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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

164 replies

concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 19:49

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

OP posts:
woodlandarchitect · 20/12/2021 21:18

@Maryann1975 if they explain that they have autism then their friends will help. I’ve never had a friend not help me in social situations like this because they know I’m autistic. Have faith! Teach them to speak up Flowers

Wellington17 · 20/12/2021 21:20

Have you spoken with your other friends about it? If you want to get out of the awkwardness you COULD make up an excuse as to why you or one of the others doesn’t want to be included in rounds that night (might have to leave early etc) then another member of the group says “ok so who’s wants to be included tonight?” and ask everyone one by one. Her response should tell you whether she wants to be included or not. One of you already saying you don’t want to be included will make it easier for her to say no if she feels awkward about not wanting to be part of it. If she says yes, then make sure she gets one of the earlier rounds.

But contrived but saves embarrassment/awkwardness

Lollipop999 · 20/12/2021 21:24

I’m not keen on rounds to be honest as generally I drink a lot less than the others I’m out with.

If I do buy one, I like to buy the first as it’s less awkward and embarrassing. I never understand when to buy a round as people drink at different rates. Some glue down their drink, whereas I take my time with mine. I may have a g&t then just a tonic after as
I can’t hold my drink at all.

A kitty is only really fair if you’re all drinking the same and at the same rate.

If anyone is driving I would always buy their drinks for the evening but otherwise I am much more comfortable just buying my own although I do agree that it ruins the vibe definitely .

Lollipop999 · 20/12/2021 21:25

#some glug down their drinks

Lollipop999 · 20/12/2021 21:29

On a slightly different note, one of my friends and I would arrange to meet for a coffee and when we sat down in the cafe she would bring out one she’d brought from home in a flask.

It happened a couple of times and was so embarrassing. I never did work out why, if it was stinginess or another reason but I haven’t arranged to meet up since!!

ttcpatronisers · 20/12/2021 21:30

Just say let's all buy our own drinks, or when it's her turn say so and so, your turn to buy - she can't refuse?!

Silvershroud · 20/12/2021 21:40

It's a bit condescending to suggest they are on the spectrum. The few people I know like this are quite upfront- if someone wants to treat them to drinks or cigarettes that's fine, but they don't want to waste their own money. They don't feel uncomfortable, it is the people who don't treat them that feel uncomfortable when we are out.

Needawayout · 20/12/2021 21:44

We have unfortunately drifted apart from a friend like this who causes so much difficulty when out for drinks and meals that it just wasn't worth it, despite offers of advice and help. They were ADHD which made them highly disorganized but also v anxious about spending money. They insisted on only paying their share of the bill even when it worked out more expensive for them, and often tried to pay less than their share ! They never bought rounds but happily accepted drinks from everyone else. But then weirdly at the end of the night or weekend when they realised they had loads of money left they would then suddenly be v generous and buy gifts or pay for taxis etc.. I think they just had no ability to cost out the night and plan their spending. But at the end of the day it just annoyed everybody and spoiled nights out so they just stopped being invited - hope you have more success !!

user33323 · 20/12/2021 22:02

The reasons rounds happen is to avoid en masse queuing. It is polite to offer friends if they'd like a drink when you get up to go, but yes, then there are obvious downsides when it is your turn but you aren't ready, or maybe if you are autistic and find ordering en masse difficult. What about only choosing places with app based table service?

Jennifer2r · 20/12/2021 22:05

I do understand people saying they hate rounds, but the crucial part of sitting out of rounds is saying 'no, thank you, I'll buy my own' when someone offers you a drink! Not accepting one then never making a move to buy one back!

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2021 22:24

@Maryann1975, I recall DH getting DS to help him get in a round in his younger years at the rugby club, etc. Certainly dd used to be given a fiver to get a round for her friends like the mummies at the Tennis club.

Why would you hope a kindly friend would take one of your ds's aside and explain. Isn't it a basic life skull that parents help with? Rather like buying a train ticket, asking a question in a shop, going to the Dr's, tipping the hairdresser, etc?

LittleMysSister · 20/12/2021 22:43

I wouldn't bother actually sitting down and talking to her about this - it sounds like it's already been broached by your best friend and she has made excuses and brushed it off.

I'd do as someone else said above and just casually ask "you sorting your own drinks today Emma or are you coming in on the rounds with us?" when the first drinks are being ordered. She will likely say she'll stay alone.

LittleMysSister · 20/12/2021 22:44

@Jennifer2r

I do understand people saying they hate rounds, but the crucial part of sitting out of rounds is saying 'no, thank you, I'll buy my own' when someone offers you a drink! Not accepting one then never making a move to buy one back!
Agreed!
Helpstopthepain · 20/12/2021 22:48

what should I say?

Just ask if she’s okay

WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain · 20/12/2021 22:49

I hate rounds. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what everyone will order and having to pay for it despite it possibly being a lot more expensive than what I'd drink normally. I have money but I don't want to spend it on other people's drinks. Wouldn't mind it as a one off but not every time the group met.

Time to stop rounds and just get your own I think. That way no one is being left out and no one is being taken advantage of.

Is it possible she just doesn't like drinking and pubs anymore? Maybe that's why shes not bothered sitting there empty handed

thefourgp · 20/12/2021 22:50

I don’t like buying rounds because I’m not a big drinker and always end up out of pocket but I’d always buy someone a drink if they bought me one. Maybe stop inviting her to group events where everyone else is buying rounds? Or just no-one buy her a drink and let her sit without one. I knew a woman who was briefly part of my social circle and she got left out after a while because she was always sponging off her friends. She even started a go fund me page for a jolly weekend away she pretended was for essential business. She turned up to a hen weekend where she was a bridesmaid without any cash for drinks so the others ended up buying all her drinks. She had no shame. I’ve no sympathy for such people when they’re no longer invited out on social occasions.

Lilymossflower · 20/12/2021 22:53

She may Well be a CF

Or she may be autistic as you say she may be, and not understand this stuff. In which case a frank talk without anger and not in public would be the best way forward. We autistics don't understand what we did wrong without an explanation

LittleMysSister · 20/12/2021 23:08

@WhoopsWhatsMyNameAgain

I hate rounds. I hate the uncertainty of not knowing what everyone will order and having to pay for it despite it possibly being a lot more expensive than what I'd drink normally. I have money but I don't want to spend it on other people's drinks. Wouldn't mind it as a one off but not every time the group met.

Time to stop rounds and just get your own I think. That way no one is being left out and no one is being taken advantage of.

Is it possible she just doesn't like drinking and pubs anymore? Maybe that's why shes not bothered sitting there empty handed

But everyone else is happy doing rounds?

And this friend is happy to accept the drinks everyone else buys for her, she just never returns the favour. So doesn't sound like it's about her not liking drinking or pubs.

saraclara · 20/12/2021 23:12

I don't get it. Why, in all this time has no one said "it's your round"?

Why not just be straightforward?

ttcpatronisers · 20/12/2021 23:22

@saraclara

I don't get it. Why, in all this time has no one said "it's your round"?

Why not just be straightforward?

Exactly this !!
SisterConcepta · 20/12/2021 23:24

Clearly another of life’s takers....everyone knows at least one

Fossie · 20/12/2021 23:32

I wasn’t great at this when I was younger. I’m grateful to people who know how to lead a situation. For example, I’m asked by someone who has bought me a drink, if I would like another drink. I say ‘yes’, they then say ‘I think that’s your turn to pay, do you want to give me the cash?’ Simple.

MyHandbagBetterThanMaryPoppins · 20/12/2021 23:35

Just to reiterate the other posters, the kitty system works around social anxiety/unknowns. Everyone pops in £20 for drinks if you want rounds or, buy your own. Job done.

Sorka · 21/12/2021 00:05

Lots of people suggesting she might be struggling with going to the bar. Did she get drinks in when it was table service only, often ordering via an app?

She’s either stingy or obtuse. Either way bluntness is your friend.

Yours,
Someone who is so sometimes too blunt

Restart10 · 21/12/2021 00:20

@blissfulllife

I'd put money on it being a social anxiety thing. I'm on the spectrum and hate going to the bar
So? You just sit there accepting drinks when someone is paying but its social anxiety when it's your turn? You can't possibly use that as an excuse here?
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