To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

I do agree with pp that it can be wearing having someone to stay every other weekend, your mums have been very kind, no way would this have been allowed in my family.

I think when you're a girlfriend, staying in your boyfriend's parents' home, you're his guest and not theirs. Problem is, he doesn't have authority to invite you anywhere, especially when he doesn't even have a job or contribute at 26 years old!!

So in regards to sending his Mum a message I would just leave it, it's not personal, it's about her adult DS taking the piss. If you message her it will be awkward all round. The only message I would send is asking if there's anything else she would like you to bring on Thursday.

It's annoying having plans changed, but they weren't the host's plans.

He's not your partner is he really? He's just a boyfriend, one who is happy to let his mum get in the way of his relationship. Having said that, her reasons for not wanting you to come early are valid. It's him that's the problem. He hasn't been honest with either you or his mum.

If you think he's made all this up because he can't deal with your anxiety you've got bigger problems. Are you getting any help for your MH? medication or therapy?

So you have anxiety, your boyfriend and his brother has anxiety while his mum works fulltime and supports them both practically and financially but she is the rude one for not wanting a week long houseguest who won't make herself a cup of tea?

When does his mum get a mental health break?

You have a boyfriend issue, not a Christmas issue. He sounds very entitled.

But what's the problem with you just going Christmas Eve to Boxing Day?

Why do you need to go for the whole week? His mum is probably fine with you being there for actual Christmas, just not for the whole week leading up to it.

Surely you'd have had to have gone shopping anyway, can't you just put it in the fridge til then?

@Cofifeefee

So you have anxiety, your boyfriend and his brother has anxiety while his mum works fulltime and supports them both practically and financially but she is the rude one for not wanting a week long houseguest who won't make herself a cup of tea?

When does his mum get a mental health break?

If I was his mum I would be in a pit of despair at the blobs of sons I had produced.

His brother is irrelevant.

I agree with PP that you need to start having conversations with his mum directly. How far away are you from their house? Have you actually asked her to delegate some jobs to you?

I want a snack or a cup of tea I won't go and make it myself, I'll ask him to do it for me or at least go with me, because I don't want them to think I'm walking around acting like its my house

• this would drive me loopy I'm afraid. If you behave like a guest the whole time you're there, needing waited upon or supervised, then you will be a much greater imposition for a week than someone who mucks in.

Put your disappointment to one side. It's her house, it's been a really really difficult couple of years to navigate hosting boundaries. Ask what you can do /buy before Thursday, occupy yourself until then and then enjoy the time.

Also as PP have said there's nothing stopping your boyfriend coming to see you before then if you feel you need him.

I'm finding everyone's responses quite tough. But I am willing to agree that we both need to be more independent. It is something we talk about a lot, its just hard. I have almost constant intrusive thoughts about the most horrible and distressing things. Look up Pure OCD or OCD Intrusive Thoughts. I don't get a break, its constant. Medication is hard because the health ocd theme has me terrified about side effects. Counselling is hard because I'm scared to tell anyone my thoughts. Today in the supermarket my thoughts almost had me breaking down crying in the middle of the aisle. So I needed to know my mum was there.

BF's anxiety issues are relatively less intense than mine but he does struggle.

I think a lot of people are being a bit dismissive of mental health and how it affects people, but at the same time I am feeling very sobered about how much I impact on my mum's life and I suppose I do understand BFs mum's pov if that's how she's feeling. I just wanted more consideration in the way it was done.

I can't believe the level of over think involved here.

Why do you think it's OK to move in for so long? Especially when you don't help round the house when you're there?

Go on Thursday, be gracious and enjoy the celebrations. Take lots of gifts and thank everyone lots.

I’m guessing you’ve never hosted Christmas before. You should give it a whirl sometimes and then report back on how easy it was ( especially with all the able bodied adults suffering with mental health problems one way or another ).

Are you sure it’s actually your partnr’s mum who has said she doesn’t want you there and not your partner?

Sounds to me that he is actually the one who doesn’t want you there, given his mum said categorically to you that they were expecting you to be there. and then suddenly he is the one who tells you he had to convince her? Nope, not buying that from him.

And he’s saying that you don’t speak when you’re there, that his mum is uncomfortable, All this is coming from him, “my mum won’t let us see each other/my mum said I can’t come/my mum seemed reluctant so could you please not come.”

The one obvious thing his mother has done is raise to man babies who seem completely incapable of living as adults in the real world. But other than that you are both adults, who are both choosing to behave like children.

Plenty of people have anxiety and live normal lives. As for “my friend says I have tendencies,” nope, someone telling you they think you might have x or y does not a diagnosis make. It’s a convenient way of getting out of being a grown-up though.

Frankly you both need to stop acting like 12 year olds and need to move on from each other, and out of your parents’ houses into the real world.

There are two very hard working people in this scenario, keeping a lot of balls in the air and a lot of people happy and supported, despite whatever mental health issues they may or may not have, and that's both of your mums.

*two man babies

So you've been with him since you were 20/21? That's so young! There's a big wide world out there. Look at his brother. When you move in together, i guarantee at 30, you'll be playing the mum role and looking after your bf - to your own detriment. He's lied to you over all this Christmas business - he told you his mum was ok with it (you knew she wasnt, it you wouldn't have kept asking and you asked him multiple times so he had the chance to come clean) Now he's caused you to have what sounds like an anxiety attack to me. I have them too. Frantic overthinking, Christmas is ruined, relying on him for your mental health, grand statements like "I'll never go there again" being way too invested in things happening the way you have planned. It's normal to be a bit pissed off but it sounds like it's more than that for you.

If you were my daughter id be urging you to take this as a cue to take a break from him, get some help for your mental health and figure out what you really want to do with your life.

This relationship is dragging you down. You deserve better than someone who lies to you.

Good grief. You're both nearly 30. What on earth are yo( doing, wafting about? Get jobs, move out.

You're adults. Behave like them.

My son (much younger than you) had a girlfriend for 3 years. She was here every other weekend and sometimes more. She was really nice. The thing that made it bearable having someone else in your house, was that she ALWAYS came and said hello to us, asked us what we’d been up to and stuff about her upbringing and general life! She was happy to engage with us. Had she just sneaked into his room and asked him to get snacks for her, it would have driven us crazy! I’m just being honest how we felt. It’s been 3 years, you really do need to make an effort and you do need to see the other side of having someone living in your house..

@Divebar2021

I’m guessing you’ve never hosted Christmas before. You should give it a whirl sometimes and then report back on how easy it was ( especially with all the able bodied adults suffering with mental health problems one way or another ).

So true. Also I noted the OP said her and her partner are hoping to move in with each other in the new year - but they'll both be full time students and apparently can't be away from their mums. Not sure how they'll pay for it or cope with it. OP not being rude but I think you both need to focus on yourselves and get yourselves sorted and leave each other alone for a while. You both need a "grown up" influence in life and probably aren't right for each other.

I totally understand why you’re upset - your MIL was rude to mess you around and I absolutely understand why you feel a bit unwelcome.

That said, I think you should still go on Thursday. I think your current feelings are coming from a place of stress and emotion, and you might regret acting on them in days to come.

I would give yourself a night to sleep on it and then make a decision in the morning with a clearer head.

I also think that it’s probably not the case that your MIL doesn’t like you - I expect she’s actually just flapped a bit and ended up feeling awkward and stressed, and the poor communication from your partner hasn’t helped. Try not to take it to heart - you sound lovely and I’m sure they do like and value you

Look up Pure OCD or OCD Intrusive Thoughts. I don't get a break, its constant. Medication is hard because the health ocd theme has me terrified about side effects. Counselling is hard because I'm scared to tell anyone my thoughts. Today in the supermarket my thoughts almost had me breaking down crying in the middle of the aisle. So I needed to know my mum was there.

One way or another you need proper help. Yes medication has side effects but... Otherwise what's your plan? Rely on your mum and your boyfriend forever while life passes you by? You owe it to yourself to get help so you can live the rest of your life free of this illness.

I'm not being dismissive. I've got a long and severe history of anxiety, depression and ptsd. I didn't want to go on medication either. But i did, and had psychotherapy and it saved my life and i live normally, free of intrusive thoughts 95% of the time. Some people do understand what is like to live with a severe mh condition. But i personally also understand how much of a difference therapy and medication can make, or the right treatment for you however that looks. But that won't happen until you pluck up the courage to ask for help. Your first step should be your GP.

OP, lots of us on here suffer with mental health issues. Lots of people on here do so as breadwinners, single parents, carers. That doesn't make your feelings less real, but it hopefully allows you to see that there are coping strategies that many of us are navigating every day.

What techniques do you have for handling intrusive thoughts? What would your most helpful counsellor suggest that you do right now? What would you at your most competent and confident do right now?

@AngelinaFibres I actually snorted out my tea at blobs of sons

Oh OP. Take heart. I think you have expressed yourself well and held your own here. I hope your anxiety and confidence improve. Regarding Christmas, personally I would NOT go. Given your boyfriend sort of lied to you and the whole household is anxiety-inducing I would cut my losses. You will see him soon enough. Take care.

I do sympathise op, I have aspergers and GAD.

And I know sometimes it can cause irrational thoughts. But try and look at it from his mums perspective. It's her home, and it's stressful having other people in your home in the week before Christmas. There a loads of threads on MN from posters stressed about having guests!

Realistically, it's a difficult position to put his mum in. That's not your fault, but perhaps your BF should have considered this.

Can't you just go for Christmas Eve and day?

It really does sound like you and your BF need to get your own place. Why can't he work in addition to studying? Many people have no choice but to do both at the same time. Especially if he's 25 and not working. I presume he's not in classes 40 hours a week.

@angelinafibres blobs of sons, I am robbing that 😂