To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

1: why can't you just decorate your own room and celebrate together alone?
You can socialise with your mum in a non-Christmas capacity during that time.

2: you really do sound like an extra burden when you're at his mum's house. Practise asking her if she wants you to help. Not in general, but specifically "shall I load/empty the dishwasher?" "Do you want ne to makebreakfast/lunch/tea tomorrow?" "Shall I run the hoover round?" Etc.

3:htf is his brother 30 and not got a bank account!!!

4: I would go up on Friday, after having texted mum on Wednesday to ask if she would like you to make (and buy for) tea on Friday.
If you have to go on Thursday, ask her if she wants you to bring anything specific for dinner.

Threads like this are so annoying.

Lots of people have asked perfectly reasonable questions.

OP doesn't want to know and picks up on a few not particularly relevant points raised, and doesn't clarify why they can't simply go for 2-3 days, in view of the very understandable position her BFs DM is in.

OP, many many of us have mental health issues. But sometimes that doesn't excuse simply immature brattish behaviour and the inability to see anything from an alternative perspective.

If I were you I would go there on Thursday as per the DMs agreement, take gifts for them, and behave like an adult.

he said he couldn't because he had to be at home to go Christmas shopping, clean his room for Christmas, wrap presents and help his mum in the run up.

Are you sure he's not 12?

At your age OP, I would have felt very sorry for myself and felt I had misplaced trust in people who had let me down, because they didn’t like me after all and so would have not attended at all to keep myself safe.

Now, 481 years on and a lot of reflection on Life In General later, I would realise that going for a couple of days, being pleasant, helpful but not the point of gushing, and a cheerful guest was something I could manage. And by doing that you could show that this relationship between you and their son is one they can feel really confident about. Look she is receptive, thoughtful and doesn’t easily get offended! They will think. Even though we made that blip over the length of her stay, or rather our son did, and she was so sensible about it! Plus she was great to have around at Christmas 2021. Look forward to see her again in the New Year. Keeper there, son.

That’s the bummer though, you need to be 481 years old (in my case) to get this sort of long term viewpoint. If only one could go back in time.

@Trixiethewhore

Threads like this are so annoying.

Lots of people have asked perfectly reasonable questions.

OP doesn't want to know and picks up on a few not particularly relevant points raised, and doesn't clarify why they can't simply go for 2-3 days, in view of the very understandable position her BFs DM is in.

OP, many many of us have mental health issues. But sometimes that doesn't excuse simply immature brattish behaviour and the inability to see anything from an alternative perspective.

If I were you I would go there on Thursday as per the DMs agreement, take gifts for them, and behave like an adult.

Great post. Hits the nail right on the head.

To be honest OP I think you're a bit stuck either way.
If you go your anxiety will be pretty tough and you'll likely be on edge thinking you weren't wanted.
If you dont go you may look a bit like you've spat your dummy out which may cause you more anxiety the next time you go.
All a bit awkward really. Personally I'd throw a big old curve ball and travel down on Friday not Thursday. I'd be really breezy about the whole thing and say it's a good idea of your partners mum for you not to turn up so early and its given you time to realise you should spend a bit more time with your mum/friends/postman/whoever so if it's ok you'll travel down christmas eve and just stay till boxing day morning. That way you'll spend less time in an awkward situation, things are more on your terms & the mum will be fine with you as you validated her thinking.
Oh and if you feel awkward making a cup of tea try popping your head round the living room door and asking if you can make anyone one too. I know it's hard, good luck!

You're being dramatic. Your mil gave sensible reasons, it isnt personal she is just busy and doesnt want a guest yet.

Say fine, and go on Thurs. Have a lovely Christmas

God you sound like an absolute wet lettuce.

I'm with his mum; she's already got two dependent lumps to work around this week and you need to be accompanied to the fridge.

She's hosting you for four days, has realised her limits and simply requested you delay your arrival.

@100problems

God you sound like an absolute wet lettuce.

I'm with his mum; she's already got two dependent lumps to work around this week and you need to be accompanied to the fridge.

She's hosting you for four days, has realised her limits and simply requested you delay your arrival.

This

I have to agree with some PPs that you sound quite immature and a bit self-absorbed. From your description of the conversation about spending Christmas with your boyfriend's family, it sounds as though you were fishing for an invitation. That may not have been your intention, but his mother may have felt put on the spot with your "I suppose I will if I'm invited." What else could she have said? "No, you're not"?

A week is a long time to entertain a guest, especially one who is uncomfortable in the house. I understand why your boyfriend's mother would prefer to limit your stay to 3 days or so. I have every sympathy for mental health issues, but I do think you ought to examine your role in this situation as well as your approach to the significant relationships in your life.

Why do you work in call centres if you have a degree already? That seems unusual. You mentioned that you will begin a new contract in January. Will you be working full time then?

Hi OP, I hope you're OK. In the grand scheme of things a difference of a few days over one particular Christmas doesn't really matter much. So I think try not to worry about the delay too much and chalk it up to a learning experience- the lesson being that you and your boyfriend need to start taking steps to become a lot more independent from your parents. Hopefully you can get a place together and start leading your adult lives, and when you do issues about how long his mum is happy to have you as a guest will really fade into the background. Use this as a wakeup call and work towards independence as your goal.

You keep coming back to your mental health, but have no understanding for other people’s mental health. Your bf mother obviously finds it stressful (and expensive) with an extra adult in her house for an entire week.

It stands out that you seem to not have an understanding for HER mental health. Only yours, and your bf.

Just a tip:
Nobody is going to have an issue with you helping yourself to Tea/soft drinks if you’re an overnight guest. If you put the kettle on offer everyone else a cuppa. It’s tiring having to ‘host’ let alone one that you feel you need to serve/offer food to who’s around your house regularly.

If you’re a regular guest, or one that’s essentially invited themselves and relying on good nature it’s important that your host is not out of pocket for you being there. Do you take your own towel/toiletries? Do you clear up after she’s made dinner? If the dishwasher is clean do you empty it? Do you offer to buy the family take out one night during the weekend? When you go to the shop do you ask if anything needs picking up? I’d definitely cut down your shower time to the bare minimum.

I think you’ve been fairly rude to invite yourself especially when you don’t feel comfortable enough make yourself a cup of tea. Your BF should have asked his mum when she’d be happy with you arriving/departing for Xmas and that’s when he could have politely mentioned that you were worried about the rules changing. God I’d hate it if someone in my home put pressure on me to do something when I was clearly not happy about it. But you can fix this by getting your BF to double check that Thursday is ok with her and that you understand that it’s a busy time if she’d prefer Friday. Remember she’s doing you both a favour by allowing him to live there for free and you to stay often/over Xmas.

The next issue here is that you both need to pull your finger out to step into the real world. I’ve never heard of an adult (who didn’t have caring responsibilities) to not work while studying- why can he not work at the weekends/evenings/holidays to pay his way. And, you’ve got a degree, in all respect you’re not going to get a job with a masters without any professional experience. Life is competitive and while some careers require a masters they also require real working experiences. My recommendation would to drop the masters idea until you’re able to comfortably work full time, then try to step into the field which you want to study in.

You need to get your own place and that should be the goal after living at home for so long. You both need to work full time and I’m sure you both can get minimum wage jobs - unfortunately not everyone can have their dream job and maybe you can work on something else in the evenings (open uni/online courses/work experience).

But after this essay I’ve just wrote, just remember that his mum is doing you a massive favour by letting you stay at all. She’s extremely generous and you should be thankful for her hospitality full stop.

@Foreverlodger

Just a tip: Nobody is going to have an issue with you helping yourself to Tea/soft drinks if you’re an overnight guest. If you put the kettle on offer everyone else a cuppa. It’s tiring having to ‘host’ let alone one that you feel you need to serve/offer food to who’s around your house regularly.

If you’re a regular guest, or one that’s essentially invited themselves and relying on good nature it’s important that your host is not out of pocket for you being there. Do you take your own towel/toiletries? Do you clear up after she’s made dinner? If the dishwasher is clean do you empty it? Do you offer to buy the family take out one night during the weekend? When you go to the shop do you ask if anything needs picking up? I’d definitely cut down your shower time to the bare minimum.

I think you’ve been fairly rude to invite yourself especially when you don’t feel comfortable enough make yourself a cup of tea. Your BF should have asked his mum when she’d be happy with you arriving/departing for Xmas and that’s when he could have politely mentioned that you were worried about the rules changing. God I’d hate it if someone in my home put pressure on me to do something when I was clearly not happy about it. But you can fix this by getting your BF to double check that Thursday is ok with her and that you understand that it’s a busy time if she’d prefer Friday. Remember she’s doing you both a favour by allowing him to live there for free and you to stay often/over Xmas.

The next issue here is that you both need to pull your finger out to step into the real world. I’ve never heard of an adult (who didn’t have caring responsibilities) to not work while studying- why can he not work at the weekends/evenings/holidays to pay his way. And, you’ve got a degree, in all respect you’re not going to get a job with a masters without any professional experience. Life is competitive and while some careers require a masters they also require real working experiences. My recommendation would to drop the masters idea until you’re able to comfortably work full time, then try to step into the field which you want to study in.

You need to get your own place and that should be the goal after living at home for so long. You both need to work full time and I’m sure you both can get minimum wage jobs - unfortunately not everyone can have their dream job and maybe you can work on something else in the evenings (open uni/online courses/work experience).

But after this essay I’ve just wrote, just remember that his mum is doing you a massive favour by letting you stay at all. She’s extremely generous and you should be thankful for her hospitality full stop.

Well written! 🙌🏻

@PinkStarAtNight

There's a lot I could reply to and I want to say thank you to all the people who contributed helpful advice, especially the ones who were sympathetic to mental health health. Offdutyfrom5 - could you suggest where I start if I'm looking for ocd therapy?

I do just want to say that I personally do not take 30 min showers! So many people have mentioned that as a thing I'm doing wrong in their house, because they have clearly misunderstood what I said...What I actually said was that his mum said we both take long showers but I didn't understand this because everyone in his house takes showers of 30 mins or more. I am never longer than 30 mins, in fact I'd say I'm probably a lot less. My point was that ALL OF THEM take at least 30 mins so I didn't understand her comment. If you can't read a post fully I don't think you should comment.

You can just google your borough followed by IAPT. e.g. Bromley IAPT. It’s NHS.

You might have to start with lower intensity/Guided Self Help if it’s the first time your accessing support but if your OCD is as you mention then you’ll get stepped up for High Intensity after 6 sessions. Just be honest with them about your intrusions. It’s a changed focused therapy so will involve a lot of between session tasks “homework.”

Good luck

I think a lot of people have been quite harsh, but yes I am taking it in and realising that I haven't been a great houseguest. I thought that not making myself a cup of tea was polite, not rude! This thread prompted me to have a conversation with my friends and from talking to them I'm realising that I've been doing things that I think are polite and respectful that are actually rude.

Just one example:
Making myself a cup of tea. I have been brought up to NEVER do anything in someone's house unless you are asked/offered. That includes making tea. I genuinely thought it was rude to get up and make yourself a cup of tea in someone else's house, because to quote my mum 'you don't want to walk around like its your house'. And as for offering them a cup of tea, in their own house, that's just even worse. Its like you're taking over their house and then offering them their own tea!
However after speaking to my friends and also my boyfriend it seems the above viewpoint is, to quote my friend, 'really fucked up babe'.
I also thought that staying in BF's room was keeping myself out of the way and therefore being respectful. I would be happy to help out and do chores but I don't have the confidence to just do it - what if I do it wrong? What if someone else has already vacuumed and I've now used the vacuum and electricity needlessly? What if they don't like the food I make? What if by offering to make dinner I'm implying that her food isn't good enough?

I need to be told what to do and invited to do things....I realise this is actually coming across as rude. I feel upset to think that all of these comments represent what my MIL must think of me. I didn't want to come across like this at all and I am thinking a lot about how I've been behaving and I think I need to change it. I just don't know how to do it because it all seems so hard.

I am now thinking that I need to send MIL a message. I have written out a draft but I don't want to send it because I'm not sure how it sounds. I'd appreciate thoughts/help?

This is what I've drafted:

"Hi MIL. I just wanted to say sorry for the confusion about when I was coming for Christmas. Me and BF talked about me coming on Monday...I ordered his presents late and they're arriving all this week at your house so I was thinking I could wrap them as they came in, and I was also thinking about covid and that it might be a good idea to test and then stay in at your house for the week, but I would never have planned to come on Monday if I had known you weren't happy with it. BF told me he had discussed it with you and you were totally fine with it and he had even said to me that you wanted us around to help out so I really thought you were happy with the plan. I've talked to BF tonight and he admitted that you had just 'shrugged' and moaned about it a bit and he took that as a yes....
I'm so sorry, if he had told me that I wouldn't have been coming yesterday! I'm sorry it caused an argument and I just wanted to let you know I wasn't trying to invite myself or impose on you or anything and I hope you're not offended. Is there anything you want me to bring on Thursday? Please also let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Leave us a list of jobs and we will do them! I know we never help much at Christmas and its really stressful...I tend to be too shy to just do things without being asked but I would like to help so please tell me whatever you want me to do'

Thoughts?

I am sorry op, but please do not send this. Don’t send anything. Just turn up on Thursday as planned, be happy and engage with everyone more.

@PinkStarAtNight

I think a lot of people have been quite harsh, but yes I am taking it in and realising that I haven't been a great houseguest. I thought that not making myself a cup of tea was polite, not rude! This thread prompted me to have a conversation with my friends and from talking to them I'm realising that I've been doing things that I think are polite and respectful that are actually rude.

Just one example:
Making myself a cup of tea. I have been brought up to NEVER do anything in someone's house unless you are asked/offered. That includes making tea. I genuinely thought it was rude to get up and make yourself a cup of tea in someone else's house, because to quote my mum 'you don't want to walk around like its your house'. And as for offering them a cup of tea, in their own house, that's just even worse. Its like you're taking over their house and then offering them their own tea!
However after speaking to my friends and also my boyfriend it seems the above viewpoint is, to quote my friend, 'really fucked up babe'.
I also thought that staying in BF's room was keeping myself out of the way and therefore being respectful. I would be happy to help out and do chores but I don't have the confidence to just do it - what if I do it wrong? What if someone else has already vacuumed and I've now used the vacuum and electricity needlessly? What if they don't like the food I make? What if by offering to make dinner I'm implying that her food isn't good enough?

I need to be told what to do and invited to do things....I realise this is actually coming across as rude. I feel upset to think that all of these comments represent what my MIL must think of me. I didn't want to come across like this at all and I am thinking a lot about how I've been behaving and I think I need to change it. I just don't know how to do it because it all seems so hard.

I am now thinking that I need to send MIL a message. I have written out a draft but I don't want to send it because I'm not sure how it sounds. I'd appreciate thoughts/help?

This is what I've drafted:

"Hi MIL. I just wanted to say sorry for the confusion about when I was coming for Christmas. Me and BF talked about me coming on Monday...I ordered his presents late and they're arriving all this week at your house so I was thinking I could wrap them as they came in, and I was also thinking about covid and that it might be a good idea to test and then stay in at your house for the week, but I would never have planned to come on Monday if I had known you weren't happy with it. BF told me he had discussed it with you and you were totally fine with it and he had even said to me that you wanted us around to help out so I really thought you were happy with the plan. I've talked to BF tonight and he admitted that you had just 'shrugged' and moaned about it a bit and he took that as a yes....
I'm so sorry, if he had told me that I wouldn't have been coming yesterday! I'm sorry it caused an argument and I just wanted to let you know I wasn't trying to invite myself or impose on you or anything and I hope you're not offended. Is there anything you want me to bring on Thursday? Please also let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Leave us a list of jobs and we will do them! I know we never help much at Christmas and its really stressful...I tend to be too shy to just do things without being asked but I would like to help so please tell me whatever you want me to do'

Thoughts?

I think there’s cultural differences at play here. I get where you’re coming from as in many non westernised cultures it’s the norm that if you’re in someone else’s home you have to wait to be waited on and you don’t treat it as your own home even if somewhere you go regularly and it’s people you’re close to. It’s seen as disrespectful to do otherwise so I can see why it would feel uncomfortable for you do treat it as your own home.

I wouldn’t send the above message, it’s a bit too guilt trippy and I think not wise to tell her your boyfriend said she moaned. Just say “BF let me know you’d prefer me to come Thursday, sorry for the confusion he’d previously told me to come round on Monday. Is there anything I can bring or do to help?”

You’ve been his partner for 3 years, been in their house for 3 years. This sounds like you are blaming your bf and if anything sort it out between yourselves, don’t involve his mother. You are meaning well, but just relax and follow @Foreverlodger ’s advice and you’ll be just fine!

Oh bless you. No don’t send that text it’s long winded and still sounds a bit like a dig. The last few sentences are very sweet though.

That message is way way too long. You need to be succint.
If you have to message her just say something along the lines of that you're looking forward to coming up on Thursday and ask if there's anything you can bring. When you get there ask her what can you do to help.

Really pleased you’re taking everyone on board and that you’ve spoken to friends about it. Your message to MIL is atop long and I’d take out the bit about her shrugging and moaning. I’m no psychologist but I think you have a tendency to overthink and then overdiscuss! How about:

Hi MIL, really looking forward to seeing you at the weekend, sorry about the confusion re arrival date! I’ve bought xyz to eat on Xmas day, but please let me know what else I can do / bring”.

See what her response is before offering further explanation. Could you take alcohol, or a nice tin of hot chocolate for you all, or posh crisps and dip type things? Good luck, hopefully you’ll have an ever better Christmas knowing that a little confidence is not rude!

You are over thinking the message to his Mum. She's said her piece and probably hasn't given it much thought since then.

Why not just just say something like 'looking forward to seeing you all on ARRIVAL DATE/Thursday, if you need me to bring anything, please let me know'. I just don't think a long message is necessary.

You can easily help out without overstepping any boundaries eg ask MIL what you can do to help eg set the table, clear up after dinner, wash up. Just volunteer you and your DB eg 'me and DB will wash the dishes and put them away). Don't forget, have a nice time and don't walk on egg shells.

I think it would be better to just say,

I am looking forward to seeing you and really appreciate you hosting me over Christmas. It's dawned on me that due to my own shyness and ignorance, I have not been a great houseguest in the past and I vow to do better going forward. It means the world to me that you welcome me into your home and particularly during a special family holiday. See you Thursday. XXX

@PinkStarAtNight

Each family is different but usually it works like this:

• if it’s the first time visiting somebody’s house and you’re only there for a couple of hours wait to be offered drinks/food.
• if you’re staying over at someone’s house for the first time a ‘do you mind if I make myself a cuppa’ will suffice and 99/100 times you’ll get a ‘oh of course you can.. make yourself at home/or awkward joke to break the ice about you starving if you wait to be served on’.
• as far as you ‘helping’ out around the house I’d stay away from say cleaning windows/vacuuming as most people would find that offensive that you think their house is dirty (unless you’re living their full time obviously).
• if you go to put anything in the bin and it’s full, empty it. Empty the dishwasher when it’s done. Clear the table/help do the dishes/clean the kitchen if someone else cooks is generally the done thing.
• pretty rude to just order you two a take away without at least offering. If you’ve been eating her food all weekend it’s generally a good thing to treat her to her meal.
• something like the house hosting xmas/bbq/party it’s generally ok just to muck in, offer to set the table, ask what needs to be done, if any food needs to be prepped, if she’s getting flustered that she needs to prepare the turkey/get the ugly vase out of the attic before Nan comes over/clear the dining room table offer to do something you think you can do and feel free to ask questions if you’re worried about getting it wrong.

As for your text while it’s coming from a good place it’s projecting how you’re feeling with the goal for her to feel sorry for you. If she’s stressed about Xmas the last thing she wants to do is worry about answering an essay of a text that need thought and emotion from her, or you don’t want her to snap for you to get the brunt of it.

If it was me I’d do something long the lines of:

Hi Jane,
Hope you’re looking forward to Christmas. I think there’s been some crossed wired between myself and Jack about me arriving today. I originally suggested coming today as I was worried about Boris changing the restrictions again but thankfully that’s looking unlikely. Jack said about me arriving on Thursday as understandably everyone is busy this week but I just wanted to make sure that’s ok with you as I don’t mind arriving Friday morning/afternoon with whatever works best for you. We were planning on giving you a hand this week but anything I can help you with on Friday please feel free to put a list together or if there’s anything you’d like me to pick up/bring with me.

I just want to say that I really appreciate you having me over for Xmas again and I’m really excited,

Pink Star xx