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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP uncomfortable about a school run dad taking DD swimming

661 replies

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2021 19:08

DD (8) will be attending swimming lessons at a new venue in the New Year. There are a couple of other kids in her class who attend lessons at the same pool, I am friends with both sets of parents. I was chatting to the dad of one of the kids and he mentioned that he and and the other child’s mum take it in turns to take both children swimming each week. He asked if I’d like to join the ‘rotation’ which would mean taking all 3 kids every 3 weeks and I said I’d be happy to. We all live a few minutes walk from each other and DD knows the 2 boys well. I’d already discussed this with the other mum so she is on board.

DP has announced he is uncomfortable about the arrangement as there is a male parent involved (when I originally mentioned the plan to him he thought it would only be mums). I think he is being absolutely ridiculous, I have known the school dad since our children were 2 years old and DD adores him.

However I discussed this with a friend who said she 100% understands why DP is unhappy and I need to see this from his point of view. AIBU??

OP posts:

Hertsgirl10 · 20/12/2021 11:44

Nobody see the irony that people that are all for OP allowing this situation have accused OP’s DP of all sorts because he wants to protect his child, he must be a raving peado? A trusted man and father of the child. But the other man is no risk cos she knows his from up the school 😂

Youmeanyouvelostyourkey · 20/12/2021 12:18

My DH does most of the child activity stuff in our house and takes our kids swimming. He would be mortified if people thought that he was a risk because he took a turn to take the kids and a friend to swimming lessons. We would be happy to let our DD go with someone she knew (and with her friends) so long as she was ok with it

This isn't a stranger, this is someone they have known for a while. Yes abusers exist but it's not every school dad out there.

Double3xposure · 20/12/2021 12:55

@ohdelay

I'm on the dad's side. He's uncomfortable and wants to protect his child and that should be enough. It's interesting (and admirable) he gets to dismiss the "not all men" angst about potential hurt feelings and just say I'm not comfortable so no.

It’s not admirable at all, unless he is willing to give up his time and do all the swimming duties himself. And the Op didn’t mention anything about that.

All I see is a man telling his partner that her plans for her child ( we don’t know if it’s his child ) don’t meet with his approval. Because the other father is male ( as most fathers are).

No other reason given - indeed he says it’s “ not personal”.

The Op knows the man and thinks it’s fine. She has done her own risk assessment and can’t see an issue. No one here who works in / is knowledgeable about child protection on this thread has said that this is high risk.

The child knows the man and has never said anything to cause concern.

But the Ops partner has decided it’s high risk based on nothing more than the other parent is male .

Of course it’s true that 98% of sex offenders are male. But that doesn't mean that 98% of men are abusers.

Some posters on here have decided that it’s high risk in case this 9 year old girl “ get tangled in her clothes “ and there isn’t a single girl or woman around in the changing village to help her .

I say this as a grown woman who got stuck in a wetsuit in a decathlon changing cubicle - trust me, there will be another girl or woman around to help her .

CloudPop · 20/12/2021 13:23

Dear me, what a world we live in 😢

HangingOutWithTheSandman · 20/12/2021 13:24

🤦🏻‍♀️ Her risk assessment included saying she trusted him completely and there’s less than zero chance of there being an issue.
And you believe random people on a forum who say they work in or have knowledge of child protection. They could literally be anyone.

SilkLabrador · 20/12/2021 13:32

Your husband is man? Yes? Is he worried that other parents judge him?

WaningMoon · 20/12/2021 13:39

I used to work in child protection/safeguarding and I would absolutely disagree that this is zero risk— And anyone saying that needs some refresher training!!

I said earlier on in this thread - although there is nothing to suggest this man would be a danger you need to listen to your DH’s instincts (as you would equally expect him to listen to yours) .

If DH is not comfortable then it should be a no.

One thing we do always try and impress upon parents is - listen to your instincts.

And no decent man would be fazed by you erring on the side of caution, if he is offended then he is an idiot.

refusetobeasheep · 20/12/2021 13:41

Well, sounds like your DP is on swimming journey duty from now on given you cannot join the carpool.

explodingeyes · 20/12/2021 13:44

@HangingOutWithTheSandman
OP asked for a second opinion. Several explain their rationale & background. It wasn't just one poster who said they had safeguarding training and this wouldn't hit any threshold. They can't all be in cohoots with the suspected peado offering to walk a child to a swim lesson and back with her mates once every three weeks.

ohdelay · 20/12/2021 13:58

I see his motivation as protective and that's good enough for me. Even if there is no threat in this situation, it's good he's keeping an eye out and being seen to do so.

explodingeyes · 20/12/2021 14:05

@WaningMoon I'm genuinely interested in which bit of the activity you see the risk in. I get that the DH just has a mistrust of other men / this man near his daughter but the level of contact is way lower than a million other activities and she's often gone to their house to play etc with no concerns raised.

Forsure69 · 20/12/2021 14:12

@Hertsgirl10 I was thinking the same!!

Honestly!! Taking away from sexual abuse, another reason I take my own kids places they need be because some (not all) parents are twats to their kids. I don't think I'm wrong in making sure twats parents won't be twats to my child.

fourdayholiday · 20/12/2021 14:21

Judging by the way some men drive, I'd say not unreasonable to be concerned for that reason in addition to safeguarding.

CiaoForDiNiaoSaur · 20/12/2021 14:22

@fourdayholiday

Judging by the way some men drive, I'd say not unreasonable to be concerned for that reason in addition to safeguarding.

Hes not driving.

Offmyfence · 20/12/2021 14:35

@fourdayholiday

Judging by the way some men drive, I'd say not unreasonable to be concerned for that reason in addition to safeguarding.

Judging by the way some women cannot read things that have been put around six times by the OP, I would worry about their ability to risk assess anything.

There is no driving involved!

saraclara · 20/12/2021 15:32

@fourdayholiday

Judging by the way some men drive, I'd say not unreasonable to be concerned for that reason in addition to safeguarding.

Good Lord. Do you equally accept men going on about ' women drivers'?

marcopront · 20/12/2021 15:43

@WaningMoon

I used to work in child protection/safeguarding and I would absolutely disagree that this is zero risk— And anyone saying that needs some refresher training!!

This man is already a trusted adult.
He is at the pool every other week while OP's DD is there and the Mum is in the cafe.

How does the risk change when he walks her to the pool with two other children?

LittleGwyneth · 20/12/2021 16:10

I am always shocked on these threads by the number of people who think that the best way to protect your child is to never let them have any contact with a male who isn't their father, ever. It's illogical for lots of reasons, not least because your partner, the father of this child, is as likely to be a pedophile as the friend in this story.

Why is it okay to prevent children from being around adults to avoid sexual abuse when we would never ask that of adult women?

Talk to your children about abuse, empower them to communicate with you if anything happens to them, make sure they know what is and isn't acceptable, and then let them live their lives. Being ruled by fear is illogical and is going to lead to extremely anxious adults who see predators around every single corner.

waterlego · 20/12/2021 16:13

Good Lord. Do you equally accept men going on about ' women drivers'?

Men cause more car accidents than women (even when you allow for the fact that men drive more than women).

Not relevant to this thread anyway, but an interesting fact nonetheless.

singingstones · 20/12/2021 16:57

@Ontheblink

I’m with your DP on this. I would not be sending my dd in this situation. Even if there is a 0.00001 chance of it happening, it’s a risk I would not be willing to take.

Presumably you would never let your DC travel by car then?

newname12345 · 20/12/2021 17:02

@LittleGwyneth Its even more illogical when research by the NSPCC estimate that around a third of child sexual abuse is by other children and young people rather than adults. So as you say its important to communicate with children about abuse in general.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 20/12/2021 17:22

Lol at the parents who would not allow their child to take part in any activity where there is a 0.00001 chance they might come to harm.

How does that work in practice? Do you allow them to leave the house and go to school? Because there’s always a chance a meteorite might fall and hit them on the way...

OP posts:

saraclara · 20/12/2021 18:06

I actually think this thread had become unhealthy. The paranoia is actually feeding into unhealthy parenting. Those who are not allowing healthy social development and independence in their children are having their irrational anxiety confirmed and encouraged by other posters. This behaviour is rare in real life, but where friends and family might encourage someone out of that over protectiveness, the internet, in the form of mumsnet, is actually feeding it.

I really worry for the children of some posters here, who are being primed for anxiety disorders themselves.

Samsung37 · 20/12/2021 18:08

Sounds to me like you didn’t really want to hear anyone else’s opinion if it differs from your own. Describing those with alternative views to you as ‘batshit’ says a lot about you and your willingness to take other valid views into account. Upshot is your partner has concerns and you must respect those concerns, and I personally see his POV. I too have worked in roles where I have seen the reality of child abuse, and that makes me extra cautious with my children. That doesn’t make me batshit by the way. I have an 8-y-o daughter who has swimming lessons and I personally would want either myself or my husband to be there when dressing/undressing. Fact is you never truly know someone 100% and I’m not willing to take that chance, no matter how small. If you don’t want to hear people’s opinions (particularly those that aren’t in line with your own, apparently) then don’t post on here asking for views! Simple.

marcopront · 20/12/2021 19:17

@Samsung37

Have you read your the OP's posts where she says no one other than her DD will be there during the dressing and undressing?

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