I've been invited for Xmas but I've just realised I'm being expected to bring Christmas

[Longcovid21]

A family member who I have a history with has invited me and the kids for Christmas. I get here after a 90 mile drive and the place is a shithole. The kitchen table is covered in crap and clutter. I've just had to throw out some rotting food in a pan. I've brought the kids presents with me and will have to organise all the Xmas day food too. No decorations are up. I'll have to do that too. The kids are oblivious to all the stress I'm under trying to facilitate that and my parents have booked an air b n b nearby for the day after boxing day so I can't just up and leave. I feel full of rage right now.

If you feel like you HAVE to stay (I wouldn't, the kids will soon get over it) then just don't do anything. Don't decorate or clean. Stay elsewhere and just arrive on the day. If everyone grumbles at the state of the place and lack of cheer do the same! Say you didn't realise your invitation was actually based around you being a housemaid and that you have your own home to look after.

Just go home.
Tell the kids it’s because the dirty relative has covid.

So you showed up, they said you need to do all of these things and you agreed?

Invite the parents round. All clean and get it ship shape together?

Sounds like our house apart from the rotting food, if the kids love it who cares. If they're happy I guess they're not that bothered on decorations so you can drop them. How do you know what your relative has planned for Christmas lunch? Ask them what the plan is although I doubt the kids are that bothered on Christmas lunch either to be fair. I think your relative sounds ace to be honest, why not just chill out and have an alternative Christmas this year - there's obviously some reason the kids love this relative so much. Just go with the flow and stop winding yourself up, maybe that's why the kids love the relative because she's not wound up tighter than a gnats ass and just enjoys the moment, a completely stressed out all the time mum makes things miserable for everyone.

So I've told them it is a state. They agree but said they don't feel like doing anything right niw

So then leave them to it. The kids dont care..your relative doesn't care. You haven't been ordered to do it.

Well of course not
They know you will.

If you're going to stay and do it then there's no point being resentful because you're choosing this over taking your kids and going home

Nobody needs Christmas decorations- sounds like your kids are happy without them.
Agree you should talk to relative about getting food and Christmas Dinner in. You have time.
Clean if you like. Plenty of time for that too before Christmas. I'd guess larger than life relative suffers the ups and downs of mood and efficiency that often come with that tag. Unless the history you're referring too is something pretty damning, I'd try to help.

Or - don't clean. Don't cook.

Why do you have to do all the shopping, cleaning, decorating and cooking?

Why can't the person you're seeing do at most of it? Why can't some of it be left undone?

And yes, why are you there so early if you have 'a history' with this person?

If the DC are mainly there to see this person and enjoy the garden, leave them to do that, get in some pizzas and other easy food and relax a bit? Do the minimum, eg put clean sheets on the bed you're sleeping in and put your feet up.

Has relative been alone through all those lockdowns too? That's tough. You're there - it's Christmas. If it's actually a serious problem, surely you could help?

@Longcovid21

So I've told them it is a state. They agree but said they don't feel like doing anything right niw

Well if they're not bothered and the kids aren't bothered, leave it! Microwave meals for Christmas Day, or go home for then or get your parents to help sort.

Go home. Send a cleaner in after Christmas, as it’s your house too. The kids will survive, with a mum who isn’t stressed out by cleaning.

Were you in fact invited or did you invite yourself? As it’s your property too the relative may have felt unable to refuse. Their view may be that they don’t make a big fuss about Christmas but you’re welcome to do so if you wish.

But who wants to stay in a dump and eat microwaved food for Christmas?

@Longcovid21

So I've told them it is a state. They agree but said they don't feel like doing anything right niw

Tell them tough shit and you don't feel like staying there while it's like that.

Just leave! And draw some boundaries about the property that is part yours! It’s annoying just reading your post - you sound like a complete doormat/martyr.

Sounds really horrible.

And what’s the alternative. You have Christmas alone or you suck it up. Both awful options really.

@HollowTalk

But who wants to stay in a dump and eat microwaved food for Christmas?

I think plenty would if that’s what they’re used to.

And no doubt a lot of them will post here as the thread rolls on.

Well your relative is hosting so they are in charge of what "Christmas" means this year. If it isn't hazardous the just let the kids have fun and - join in.

If your parents are disappointed that's on the host not you. Whatever the host is doing - just mirror it. Do Not Take The Lead. (Beyond ensuring comfortable beds for you and dcs)

Maybe your role in the family dynamic means everyone looks to you (including you, by the sounds of it) but if anyone questions the absence of x, y or z, just look at relative with an expectant expression on your face and - important this - say nowt.

If this is your 20 yo sibling who is still at the stage of life where artfully arranged beer bottles can substitute for decorating, then you Should have known what you were getting into. Perhaps you should just accept that Christmas will be a little less polished this year.

If this is your grandparent who is having trouble keeping up with the house and is perhaps a bit depressed, then yes, I understand digging into the mess and bringing the Christmas magic.

@Bunce1 exactly. I'm a single parent and I would think going home with 2 bickering dc s to manage alone all Xmas would be an equal gamble. Can anyone with experience of property law tell me how I put in place boundaries with regard to the upkeep?

lose your shit with relative and lay down ultimatum....both about christmas and the state of the house.

If your relative doesn't want to clean, can they hire a cleaner?