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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 18/12/2021 20:45

This is all about men's hurt feelz and nothing about children's safety.

The child is no more at risk in this situation than any other.

Kanaloa · 18/12/2021 20:45

@ChiefStockingStuffer

YANBU

My 2 oldest are boys. I am so sad on their behalf that so many people will view them as predators of young girls for just existing.

Two of mine are boys too. I don’t think anyone will ‘view them as predators just for existing’ but I do accept that others don’t know them and in certain situations women will feel vulnerable and afraid. Doesn’t matter that this man’s a good ‘un because the bad ones don’t have ‘predator’ stamped on their face.
Kanaloa · 18/12/2021 20:46

Although in this particular situation I wouldn’t see a large amount of risk, but for me personally I just take my kids swimming myself. You never know when they’ll need help etc and I don’t like them being in public changing rooms alone.

But saying dramatic things like ‘people think my sons are predators just for existing, it makes me sad’ or plain stupid things like ‘women sexually abuse too’ is just reductive.

MamaWeasel · 18/12/2021 20:48

I think your dh is being unreasonable. Having said that, if either parent has misgivings about a potential situation involving their children then they should trust their gut.

I'd suggest that you do all the pick up and drop offs for your in child and let the other parents do theirs their way.

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 18/12/2021 20:49

I am so sad on their behalf that so many people will view them as predators of young girls for just existing.

If they are good men, they won’t take it badly. My partner and son are lovely and I know they are no danger to anyone, but they understand that other women/girls do not automatically know that.

Flipflopblowout · 18/12/2021 20:49

Tell your DH to get out and make friends with the other Dads.

nitsandwormsdodger · 18/12/2021 20:50

Someone I knew for years and would have staked my life on as a decent family man - went to prison for being indecent to a minor , totally shocked never had even the slighted clue
However I’d still allow this situation and arm my daughter with NSPCC advice ( pantosaurus) she has to be in these situations at some point and needs training

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 18/12/2021 20:50

@Clearbloo

I think the fact that people are here saying they think its ridiculous and OTT shows a massively naive attitude borne from the fact they have never faced the consequences of a dangerous predator. Maybe due to personal experience, but I certainly will never be letting my child be alone or in any situation where there is such an obvious risk as in a swimming pool/changing room. That includes sleepovers, camping and all of the others places with similar opportunities should someone wish to take them. The risk and the effect on a child's life, and their later life as an adult, is not worth it, believe me.
I assume you'll never leave your child at home without you either? I was abused in my own house. In my own bedroom even when my mum was out.
Coyoacan · 18/12/2021 20:51

Most abusers are known to the child (and the parents). I only leave DD with DF, no other males

Most abusers are fathers and step-fathers. We can only so much to protect our children.

Loki01 · 18/12/2021 20:51

Can I just say that the absolute majority of people are not peadophiles?

Anony1631 · 18/12/2021 20:51

@Kanaloa totally agree.

On a side note how many times do you read stories of child abuse and think why did the parents allow the predator to have so much access to the kids in first place.

Staffy1 · 18/12/2021 20:52

Women predators exist as well, so why does no one have concerns about them but some immediately have concerns about a man? As someone has asked, would you stop your children going to a friends house if their dad was going to be there?

Anony1631 · 18/12/2021 20:53

@Loki01

“ Can I just say that the absolute majority of people are not peadophiles?”

That’s obvious! But it’s not written on their foreheads is it?

WaverleyOwl · 18/12/2021 20:53

The fact that your own DP is uncomfortable should give you pause. He knows how men think and act, and if he is uncomfortable, I'd give that weight.

Women think the best of people far too much.

WaningMoon · 18/12/2021 20:53

You are unreasonable to disregard his concerns. If he's not comfortable with it it shouldn't happen

Absolutely this.

I used to work in safeguarding. Most men are not child abusers, but you have no way of telling who is and who isn’t.

And honestly I am surprised that the dad offering to take them can’t see why this would make you uncomfortable.

colourfulpuddles · 18/12/2021 20:54

YABVU. He is not comfortable, so you don’t do it. It’s irrelevant how long you’ve known this man.

SoupDragon · 18/12/2021 20:54

The fact that your own DP is uncomfortable should give you pause. He knows how men think and act

Well, he knows how he thinks and acts...

3isthemagicnumber3 · 18/12/2021 20:56

Not in a million years would I let my daughter go in communal changing rooms with someone unfamiliar to her. At the very least I would worry that she would feel uncomfortable, but also would not leave a vulnerable little girl in communal changing rooms with a man I didn’t know well, also, there are other people in the changing room not just this man. You don’t know who is in there at any time and a lone girl would be very vulnerable.

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 20:56

Is this Prince offering to take his own dd to the pool then?

Or are women expected to do this for him, either you or the other women at school?

Kanaloa · 18/12/2021 20:57

@Staffy1

Women predators exist as well, so why does no one have concerns about them but some immediately have concerns about a man? As someone has asked, would you stop your children going to a friends house if their dad was going to be there?
Same reason I have some concerns about cancer but I’m not too worried about falling off a train. One is much more likely than the other. They’re very different levels of risk. Did you think women sexually abuse on the same level as men?
bananabuddy3 · 18/12/2021 20:58

To be honest I feel really sorry for men this day and age, any dad just trying to help is basically branded a pervert.
I would question how your DH would feel of this was flipped over? One day, your DH may be in a position where he has to take your DD and a friend swimming. Or as your DD gets older, may be at home alone with your DD and a friend or have to drive DDs female friend home. Then what’s going to happen? What would your DH say if confronted by another dad who doesn’t want him near his daughter because he might be an abuser?

I am definitely not saying that you never be too careful. Of course not. A child’s safety is paramount.
But let’s weigh up the risk here. 3 children in the car. 2 of which are children who are your DDs friends. A changing village, so the DD would have a private cubical and as you say is perfectly capable of changing herself. There will also be, no doubt, plenty of other parents and children and possibly the general public milling around so they won’t be alone.

My pool has a changing village like this. No segregated areas, just aisles of private cubical sand most of the time lessons only take up part of the pool.

Sounds like you’ve got your head screwed on and can easily make sure your daughter has easy clothes to put on that don’t require help and she knows not to come out half naked or anything. I imagine this dad will spend the lesson sitting in the cafe or such.

I say all this as someone who grew up with a single dad. What was he to do?

Women and mums can abuse too. Maybe have DH meet the dad in question a bit more and get to know each other.

VitalsStable · 18/12/2021 20:58

@WaverleyOwl

The fact that your own DP is uncomfortable should give you pause. He knows how men think and act, and if he is uncomfortable, I'd give that weight.

Women think the best of people far too much.

Another man knows how men think, yes maybe in relation to grown up women who they are aware are attractive but really my DH wouldn't know in the slightest how someone who would abuse a child thinks!

DH takes DD and one of her friends swimming each week (exactly the same changing scenario) as I work on the evenings they have those lessons. I'd be mortified if anyone suggested that he was a risk to DDs friend. The mother is overly cautious but is fine with DH taking her.

Clymene · 18/12/2021 20:58

@3isthemagicnumber3

Not in a million years would I let my daughter go in communal changing rooms with someone unfamiliar to her. At the very least I would worry that she would feel uncomfortable, but also would not leave a vulnerable little girl in communal changing rooms with a man I didn’t know well, also, there are other people in the changing room not just this man. You don’t know who is in there at any time and a lone girl would be very vulnerable.
She's not going into communal changing rooms. Confused She's going to change in a cubicle on her own
NumberTheory · 18/12/2021 20:58

I think you need to point out to your DP that his attitude could significantly limit his daughters opportunities compared to if she were a boy. That you can both work to minimise risk without limiting opportunity when there isn't good cause. You can talk with DD to make sure she is comfortable mentioning anything untoward, you can both encourage her to feel safe telling you if she is uncomfortable without having that dismissed or thinking she will be disbelieved. But to simply say she can't do something because the adult is a man will, in the end, limit her access to the world.

Clymene · 18/12/2021 20:59

This man is literally just driving the kids there and back. If it were any other activity would there be this reaction?