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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 18/12/2021 20:31

I think mixed changing in swimming pools is a particularly sensitive environment - needs far more active parenting than single sex changing.

Another angle on this: what are the other demands on your time? is your DH willing to make time to take her himself if he doesn’t want someone else to? If you’re a SAHM then it’s one thing but if you’re clawing the time out of your diary to make this happen and he isn’t then I’d say that he needs to step in and do it himself perhaps, rather than dictating to you what he wants. I dunno, just a thought.

Rocaille · 18/12/2021 20:33

Why should a father be anymore of a risk than a mother?

Because 98% of sexual abuse of children is perpetrated by males and experts believe up to 20% of males could have a sexual interest in children.

NellieBertram · 18/12/2021 20:33

I think this would be pretty low risk - she won't be alone, it's in a public place with lots of other people around.

I can think of much higher-risk situations - a child having music lessons with a male teacher, or a male worker in a nursery - but I can't imagine many people would be a straight no to those?

AnAverageMum · 18/12/2021 20:34

@Clymene

The OP's daughter isn't going to be alone with him

How do you know that? An adult can easily find any number of excuses to make it happen if they want to even if it isn’t ‘in the plan.’

@MsWalterMitty

FFS!!! I can’t believe how many think men are guilty until proven innocent!

Hmm No ones saying his guilty of anything. They’re saying they wouldn’t take the risk with their daughter & there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

My DH wouldn’t ever offer to take someone’s DD swimming for this exact reason!

WonderfulYou · 18/12/2021 20:34

You are unreasonable to disregard his concerns. If he's not comfortable with it it shouldn't happen.

Although I think he’s being overly paranoid, I agree with the above.
If he’s not comfortable then it shouldn’t happen. Just take your own child.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 18/12/2021 20:35

@Eastie77Returns

I don't think people have bothered to read your subsequent posts!

He's walking them to & from a swimming class, DD will be in her own cubicle & at almost 9, is very understandably able to dress herself!

There is no risk. If your DH wants his judgement to prevail over yours, best he's prepared to take her every week. He's being ridiculous -as are a lot of posters.

God forbid she had a male teacher at school or an after school activity.

Staffy1 · 18/12/2021 20:35

I think he is being ridiculous. Sad that someone is always under suspicion solely based on their sex (and even by other people of the same sex). Any of the mums could harm your child as well, but that doesn’t generally occur to anyone.

Rocaille · 18/12/2021 20:35

When is there going to be an opportunity for him to do anything untoward?

In the pool, there will be opportunities for him to inappropriately touch under the pretext of 'helping'. He could also insist on her changing in the male changing room.

SoupDragon · 18/12/2021 20:37

@Rocaille

When is there going to be an opportunity for him to do anything untoward?

In the pool, there will be opportunities for him to inappropriately touch under the pretext of 'helping'. He could also insist on her changing in the male changing room.

He won't be in the pool.

There is no male changing.

3g4g5g · 18/12/2021 20:38

I am with your DP on this one. I am not saying that the dad is a child abuser but as most abuser are known to the their victims and perhaps were even "adore" by them in some cases, I wouldn't risk it. Watch Abducted in Plain Sight.

titchy · 18/12/2021 20:38

@Eastie77Returns

So to clarify: DD would arrive at the pool with her swimming costume on under her clothes. She would go into her own cubicle to get undressed, the two boys go into their cubicles, and then they all go into the pool. The dad waits in a cafe. Afterwards DD gets dressed in her cubicle.

The pool and changing areas are very busy. There are lessons all afternoon and so a constant stream of people in the changing village.

The ‘opportunity’ for any adult to abuse a child in this setting and scenario is very low.

There is no driving involved by the way.

So he'll be nowhere near the changing rooms at all then. So it's absolutely not a problem. This isn't even worthy of a debate let alone a thread!

OP or another mum could take them and also sit in the cafe and MN would wholeheartedly approve. But the child would be at the same level of risk - from someone unknown in the changing area!

There's no difference here given the dad isn't going to be anywhere near the dd.

titchy · 18/12/2021 20:39

So if he was simply driving them to a swimming lesson where they would then change alone and swim with a teacher I would find that more acceptable'

That IS what is happening Confused

SickAndTiredAgain · 18/12/2021 20:40

Can I ask, and I mean this genuinely, what makes this situation that much more dangerous than a play date? If your child goes round to a friend’s house, even if both mother and father are there, that surely also provides ample opportunity for any abuser to manipulate the situation (as people have pointed out, abusers are good at this) to their advantage. Even more so with a sleepover. Do people allow sleepovers where a father will be present in the house?
DD is only 2 so this is not something that has come up for us yet.

In OP’s situation, I think the key thing is that if one parent is uncomfortable with an arrangement, that should be respected, and not overruled.

Rocaille · 18/12/2021 20:40

OP have you had a talk with your DD about boundaries and safety? Have school done anything in lessons?

Not a good idea to put DD in an unsafe situation and then make her responsible for not getting abused. Has anyone spoken to the schoolgate Dad about boundaries???

quitefranklyabsurd · 18/12/2021 20:40

Assuming she can get herself changed then there’s no need to worry. How would he feel
If it was the other way round amd one of the other parents didn’t want him taking their children based on the fact he is a man?

I assume the burden of the swimming run will
Be left to you abs he’s not offered to step in.

Chasingaftermidnight · 18/12/2021 20:41

Personally, I would be ok with it based on the changing situation you’ve described.

But I also think it’s not ridiculous to be uncomfortable with it. People have different boundaries and worries and experiences and that’s ok. Both parents have to be comfortable with the arrangement and if my husband wasn’t comfortable with it I would respect that.

Rocaille · 18/12/2021 20:42

Assuming she can get herself changed then there’s no need to worry. How would he feel
If it was the other way round amd one of the other parents didn’t want him taking their children based on the fact he is a man?

This is all about men's hurt feelz and nothing about children's safety.

Kanaloa · 18/12/2021 20:42

@titchy

Yes, hence my post two minutes after that saying I appear to have misunderstood the situation. I realised I had gotten it wrong and explained in that case I didn’t find it an issue but for the sake of everything else (unsupervised in changing rooms, DH discomfort) it might be best if the father takes his daughter so he can feel more comfortable since you never know why someone is uncomfortable.

ChiefStockingStuffer · 18/12/2021 20:42

YANBU

My 2 oldest are boys. I am so sad on their behalf that so many people will view them as predators of young girls for just existing.

titchy · 18/12/2021 20:43

@Rocaille

When is there going to be an opportunity for him to do anything untoward?

In the pool, there will be opportunities for him to inappropriately touch under the pretext of 'helping'. He could also insist on her changing in the male changing room.

HES NOT GOING IN THE POOL OR CHANGING ROOM! he's sat in the cafe.
Notagardener · 18/12/2021 20:43

We had similar arrangements, was very glad for it, and no, DH had no objections either

titchy · 18/12/2021 20:44

And there is no male changing room - read the OP!

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 20:44

If you wouldn’t have found out about this rota for taking the children, what would you have done? Presumably you had a way of getting there so why wouldn’t you just stick to that.

I never sent my kids anywhere with the dads of other kids.

I don’t really feel that comfortable that this dad mentioned it to you. My partner wouldn’t do that. And we had a dad that was quite persistent about taking our daughter to an activity with his child to the point that it became creepy. My daughter was 5. A few years later I found out something about him that made me very glad I’d trusted my instincts.

Regardless, your husband isn’t happy, we always had an agreement that if either of us were uncomfortable, we would err on the side of caution.

Clearbloo · 18/12/2021 20:44

I think the fact that people are here saying they think its ridiculous and OTT shows a massively naive attitude borne from the fact they have never faced the consequences of a dangerous predator. Maybe due to personal experience, but I certainly will never be letting my child be alone or in any situation where there is such an obvious risk as in a swimming pool/changing room.
That includes sleepovers, camping and all of the others places with similar opportunities should someone wish to take them.
The risk and the effect on a child's life, and their later life as an adult, is not worth it, believe me.

newname12345 · 18/12/2021 20:45

@Anony1631

I find it so creepy that he volunteered to take your daughter swimming. You need to be less relaxed. Yes probably nothing will happen but why risk it?
Why do you find it creepy? He currently shares the walking of kids to the swimming pool for lessons and adding another parent means he has to do that task less.