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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
De88 · 18/12/2021 20:01

It would only be unreasonable not to try and see it from his point of view. Whether it's a reasonable arrangement is a separate thing, to me it would be fine, as you say your daughter is almost 9- it's not like she needs help getting changed etc.

Tal45 · 18/12/2021 20:01

I swim with a school group of kids, the 4 and 5 year olds are pretty much able to change themselves, just like they do with PE. They might need help with doing shoe laces and they might be veeeery slow but they're still expected to do it all. By nearly 9 I would certainly expect then to be able to change in a cubicle by themselves without any help.

If your daughter is happy with the situation then I would be fine with it. How would you husband feel if someone wasn't happy with him taking their children swimming when they would be in cubicles getting changed by themselves? They'll be in a changing village so there will be lots of other children and adults around as well.

I'd tell him it's fine if he doesn't like it, that's his prerogative, but he needs to then take her himself or arrange a suitable alternative.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 18/12/2021 20:01

To clarify...
The swimming pool has one of those arrangements with lots of cubicles, each child will be in their own cubicle, and lots of parents, grandparents, carers will be around outside the cubicles?

Its probably a safer arrangement than going to their house for a playdate.

CactusLemonSpice · 18/12/2021 20:01

I think if he is concerned, it would be best to respect his feelings about this. I think it's best to err on the side of caution with these things. If I felt uncomfortable with an arrangement with a man taking my daughters swimming, I would expect my DH to respect those feelings (even if I'm potentially being silly).

Squeezita · 18/12/2021 20:02

What’s his solution? Will he take her himself or does he expect you to?

BraveGoldie · 18/12/2021 20:03

It's not about what the man feels- why is that relevant? if this was a woman saying her 'spidey senses' weren't happy with this but should she send her child anyway, we would all be screaming no. We would tell her to Trust her instincts. We would NOT accuse her of being an idiot or creating anxiety in a generation of children!

SomethingBeginningWithX · 18/12/2021 20:03

I can't imagine living with this level of paranoia tbh Confused

EbonanzaScrooge · 18/12/2021 20:06

I see both sides here. You know this person and trust him but your DP doesn’t. I wouldn’t dismiss his concerns, how would you feel if you had concerns but he was brushing it off? You need to sit and discuss this properly and acknowledge both sides before making a decision.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 18/12/2021 20:08

@Aroundtheworldin80moves

To clarify... The swimming pool has one of those arrangements with lots of cubicles, each child will be in their own cubicle, and lots of parents, grandparents, carers will be around outside the cubicles?

Its probably a safer arrangement than going to their house for a playdate.

I agree with this. I'd allow my dc to go. And I say that as a CSA survivor.
Groapple · 18/12/2021 20:09

You need to respect your husband’s wishes. If it was the other way around I think a woman would get more support.

Just because you’ve known this man for years doesn’t mean he’s safe.

BunnyBlanket · 18/12/2021 20:10

Where we are, children 8+ must use the correct gender changing room. So your DD would be in the girls and he would be in the boys or waiting outside. So I don’t see the issue.

sunflowerroses · 18/12/2021 20:10

I'd be fine with this. My daughter's best friend and her often have lessons together in the holidays and all 4 parents take them at various times - the girls get themselves changed alone (and have done since they were just 7). The other couple are really paranoid generally (won't allow sleepovers etc), but even they are ok with the lesson arrangement. We've known them since the girls were 1.

AnAverageMum · 18/12/2021 20:10

My children are not at all anxious, or scared of men… they’re trusting and therefore vulnerable. Which is why I would NOT let them go, because it’s my job to see risk. I can’t believe some people can call this hysteria? None of you know this man, absolutely he might be a well meaning father…

He could also have offered specifically so he has opportunity. Does it really need to be spelt out?

‘You boys go outside now you’re dressed I’ll stay here & wait with DD.’
‘Boys you swim for 5 more minutes DD come on let’s go and get dressed.’
There are so many opportunities for him to be alone with her if he wanted to create one. Kids trust adults. WAKE UP.

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 20:12

So to clarify: DD would arrive at the pool with her swimming costume on under her clothes. She would go into her own cubicle to get undressed, the two boys go into their cubicles, and then they all go into the pool. The dad waits in a cafe. Afterwards DD gets dressed in her cubicle.

The pool and changing areas are very busy. There are lessons all afternoon and so a constant stream of people in the changing village.

The ‘opportunity’ for any adult to abuse a child in this setting and scenario is very low.

There is no driving involved by the way.

OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 18/12/2021 20:12

The girl is undressed. Often young kids don't lock cubicle doors. Men - the dad and any others - have a perfect excuse to be around right by the cubicle. It is a very obvious, desirable place for an abuser to hang out and spy a kid who doesn't have an attentive mother. Nobody knows who belongs to who or is paying attention. They are busy with their own kid. Nobody would question somebody going into a cubicle to 'help' a child. Even if the father taking her is totally trustworthy, he's got three people to watch at once.

I am not an anxious or paranoid person but this really isn't zero risk.

Dontbeme · 18/12/2021 20:12

when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums

I know two kids abused sexually by women, rare but it does happen. Why is your DP so unconcerned about your DD being sent off with this random woman? She would have more access to your DD, "helping" her dress/undress in a private cubicle, nobody would blink an eye at that.

If you're going to take things to extremes like this maybe ask your DP why DD should ever be left in his care, if men are so dangerous? So what suggestions has your DP come up with, is he willing to finish work early to bring DD to swimming and any other clubs?

Kanaloa · 18/12/2021 20:12

I think it would be fine in other situations, but I can understand DH’s reluctance in this particular situation.

For example, there is a boy I collect from my son’s activity one day and his dad takes my son another day. It works for both of us. But the boys change with the other boys in the changing rooms and then the teacher is in charge of them.

It’s a bit different than parents taking other children swimming, does that make sense? So if he was simply driving them to a swimming lesson where they would then change alone and swim with a teacher I would find that more acceptable. I’m not sure if I’ve explained it well. Or if it was a mum with other girls I would be more keen.

RamblingOldWoman · 18/12/2021 20:13

He’s being ridiculous. The other Dad would not be alone with your DD at any time.

At 8, I imagine it would be the same set up as at our local pool. Parents drop off DC then they go to change themselves, parents at the spectator area upstairs or the seating area next to the changing village where you can also see the pool. Then meet DC as they come out of the changing area. The Dad would have zero reason to even go in the changing area unless it was to hurry them up if they were extremely slow getting dressed afterwards and they’d be in cubicles anyway.

I work in Safeguarding and am very alert to anything with my own DC but this would not be an issue at all.

xprincessxjanetx · 18/12/2021 20:14

No, I wouldn't even consider this.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 18/12/2021 20:14

Women abuse dc also you know!!

MegsHollyJolly · 18/12/2021 20:15

I'd be wary, firstly because it sounds like he initiated the offer of adding the girl to the group as per OP.

Abusers are usually known to the child and trusted completely by the parents as this provides the access and opportunity to groom.
Abusers are more frequently male.

Call me paranoid but is it really worth the risk when it is your childs safeguarding. I think your DP is sensible to be wary of the offer. We are told never to ignore our gut instinct as mother's, should your DP ignore his.

Meatshake · 18/12/2021 20:15

Why is it only women who are allowed and encouraged to "trust their gut"?

RamblingOldWoman · 18/12/2021 20:16

I’d be more concerned if there were separate changing rooms and my DD had to change in a closed off room completely on her own tbh.

EmmaWoodhousestreehouse · 18/12/2021 20:16

He’s not being unreasonable at all. It makes sense to be cautious.

Kanaloa · 18/12/2021 20:16

Sorry, I see I’ve misunderstood - the dad would not be swimming or changing with them? I thought he would be taking them swimming, but on a reread it appears he would just drop them off at a swimming lesson and leave them?

In that case I do think that would be fine, as long as you have chatted to dd and made sure she feels fine and knows to change alone/stay in her cubicle and all the Suzuka safeguarding rules.

However, if her father isn’t comfortable with it maybe he can just take her. It seems the easiest way to get around it. I don’t think it’s necessarily sensible to be so worried about this but you never know why people are worried or concerned. If you have sexual abuse in your past (even in the family, an incident that happened etc) it’s very hard not to see risks everywhere for your own kids.