To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

I think you're being slightly unreasonable and possibly cutting your nose off.
I totally understand why you're upset at being uninvited, that's rude and I'd be annoyed at that too. But if you don't go Thursday, then the alternative is just to stay alone? Surely that's worse?

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask you to wait until Thursday to come down. Aren't most people working until Thursday so you would be there for 4 working days. While it is short notice, perhaps his mum is struggling too and if she is working this week, I can understand why she wouldn't like houseguests.

You're both a bit old to be dependent on his mum's wishes though and talking about her letting you see each other sounds a bit odd. Is there any chance that either of you could get your own place and it would remove all the issues about you feeling welcome etc. I'm sure you are welcome as a guest but coming for a week at a time does seem like a lot. Do you and your boyfriend cook dinner for the family while you're there? Clean up? Do some shopping?

You do seem a little self-centred and have only considered you and your mum (although at your age, you should be able to get yourself to the supermarket) and one busy day of packing and shopping when his mum is expected to welcome a 2 week houseguest with open arms.

I think you should accept the invitation for Thursday graciously and maybe have a think about how you spend your time in your boyfriend's parents house - do you treat it like a place to stay or respect it as their home?

Do neither of you have jobs? All this free time around Christmas must be nice. I'd stop going there every year, sounds like she's fed up with it. Have Christmas at home just the 2 of you. You are adults.

If you feel like you won't really be welcome maybe see your family instead op.
But rubbish cancelling on you when you are all packed... And maybe tell dp he needs to be more honest in future.

I think that your bf is pressuring her into agreeing with things that she doesn't want to. I think that he is probably taking it and her for granted. She's quite within her rights to want to minimise the time that she is forced into having adult house guests and you need to stop thinking that you are entitled to stay longer. Both you and your bf are proper adults now and need to think about spending time at your place and just dropping in for Christmas dinner.

I don’t mean this unkindly but you do seem a little immature. This post isn’t a rant; it’s a long whine. It’s all very passive and reads like something that someone in their late teens would write. He’s your boyfriend not your partner. You both live at home and not together and so your boyfriend’s mum is the hostess and gets to decide how things work. It does seem as though you might be wearing people out with your neediness, but I also don’t think this needs to be a huge deal that results in you spending Christmas alone in order to avoid uncertainty about your packing. That seems like being overly dramatic because you can’t have things the way you planned them.

So many questions …

How far apart are you? Do you always see each other in big blocks of time? Do you drive / how are you getting there? Are you literally not planning on leaving once there? So no meals out / festive trips etc?

At your ages I would expect you to both be able to come and go from your homes without so much parental involvement?

Corrrr blimey some people are already on the warpath towards you OP

I can understand why you’d feel upset. One thing about anxiety is we like to feel prepared and know what we’re doing/when so the last minute change of plans can be really unsettling, I totally get that.

You actually sound as though you’ve thought a lot of this through and I agree there needs to be better communication between all parties (you and bf, you and his mum, etc).

I definitely wouldn’t cancel Christmas because of this. You’re feeling upset that plans have changed last minute, but you definitely don’t want to spend a Christmas feeling lonely because of it.

Sleep on it and see how you feel tomorrow. I’d likely accept graciously (it’s nice that they invite you round for Christmas) and put the last minute change of plans behind you.

Good luck

Honestly lovely, at 25 and 26 years old it's time you had your own place to live and weren't dependent on your boyfriends mum for how you live your lives.
She shouldn't have gone back on her agreement - I do think that was mean, but maybe she is getting fed up with her grown up son and his girlfriend taking over her space and she's just at that point where she wants her house back (as much as she loves you both)?
Don't cut your nose off to spite your face, but in the new year sort out your lives.

I think you’re being really dramatic and quite unreasonable. Hosting is stressful and the MIL isn’t saying you’re personally messy and using long showers, you’re just another body and she could do with a few more days

Open some Christmas chocs and Prosecco, stick love actually on and enjoy your bonus Christmas Day on your own

No need for tears and histrionics

I wouldn't want my sons girlfriend here from today until after boxing day either. It's far too early.

You've contradicted yourself a few times in your post - e.g. you don't mess up her kitchen because you eat out a lot - you want to isolate at their house in case the rules chanage - eating out is not isolating. You'll have a lonely Christmas, but you won't because you'll be with your mum.

his mum should learn not to mess people around

Your post makes you sound incredibly immature with very little else going on in your life. If you're overwhelmed by having to pack to go stay somewhere, imagine the amount work your boyfriend's mother has to do to accommodate a house guest for over a week.

The best solution to your huge whinge is for you and your boyfriend to get your own place.

You mention your parents a lot for people in their mid-twenties.

Your boyfriend doesn’t need his mum’s permission to see you.

And your mum doesn’t need to miss seeing her friends to drive you to a supermarket. You could get a taxi.

Maybe you should have a break from each other and spend Christmas as home.

Re-assess things after the new year.

Ah op I can see how you’ve really taken this to heart.

A wise and honest friend once said “house guests and fish go off after three days!” And never a truer word was spoken, especially on the run up to Christmas. His mum is probably run ragged, especially if she already has a house full. I dare say it isn’t personal, just that she is trying to keep the chaos to a minimum before the big day.

Both you and your partner seem a little bit reliant on your mum’s for people in your mid-late 20s. Maybe she is aware that her responsibility will be greater with you there too, and wants to wait till everything else is in hand.

YABU for your reaction: it’s her house, she wants to be able to use the only bathroom when she wants to, and not have another person adding to stress and mess. It could possibly also be due to the Covid situation. Either way, when you still live at home with parents, you don’t get to say what is happening.
If you want to cut your nose off to spite your face then that’s up to you though.

Short notice, ofc it's a pain in the arse but don't ruin it for yourself.
Agree and go.
Your case is packed, store the food and drink as you would there.
Enjoy few more days peace.

I don't really understand why you would need to go so many days in advance. And why do your parents have any say whatsoever in when you see your partner? It's bizarre.
I'm assuming your mum had to take you shopping due to OCD/anxiety etc?

You are 25 years old but seem a lot younger. This really isn't as a big a deal as you are making out in your head. Put the food in the fridge and go on Thursday. Be polite and friendly, help with the clean up and take shorter showers. Maybe set an alarm for 15 minutes when you get in the shower. Don't overstay your welcome You are going over for Xmas, ask your boyfriend to spend new year's at yours. She isn't saying that you are messy or take long showers in comparison to everybody else, I think what she means is having another person in the house just makes it chaotic overall and she is stressed as it is.

@ChangeChingyChange

Do neither of you have jobs? All this free time around Christmas must be nice. I'd stop going there every year, sounds like she's fed up with it. Have Christmas at home just the 2 of you. You are adults.

Try reading the OP. They both live with their parents. Time for a bit of independence @PinkStarAtNight. It’s time you both had places of your own so you can make your own plans. Perhaps that’s the message his mum’s trying to convey?

you are being ridiculous. Your boyfriend should not have told you it was fine when it really wasn't. Having guests for a whole week before xmas was always going to be a stretch. Unpack your bag and relax. You should of course go on Thursday and stop being dramatic about it. Not going would spiting yourself. Insisting on going earlier would be rude.

Changing things at the last minute isn't very nice but it is her home and she clearly isn't comfortable with you staying over for so long. Lots of people enjoy relaxing over Christmas and extra people in the house that they feel they have to host can be stressful. There's no need to cancel going over for Christmas but it's good to recognise that she is doing you a favour by having you in her home.

Just spend Christmas with your own parents. You haven't for a few years, it'll make a nice change

No one really celebrates Christmas properly unless they are Christians.

What's the problem staying at home with your mum this week and just enjoy the TV and food?
More or less what others will be doing but with a tree and presents.

Why doesn’t your boyfriend come to you today, then go back with your Thursday?

Although I would be tempted to say don’t worry I am not coming and leave them to it

I don't actually think bfs mum is being rude, I think he pressured her and she has now put her foot down. So the issue with the invitation is not her, but your bf. It is hard when you both live at home, and unlike a lot of people on here, I can see why it is hard to just move out. But I think not going at all would be really sad for you. I don't think this is really about you at all, so would not take it to heart - the issue is that she is a bit fed up with her son and you are in the way.