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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
AnxiousWeirdo · 18/12/2021 19:43

I'm on the fence here, I doubt the man is a pervert ofc but IF DD needed help for whatever reason (tangled up with clothes on damp skin etc) then she probably wouldn't be comfortable asking him for help... Would you husband be as worried about her being on a playdate at their house when the mother wasn't present? Or is it just a nakedness issue?

rrhuth · 18/12/2021 19:44

have known this man for almost a decade and trust him completely. The chances of anything untoward happening with DD are less than zero well no, they are not less than zero and the length of time you've known someone is not hugely relevant.

I would be more worried about driving, I don't always trust others with that, but if your dp is not happy, you just need to find a way of words and get out of it, I guess. He might have a bad feeling and not be able to articulate it.

CheshireCats · 18/12/2021 19:44

I would not be happy with this in a male/female changing environment. If she was going off into female changing, then yes. But not in this environment.

TeeNoG · 18/12/2021 19:45

I personally would be fine with this arrangement. I'd just check my DD was OK with it first.

oopsyoudiditagain · 18/12/2021 19:46

I wouldn’t risk it.

You can never know, no matter how long you’ve known them.
And trusting completely anyone, ever, about anything is foolish.

MojoJojo71 · 18/12/2021 19:46

No way would I allow this. I’m with your DP, the risk may be low but it exists and I wouldn’t be comfortable taking the chance.

Tbh the fact that he suggested it in the first place makes me uncomfortable. If I read a story in the news about a young girl being sexually abused under these circumstances my first thought would be ‘why the hell did her parents allow him to take her in the first place?’

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:46

Ok, fair enough. Consensus seems to be that I’m BU. I’m surprised so many people would feel uncomfortable with this considering it’s someone I’ve known for many years, he’s not a random parent I’ve chatted to in passing.

Obviously I wouldn’t have agreed to this if DD was unable to get dressed unaided.

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 18/12/2021 19:46

I’m with your husband. And even if people disagree with him because they have different attitudes to risk, I can’t understand why he’s being called an idiot or “ridiculous”. His concerns are legitimate.

Most people who abuse children are known to them and, crucially, trusted. They are also overwhelmingly likely to be male. The fact that your DH sees this as a potential safeguarding issue is very reasonable and IMO sensible.

I think this is one of those situations where if both of you aren’t on board, it can’t really go ahead.

Jamontoast87 · 18/12/2021 19:48

I'm with your DP on this one, I wouldn't feel comfortable at all.

babadoll79 · 18/12/2021 19:48

@CherryAndAlmond

I wouldn't do it, personally. Most abusers are known to the child (and the parents). I only leave DD with DF, no other males.
I agree. Better safe than sorry tbh
blackcurrantjam · 18/12/2021 19:48

Could dd take a female friend with her? Tricky one...

itsgettingwierd · 18/12/2021 19:48

No wonder kids nowadays have anxiety at extreme levels.

The level on here that's being passed to kids is unbelievable.

A kid is walking/going into a pool with a parent, their kid and another friend to go to a swim lesson and then go into a private civil league afterwards to get changed.

OP - well done on being a decent parent who has actually considered it necessary for their 8 yo to be able to dry and dress themselves. You'd be amazed how many laments still that that is a step too far for their snowflakes nowadays.

Also ask your dp how he'd feel if your dds friends parents stopped them coming for play dates because he'd be there supervising. How would he feel if someone thought his sheer presence on a building posed an abuse risk to their child.

I'm on board risk exists. But this is very low.

TurnUpTurnip · 18/12/2021 19:49

I wouldn’t allow this.

rrhuth · 18/12/2021 19:49

@Eastie77Returns

Ok, fair enough. Consensus seems to be that I’m BU. I’m surprised so many people would feel uncomfortable with this considering it’s someone I’ve known for many years, he’s not a random parent I’ve chatted to in passing.

Obviously I wouldn’t have agreed to this if DD was unable to get dressed unaided.

Why is the length of time you've known this person relevant to this?

Most abusers are known, often relatives. People do not know who, that is the problem.

AnAverageMum · 18/12/2021 19:50

YABU. The risk is obviously not less than zero, & I just wouldn’t be willing to take that chance.

I have 3 DDs, the only men I would allow to take them swimming/be there when they change are their father & their grandfather (my father.) You just absolutely cannot take that risk. YABVU to dismiss your DHs concerns.

AnAverageMum · 18/12/2021 19:53

@MojoJojo71

Tbh the fact that he suggested it in the first place makes me uncomfortable. If I read a story in the news about a young girl being sexually abused under these circumstances my first thought would be ‘why the hell did her parents allow him to take her in the first place?’

I agree with this 100%.

HelloNope · 18/12/2021 19:53

YABVU it's not worth it tbh.

dhdislsndh · 18/12/2021 19:56

No way on this earth would I be okay with that arrangement. My DH wouldn't be either, nor would he be prepared to take someone else's DD swimming as he wouldn't want to put himself in that sort of situation. I think you are very naive.

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:56

rruth I mentioned the length of time as a few people commented that I’m allowing DD to go off with a ‘stranger’.

Interesting that as some have noted, children are most likely to suffer abuse at the hands of a male relative but presumably no one on this thread would have a problem with their DH/Dad/Grandfather taking their DD swimming despite the statistically greater risk.

OP posts:
Clymene · 18/12/2021 19:57

What is the risk? Confused

He'll drive them, they go swimming, get changed in a cubicle and he drives them home.

Im really hot on safeguarding and nope, not seeing the issue here

titchy · 18/12/2021 19:57

What's the risk here? Really people spell it out.

She's not going into a private cubicle with this chap and letting him help her change. He could well be outside in the cafe waiting for the kids. I would be.

I can understand concerns if he was helping her change but he's not, so where is he going to get the opportunity to molest her?

rwalker · 18/12/2021 19:57

As you said there is no issue with changing . Ask DP how he would feel if someone suggested he would interfere with there child .

Sirzy · 18/12/2021 19:58

@CherryAndAlmond

I wouldn't do it, personally. Most abusers are known to the child (and the parents). I only leave DD with DF, no other males.
I get being cautious but I don’t think having such an extreme view will do your daughter any good either.

I don’t think teaching that all men should be scared of helps at all.

Octavi · 18/12/2021 19:59

I think it depends on your experience. We have a number of incidents of sexual abuse in my extended family, from friends and family members. I'm also really aware of a man where I live who was found to have taken photos of girls undressed at the swimming baths. He had a job with DC so would have had a DBS. I met him, he had a wife DC, I never would have predicted it. It's probably just not worth the risk. I think when they're older it's not such an issue. They stick with their friends. But 8 is so vulnerable.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/12/2021 19:59

Where is the risk? Is the dad in the changing room with your daughter? Or does he wait outside while all the children get changed?

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