To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

You say you have been with him almost three years and you 'always' ..... but you can only have spent two Christmas breaks with him. It's all rather a lot of drama and fuss and pressure. 5 people and one bathroom isn't great either.
Why doesn't he come and see you for Christmas in your house?

I do sympathise with you OP. I think a lot of the comments here have been extremely dismissive of mental health and as someone who also suffers with anxiety and mental health issues that's not been particularly pleasant to read.

You do sound slightly immature but I think a lot of that likely comes from the anxiety.

Your boyfriend has caused this, not his mother. He's tried to pressure her into something and she's put her foot down. It does sound like he needs to have a bit more respect for his mother and the fact that he lives in her house rent free, and if I were you I would be making that clear to him.

7 days is a really long time to have a house guest and it takes its toll. If you go on Thursday you can do so in the knowledge that you're fully welcome. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face, go on Thursday and have a lovely Christmas.

I’ve got mixed feelings about your post, you are reasonable in some issues and unreasonable in others. Are these last minutes changes annoying? Yes, they are. Are the reasons which were given to you a bit offensive? Yes, they are. But the truth is that your boyfriend lives with his parents so cannot do what he wants in the house.
One bathroom is very difficult to manage for 5 people. There are 3 of us: I, DH and DD and we are always arguing about using our only bathroom. I wouldn’t invite my own family to stay while we have one bathroom.
And actually we don’t know what his mum said she probably said in general or about both of you: you and your boyfriend and he passed it as her comments about you.
I’ve got feeling that your BF has a problem with his mum, she’s a bit fed up and tired with him and his brother still living at home. She wants them out. She’s not a bad mum for this, not really, she’s got nothing against you she just want be able to relax in her house and you can’t do this with someone staying.
My sister was in similar situation : when her 25 yo son wanted his GF stayed often she wasn’t happy. It’s a question of one bathroom, not being so relaxed etc etc. He found a flat to rent and did what he wanted when he wanted with whom he wanted. Bliss for everyone!

Off topic but...

By the sounds of it you should be entitled to disability benefits such as PIP and potentially your mum could be entitled to Carer's Allowance if she spends a lot of time doing things like taking you to the supermarket.

Don't blame his mum.

Sounds as if she said yes to shut him up!

It's only the 20th & she's still willing to have you on the 23rd!

But if you decided not to go-couldn't you do Christmas for you & your Mum or wouldn't she want that?

What does she usually do when you are at your boyfriend's mums?

The OP has said more that once that her mum doesn't celebrate Christmas!

Op, have yiu ever discussed the future with him what does that look like?

Temp jobs, make it difficult to live alone or qualify for anywhere if he is doing g an success course and won't work while studying, he is likey to in his 30s by the time he is looking for work.

Are yiu sure he actually will?

You are thinking of studying again, how will you finance that?

It really sounds like you are wasting your life with this man.

And honestly, I bet his mum didn't know you were going today, until this morning. He isn't being honest

If you don’t like it, then your boyfriend and yourself should get a place together and host Xmas. Problem solved.

It sounds as though boyfriends mother is under the pump with work in the lead up to Xmas, didn’t want house guests, your boyfriend pressured her and now she’s realised she’s already gone half-mad and that’s without the extra house guest so she’s trying to save some sanity. All that’s happened is you have been asked to postpone your arrival for a few days. How you have turned this into something all about you, throwing in dramatic gestures such as ‘the roller coaster of disappointment’ is odd. Just get on with your life and turn up on Thursday, have a pleasant time, clean up after yourself and shorten your showers.

Think I'd be questioning whether you should even be in this relationship never mind worrying about Christmas - doesn't seem to be helping your MH at all, just creating more anxiety.

I agree with other posters, you two sound very young, younger than 25 and 26.. your boyfriend lives with his mum..it is her house therefore she gets to call the shots..if you two want to be able to nake your own decisions on being in the house i think its time you moved out..its a bit shitty that shes changed her mind last minute yes but you just have to go along with it.. would your mum mind your bf staying there with her?

Ok from your updates now my position is: this entire situation is a mess. A big mess. This relationship does not sound good for you personally.

I , like many, have anxiety issues. ( GAD, SAD.)
And I've been beset with intrusive thoughts, all of my life. These are not excuses. !!!

That you are prepared to spend so long at your boyfriend's house is amazing. I wouldn't have. It would fill me with horror.
I can only imagine your boyfriend's mum's thinking... 'oh god , another person , in my house, for so long!'
You need to think outside of your own box. What your boyfriend says and what his mum says are entirely different. It's her house, not your boyfriend's. He doesn't seem to have spoken with his mum with regard to your stay.

That your mum doesn't celebrate Christmas is not your, your boyfriend's or his mum's fault.

As you're both in your mid twenties, I think that you ought to both move out and maybe live together. Maybe create your own Christmas.

That you won't go and pop the kettle on without your boyfriend is worrying. I suspect that you exasperate his mum, which might explain why she eyes you up... you are a rarity in her house, won't do anything and she probably doesn't feel like she knows you.., despite the nearly four years that you've been together. I totally get that as my children are in their twenties.

It's also very telling that you've not really spoken to his mum in nearly four years!

I imagine his mother is run ragged and a house guest is just a step too far. I think you need to look at it from her perspective.

I don't think his mum expected you to help out for 4/5 days before Christmas. But I'm sure she'd appreciate some help on the day or maybe setting stuff up the day before.

Really focus on the post written by posters who have a similar diagnosis- the right therapy and possibly medication could change your life for the better.

You’re old enough to just have a Christmas together at yours, no? He can go back and see his Mum on Boxing Day?

@LuluBlakey1

You say you have been with him almost three years and you 'always' ..... but you can only have spent two Christmas breaks with him. It's all rather a lot of drama and fuss and pressure. 5 people and one bathroom isn't great either. Why doesn't he come and see you for Christmas in your house?

Because Christmas isn't celebrated in her house...

@ToykotoLosAngeles

The OP has said more that once that her mum doesn't celebrate Christmas!

Yes, but for people to know that, they'd have to actually read her posts!

I don’t understand how at 25/26 years old, his mother decides if you can see each other or not 🤷🏻‍♀️It sounds like she’s calling the shots in an adult relationship. Can you invite Dp to yours for Xmas dinner and just do something the two of you?

I have a severe MH condition and I can't say that I've ever relied on my parents particularly- I rely on myself, I get by and it's fine. I take my meds, get therapy etc, support groups, whatever, and if I need any extra help I contact my consulting team. A lot of conditions/crises just take time (with professional approval for anything that's happening of course.) So all you have to do is sit through it and follow your doctor's advice.

I mean obviously if you feel you need to you should stay for now, but I'm sure if you had your own place you'd be ok @PinkStarAtNight . It would also boost your self esteem. Having your own place doesn't require much- it doesn't have to be a perfect lifestyle or anything as no-one is watching.

I don’t understand how at 25/26 years old, his mother decides if you can see each other or not 🤷🏻‍♀️It sounds like she’s calling the shots in an adult relationship. Can you invite Dp to yours for Xmas dinner and just do something the two of you?

@Frostythesnowperson This is a good plan, if he can tear himself away from his mum.

@PinkStarAtNight Worse than being reliant on your own mum would be being reliant on someone else's. I was kind of in that position once briefly. I think they're bound to let you down sooner or later as no matter what they say, their own, real family will always come first.

I think you are taking it too personally.
She might well like you and thought it would be ok for the week. I’d say now the time is here, she’s tired, behind on her preparations and generally regretting what she thought would be ok. She probably didn’t realise the impact it would have on you. Many people would be able to be a lot more flexible on packing etc - e g I just throw things into a bag.

What I will say though is that if you are there often, you shouldn’t be acting like a guest. You should be making your own tea etc, clearing up after yourself and asking if you can do things for them, eg make them a cup of tea. I’d be annoyed at 30 minute showers too. Be quicker.

I think some of these replies are not actually going to help you. People encouraging y

@FanciedChange

Off topic but...

By the sounds of it you should be entitled to disability benefits such as PIP and potentially your mum could be entitled to Carer's Allowance if she spends a lot of time doing things like taking you to the supermarket.

Oh FGS!!!! The OP can work - she has been and has a new contract in January. She also doesn't seem to have any issues with this so why are you encouraging her to go on to benefits? Like many PP have said, managing symptoms of MH through the correct channels with professional help is the way to go, not bowing down to it.

I work with young people and if every person who has anxiety issues goes onto PIP we'll have virtually no workforce. Anxiety seems to be increasing year on year and ways of managing it must be found.

@ToykotoLosAngeles

The OP has said more that once that her mum doesn't celebrate Christmas!

Just reread my post.

Meant to put could Op do Christmas for herself & her boyfriend at her Mums.

Sorry posted to soon. These responses encouraging you to bin off Xmas are not helpful.

Look op, its lovely to go for Christmas and I’m sure she’d want you there, but going today was quite a long time. There is no need to move in a week before hand, I can see why she has said no.

You are both very reliant on your parents, and I understand that’s due to complicating factors. It’s unlikely you can afford to get a place together in the new year so I’m surprised you’re writing like that’s a thing that could possibly happen, he’s no money and you’re on a very low income.

Look just go Thursday, try to leave by the 27th.

I wouldn't let something like this stop you from enjoying Xmas with your bf and his family, if indeed you do enjoy spending Xmas with them. Whilst it is annoying to be messed about I am assuming this just a one-off incident , and I would give them the benefit of the doubt. When you have your own place you'll realise how difficult it is to sort everything before Xmas esp if having people over. Next time, don't agree to get there too early.