DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

[Eastie77Returns]

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

The chances of anything untoward happening with DD are less than zero
how can the chance of something happening be less than zero?

Anyway, would I let a male friend/parent take my daughter swimming without me? No. I wouldn’t.

School run dad or someone you’ve known for a decade?

Abusers are usually known to the child and trusted completely by the parents as this provides the access and opportunity to groom.Abusers are more frequently male.

You just described this child's dad. OP have you had a talk with your DD about boundaries and safety? Have school done anything in lessons?

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Women abuse dc also you know!!

Yes but it’s drastically less common. I don’t know why people bring this up as if it’s a ‘gotcha’ when women are concerned about men around their children in vulnerable situations.

It’s like saying ‘cats bite people too!’ Yes, but dogs are considerably more likely to bite you severely so I’ll worry about them first I think. But pretending the risk is equal is stupid.

OP, you say your partner knows or has met this man quite a few times, right?
Men usually know what other men pretty well. If your partner has concenrs, you should listen. Better to be safe than sorry.

However, I don't think vague reasons from your partner are enough here. He needs to spell out his concerns clearly. If there is something to worry about you need to know exactly what it is.

If he isn’t in the changing room, I guess the only concern is she is in a changing room without an adult - is this the set up when you take her?

@titchy

What's the risk here? Really people spell it out.

She's not going into a private cubicle with this chap and letting him help her change. He could well be outside in the cafe waiting for the kids. I would be.

I can understand concerns if he was helping her change but he's not, so where is he going to get the opportunity to molest her?

Well that’s the thing about abusers isn’t it? They are adept at engineering what appears to be a safe or innocent situation and coercing a vulnerable victim to allow them access. And this, to me, seems to present an opportunity for that. There will be no other adult in charge of the children. He is the sole person supervising them. He could easily invent a reason why he needs to “assist” DD or get something from her cubicle or whatever. That’s what these people do. Would an 8 year old girl be confident enough to stand up to that, even if it felt wrong? Should she have to?

1 in 20 children (remembering that this is likely a very conservative figure) are sexually abused. It’s really not that unlikely.

Why? She won’t be alone with him, and she get herself dressed etc. If your DP feels really strongly, I probably wouldn’t go against his wishes but I would talk it through with him.

I really do despair of the people saying, yes but you can’t be too careful… it is a grim and irrational state of affairs, and utterly destructive to any sense of community.

You can’t really say chances of anything happening are below 0 OP. You trust him which is nice but it just doesn’t work.

Sorry but disagree with most comments. Unless there is any back history about the Dad I think that your partner is VU . Why should a father be anymore of a risk than a mother?

I understand your DP's concerns and would feel the same way. There's no way I would allow a male other than her own father to take DD (8) swimming.

This man might just be trying to help. Or he might be a predator. If the latter, swimming is the perfect pretext for him to leer at your daughter, touch her inappropriately or take photos.

I won’t leave my daughters who are 2 and 8 alone with any other male apart from their dad. Just cuts down the risk. Abusers are always really nice and helpful and known to the family. The dad is probably fine but if there is a 5% risk then why take it. Child protection in this country is crap and our culture is far too relaxed and sexualises children too much. It is seen as impolite to think of people as being predators and this is a gift to abusers.

If he is not comfortable then it doesn’t happen. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable.

I'd be absolutely fine with it. At 8 the kids could go swimming unaccompanied. There's no reason for him to be in the changing village other than to chase the kids up.
DH ends up hosting most of our kids' play dates purely because he finishes at 3 and I finish at 7. He's a primary TA and an assistant cub leader. I'd be really upset of anyone was reluctant to allow their kids to play with ours just because he's a bloke.

OP, I assume your DP won't engage with your dad's friends because he'll assume he'll be seen as a risk to them?

Wow. I’m really surprised by some of the comments on here. It wouldn’t worry me if I’d knew, trusted and liked someone for a decade, and his wife.

There is no way I’d let a dad take my dd swimming. She is 7.5 and even though she can get ready herself I still help her get changed.
I agree completely with your partner.

I’ve name changed just to post to you. This is ridiculous and I’m really annoyed that you think just because you r known someone for years then he’s okay! Seriously? I was abused by my cousin who I’d known all my life abs my family obviously knew since he was a baby! Why would you put your daughter at risk?

This attitude of I’ve known him for years makes me so angry. Do you think just back as you’ve known someone for so many years automatically means he’s safe? My life was destroy this attitude. Your DP is 100% right. Even if there’s a 1% chance I wouldn’t put my child at risk.

My schoolfriend's pervert dad used to take us swimming. He used to chuck me in the pool. Horrible man. He was eventually done for sexual harassment of girls in the town where he lived.

I wouldn't trust anyone to look after my dcs, especially randoms going swimming.

Swimming makes it more awkward. I had a bad experience in the changing rooms at this age, so I wouldn't personally be happy.

@Muminabun

I won’t leave my daughters who are 2 and 8 alone with any other male apart from their dad. Just cuts down the risk. Abusers are always really nice and helpful and known to the family. The dad is probably fine but if there is a 5% risk then why take it. Child protection in this country is crap and our culture is far too relaxed and sexualises children too much. It is seen as impolite to think of people as being predators and this is a gift to abusers.

The OP's daughter isn't going to be alone with him

I find it so creepy that he volunteered to take your daughter swimming. You need to be less relaxed. Yes probably nothing will happen but why risk it?

FFS!!! I can’t believe how many think men are guilty until proven innocent!

Your DH is being ridiculous.

How come it’s okay for the other parent who is a mum to take the other boy??!!!

When is there going to be an opportunity for him to do anything untoward?