To tell them I'm not going for Christmas anymore?

[PinkStarAtNight]

Hi everyone,

I need advice on whether I should follow my instinct and do what I feel like doing in response to this, or whether I am overreacting and letting my emotions take over...

So, I always go to my partner's parents house for Christmas. We have been together nearly three years. He still lives at home and so do I. (We are 25 and 26 in case that's relevant.) Ever since we've been together I have always been to his house, usually a few days before Christmas day and stay until after boxing day, apart from last year when I only went for Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day due to covid.

So the plan was for me to go as usual this year. We are all double vaccinated and we agreed we would all do covid tests to make sure we were being safe. My partner said that his mum had told him she wanted us to be there in the run up to Christmas so we could help out. The two of us discussed when I should go over there and we agreed on Monday, as in today, so that I would have time to settle in, unpack etc and help out in the run up. I have also had to send all his presents to his house as I ordered late- they are arriving at his all this week and I was planning to wrap them in private as they arrived. Another reason was covid - we were thinking its best for me to do a test and then isolate there up until Christmas to make it safe, and if the government brought in restrictions around movement I would already be there; tested, negative and isolated and therefore covid safe.

I did ask my partner if it was definitely ok with his mum that I arrived on Monday, as it would mean me being there all week. He said he had told her and she was fine with it. So, today I spent the whole morning and early afternoon rushing around packing, getting ready, and going shopping for my food (I'm veggie so I'm taking my own vegan turkey and veggie starter to have xmas day). This afternoon my partner messaged me to say that his mum has asked could I go Thursday instead, because she has decided that an extra person in the house in the run up to Christmas is too much, as they only have one bathroom so that would be five of us in the house, and she is stressed with working all week and preparing for Christmas and she doesn't want us in the kitchen making food, making a mess and we both get long showers so it will be difficult. I don't quite understand these two comments because we don't cook a lot in her house, we mainly eat out or get takeaway and when we do cook we wash up. They ALL take very long showers, much longer than I do. The fact they have one bathroom is difficult a lot of the time - there's been many times I've been in his room bursting for a wee and not being able to get into the bathroom because one of his family have been having a 30 min shower. I'm never longer than that I don't think.

Anyway, I was very upset at the short notice - my suitcase is fully packed and I have a big bag filled with food and drinks to take over, I got up early and rushed to go shopping so that I could get back to finish my Christmas cake and make a pate, all in preparation to get there for this evening. My mum put off seeing her friends to give me a lift to the supermarket because I explained I needed to go today and I had fallen behind on things. So my mum is also upset that she could have seen her friends.

I am behind with things because my mental health has been especially bad these last few weeks, I have severe ocd. So I recognise I'm behind on plans and that's why I had to rush thinking I was going today. I was really looking forward to getting there and being with my partner because he always makes me feel better and helps with my anxiety and I miss him a lot, so I think I'm a lot more shaken up and upset because of that. However I did find it inconsiderate for her to go back on the plan at such short notice and even after he told her I had already packed. When I questioned him saying 'but you told me she'd said it was fine' his reply was 'well she did moan about it a bit and say it wasn't great, but she reluctantly agreed.' I'm very pissed off with him for that because I would never have planned to go today if I'd known she wasn't happy with it. BUT I also think she shouldn't have agreed reluctantly only to go back on it on the day.

When I got the message I just broke down in tears. Dramatic I know but as I said I've been really struggling mentally and the only way I managed to go shopping and pack everything was thinking about seeing my partner, then to be told that I'm not welcome until Thursday because basically his mum doesn't want me around because I apparently make a mess and have long showers! Also the short notice is really upsetting, like she has a lack of consideration for me and my mum.

The other thing is that his mum has a history of doing this. Last summer she kept yo yoing between saying that I could go and see my partner and he could come see me, to suddenly always at the last minute say I couldn't go or he couldn't come see me because of covid. There was one time that her and her partner had a friend over to stay, and they had drinks and takeaway, and very shortly after that she said I couldn't go over there because the cases had gone up. I wouldn't mind so much if she just stuck to her decisions instead of changing at the last minute all the time. Last year she said I could go over to see my partner for his birthday. Then at the last minute she said I would have to stay outside in the garden (it was really cold!) then felt guilty and said I could go in as long as I stayed at the table and didn't use the loo...she's very changeable and goes back on things at short notice a lot. My partner says its because she gets stressed about things. I suppose I understand that, I have severe anxiety myself! But I would never inconvenience someone or do something unfair because of it.

When I told my mum about this she said she wouldn't be surprised if on Thursday my partner's mum changes her mind again. After all we still don't know what the government will say and what restrictions will be put in place. I don't want to unpack everything today, and then pack everything up again for Thursday only for her to again say at the last minute that I can't go at all. With my mental health it really doesn't help having constant changes and feeling like I'm on an emotional rollacoaster. I also feel a bit offended and upset about the things she said and the idea that I'm clearly not seen as part of the family so she doesn't want me around. And I'm in disbelief of how she could cancel at the last minute. Its almost unbelievable that anyone would do that and I can't help a tiny niggling thought that maybe my partner is the one who doesn't want me around so he's made all of this up. He has said before that he sometimes struggles to deal with my anxiety so I'm half thinking maybe he just doesn't want me there. I know that sounds a bit crazy and I know that my anxiety does make me paranoid about things sometimes...I just don't know what to think and I'm feeling very upset about all of it.

Anyway, sorry this was so long! My question is...WIBU to just politely say that I won't bother going for Christmas because I can't deal with the possibility that I might unpack and pack again only to be told I can't go on Thursday and also don't feel like going and having a happy Christmas now anyway? My mum doesn't celebrate Christmas and I've got no other family to spend it with so it will mean having a very low key and lonely Christmas by myself - but is that better than being messed around and being on a rollacoaster of expectation and disappointment? I'm not even sure if I can manage to go over there and sit eating Christmas dinner with someone who didn't want me there a few days in advance, like she wants to minimise the time I'm there. I also feel like my partner should learn to communicate better (i.e telling me his mum had agreed reluctantly) and his mum should learn not to mess people around. However I don't know whether this is too petty and I'm massively overreacting/letting my anxiety make everything seem worse...also if I don't go this year am I ruining it for all future years? But then again at this moment in time I honestly feel like saying I'm never going there again. Basically I'm still very upset and wound up so I'm looking for honest, balanced advice from people. How would you feel in this situation/what would you do?

Thank you to all who read this far, sorry it was a bit of a rant!

I only got half way through the OP before losing the will to live, but I have to say @PinkStarAtNight you do sound very immature, and I do wonder (like some others) if you actually have a job. (Maybe you've said, and it's lost in all the whittering.)

And you say 'we have been together 3 years, but actually, no it's 4!' You sure it's not 5, or 2???

I agree with other posters, you both need to grow up. Although you are not nearly 30 as one poster said. 25 and 26 is not nearly 30! If a child was 5, you wouldn't describe them as nearly 10!

What is he studying for, if he’s excused by you and gis mother not being able to work because of his mh?

There's a lot of me, me, me here OP. Sounds to me like you have too much time on your hands to naval gaze rather than actually getting on with your life independently. You and your bf sound very immature and needy. Time to grow up and stand on your own two feet.
The poor bf's mum!

I appreciate your mental health issues and you need some proper help on that front.

But the reliance on so many other people really doesn't give you a chance at learning self reliance. This is probably the biggest issue and I'd just stop worrying about everyone else filling in their roles as your support and start looking at how you can start to be more robust in your own circle of influence. Because if you rely on so many other people, they are going to let you down.

@LittleRoundRobin

I only got half way through the OP before losing the will to live, but I have to say *@PinkStarAtNight* you do sound very immature, and I do wonder (like some others) if you actually have a job. (Maybe you've said, and it's lost in all the whittering.)

And you say 'we have been together 3 years, but actually, no it's 4!' You sure it's not 5, or 2???

I agree with other posters, you both need to grow up. Although you are not nearly 30 as one poster said. 25 and 26 is not nearly 30! If a child was 5, you wouldn't describe them as nearly 10!

Yeah I know, I meant he will soon be the age of 30 like his older brother, and don’t even have a bank card. This is where op’s bf is heading unfortunately. I was being unclear.

YABU to enter into any of this drama.

25 and 26 are adult ages. You're not teenagers, so you need to stop acting like them.

I'd also love to know what anyone at all does in the shower that takes 30 minutes. Even a shower wank should only take minutes.

I would bin off the whole thing and spend the next two weeks making a plan on how you're going to move forward with your life.

Lots of people struggle with mental health.

Health
Education
Job
House

Set yourself goals and plan what steps you're going to take in the new year to achieve them. You and your boyfriend are dragging eachother down. It seems 'normal' because you're both behaving the same way. Life is for living.

@ChangeChingyChange

25/26 both live at home with unlimited free time? Get jobs, move out and start your own lives. Jeeeeez.

This

Why doesn’t your boyfriend just come to yours?

I think you need to rent your own flat with your boyfriend.

The op has a job for anyone who is too lazy to read her posts.

personally i wouldnt go myself , not so much in light of the fact shes now changed it , but the fact that now you feel a bit unwanted there and you say you feel uncomfortable anyway and like shes watching you all the time , id hate that feelling , personally its a bit odd that hes mid twenties and not working , i realise hes got issues hes working through , but if your hoping to get a place at some point hes going to need to be full time working even for renting

i do symptathise as its hard when you have planned for something to have it change , but it might not be a bad thing to use this time to evaluate things . he could come and spend the time with you and if hes rather not again that speaks volumes in itself

@MakkaPakkas

I think you need to rent your own flat with your boyfriend.

Yes, but clearly not one that is bringing her any fulfilment or getting out of this rut she's in.

Sorry, replied to the wrong post.

@PinkStarAtNight Some of the people posting have experience with mental health issues. I have anxiety and when I was younger I was lucky that the only people I alienated by overstaying my welcome were my boyfriend's housemates.

Sometimes anxiety can be so overwhelming that you can't see outside of it. And when you're suffering sometimes it seems like everyone else is stronger and more capable than you but people like your partner's mother feel stress and struggle too and having other adults in the house that don't help can make that more difficult.

The problem here is your partner, he didn't clear your visit with her properly and then had to take back the invitation he shouldn't have made. You should go for Christmas, you are welcome but not indefinitely, people like to have space for themselves.

@Wheresmywoolyjumpers

I don't actually think bfs mum is being rude, I think he pressured her and she has now put her foot down. So the issue with the invitation is not her, but your bf. It is hard when you both live at home, and unlike a lot of people on here, I can see why it is hard to just move out. But I think not going at all would be really sad for you. I don't think this is really about you at all, so would not take it to heart - the issue is that she is a bit fed up with her son and you are in the way.

I think this is exactly it.

Could your BF come down and stay with you until thurs if seeing him is what you were really looking forward to, then go back to his together?

Don’t refuse to go, that will make everyone miserable including you.

I reckon your boyfriend didn’t ask and just assumed his mum would be ok with it.

But - I’d be upset too. I’m going to my parents for a few days from the 23rd and therefore don’t have any shopping in, don’t have a proper tree up etc. If I suddenly couldn’t go - I’d be gutted. Am also assuming you’d made your travel plans, got a ticket etc. So it is a bit shit - but get the feeling this is a DP problem.

Also do take note of what people are saying about you getting your own drinks etc. The best guests are those who make themselves at home.

@maryzx

YABU to enter into any of this drama.

25 and 26 are adult ages. You're not teenagers, so you need to stop acting like them.

I'd also love to know what anyone at all does in the shower that takes 30 minutes. Even a shower wank should only take minutes.

I wondered about the shower thing too and the shower wank duration also occupied a bit of my brain. I have often wondered how people spend so long in there. I have short hair and even if I soap myself all over 2x ,wash and condition my hair and use a different face wash I can't make it last more than 10 minutes . Apart from anything else once I've woken up under the lovely flow of water I want to get out and get on with the day

How far away do they live?

Why is it such a big issue to just go on Thursday? That's still 2 days before Christmas.

It's quite an imposition to want to stay for a week in someone's home where their own adult child doesn't pay to stay there, in a small house with 1 bathroom.

We only have 1 bathroom and I can't stand having guests for more than 2 nights.

@PinkStarAtNight
A lot of these responses seem to gloss over your mental health issues which is really hard to read so dread to think how they have made you feel. Aibu is probably the wrong forum for you to ask this.

Take some time out and look after yourself, there is some good advice here about deciding what you want to do.

No matter what his mother may have said, a week is too long to stay at someone else’s house except under special circumstances and with special people. Anything beyond three days is too much.

His mother probably meant well then got anxious and changed her mind.

I wouldn’t make any rash decisions. You could absolutely ruin it for future holidays.

I think you are anxious and were depending on a certain schedule of activities and now have had that pulled from under you. Anxious people overthink and you are overthinking here. But the long and short of it is, you are disappointed but the mum hasnt really done anything wrong. If you had a bit of money, I'd suggest you and DP spending Mon to Thurs in a reasonably priced hotel and having a lovely time wihtout his mum having to trip over either of you. If you can't afford that, would your DP go to yours for the few days? You will get there Thurs, so hang in there and do some nice things for yourself in the meantime. Make a plan to get to Thursday and you won't feel so angry and upset.

1. 7+ days is far too long for house guests, especially as it sounds like you don’t contribute much to helping out (like getting up and making a round of brews for everyone)

1. 7 days is also far too long unless you live hundreds of miles apart.

1. 30 minutes is a LONG shower. Far too long in someone elses house caning their water and power.

1. Your MIL sounds like a control freak, raising two wet blanket sons. You need to get him out of there asap. That said, I have total sympathy with her in this situation.

1. If you think for as long and in as much detail as you write, I’m not surprised you’re so anxious. Overthinking / overtalking will not help you.

1. Go on Thursday, try and put a bit more oomph into things, be more helpful and less scared. It must be hard work for everyone, including you, to be tiptoeing around feeling worried.

OP - I don't doubt your mental health issues are real. However, this man is not going to be a good long term partner for someone with your issues. You need someone who has their ahit together who can support you (emotionally as much as practically) when you are low and help you get back up. Not someone who needs to be looked after.

Your DPs mother is working, and looking after 2 sons who are adults but unable to function as adults. You clearly need to be "hosted" when there, so another person to be looked after. Its too much to ask and it should have occurred to you that its a massive ask. Being invited for Christmas usually means 24th-26th. Not a week before.

If your boyfriend isn't working and you aren't working until January, why can't he come and stay with you until Thursday/Friday and then both travel to his mums together?

I would guess that the issue here is with your BF rather than his mother and that he has misrepresented things to you and that the invitation to join his family from Monday came from him rather than his parents. His mother has now been clear to him that she doesn't want to have extra visitors in the house for the whole week (which is fair) and he is now having to backtrack his original message to you .