I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

[Longcovid21]

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

Divide and conquer. You’ve done a lot already. Give your brother 3 jobs a day to do, 1 x morning, 1 x lunchtime, 1 x late afternoon.Give one at a time— he sounds like a “ that’s too much, I’ll just sit down for half an hour….” Type of man if you give him all 3 at once.
After Xmas have strong words with him, it’s half your house and you don’t expect to see it looking in that state ever again.

Sounds like they have poor executive functioning skills

I've often suspected this. He doesn't have a mental illness and he's Mr extrovert but something is off.

For those saying I'm wasting their time. You don't have to read my thread.

For those that have offered advice (even if I haven't yet taken it) you have calmed me down a lot.

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Go home. Invite your parents to yours, if you want. But tell them what you found and just go home!

This

What does he do for money, could he afford a cleaner going forward?

But in a way, if you choose to stay, this is an act of love for your brother and parents and your kids. Do the minimum, but when you’re doing it, feel all Florence Nightingaley and halo-polished, rather than cross and bitter. Rant to us, bitch good humouredly to them and your parents, then enjoy yourself as much as you can.

Oh, honestly.

Feel all halo polished?. Does anyone else here get off on bring a martyr? Because I prefer respect, self respect and functionality.

Thing is the kids love it here. They don't see the mess and hassle, just big open spaces and a PlayStation. They also love the relative who is larger than life and full of fun but otherwise domestically hopeless.

I was going to say go home until I read that your kids love it there and aren’t aware of the state of it.

Honestly, just try and let it go for their sake. It’s hard but at least they’ll be entertained whilst you are cooking. I wouldn’t bother doing too much cleaning either as it’s not fair seeing as it’s not your mess. I would be asking them to clear the table whilst you cook.

Clean to a low standard and order Dominoes on Xmas day, the kids will love it and fuck lazy twat brother. Families can really suck balls at Xmas.

Just wanted to say you're a saint and give you a big thumbs up. Family are crap at times but the kids sound like they are loving the space and the hecticness of the place.

I'd also want to scream. But in the end it's family. And we have to try and if it's not at Christmas, then when....

Good luck with it all. A voice of support and encouragement over here and think you'll feel exhausted but happy (in a saintly way!) by the end of it that you tried and did your best.

he sounds like a “ that’s too much, I’ll just sit down for half an hour….” Type of man if you give him all 3 at once.

I agree.
My family member is a hoarder and lives in filth but they find it too overwhelming to deal with so it becomes a viscous cycle.

There’s no point moaning to them about the state of it or anything, just say can you do X whilst I do Y. Then later on ask something.

Try and relax as much as you can, this is your Xmas too and you don’t want to spend it cleaning!

I would definitely get your brother and kids on board for some competitive tidying and cleaning.

I would also be telling DB you are too knackered to cook after cleaning his shit up so he needs to order take away for you all or cook.

[quote Longcovid21]@Bunce1 exactly. I'm a single parent and I would think going home with 2 bickering dc s to manage alone all Xmas would be an equal gamble. Can anyone with experience of property law tell me how I put in place boundaries with regard to the upkeep?[/quote]
I’m a single parent
Two children primary

It’s wonderful! Yes they bicker but that’s siblings

No stress, no pissed off with partner, just me and children… bliss.

Highly recommend!

Can’t ever imagine dragging my children long distance to spend Christmas with a relative I “have history with”

And not just one night… more than a week

@beenthereboughtthetshirt

you have wasted our time with this thread

No-one was forced to read or respond.

And to be fair, isn't that the point of Mumsnet?

Omg go home.

@dotsandco

What was the actual point of posting OP...so you could prove what a martyr you are?

The only single post that advised you to stay and 'be a good little woman' was the one you agreed with and acted upon 🤦‍♀️ ffs!!

It's Monday...Christmas isn't until Saturday...you've got SO MUCH TIME to take your kids back home and organise yourself...yet you choose to stay in a shithole and 'be kind' 🤷‍♀️

Stop wasting our time!

She's not wasting our time

We're wasting our time.

If you've got something more important to do, why don't you go and do it?

@Nanny0gg

You must admit surely… it is a bit odd.

To be both “raging”and so utterly and completely passive at the same time

Haven't read the full thread - cardinal sin I know, so sorry if this has already been discussed.

Re. you part owning the property; separate out in your head what is maintenance of the structure of the building and what is just cleaning and decoration of the walls (e.g. paint).
You only need to worry about the structure. When the day comes for it to be sold, DB can pay for complete cleaning and re-decoration. If necessary you arrange it and recover the cost from his half of the proceeds.

In the meantime, I realise you may have trouble identifying structural issues underneath the dirt, so maybe agree a survey/builder inspection every X number of years?

Enjoy Christmas regardless

It seems like there is more than one dimension to this. Not clear why arrived five days early. But typically if you've been invited to someone's home, it's not required, expected or even really polite, that you would take necessary actions and facilitate the event. Unless they flagged they want you to do that stuff, or they figured you would do it, in which case their motives are suss.

It's sad if they have not been looking after the jointly-owned home. But that's a separate issue from Christmas. You've said your kids are having a great time, and it's totally normal for kids not to notice what's going on among the adults. Therefore, I don't think the answer is to go home.

I would actually just say, "okay, I think I've done enough to help prepare, at this point."
And relax for the rest of the time. If they're not prepared for Christmas, it's on them.

Because your kids are there, I'd just focus on meeting the bare minimum for them. The kids won't care about the food, decorations etc. - only their presents. Do the minimum if you can't avoid it, but don't do any more because clearly you resent it.

Not the point but I quite like the idea if a viscous circle...

When in Rome...

You are a guest in this home (even if part owner of the house) and can simply accept the Christmas your hosts provide (even if less hygenic and less pretty than yours would be).

You have done the parts you are responsible for and can (perhaps should) sit back and wait to be invited/asked to assist.

Your children do not require your level of decorative order or even traditions for meals. Relax - be happy with things as they are (or perhaps just quietly plan do them differently next year).

It would be lovely if they were better hosts at this place - but they are yours at the moment. Enjoy what you can and avoid what you can't. Happy Christmas :)

I'm curious what would happen if you didn't step in OP?

Yeah the place would probably stay a tip - Or maybe a fun 'everybody game' could be started with everybody clearing up. (My dad used to get us to be robots and sit on his arse giving instructions, while we marched around like robots. We loved it!)

I assume at some point someone would get hungry and order food? Maybe everyone would order pizza for Christmas dinner...... I suspect it might end up a very different kind of Christmas but one the kids would really enjoy and remember as unique.

I feel like you are a bit stuck in anxious/ victim/ things have to be 'right'/ I have to sort it mode.... and interesting thing is that that can actually encourage passivity from others..... other opportunities don't open up. Do you think you could loosen up? Pour yourself a glass of wine? Put your feet up, and see what happens?

Just a thought.

[quote Longcovid21]@Bunce1 exactly. I'm a single parent and I would think going home with 2 bickering dc s to manage alone all Xmas would be an equal gamble. Can anyone with experience of property law tell me how I put in place boundaries with regard to the upkeep?[/quote]
Not read whole thread and not an expert in property law, but I owed a property a family member lived in and i refused to take about the house when visiting, however, I did not pretend to be blind to any issue because she would not necessarily tell me over the phone there was an issue but I wouldn't have a discussion. She was a clean and tidy tenant so no issue on that front but if I noticed a leak... once walked in and the hall had a puddle, I said ? Leak, she said yes, I said I will need to sort that, I will call you tomorrow morning, is that Ok? and she said yes...
job done.
In this case I would say, I can't deal with this, the children, Christmas and I can see you are struggling, so you want to come to mine and we can have Christmas and sort this out in the new year? I sort of get impression you like and love them to but it's a lot of stress for you. Good luck x

@candycane222

You don't"have" to put decorations up. If the kids ask where they are, say "oh maybe auntie skack" or whoever the relative is) doesn't like them. Ditto foid. You don't have to conform to anything.

My dsis is a bit like you - gets angry about being "expected" to do stuff that no-one is actually expecting her to do.

Oh my this too, my mum and best friend all the time. I nearly didn't do decorations this year and haven't on many years, I think decorations should be a communal thing and if no one wants to help I don't bother. Doesn't mean Christmas was rubbish. Also one year I didn't make Christmas dinner... turns out people do expect things, turns out so do I, they now help with Christmas.

Sounds like this place

Yes, the OP has seen something nasty in the woodshed....