in the pub and deciding who will buy for whom, to say, "Sarah, would you prefer to buy your own drinks, instead of getting a round?" If she says no, she wants to join in a round, to say in a matter of fact way, "We all need to take it in turns to buy then. Could you buy first?"

Yes definitely talk to her, if she was is on the spectrum a frank talk is what she needs.
Do it as one on one not as a group.
It is a horrible trait.
I jeered a family member for years he knew the price of everything and the value of nothing, unfortunately his beautiful DC have grown up and have the same attitude.
It makes me cringe they've learned this behaviour.

@Maryann1975 nobody knows if the friend does have a disability. The OP just thinks her friend may be on the spectrum. That's not a diagnosis. The friend could just as easily be tight and rude

Not everyone likes to go in rounds as it can end up costly. She may have money problems? What if one of you was to meet her separately or ask during a phone conversation (with no judgment) why she doesn't get a round in. She may have a good reason. If not the person could just explain to her that you guys will let her sort her own drinks out and that fine.

I'm autistic and I use to have a thing about making sure everyone paid the correct amount so no one lost out financially. One of my friends said to me to look at it as though I'm paying for the company and the event rather than worrying about individual cost. This really helped so now I just split bill and accept sometimes I lose financially and sometimes I gain but I've enjoyed the evening. It's been lovely to read some of the replies that have considered why this might be happening rather than attacking the friend. Also lovely of op to be thinking of how best to manage this without impacting on friendship.

I think you have to be a bit less attached to the idea of rounds being the thing that makes the night social and fun. OK yes, she hasn't done rounds correctly in the past, but now she gets her own drinks or doesn't have anything and seems totally fine with that. So what's the problem really? Just do rounds without her. It's not fair to say the whole nights "vibe" rests on rounds, ie everyone drinking and doing so at the same rate.

Do you only meet up in bars / circumstances like this? I would probably just leave out inviting m her to those events in the end not saying that's right!

I think I would be upfront and say something the day before to her like x y z and I are going to buy rounds do you want to join us or prefer to buy your own drinks separately? If she goes with joining you thrn I would Engineer her to be the first or second to buy.

Do that a few outings and she might get it. But you all need to stick to it and if she goes solo leave her with it, you are embarrassed where she isn't.

Do rounds without her. I'd explain you're going to though and the reason. Maybe she'll offer to buy. But don't stop the whole group doing rounds simply because of one person.

I’d have the discussion. You could say “you don’t seem comfortable participating fully in buying rounds. I’m trying to understand why Could you explain it to me “. Then see what she says. If there is an anxiety issue then you could come up with a solution.

If not you could say “moving forward, to avoid awkwardness and bad feelings, could you either participate fully by taking your turn to buy or just buy your own. “

She needs to either take part in rounds or sort her own drinks out. If she doesn’t want to go to the bar, she could give someone the money if that’s the issue. I’d see nothing wrong with this being directly confronted, and if I was the friend in question that’s what I’d expect.

@TheFairPrincess

I don't get rounds if you don't want as many drinks as there are people though? How many are there? I couldn't afford to buy 8 drinks and I wouldn't drink 8 drinks myself, for example.

I was going to reply with this. I don't go out social drinking, but if I did this is how I would feel about it. I don't like the concept of rounds and it wouldn't work for me.

I wouldn’t invite her anymore; she’s taking you all for mugs to keep buying her drinks all night

I am NT (as far as I know) and I'd agree that the unspoken rules around rounds are a bit of a social minefield.

I remember being much younger, and saying I'd buy my own one evening, and then a guy in the round bought some champagne and gave me a glass and then I didn't know what to do- rude to drink it and not buy another bottle (financially not feasible at the time) or rude to not drink it

So anyway, I can see that someone who may be on the spectrum might struggle to interpret the vibe. If I were to raise this with her I might just say "look, it seems you dont really want to get involved in rounds. If you don't, it's totally fine to just buy your own. Just be clear that that's what you're doing."

@Moltenpink

I was also thinking if she’s on the spectrum, it’s probably a) not wanting to ask everyone what they want and b) not wanting to go order. Maybe help her out with this bit?

This ^

Chuck in a bit of a frugal attitude in her upbringing and the perfect storm for chrometophobia.

Hating round buying and saying upfront you’ll sit out of the round is fine but sitting drinkless in a pub isn’t, especially when it’s apparent that you’d accept a drink if offered. Could her best friend you mention be the one to talk to her?

If she's on the spectrum she probably has anxiety about going up to order at the bar as it involves speaking to strangers and often brushing up against/mingling with people you don't know from Adam - I know I struggle with this (I'm diagnosed with Asperger's) and I've missed out on doing quite a few things as a result, as I just can't bring myself to go up and talk to strangers sometimes.

I would speak to her (privately) and ask if she maybe wanted you to get a round in for her if she gives you cash beforehand, or like a PP said, put money in a kitty at the start of the night and then she's still contributing financially but without dealing with the anxiety of ordering.

I’m yet another who finds rounds anxiety inducing. I think I may be on the spectrum. I remember one Christmas work do when we met in a bar before hand, I was a bit late arriving, I went to the bar and bought a bottle of Prosecco (which everyone was drinking) and put it on the table for everyone to share but for some reason people thought I’d bought it for myself and no one helped themselves.

Ok, I think all the 'rounds people' are missing something crucial here... your strong personalities and inability to accept what every 'non-rounds person' is saying.

You are clearly very confident extroverts (as shown by the responses here) and as I said before it feels you get BULLIED into doing rounds often when people won't take 'no' as an answer, argue about why you are wrong and rounds are good, ignore your 'no' (some just buy drinks for you without your permission) or get offended that you didn't take part.

Every time I got stuck in rounds (which I do not want to do and say 'no' to quite firmly) it was from people simply refusing to take my 'no' as an answer and getting offended or going rogue.

Thats what OP is doing here too... she has clearly stated the woman is fine sitting out of rounds and they have been doing (and she will just sit without drinks, likely relieved that she doesn't have to keep pace with a dozen people) that but it makes the OP uncomfortable that this girl is not taking part.

This girl isn't asking or demanding or doing anything she is sitting minding her own business not drinking and that is being taken personally when there's nothing personal in it.

Buying a round is a social thing, and it's something our group has always done.

Never too late to change.

I would rather not change that dynamic if possible.

But maybe she would? The system clearly isn't working if one person isn't participating and it's causing resentment among other members of the drink.

I hate rounds and bill splitting for meals. I am virtually tee-total and can't mix drinks so on the rare occasions I do drink alcohol, I stick to the one drink and only have a couple. Why should I pay for other people getting completely wellied?

I despise rounds. Its expensive, it encourages dangerous drinking, it ties people to the social event after they want to leave because they feel obligated to stay until they've paid up. It rarely works out fairly because some people drink soda, some people drink mojitos, some people drink beers. It's a mess.

I like to go out but two drinks is plenty for me. I don't want to be stuck in round after round because I went out in a group of more than two.

OP, read up on autism. You can probably help her a lot by just saying what you mean.

among other members of the drink

other members of the GROUP.

Whoops. Freudian slip. 😳

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

How are these tightwads not mortified to behave like this?

It should called out, in front of everyone, every time.

UGH.

I always hated the idea of rounds (I dont drink now). I drank maybe one drink, max 2, and as a student was very cautious with money. Tbh I felt super uncomfortable when other people were getting me a drink as part of a round.

But I agree with other posters, if the friend wants a drink, she can get one herself. If the issue is money, she can get something cheap

Have you ever seen her a buy a drink at a bar even if just for herself Maybe she is anxious about the ordering bit.