I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

[Longcovid21]

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

I have no advice for you really except maybe leaving the children with relative and you going off for a nice coffee or something?

You don't"have" to put decorations up. If the kids ask where they are, say "oh maybe auntie skack" or whoever the relative is) doesn't like them. Ditto foid. You don't have to conform to anything.

My dsis is a bit like you - gets angry about being "expected" to do stuff that no-one is actually expecting her to do.

[quote Longcovid21]@Bunce1 exactly. I'm a single parent and I would think going home with 2 bickering dc s to manage alone all Xmas would be an equal gamble. Can anyone with experience of property law tell me how I put in place boundaries with regard to the upkeep?[/quote]
That's a very different question. Do they have a life interest/ right of residence. Do you?

[quote Longcovid21]@Bunce1 exactly. I'm a single parent and I would think going home with 2 bickering dc s to manage alone all Xmas would be an equal gamble. Can anyone with experience of property law tell me how I put in place boundaries with regard to the upkeep?[/quote]
Honestly Op. managing alone with 2 bickering children would be far less stress than this snd not much different from an ordinary Christmas Day that hasn’t been bigger up into a mumsnet Christmas Day.

The care for the house is s different issue and needs a long term strategy. Don't blow that one up now, ig will muddy the water. Just take notes to help you plan your approach with that one

*bigged up.

Not bigger up

If you are adamant on staying put, you can’t just huff and get on with all the cleaning and organising yourself. Have a word with relative and get them to help you clean. Make decorating fun and get all the kids involved. Make a shopping list and get relative to go out and get it all or ask them to look after the kids while you do. And whilst you’re out, go sit in a nice cafe and have a coffee to unwind.

You’re being unreasonable to just do it all yourself and not let on to anyone that you’re pissed off about it, that’s just letting them off the hook and they’ll continue to take the piss out of you.

Christmas Eve, everyone helps out preparing the dinner for Christmas Day so it’s just a case of whacking it all on to cook and enjoying the day.

Has the relative got money for a cleaner? If yes you can probably get someone to help today if you pay a bit more than the going rate.
Relative can pay and at least you’ll be in a cleaner house.

I would get the relative to pay for an M and S shop or something convenient for Christmas Day and for now. If you’re doing the organising they need to at least pay up. Get them to help you and the children tidy up enough. Don’t worry about decorations.
After Christmas you will need to set boundaries that they commit to either paying for some help or make an attempt to stay on top of basic housework.

If you are part owner what do you contribute to the house re bills/maintenance etc?

Sorry I put yabu because you could just blame covid and go home!! The kids will be fine and your parents can see you another time.

The dc are happy.

Assuming relative is somehow incapable eg depression then
Do the basic
Kitchen bathroom one clean area to sit
Get £££ from relative to buy m and s ready to cook everything

Just GO HOME.

You don't have to be a martyr. It's entirely your choice if you stay.

Your kids will be happy at home too.

And your relative agrees to pay for a weekly cleaner or you're selling the property, which as a single mum, would be much nicer for you financially!

op, of the kitchen had rotten food lying there then how is the state of the toilet? Can it be used? Are the beds clean?

I’ve always said people are more important than things. Are your parents related too you ‘host’ (lol)? What were you all planning to do all week? Tbh if you can get the kitchen clean (with help from your parents if relative us clueless) it sounds like it would be a great fun memory for your children.

Mmh I voted YANBU but really you have a choice. Don’t clean / tidy up, instead ask the relative to pay for a cleaner. Same for the Christmas meal, ask them what they planned as they invited you. And stay in a bnb as well.

Also I would seriously figure out how to put the property on the market or have your relative buy you out. Do they pay rent at the moment? If not I would set this up.

You're a grown woman with children to care for and make sure they are safe. Of course you can just pack up and leave. Don't have a miserable Christmas

Tell them you be will be putting on Christmas for your dc but they will need to make their own food throughout the visit, including Christmas Day dinner.

Don't clean for them or after them AT ALL.

bloody hell woman you need to tease out these utterly different issues.

1. no decorations - your kids will love doing it.
2. property law boundaries - absolutely - look up "management companies" - draw up a table showing expenditure (including on cleaners, carpet cleaning, carpet replacement, fumigation - go as far as you need to but in wholly neutral language). What gets measured gets better. Gather the data here so you can send it in the neat neutral table in the new year.
3. Clutter on table - sweep to edge of table

4 rotting food in pan - now dealt with.

Your problem is that your reaction to problem 2 is making your emotional response to items 1 and 4 stronger yet also less likely to be effective.

PS sorry to hear the long covid sounds a nightmare.

You are enabling them... they invite you knowing full well that you'll tidy up, put some decorations, buy the food and cook Christmas dinner.

If you won't leave, give them a list of all the food you need and tell them that if they want Christmas dinner cooking then Thai is what they have to do.
I'd not bother putting up Xmas decorations of your dc won't notice and just clean your, and your dc's bedrooms. Leave the rest of it in a mess

So you know it’s a mess but you don’t want to leave. What is it you want from this thread?

You are being a martyr. Go home. Tell your children as much or as little, all you have to say is you 'needed to' go home.

If you go, you will have to make the effort in your own home sure but you at least are not cleaning up after someone else.

Just. Go. Home.

Do they have money? Can they stump up for an emergency cleaner - prob will have to pay a premium for Christmas week - and then you do the decor and a simplified menu?

pps sorry if that sounds harsh - it comes from bitter experience. if you can see this as a chance to form a proper plan for item 2 you will feel more in control and able to relax and appreciate the joy that your (lovely sounding) children are feeling even if you can't share it.

I think if this was a friend's house you'd just shrug and be glad of the order in your own home.

good luck, have a lovely christmas and a game plan for the new year.