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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

278 replies

Longcovid21 · 20/12/2021 13:38

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

OP posts:
NutellaEllaElla · 20/12/2021 15:41

@RoomOfRequirement

Staying is the exact definition of martyr. You don't need to. Go home and have the Christmas YOU want.
This
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/12/2021 15:44

@toomuchlaundry

If you are part owner what do you contribute to the house re bills/maintenance etc?
Lol. I wonder how much op’s brother pays in rent to her.
Bunce1 · 20/12/2021 15:44

I’m glad you’ve gone for a walk and cleared your head a bit.

Are your parents coming over?

NY resolution-force the sale Wink

PizzaCrust · 20/12/2021 15:45

@mam0918

You are in someone's home, remember that. (being a part owner means nothing either... a landlord cant enter a home and start doing these things).

If you don't like it your choice is to leave but it's straight-up rude to slag off their home and lifestyle and start 'tidying' and 'throwing away' and 'redecorating' stuff... you're a guest, time to get back in your lane.

There was literally just a thread on how to deal with family members who show up and take over like this and it turns out most never get invited back by anyone for their rudeness.

There’s a huge difference between slagging someone’s decor tastes and being annoyed you have to spend the next few days cleaning caked on dirt, grime, grease, old food etc.

IMO filth is non negotiable. You can’t have kids in a house with rotting food lying about. At best it’s disgusting, at worse it’s just waiting for food poisoning/sickness to happen.

If it was just untidy it wouldn’t matter. But it’s absolutely rank. Are you actually proposing they eat their Christmas around rotting and stinking food? How would OP even cook the dinner if there’s no clean surfaces to prep on or utensils to use?

storminateacupagain · 20/12/2021 15:45

It's not that you can't go home - it's you won't go home.
Resentment will fester and Xmas will be ruined for you
Go home - let your DP's sort out his mess if you are ot inviting them back with you.
It's not too late to save your Christmas but you need to act now

AtillatheHun · 20/12/2021 15:46

My kitchen table has clutter on it. I keep veg ends and coffee grounds in a pan before they go on the compost. The alternative scenario here is of course that uptight sister has descended for an over long visit and is running her fingers over the surfaces and tutting in a judgemental manner.

RuggerHug · 20/12/2021 15:46

OP take photos of the state it's in aswell, you may need these if your parents decide you were being dramatic or he just let it get a bit messy.

BobbieT1999 · 20/12/2021 15:46

I agree you leave (children will get over it).

If you take on the prep work you're making a rod for your own back, nothing will change while you continue to do it all.

If you stay, you need to go on strike.

FiddlefigOnTheRoof · 20/12/2021 15:47

Op, maybe it might help to reframe this in your mind. Yes it’s unnecessary, frustrating and insulting to expect you to act as some sort of domestic superhousekeepr when you just want to enjoy Xmas.

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can.

EishetChayil · 20/12/2021 15:48

Don't be such a martyr. Pathetic.

EishetChayil · 20/12/2021 15:48

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

Op, maybe it might help to reframe this in your mind. Yes it’s unnecessary, frustrating and insulting to expect you to act as some sort of domestic superhousekeepr when you just want to enjoy Xmas.

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can.

Terrible advice!

candycane222 · 20/12/2021 15:49

Perhaps you can tell us why you are choosing to do his cleaning for him?

RedToothBrush · 20/12/2021 15:49

It might be time to say that the house needs to go up for sale as you need your share now...

...otherwise he can get off his fat arse and keep the house properly so you don't lose any more money.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/12/2021 15:50

How long have you joint owned this house op? I also think you should force a sale. As you’re not charging rent (at least I presume not) your brother could potentially lay claim to your half after 10-12 years of sold occupation.

I also hope the house is not a joint tenancy. If it is, when you die your half automatically goes to him regardless of the details in your will. If it is, this is simple to change. Wording online can be found to draft a letter informing him you’re severing the joint tenancy.

NB If you start charging rent now, you then create an AST and even if he doesn’t pay, you still need to get him out and would need 4 months of arrears then a court order to do so.

Your brother so doesn’t give a shit about you unless it benefits him.

Original poster
Longcovid21 · 20/12/2021 15:51

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can
^^

Thank you. This is what I will try to do.

OP posts:
starfishofbethlehem · 20/12/2021 15:52

Well this is mumsnet so I am aware that everyone lives in show homes and that your shit hole might be someone else's "lived in" but if you don't like it then go home!

Shedmistress · 20/12/2021 15:53

I'd have walked straight back out again.

Unless you are the family skivvy of course.

In which case, smile and do it all [yet again].

JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 20/12/2021 15:53

Do you have welcome written on your forehead?

Don't be a doormat. Tell him to sort it out, tell your parents how you find it and that you aren't prepared by skivvy for him before Christmas. Tell them if he doesn't sort things out you are going home, you will contribute but you are not his maid.

phishy · 20/12/2021 15:53

@Longcovid21

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can ^^

Thank you. This is what I will try to do.

What is the point of this thread then?
starfishofbethlehem · 20/12/2021 15:54

@AtillatheHun

My kitchen table has clutter on it. I keep veg ends and coffee grounds in a pan before they go on the compost. The alternative scenario here is of course that uptight sister has descended for an over long visit and is running her fingers over the surfaces and tutting in a judgemental manner.
This exactly.
Mummyoflittledragon · 20/12/2021 15:54

@Longcovid21

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can ^^

Thank you. This is what I will try to do.

And this is the piece of advice you choose to take.
JesusMaryAndJosephAndTheWeeDon · 20/12/2021 15:54

@FiddlefigOnTheRoof

Op, maybe it might help to reframe this in your mind. Yes it’s unnecessary, frustrating and insulting to expect you to act as some sort of domestic superhousekeepr when you just want to enjoy Xmas.

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can.

And find yourself in the same position every single time there is family event.

Put your foot down or it will never improve.

Murdoch1949 · 20/12/2021 15:56

She's obviously not going to go home, no matter she should, this situation hasn't happened overnight, it's probably always been like this, maybe is worse this year. Just do nothing. Let her shop and cook. You play with the kids then as soon as you can swoop off home and do another Christmas. Don't accept an invite next year and sort out the house ownership with agreed rules.

Pbbananabagel · 20/12/2021 15:56

I feel like your brother is basically uncle buck and you’re stuck in a hallmark movie, beware of handsome but initially off putting men bumping into you on your dog walk or you’ll be married by Boxing Day Grin

Sorry I missed the point here right?

beenthereboughtthetshirt · 20/12/2021 15:57

you have wasted our time with this thread

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