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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

278 replies

Longcovid21 · 20/12/2021 13:38

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

OP posts:
OakRowan · 20/12/2021 14:43

Go home, blame covid.

itwasntaparty · 20/12/2021 14:44

Go home. Why have you gone so early?

aliloandabanana · 20/12/2021 14:44

Is this person who lives in a complete mess male or female? Makes no difference to what you should do (leave) but just wondering whether they just expect a woman to come and sort everything out for them.

2020nymph · 20/12/2021 14:44

Can you bag up all the rubbish/mess that you don't need while you are there and
Dump it somewhere for them to deal with when you've gone? Everyone to chip in and clean.

Grass them up to your parents with photos! Wink

fourdayholiday · 20/12/2021 14:45

Go home, painful I know as are the alternatives. You can use the possibility of Covid restrictions as an excuse.

Artichokeleaves · 20/12/2021 14:45

If you're planning to stay, then firm and assertive conv with relative.

"What are you planning for us to eat over Christmas? Who do you see as going to get this and make it happen? Because I will not be providing this for you alone and unaided. So we make a list right now of what needs doing, shopping for, cooking, providing, and you're going to need to sign up to 50% of it and get it done. Because I don't feel like doing all of it either, and am not willing to be the only competent grown up in this house."

Ionsion · 20/12/2021 14:45

Could it be that the person who invited you did so knowing that they can sit back while you do everything? It certainly sounds like it. Honestly I would go home and invite you’d parents to go with you.

ChangeChingyChange · 20/12/2021 14:46

Just get a last minute cleaner round. Sit the kids in front of the TV and grab the relative and work around each room tidying ready for the cleaner to do their thing. Loads and loads of cleaners in my area and someone would love a last minute pre Christmas bit of one off cash.

Blossom64265 · 20/12/2021 14:46

It seems most posters are envisioning an able-bodied, financially sound host who has failed in their duties.

I keep picturing showing up at my elderly grandmother’s home in the last couple of years before we managed to get her into a dementia care facility.

Ionsion · 20/12/2021 14:46

I wouldn’t even blame Covid I would tell them the truth

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/12/2021 14:46

Decor could just be a plastic mini tree with a bit of tinsel.

2020nymph · 20/12/2021 14:47

@Blossom64265

It seems most posters are envisioning an able-bodied, financially sound host who has failed in their duties.

I keep picturing showing up at my elderly grandmother’s home in the last couple of years before we managed to get her into a dementia care facility.

That's a good point!

Eddielzzard · 20/12/2021 14:47

Sit down and cry. In front of them preferably. Say how disappointed you are about the state of the house and how you're so tired you can't manage this level of shit.

Basically force them to fucking muck in.

NotAnotherAlias · 20/12/2021 14:48

“Oh, it seems you’re not ready for us. Never mind. We’ll pop back home. Shall we come back on Christmas Day?”

fourdayholiday · 20/12/2021 14:48

Blossom64265 surely the OP would have mentioned were it a disabled and/or elderly person?

ChangeChingyChange · 20/12/2021 14:49

[quote Longcovid21]@Bunce1 exactly. I'm a single parent and I would think going home with 2 bickering dc s to manage alone all Xmas would be an equal gamble. Can anyone with experience of property law tell me how I put in place boundaries with regard to the upkeep?[/quote]
You cant really as they're part owner. Who is the relative? I hate on mumsnet when people don't say - its not outing to say if it's mum/dad/nan etc. If it's an elderly person fair enough they might not be up to much cleaning and tidying - if it's your 45 year old dad for example then no excuse at all. If you both equally own the property but he/she lives there full time there's nothing you can do in terms of insisting on upkeep except to organise a weekly cleaner and get the relative to sign something to say the cost of that and any other essential upkeep will be added onto the value of your share of the property.

PlanktonsComputerWife · 20/12/2021 14:49

It's still four or five days to Christmas. No way would I be decluttering my table yet- it would all be covered in crap again by DH and DD by the next day.

Breathe.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2021 14:51

@fourdayholiday

Blossom64265 surely the OP would have mentioned were it a disabled and/or elderly person?
Exactly. If this person was incapable of maintaining their living space and hosting Christmas, the OP wouldn't be expressing surprise that she is 'expected' to do it.
TinyTear · 20/12/2021 14:52

I am betting this is a golden brother... the cool uncle...

Akire · 20/12/2021 14:52

Have a chat ask when their big food shop is coming and how are they going seat everyone xmas dinner of the table ain’t even clear.
Is the person normally capable and you be right expect clean home and full fridge or is this a major decline in their mental health?

Option A start feel I’ll go home, option B have frank discussion and decide go home possible taking said relative with you.

It’s one thing if they explained not managing well but happy go half’s on Xmas shopping and help with cleaning but not if sit back and expect you to do everything. Christmas doesn’t magically happen on its own.

ChimneyPot · 20/12/2021 14:53

If the relative is a sibling or cousin is going to court to force a sale an option? A move in that direction from you might motivate the coowner to maintain the property as part of an agreement not to sell yet.

Generalpost · 20/12/2021 14:53

Does the family member have mental health problems? /health problems Most people tidy up when they know people are coming. So I'm wondering if the family member is in a bad place at the moment.

ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 20/12/2021 14:54

@TinyTear

I am betting this is a golden brother... the cool uncle...
Came to say exactly the same thing……
TheYearOfSmallThings · 20/12/2021 14:55

If the kids love it I'd stick it out but not bother cleaning or decorating (maybe some fairy lights over the mantelpiece). Cook whatever I felt like on Christmas, and sit back amid the filth and chat over premixed cocktails. It might not be an Instagram Christmas but it could be nice.

If the kids didn't love it I'd go home - 90 miles is nothing if you drive. You could just pop back on Stephen's day to see your parents.

BarbaraofSeville · 20/12/2021 14:57

@TinyTear

I am betting this is a golden brother... the cool uncle...
Good shout.

As well as living in filth 'because he doesn't see mess' he's probably being endlessly bailed out by their DPs while the OP has been left to stand on her own two feet 'because she doesn't need help' and is rightly annoyed by this.

Now the OP is again wrong either way. If she does everything, she's a martyr, if she leaves him to it, 'she's too mean to help her poor ickle helpless DB'. At least in the latter scenario, she doesn't end up 'doing Christmas'.