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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to have frank talk with a stingy friend?

164 replies

concernedfriend500 · 20/12/2021 19:49

One of the members of our friend group never buys a round. She's happy to accept a drink when someone else is buying, but never reciprocates, apart from one time when her best friend called her out on it. At which point she claimed she wasn't thirsty.
Our friendship group normally meets in pubs for lunch/birthday etc drinks but now it's got to the point where she sits drink-less (she waits to see if someone will buy her a drink) because everyone else has wised up to her . It feels awkward and is in danger of spoiling the vibe when someone gets a round in but misses her out.
So should I have a frank talk with her, and what should I say? This may or may not be relevant but she might be on the spectrum, so not very good at social cues. But she also might just be very stingy (or both). She's not poor btw, quite the opposite.

OP posts:

Doona · 20/12/2021 20:44

I mean, I've seen people just go, "whose turn? Your turn."

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2021 20:47

I don’t think it needs to be awkward at all and no need for rounds, you just all put a kitty in at the start of rhe night, then what she drinks becomes irrelevant, it is just who goes to the bar.

Peakypolly · 20/12/2021 20:48

Why don't you just say " It's your round" to her? I just can't see the problem here. I have a stingy mate and we have made a joke of it to her and she now laughs along. (Hasn't made her any quicker to offer though!)

RoastedParsnips · 20/12/2021 20:48

Simple.
When it's her turn for a round just say "right it's your turn for the round do you want a hand with the drinks?"
If she struggles with social cues, you just have to be a bit more blunt.

TyrannosaurusRegina · 20/12/2021 20:49

If she is sh about ordering/skint/cant drink as much, then surely she wouldn't accept a drink from others, simply buy her own and nurse it all night, or not come out. The way she is behaving screams that she just wants everyone to buy for her and doesn't want to put her finger in her pocket.

CheshireKitten123 · 20/12/2021 20:51

@RoastedParsnips

Simple. When it's her turn for a round just say "right it's your turn for the round do you want a hand with the drinks?" If she struggles with social cues, you just have to be a bit more blunt.

This.

Simple.

georgarina · 20/12/2021 20:51

Another vote for you just having to nominate her.

'Right, your round'

If she won't offer, maybe that will salvage the vibe.

SkiingIsHeaven · 20/12/2021 20:52

We had a friend who did this. We called him out on it and then when he was forced to offer we all ordered expensive drinks.

When he just offered, we ordered normal drinks. He did realise after a while and now buys his fair share.

So annoying.

RosesAndHellebores · 20/12/2021 20:57

If she were genuinely neuro diverse and very good at masking wouldn't she mask this by offering to pay for a round and asking someone else to do the ordering.

We had a colleague like this and introduced a kitty. She never ever offered to buy a round or refused a drink. It was v embarrassing. I suspect she might have been on the autistic spectrum but this was a question of learnt manners and etiquette and by 30 she should have learnt it or decided the pub wasn't for her if it was all about taking with no giving.

HappyAsASandboy · 20/12/2021 20:58

If it hadn't been so long since I went out to a pub socially I would think you're talking about me!

I hate this stuff. I love going out drinking, love the social nature of the big group and rounds of drinks and generosity. But I don't understand the rules really, I don't pick up on the cues that it's the right time to offer a round, I don't understand what everyone wants when they tell me, I struggle to remember the order at the bar (especially after a few), and I am terrified of offending someone by missing them out of the order or forgetting to order their drink.

I have learned to ask someone I trust (with my vulnerability, not because I worry they'll financially shift me!) to handle my round for me. This generally manifests as friend saying "your round Happy" and then helping me manage the whole thing. I am very grateful to the friends who have helped me on various nights out. I am not stingy, I am socially challenged!

ThePlumVan · 20/12/2021 21:01

I absolutely hate doing rounds - I never drink that much, or very expensive drinks, so I always end up subsidising others.
I also hate being stuck at tables for ages and like going up and down to the bar, and dancing so end up missing rounds or downing them to get back on dance floor (or get dragged off because I’ve got a glass).
I also can’t remember everyone’s drinks order when it is my turn (and cry inwardly at the price of some of them).

Will people just see to themselves and avoid all the awkwardness!

TractorAndHeadphones · 20/12/2021 21:01

On the spectrum lmao
Why don’t you have an honest chat and ask her why she doesn’t buy rounds? Or tell her that it’s her turn? Don’t go around ‘diagnosing’ people

Doggydoodah123 · 20/12/2021 21:01

I hate rounds because I don't drink alcohol for a start and the two soft drinks I'd drink over the evening wouldn't come to all that much and I resent paying for other people's expensive drinks. The issue here is that if your friend feels that way then she should opt out of rounds and just buy her own. I have always felt awkward about saying no to rounds so maybe your friend feels the same.

TractorAndHeadphones · 20/12/2021 21:03

Also I don’t like rounds with a big group because I always get half pints, everyone else gets a full but they’re fair and let me buy when I finally finish my half pints😂😂😂
I’m a slow drinker otherwise I’d spend the whole evening sprinting to the toilets

colourfulpuddles · 20/12/2021 21:03

Leave her out. It’s her own fault.

Rounds are ridiculous anyway.

Arren12 · 20/12/2021 21:03

I'm autistic and the complete opposite in that if someone buys me a drink I am anxious for them to accept one back. Il sit with my drink anxious that I must buy them one as soon as they finish so I don't look mean. I hate when people don't accept drinks (or anything for that matter) when they have bought me one. I try offer the first round always. A lovely generous friend of mine buys me lots of coffees and treats and will never accept one back when I offer and it makes me so anxious as I always feel awkward or in debt in some way. Example she bought me two coffees this week and i have thought about it for days since and I'm thinking about texting her to say i owe her drinks or something like that. Its because I have learnt its the right thing to do to buy someone a drink back but its hard for autistic people to know when the right time is or when is polite or if I'm saying the right thing in the right way. Urrrggghh
I don't mind going to the bar. But a night out to the pub is fun at the time but utterly exhausting for me and takes me time to recover after (not from alcohol but masking)
We are all different and some of my autistic friends sound similar to yours. Its really hard actually.

I'm constantly sat in groups second guessing if I'm missing social qs or saying the right thing etc sigh its a tough thing to have.

Yogaandcocoa · 20/12/2021 21:03

I think I'd just want to buy my own drinks but otherwise talk to her about it alone

3luckystars · 20/12/2021 21:03

I wouldn’t open my mouth. If she says anything to you or asks your advice, I’d explain that people take turns buying rounds, and it’s probably her turn but I would not buy her another drink or say anything.

Yogaandcocoa · 20/12/2021 21:04

Or if you all just want to exclude her from rounds and see if she asks then do that.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/12/2021 21:06

She’s just tight. You should all agree to get her to buy the first round next time. Will she say she doesn’t want one then?

I’d just say to her, Look, you’re coming across as tight, and it’s not pretty.

Loveisthere · 20/12/2021 21:07

We had a friend like this and when one of the group said its your round she grudgingly paid but stayed at the bar did not come back and join us. Next day complained on group txt that £12.10 had been taken out of her bank account then dissed us all in the same txt. It is very unfair to put the group on edge by being stingy

Maryann1975 · 20/12/2021 21:12

As the parent of two autistic dc, I hope that If one of them was in this situation, a kind friend would Take them to one side and explain how the round system works and check if they needed support with it. One dc in particular has high anxiety andwould hate to have to go to the bar and order anything, but would also hate to have to ask a friend to come to the bar to help, so if a friend could offer with that, it would make a massive difference.

@colourfulpuddles Do you mean it is the friends fault she has a disability? Would you say that to someone in a wheelchair?

CeibaTree · 20/12/2021 21:13

What happens when she isn't included in your informal rounds? If she is happy just to buy her own drinks, then just leave her to it and carry on as you are splitting off into rounds with people who are happy to do so.

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 21:15

Just don't do rounds.

I never understand rounds, just buy your own drinks as you want/need them with your own money and then this issue couldn't exist - I have yet to come across one single good reason for rounds.

Also, my thought would be if someone never buys their own drink and doesn't repay drinks maybe they simply can't afford it.

I know I have some friends that INSISTS on buying everyone a drink even though most of us don't want to buy rounds (I can buy my own 2/3 vodkas and cokes but not a round of mixed drinks for 12 people and I wouldn't need that many drinks in turn either) because we cant afford it, they always say 'dont worry about it' but are very heavy handed and its bloody awkward.

Newcomer68 · 20/12/2021 21:16

I'm just over five foot. In the days before covid19 (and before I got old enough to admit I hated crowded pubs/wine bars etc) I used to absolutely dread having to go up to the bar.

It's not that I mind paying for a round, quite the opposite; I just used to hate being deliberately ignored by the pretty young female barmaids (which happened frequently) or having to wait until I could catch the eye of one of the kinder young men (evidently reminded of their mums or aunties!)

We usually did do kitties though. I now much prefer having to order via an app. Long live kitties and long live the app!!!!

And then I also used to dread having to run the gauntlet with the drinks when my nose was roughly at the same level as the armpits in the crowds. I don't mind a nice quiet country or suburban pub but I still don't understand the appeal of urban sardine watering holes!!!

If she isn't contributing though that's a different thing entirely, definitely try the kitty. Or just get her tap water!!

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