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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

164 replies

concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 19:49

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 21/12/2021 12:22

It's fine to hate rounds but not fine to accept drinks when others buy but never offer yourself.

I personally don't like rounds either, me & friends never formally do them but if I'm getting a drink for myself I'd always ask if anyone else needs one.

I think it's very rude never to offer anyone else a drink but consistently accept them.

Nesbo · 21/12/2021 12:32

If you’re with a group of friends who meet often it shouldn’t be difficult. If one of us wants to sit out of the rounds they’ll just say at the beginning of the night that they’ll sort themselves out for drinks this time. If you’re still drinking when a round is being bought you just say no thanks, I’ll sit this one out. If you leave early without buying a round you remember to make sure you get in early next time (make a comment to the group if you want so they know that you’ve clocked it).

Most importantly though, if no one in the group is an arse then no one feels hard done by if you miss a round once in a while, as there will be other times when you will buy double and it all evens out in the end.

If you have a group of friends who all get more pleasure from giving to each other than from receiving it all works perfectly - you not only get the pleasure of people’s company but also the pleasure that comes from asking what someone would like, and going and sorting it out for them.

Definitely helps if you are roughly in the same place financially though.

BeanyBops · 21/12/2021 13:10

Simple. Get her on her own, and casually something along the lines of 'sarah, I've noticed you're not getting a drink. Are you ok? Do you just want to stay out of the rounds?'

IncompleteSenten · 21/12/2021 13:15

Don't ask her. When you're taking orders say I won't ask you, Vera, I know you prefer to just buy your own rather than do rounds.
Say it in a nice way not a snarky way. You are saying you've noticed her preference and are respecting her choice.

gamerchick · 21/12/2021 13:15

Either do a kitty at the start of the night or don't do rounds. Both have been suggested. Then it's all on her then, no room to misunderstand or miss any social shit.

If you want to include her and carry on as you are then nothing will change.

mam0918 · 21/12/2021 13:18

People STILL can't seem to read the OP

'Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her. It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.'

I've struck out the bit that is OPs weird personal assumption of why someone wouldn't have a drink.

But the girl in question is ALREADY no longer part of the rounds because people aren't buying for her.

It's OP who is uncomfortable that someone isn't joining it... it's not an accepting drinks thing as people aren't buying her drinks anymore it's OP being offended that someone would have the audacity to not have a drink and that makes HER feel awkward so she wants to FORCE this girl to do rounds.

This is what every single one of us 'no rounds' or 'barely drinkers' are trying to explain... we aren't ALLOWED to join in if we don't want to commit to buying dozens of drinks and we can't just sit out either or someone gets so riled up that they create a damn mumsnet post

WeAllHaveWings · 21/12/2021 13:31

At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.

"Lucky you - cheap round! - I'll have a double vodka and coke! Thanks"

If she declines buying the round, just ask "do you want to be excluded from the rounds thing completely and in the future just get your own as you don't seem to want to take your turn?"

Give her the choice and stick with it.

Personally prefer a kitty and a list as there is always someone who likes being the organiser and going to the bar and I can stay sitting on my arse 🤣 and it means if there are more of you than rounds it evens out better.

Hemingwayscatz · 21/12/2021 14:00

I don’t like the rounds system, everyone should just buy their own drinks.

malificent7 · 21/12/2021 14:03

I think rounds are the problem here...very expensive and forces people to drink more than they normally would. So much pressure. Just let everyone buy their own.

malificent7 · 21/12/2021 14:06

Rounds are great if you are well off....shite if like me you are watching your pennies. Everyone always orders more expensive drinks too.No i don't want to pay for everyone's double whiskey and cokes.

JogooRoad · 21/12/2021 14:32

To be honest no-one 'enjoys' buying rounds, but it is part of life's social currency so you get on with it.

Everyone saying, I hate going up to the bar.. I can't imagine anyone likes going up to the bar, trying to catch the eye of the bar staff, shouting out the order hoping you haven't forgotten anything, jostling back to the seats with the drinks etc..

We all do this because that is what you do when out with friends.

Next time, when it is clearly her round just say - 'Whose round is it - then scan the group, land on 'tight' friend and say - it think it must be yours? Is everyone having the same again? Yes - cool let me know if you want me to help carry them back.

I think this is kinder than having a private word. This will look like you have all discussed it behind her back.

JogooRoad · 21/12/2021 14:41

Also if you don't want to join rounds it is easy not to. You just say - 'Thanks, I am actually only staying for one so will sort myself out' or 'I am not drinking tonight so will just sort myself out but thanks' or 'don't worry about me, I will sort myself out tonight' or 'I want an early one tonight so will avoid the rounds but thanks'. Millions of ways to not join rounds without offending.

The issue is when you accept drinks from others and then make no attempt to reciprocate.

verytiredofbeingshoutedat · 14/01/2022 08:54

I agree with @JogooRoad

She's sat there hoping someone else will buy her a drink constantly & never returning favour, has enough money to do so. Hmmm ..

You meet up in pubs and other drinking places. She isn't buying drinks (none for herself at all?) and it's disturbing the vibe of the group. She can go get herself tap water if she wants and sit with it. You don't sit in a pub with no drink! Same way you don't go to a restaurant take up a seat at the table and order no food or drink. These are businesses.

I think you're all being too polite and we wouldn't be inviting her anymore. That seems far more simple

She can meet up with you when she wants to pay her way, or when she invites you to her place for coffee.

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