Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

240 replies

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 14:20

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 18/12/2021 19:03

Just why, again, is any group of 22 people planning to be together in 1 house for Christmas?

On Wednesday DH and I were supposed to be having dinner with about 20 other people in a house. We are all triple jabbed. We all agreed to postpone.

OP's grandma is behaving irresponsibly.

ancientgran · 18/12/2021 19:04

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@ancientgran

Isn’t the other house the mother’s? She has poor mental health and is a hoarder so that’s probably not a possible venue. It’s just a tricky situation.

@notanothertakeaway

Selfish to host last year with restrictions? Yes. It’s not really selfish to celebrate This year IMO. People know the risks, those that want to be vaccinated are, the people in this instance sound like that have nowhere else to go really. I don’t think it’s selfish to visit family and I don’t think my family gathering of 8 is any better than theirs of 22, because who decides which arbitrary number is the cut off for “acceptable”?[/quote]
No she said the uncle has a house not far away. I think she said it's bigger as well.

notanothertakeaway · 18/12/2021 19:07

@A580Hojas

Just why, again, is any group of 22 people planning to be together in 1 house for Christmas?

On Wednesday DH and I were supposed to be having dinner with about 20 other people in a house. We are all triple jabbed. We all agreed to postpone.

OP's grandma is behaving irresponsibly.

Yes, it's ridiculous to host 22 people, multiple households

I do sometimes wonder if people watch the news....

blackcurrantjam · 18/12/2021 19:09

If I were you, which I'm not Flowers, I would do the following:

Short term:

Get some serious immune help
1000mg vitamin c
Turmeric
Vitamin d
Ginger
PLENTY fluids
PLENTY healthy food, fruit and veg

Medium term / Christmas itself
Put a mask on
Spend time in garden
Head held high
Shoulders back
Take ur chances against the covid with above vitamins as ammo
Eat plenty of the good food that's healthy
Wash hands plenty
Repeat 'im going to live a long and happy life' in head
Tbh if you have a two year old and work perhaps said two year old goes to nursery so you're as much at risk there as from a Crimbo party

Long term
Get the fuck out of Dodge asap move out
Get an education if you haven't already got one - not your fault - you left college to help your nan - bravo - but you need to go to top of list
Your story suggests you're liable to be a bit of a caretaker - mum, nan, abusive ex, but you're left without any power and you need to take some of it back and be selfish

YOU HAVE GOT THIS.

Crabapple04 · 18/12/2021 19:10

Yes I do also think it's bonkers to host that many people and several households mixing indoors.....

steff13 · 18/12/2021 19:25

It doesn't really matter whether we think your grandmother's being selfish or not. She's going to do what she's going to do so you need to figure out what to do in the situation that you're in. Could your mother lend you some money to go to a hotel? Do you have any friends you could go to?

Crazycrazylady · 18/12/2021 19:30

Op
Honestly I sympathise to an extent . I think your tone is quite belligerent though which is why you're getting a hard time on here
You clearly totally expect her to cancel because of your wishes ( which I get ) but I think it's the fact that you haven't mentioned her feelings at all.. it's like they're totally secondary to your wishes even though it's hers house and she is putting you up. Lots of elderly people live for their family gatherings at Xmas and it must be hard for her to face giving that up because of her good deed even I agree she should.

2Rebecca · 18/12/2021 19:52

OP is already ill. oP has an infection unlike any of the other guests. OP is the one who is likely to spread infection. Not sure why OP is getting concerned about a maybe viral infection other guests MAY pick up when she has been diagnosed with a treatment resistant pneumonia. I'd be refusing to go to granny's to avoid the infectious OP if I was planning to go there

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 20:05

@ancientgran
Good point!

2Rebecca · 18/12/2021 20:26

Someone with a bacterial pneumonia is not at risk of getting an infection they are at risk of transmitting one. They already have an infectious disease. The OP should be self isolating until the infection is clear. Different if the OP had lung cancer or was immunosuppressed. She is the one coughing up bacteria but is trying to say other people are a health risk to her. It's mad.

LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 20:30

@2Rebecca

Someone with a bacterial pneumonia is not at risk of getting an infection they are at risk of transmitting one. They already have an infectious disease. The OP should be self isolating until the infection is clear. Different if the OP had lung cancer or was immunosuppressed. She is the one coughing up bacteria but is trying to say other people are a health risk to her. It's mad.
Because of course it would be impossible to catch covid on top of pneumonia Hmm

Wtaf? Why would you think she couldn't catch covid as well? What do you think catching covid on top of OP's existing illness is going to do? If OP's family are concerned that it is actually her who is the risk to everyone's health then maybe they would indeed like to stay away and allow her to isolate but they don't seem to be too worried.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 20:57

@2Rebecca

Someone with a bacterial pneumonia is not at risk of getting an infection they are at risk of transmitting one. They already have an infectious disease. The OP should be self isolating until the infection is clear. Different if the OP had lung cancer or was immunosuppressed. She is the one coughing up bacteria but is trying to say other people are a health risk to her. It's mad.
You can be infected with more than one thing you know?

And other people do have the choice of staying in their own home if they're concerned about how I might infect them, rather than expect me to hide myself away in the house I live in.

I'd quite like to stay in my home and not risk infecting other people and/or being infected by them too.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 18/12/2021 21:20

I think if you live in someone else's house then you have to live by their rules. It is probably a bit late to look at getting your own place, could you get a travelogue or similar?

I do think anyone going to a big gathering with older relatives without lft-ing before they go is being selfish.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/12/2021 21:20

*travreodge

Stompythedinosaur · 18/12/2021 21:21

Arrgh! Travelodge

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 21:30

I'd quite like to stay in my home and not risk infecting other people and/or being infected by them too

Sure but your home is actually
Your grandmother’s home predominately snd your uncle also lives there and they also get a say.

HowRudeolfYou · 18/12/2021 21:41

@Stompythedinosaur

I think if you live in someone else's house then you have to live by their rules. It is probably a bit late to look at getting your own place, could you get a travelogue or similar?

I do think anyone going to a big gathering with older relatives without lft-ing before they go is being selfish.

Op said she can't afford one because she's got no money.

I don't think there's a solution here really but I don't think the Op is freeloading pisstaking sponger some posters have implied she is. I don't think the gran is an arsehole either but I can totally see why the OP is anxious.

The first time I coughed up blood it was terrifying and when it doesn't get better for ages your start worrying it's something worse, in my case it was actually a lung condition that does make chest infections very regular. I didn't have a small child I was solely responsible for a small child as well as recovering from fleeing violence too. It's ok for her to be frustrated and worried imo.

HowRudeolfYou · 18/12/2021 21:42

I've sent you a PM op.

Pl242 · 18/12/2021 23:05

Well this post has got the vipers out hasn’t it. So sorry that you’re in this situation OP. YADNBU to feel how you feel here. I think your grandmother is generally unwise to be planning on such a gathering in current circumstances. But that is not the issue. You have health issues, you live there (regardless of it being her house her rules), you’ve expressed concerns. She doesn’t seem to understand or appreciate these concerns.

From what you’ve said about her attitude to covid and having had this gathering last year, against all rules, I suspect maybe she just doesn’t see the risk here for you. Perhaps feels you are overreacting etc?

I don’t think you can really hope to change her mind about the day she has planned. Maybe it’s worth restating your concerns and say you would go elsewhere for the day if there was an option or if you could afford it. Otherwise you’ll have to barricade yourself and your child in your room and ask to be left alone. Maybe she might reflect further if you put it bluntly in those terms? See how serious you are. Maybe pay for a hotel room for you if she’s set on seeing all these people in the house. I don’t know. But back up has to be staying in the room, however miserable that sounds.

Good luck, not just with Christmas but for the future. I have no experience of DV so won’t comment on what I don’t know about, but you sound incredibly tough. All the best to you.

Twinsmummy1812 · 18/12/2021 23:25

You seem to be in a really difficult position, I am sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment.

Unless your Nan will go to one of the others house you do sound a bit confined to your room. Stock up on snacks, download some movies and you and your baby have a duvet day xxx

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2021 23:25

I think YANBU.

You've got pneumonia. Yes her house her rules etc but personally I wouldnt want my rules to potentially make a close relative very seriously ill in my house, when it sounds like a. You have no other options of where to go and b. She has plenty of options of where to host xmas.

This thread is weird, I've seen threads where people have told posters who are CEV that they should chuck their adult children out of their house as the children are risking their parents health going out clubbing...but it's ok to invite 22 people who dont seem keen on doing lateral flow tests, into a house with a person who is probably currently CEV, when infections are far higher than they've ever been.

Have you sat down and had a chat with your nan and explained what would happen if you got ill and how worried you are for you and your son if you mix with everyone?

Saying that if she works in a hospital, the risk to your household is already quite high so maybe she doesn't see this as much different. I'd ask if she still wants to host it to ventilate the house and insist guests take lft beforehand to protect you

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 18/12/2021 23:28

Also people normally say 'my house my rules' over things like boyfriends staying over or where phones are kept overnight. Just because its someones house doesnt mean it's fine for them to put the health of someone who lives with them at risk

Emerald5hamrock · 18/12/2021 23:31

It'll be impossible to stay in your room with a 2 y.o.
I assume some of these guests are siblings, I'd go to one of their homes for the day.
You cannot expect GM to break tradition in her home.

Emerald5hamrock · 18/12/2021 23:39

OP are you eligible for homeless accommodation.
I'd pretend I'm covid positive. 😌
Fake a test with a pink marker.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 19/12/2021 00:33

OP, you sound like hard work. Simple solution… everyone arrives for Christmas, you say hellos, tag someone to keep an eye on your son so can play with cousins and not miss out, then head back to your room.

Dinner- if you feel up to it, eat dinner with the group,if not grab a plate and head to your room. Again tag a family member to keep an eye on child.

Rinse and repeat.

Look, no it’s not your fault you are in the situation you are in, but in the same token 23 other people shouldn’t be put out because of you. Your nan wants to host, and she gets to do that in her own home. Sorry it sucks that you are uncomfortable and inconvenienced, but that’s life in the big city.

Swipe left for the next trending thread