I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

[Longcovid21]

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

@TinyTear

I am betting this is a golden brother... the cool uncle...

That was my first thought too. Younger sibling, golden child, never asked to lift a finger growing up, still think the world owes them a living and eternal gratitude for merely existing, believe the world revolves around them and their wit ...

Not that I' m projecting or anything

@beenthereboughtthetshirt

you have wasted our time with this thread

Or she has massively mis-represented the situation for sympathy.

Some people love being a martyr. I don’t get it at all.

You don’t see men acting like this do you?

This situation will never change while you keep enabling it.

Life is complex. It’s often productive to ‘show backbone and walk out’ - but that’s not always appropriate. I’m not encouraging OP - or any woman, to martyr herself, but there’s a time and a place to take action about this clearly difficult situation, and OP may decide, as she is free to do, that here and now is not the time and place.

If OP was my friend, I’d advise and support - not set down my view and judge and flounce if she didn’t take my advice.

I want to hear brother’s version. “I haven’t yet finished work for the Christmas holidays and yet my overbearing sister has decided to descend PLUS kids for an entire week and has the hall to start complaining that I haven’t laid on a Disney production with full catering, as if I am some kind of £600/ night boutique hotel. If she wants Soho farmhouse, why hasn’t she gone there? I am tearing my heat out trying to meet year end and she’s bitching about the catering arrangements for next weekend already”?

@phishy yes and all this does is support a bad situation.

@Longcovid21 you have let yourself down you are not helping the situation. its a waste of our time too

*gall
** hair

Go home. I'm sure your parents will understand. Sounds awful.

@AD80

Go home. I'm sure your parents will understand. Sounds awful.

She's not going home, she's going to don her halo and become Florence Nightingale.

Well done for just gritting your teeth staying. I’m sure your kids and brother appreciate it. Hope you all have a good Christmas and you don’t spend the whole time cleaning.

Don’t do the cleaning beyond what you can’t bear

If the children are happy, stay there

Your veg box and the fairly lights sound good

Just try not to be the martyr who does all the work!

Seriously, what sounds awful? There’s clutter on the kitchen table, an adult who lives alone hasn’t covered the place in tinsel and paper chains and doesn’t yet have food in for next weekend. 🤷‍♀️

If the kids are enjoying it I wouldn’t be bothered. If they don’t mind mess and no decorations then fine. Don’t bother to do them. I would ask what relative is planning for food. If they haven’t made plans I would get some food in for my and my kids (no more expensive than being at home) but not Christmas food - just something simple. Relative can sort themselves out.

Op, is he a well person? Or does he have health problems?

Since when is a messy kitchen table indicative of mental health problems? For all we know he could be running a hedge fund and keeps his post on the kitchen table before it’s filed (like any normal person, ahem)

What is the point of this thread then?

To ask advice probably. And to take any advice that sat well with her even so she could get through the next few days.

@AtillatheHun

Since when is a messy kitchen table indicative of mental health problems? For all we know he could be running a hedge fund and keeps his post on the kitchen table before it’s filed (like any normal person, ahem)

Since when does asking of a person is well automatically mean are they in good mental health?

It might be half your property legally but if it’s your brother’s full-time home he has the right to live the way he wants. And if he’s letting you stay there for Christmas he doesn’t also have to arrange his home the way you expect. That’s up to you to do - if he’s happy to let you. Without knowing the full details of the arrangements re the house it’s hard to say who’s BU.

@Staffy1

Well done for just gritting your teeth staying. I’m sure your kids and brother appreciate it. Hope you all have a good Christmas and you don’t spend the whole time cleaning.

Absolutely. Be a good girl and suck it up. I’m sure everyone will be hugely grateful

@CariadWelshcake - “Sounds like they have poor executive functioning skills 😔 Does your relative have a diagnosis of any mental health issues/difficulties?”
Seriously- how do you read that into a messy kitchen table and no paper chains??

Why the hell are you cleaning? More fool you if you source and cook Christmas Dinner. I'd make do and have an extra Christmas for the kids back at home.

@Coronawireless

It might be half your property legally but if it’s your brother’s full-time home he has the right to live the way he wants. And if he’s letting you stay there for Christmas he doesn’t also have to arrange his home the way you expect. That’s up to you to do - if he’s happy to let you. Without knowing the full details of the arrangements re the house it’s hard to say who’s BU.

He should be paying OP rent for half the property. And I bet he isn't.

What was the actual point of posting OP...so you could prove what a martyr you are?

The only single post that advised you to stay and 'be a good little woman' was the one you agreed with and acted upon 🤦‍♀️ ffs!!

It's Monday...Christmas isn't until Saturday...you've got SO MUCH TIME to take your kids back home and organise yourself...yet you choose to stay in a shithole and 'be kind' 🤷‍♀️

Stop wasting our time!

Years back we arrived at my gran's (300 miles away) on Christmas eve as always to find that she had done nothing for us arriving. She normally had "John the painter" come round and hang her decorations and had all the shopping done etc.
I think dm was horrified, but as a child I didn't notice that, we were all primary aged, and she organised us into a "isn't this fun, we can get ready for Christmas again" party and we thought it was very exciting while doing a lot of cleaning, decorating etc. Personally I thought the parents had planned it.
Only as an adult I can realise how horrific it must have been-Gran hadn't got any food in beyond fish fingers either, so they had to rush to the shops and get what they could at about 5pm on Christmas eve after a long journey.

It was the first sign of gran's dementia, unfortunately.