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AIBU?

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Original poster

I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

278 replies

Longcovid21 · 20/12/2021 13:38

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

OP posts:
Lunde · 20/12/2021 15:11

Go home and order take out - really if they don't "feel like it" why should you? Do you really want to be their house elf this Christmas.

Would it really be harder just you and the kids? Currently you have a whole house full that you are expected to shop, cook and clean for

If you are really determined to stay and martyr yourself put huge boundaries in place. You are not the host so they need to do most of the prep

Scandisaurus · 20/12/2021 15:12

Is it your brother, who spends more time on the playstation than to be bothered to throw away rotten food before his sister comes over?

DappyApple · 20/12/2021 15:12

@Akire

Call their bluff sit on your backside, let your parents come on Xmas day and looked baffled at lack of food or hospitality. It’s the only way to do it. If you do it once you be expected to do it again and again.
The op said parents had booked air bnb for the day after Boxing Day. So am assuming they won’t be there for Christmas Day.
middleager · 20/12/2021 15:13

Bloody hell. Go home! Don't be a martyr.
They didn't care about you, so turn around now!

PlanktonsComputerWife · 20/12/2021 15:13

I would leave the bombsite as it was, just make sure the kids had clean bedding.

Ordering a takeaway for Christmas Day would be a good shout.

You can cook Christmas stuff once you get home. The kids won't care. Actually, the Christmas we had pizza growing up was the Best Ever.

NoSquirrels · 20/12/2021 15:15

When you say ‘property upkeep’ what exactly do you mean?

Is it maintenance that needs doing - gutters, repairs etc?

It just general cleanliness?

As a joint owner you need to contribute to repairs and maintenance so you discuss together and sort together.

If it’s day to day cleanliness then it’s not your place to comment, unless it impacts maintenance and the property being in good repair.

Sparkletastic · 20/12/2021 15:16

Draw of list of tasks. Divide between yourself and family member. Ultimatum that if list not completed by end of tomorrow then you and DCs leave following day. DCs to help too. If you do leave early DCs will have had two-day visit so won't be deprived.

Force sale of property

MargotMoon · 20/12/2021 15:18

But it's only Monday and Christmas isn't til Saturday? You've got loads of time to make a decision, it's not as if you have to pack the kids up and clear off straight away.

Then talk to your relative and let them know how you feel. They've got a couple of days to clear up and do some Xmas shopping but if they don't you can still drive home on Thursday which gives the DC fair warning as well.

The house maintenance is a bigger issue which can't be tackled at Christmas time, it's too emotive

YourHandInMyHand · 20/12/2021 15:19

If you part own this house is there a reason YOU and your kids aren't living there enjoying all the lovely open space rather than your relative who can't even keep the place clean and free from rotting food?

As for Xmas, I'd be going home tomorrow and having Xmas at home. Stay tonight. Tell relative to get you all a takeaway for tea. Then head home tomorrow after breakfast.

I'd be explaining to my kids why we were returning home. That I'd been invited as a guest which would have been a nice and much needed break for you but instead you would have been cook, cleaner and housekeeper, and that that's not a nice way to treat someone. Show them it's unacceptable, otherwise you are showing them that this is an acceptable way to treat people.

duvetdayforeveryone · 20/12/2021 15:20

Sounds like they have poor executive functioning skills 😔 Does your relative have a diagnosis of any mental health issues/difficulties?

steppemum · 20/12/2021 15:20

I would stay 48 hours for the kids ot have a nice time, and then go home for Christmas. But I suspect you won't. So plan B...

Does the relative have any money?

So I would be booking a cleaning company if you can get one for this week.
Phone everyone until you find something.
make relative pay.

Then head to somewhere like M&S where you can get everything oven ready, and buy everything you need and again, make relative pay.

You have 5 days before Christmas, whether or not you put up decorations is up to you. But presumably you will need something to put presents under, so a bunch of tinsel round a house plant at least.

At some point in next week, you need to have a conversation with them around upkeep.

ShinyballsAndChocolateTinsel · 20/12/2021 15:22

Don't do anything in the house, it may be disgusting to how you choose to live but it's their choice and everyone else seems happy
You accepted the offer knowing this, so you should have either booked a B&B or declined
I think a good guest would offer to help with buying /cooking the food though, who's paying for the food for the next five days? It's a long time to host three extra people

WutheringHeights66 · 20/12/2021 15:24

I suspect useless sibling that has invited you early so that you can pick up all the slack.

I wouldn't stay and clean either. I'd leave them to it on Chistmas Eve afternoon and go home.

Bunce1 · 20/12/2021 15:25

op come back.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2021 15:28

She's too busy 'angry cleaning' the house no-one asked her to clean.

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 15:29

You are in someone's home, remember that. (being a part owner means nothing either... a landlord cant enter a home and start doing these things).

If you don't like it your choice is to leave but it's straight-up rude to slag off their home and lifestyle and start 'tidying' and 'throwing away' and 'redecorating' stuff... you're a guest, time to get back in your lane.

There was literally just a thread on how to deal with family members who show up and take over like this and it turns out most never get invited back by anyone for their rudeness.

Original poster
Longcovid21 · 20/12/2021 15:33

Yes it's my brother. It was my parents home so I feel a lot of love and attachment to it. So yes I've been for a walk with the dogs. Had a chat to myself and then I've been angry cleaning. Thrown out 5 bags of rubbish so far. Lit the fire and put up fairy lights. Lit some incense sticks and have ordered a veg box for Xmas eve. Brother eats meat so he can sort that bit out.

OP posts:
Scandisaurus · 20/12/2021 15:34

it's straight-up rude to slag off their home

Filth and rotten food though? It’s just pure laziness and it’s revolting.

Squeezita · 20/12/2021 15:34

Don't cook for him!

Squeezita · 20/12/2021 15:35

@mam0918

You are in someone's home, remember that. (being a part owner means nothing either... a landlord cant enter a home and start doing these things).

If you don't like it your choice is to leave but it's straight-up rude to slag off their home and lifestyle and start 'tidying' and 'throwing away' and 'redecorating' stuff... you're a guest, time to get back in your lane.

There was literally just a thread on how to deal with family members who show up and take over like this and it turns out most never get invited back by anyone for their rudeness.

If you couldn't be bothered to read the OP, why didn't you at least read the thread title.

She was INVITED.

StoneofDestiny · 20/12/2021 15:36

Sounds miserable - basically you have been invited to be a cleaner and cook. I'd leave.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 20/12/2021 15:36

How do your parents feel about the state it's in now? If I handed over what had been our family home to a relative and saw it descend into squalor, I'd be extremely upset.

Is it actually safe to stay in for you and the children? I am very, very far from a domestic goddess, but draw the line at filth and rotting food.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 20/12/2021 15:37

Can't believe you're cleaning for him! Tell him to get his wallet out and hire some cleaners.

Nickwinkle · 20/12/2021 15:37

I kinda feel like there's more to this.

Does the relative in question live alone and could it be that they've been struggling and them asking you to come around was a cry for help?

Obviously don't know the situation and the history with said family member so I can't judge but have you tried speaking with them to find out why the house is such a shithole?

Have they always been like this or was it a surprise which is why you're so raged?

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 20/12/2021 15:38

I am also part owner of this house (long story) so to see the state of it and how uncared for the relative has left it makes me so sad and makes me want to spend my whole Xmas cleaning, like fucking cindarella

has it occurred to you that this is the trap they have deliberately laid for you...?

do not fall into it. leave it. you may part own the house but you do not own any of the mess.

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