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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:
Drunkpanda · 27/12/2021 10:40

Well no male coach has ever abused a boy in his care... oh wait.
Glad you have found a solution that works for you all. I bet your dh goes about twice and then decides it's all safe!

Double3xposure · 27/12/2021 11:36

So your partner was so concerned for your Dd safety that he had do it himself? Until then he realised that it would take up his valuable time taking two children to two events on the same day ( which no mother has ever done ).

So he miraculously overcame all his concerns and decided to let the original plan stand. Well I’m TOTALLY flabbergasted, who could have foreseen such an outcome !!!

It’s almost as if he was more interested in controlling you and the faux concern was just a smoke screen.

I note that he is also going to occasionally supervise this man in the cafe - what a worthy job! All these people who have up their Christmas Day to feed homeless people/ give vaccines in the NHS / work as carers - they needs to look to the altruism and self sacrifice of this man.

I trust he has a system in place for the other parents to notify him of which weeks this “ school dad day “ will be taking the children. Maybe the male parent of the other child could get involved too and all three men could sit in the cafe on a Saturday morning supervising each other.

That would allow their female partners to get on with the housework at home and look after the other children.

It’s a tough job being a man with principles.

Qwertykeys · 27/12/2021 11:54

Glad you found a solution , I do hope the other parents are ok with him tagging along , after all nothing stopping him abusing one of the boys

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 27/12/2021 12:20

Glad a solution has been found which means any risks to your daughter are minimised and your partner is comfortable. Hope she enjoys the swimming.

Double3xposure · 27/12/2021 12:28

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

Glad a solution has been found which means any risks to your daughter are minimised and your partner is comfortable. Hope she enjoys the swimming.
The risks to her Dd haven’t changed in any way. They are exactly the same as they were at the start of the thread.

The Ops partner is now supervising the other male while they both sit in the cafe together and the children swim in the pool. Or I suppose they are supervising each other.

Meanwhile the children are in the pool and the changing area. Presumably being taught by a male swim instructor on occasion, supervised by male attendants and surrounded by male swimmers.

This is all just nonsense and a complete distraction to proper risk assessment and genuine safeguarding.

Eastie77Returns · 27/12/2021 13:31

@Drunkpanda

Well no male coach has ever abused a boy in his care... oh wait. Glad you have found a solution that works for you all. I bet your dh goes about twice and then decides it's all safe!
I can absolutely guarantee this will be the outcome. He works in central London so after a couple of times of dashing home on the tube to take her I know he will suddenly decide that he is fine with her going with the school dad. He is concerned until the concern inconveniences him, then he isn’t.

I suspect this whole charade was about him feeling annoyed that I wouldn’t finish work early and take DD myself every single week.

OP posts:
Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 13:43

I suspect this whole charade was about him feeling annoyed that I wouldn’t finish work early and take DD myself every single week.

Absolutely, and I'm sure after going with the other dad once or twice he will soon make excuses as to why he can't and will miraculously be fine with school dad going alone.

Eastie77Returns · 27/12/2021 15:36

@Double3xposure

So your partner was so concerned for your Dd safety that he had do it himself? Until then he realised that it would take up his valuable time taking two children to two events on the same day ( which no mother has ever done ).

So he miraculously overcame all his concerns and decided to let the original plan stand. Well I’m TOTALLY flabbergasted, who could have foreseen such an outcome !!!

It’s almost as if he was more interested in controlling you and the faux concern was just a smoke screen.

I note that he is also going to occasionally supervise this man in the cafe - what a worthy job! All these people who have up their Christmas Day to feed homeless people/ give vaccines in the NHS / work as carers - they needs to look to the altruism and self sacrifice of this man.

I trust he has a system in place for the other parents to notify him of which weeks this “ school dad day “ will be taking the children. Maybe the male parent of the other child could get involved too and all three men could sit in the cafe on a Saturday morning supervising each other.

That would allow their female partners to get on with the housework at home and look after the other children.

It’s a tough job being a man with principles.

@Double3xposure this made me laughSmile

But entirely agree. So many men have all kinds of controlling ‘principles’ that mysteriously disappear as soon as said principles require actual effort on their part or disrupt aspect of their lives, hobbies etc.

OP posts:
HangingOutWithTheSandman · 27/12/2021 16:06

So many men have all kinds of controlling ‘principles’ that mysteriously disappear as soon as said principles require actual effort on their part or disrupt aspect of their lives, hobbies etc.

But his issue was this other dad taking his daughter and this won’t be happening, so his principles haven’t disappeared.

You seem to to sneer at anyone who agrees with your partner about this issue. You’re not on the same page with parenting, you laugh along with other posters who have laughed at him and say he moans when pulling his weight with the kids. You seem to want to prove he’s mad for thinking this was an issue in the first place. If you think it was about controlling you, why are you with him? And if not, and you believe he is doing this out of genuine concern, your posts seem quite shitty about him.

Eastie77Returns · 27/12/2021 19:36

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

So many men have all kinds of controlling ‘principles’ that mysteriously disappear as soon as said principles require actual effort on their part or disrupt aspect of their lives, hobbies etc.

But his issue was this other dad taking his daughter and this won’t be happening, so his principles haven’t disappeared.

You seem to to sneer at anyone who agrees with your partner about this issue. You’re not on the same page with parenting, you laugh along with other posters who have laughed at him and say he moans when pulling his weight with the kids. You seem to want to prove he’s mad for thinking this was an issue in the first place. If you think it was about controlling you, why are you with him? And if not, and you believe he is doing this out of genuine concern, your posts seem quite shitty about him.

I don’t think he is ‘mad’ but his line of reasoning (or lack of) doesn’t make sense.

He objects to the school dad taking DD to the pool along with other children. Yet he has dropped DD to this same man’s house and left her there on play dates where she would be at far greater risk from him than when she is at the swimming pool

I’m putting that bit in bold because a lot of people who are convinced DP is right to be worried are curiously over looking this.

If you had a concern about someone who wanted to take your DC to a public place would you leave your child with that same person in the private confines of their house? In his own home, the school dad has ample opportunity to ‘help’ her to the bathroom, remove clothes if she’s feeling hot after running around playing etc.

But while DP is seemingly not worried about DD falling victim to any of these scenarios in the school dad’s house, he is concerned that she might be abused by him in a pubic changing roomHmm

Does any of that make sense to you?

The problem is DP picks and chooses his safeguarding concerns based on outdated views and situations that suit him. Dropping DD for a play date at the school dads house, when he is supposed to be looking after her, suits him as he gets to have time to himself for a couple of hours while another parent who he is allegedly concerned about does the childcare.

He is fine with DD going to the swimming pool with the other school mum, who he doesn’t know, and the school dad’s wife as he doesn’t seem to think any harm can befall her when she’s in the care of women who are “instinctive carers” (his words)Confused

He drops DS off at football on Saturdays and often leaves him there in the care of male coaches he knows absolutely nothing about. Yes they will be DBS checked etc but that doesn’t mean anything. He knows about the awful stories of historical abuse many footballers have spoken about in recent times. but he doesn’t share the same concerns for DS’ welfare at all because he doesn’t think boys are really at risk.

And the only people I’ve sneered at are those who have written absolute nonsense e.g. the person who asserted that the fact I’ve never left DD at the school dad’s house for a sleepover ‘proves’ that deep down I know he is a sexual offenderConfused

OP posts:
marcopront · 28/12/2021 10:38

@HangingOutWithTheSandman

But his issue was this other dad taking his daughter and this won’t be happening, so his principles haven’t disappeared.

Except the other Dad is still taking her sometimes, so it is still happening.

And as @Eastie77Returns so eloquently put it there was little logic to his concerns anyway.

There have been very few justifications for the increased risk of the dad sitting in the cafe alone as opposed to with the Mum and none for the increased risk of him sitting in the cafe as opposed to having the daughter in his house alone.

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