To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

[Couchbettato]

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

Her house her rules. That's the way it is. Find your own accommodation if you're not happy.

If I was your Grandmother, with a poorly Grandaughter who had just escaped a horrible situation, I wouldn't be hosting a huge Christmas get together. I hope things improve for you.

I think that everyone ages that the grandmother is not considering the op at all.

But we collectively can't do anything about that.

So offering practical suggestions

Of course they can make alternative Christmas plans. I mean they'd have to if my nan caught covid, every one would need to have a contingency plan. So I don't see why it's so unreasonable to ask people to be considerate.

So everyone else can easily make an alternative plan, and in fact should have had a contingency plan anyway in case Nan gets covid from work, and only you can’t. It’s up to everyone else to ‘be considerate’, even though they all agree it’s fine, but you don’t have to be considerate of them.

If that’s how you feel about it, you’re going to find yourself feeling very bitter, when actually you have plenty to be thankful for. You have a Nan and family who want to be around you and your child for Christmas. Even if that does come with a covid risk nowadays, it’s a risk anyway when you live with someone who works in a hospital and you have a child. You need to try and see this from a different perspective for the sake of your own peace.

YABU - sounds like you have a close knit family. Surely if you didn't want to participate in the day you and your DS could go to your parents house for the day?

This sounds crazy, if my dd/granddaughter had had pneumonia for this long I'd do everything possible to protect her....given however that your family clearly aren't gong to change their plans can you go to a hotel for the night £24 Travelodge rooms around here over Christmas. You'd have a room, a tiny bit of space and tv to entertain your toddler.

@chopc

YABU - sounds like you have a close knit family. Surely if you didn't want to participate in the day you and your DS could go to your parents house for the day?

My dad's dead and my mums a serial hoarder, has mental health issues so has issues keeping her house in order, and has cats and I'm allergic to them. Her house isn't safe. And I wouldn't be able to breathe.

I have said this before, but I can't go to my mum's.

I don’t know if I am reading this right but it sounds as though you were OK with the Christmas Day party to go ahead, until the Uncles Christmas party was mentioned. Sorry if I’ve got this wrong, but that is how it seemed to come across.

I’m sorry you are ill and hope you feel better soon.

@viques

I don’t know if I am reading this right but it sounds as though you were OK with the Christmas Day party to go ahead, until the Uncles Christmas party was mentioned. Sorry if I’ve got this wrong, but that is how it seemed to come across.

I’m sorry you are ill and hope you feel better soon.

I've not been ok with it, it's made me really anxious but I was hoping my antibiotics would have worked but now I'm on my third course.

I started my third course today, and also found out today that they're going to a large gathering which has made me panic really.

@mam0918

Why are you still living in a tiny box room with your child in someone else's house after having over a year to get back on your feet?

When you have an emergency (fleeing danger, house fire/flood, temporary homelessness etc...) and family takes you in it's normally for a few weeks/months until you can get on your feet, sort a job/savings/benefits and find another place of your own not for literally years.

There comes a point when you're taking the piss out of kindness and in situations like this one not really doing best by your kid either.

Unbelievably harsh and ignorant.

Sorry OP but yabu. The party is going ahead and your Nan wants it to. If you don’t like it then go elsewhere… cheap hotel, a friend’s house, walk the streets for four hours while they are there.
You can’t expect this party to be cancelled.
And your uncle didn’t do anything wrong.
If you don’t want to be there it’s up to you to
Come up with an alternative arrangement

I'm shocked by some of the attitudes here. If Op was staying with her grandmother to just save a bit of cash then I would understand some of the 'you're entitled' and 'she's very generous' posts but that isn't the situation.

The op and her son are vulnerable and yes, it is kind of her grandmother to take them in but isn't that what families should do? I would certainly hope that my family would do that for me and that I would offer a home to a relative in this situation.

Op is unwell and has a young dependent, she is not being unreasonable to worry about her health. Just because she is a guest doesn't mean that she shouldn't be concerned about the risks her grandmother is taking.

Op, you are not being unreasonable.

@Viviennemary

Her house her rules. That's the way it is. Find your own accommodation if you're not happy.

Nice.

@Pontypandytaxpayer

I'm shocked by some of the attitudes here. If Op was staying with her grandmother to just save a bit of cash then I would understand some of the 'you're entitled' and 'she's very generous' posts but that isn't the situation.

The op and her son are vulnerable and yes, it is kind of her grandmother to take them in but isn't that what families should do? I would certainly hope that my family would do that for me and that I would offer a home to a relative in this situation.

Op is unwell and has a young dependent, she is not being unreasonable to worry about her health. Just because she is a guest doesn't mean that she shouldn't be concerned about the risks her grandmother is taking.

Op, you are not being unreasonable.

Yes, I’d do the same for a close family member, but I wouldn’t let them decide who came in my house over a year after they moved in.

@Pontypandytaxpayer

OP being concerned = fine and reasonable. But that’s not how the posts read. The OP seems to expect 22 people to upend their Christmas for her, some of these people she doesn’t even speak to/get on with. Christmas is obviously a big deal for her grandmother - I get OP being worried but her health worries do not trump everyone else’s Christmas plans. She’s also been resistant to suggestions of other things to do. It’s a difficult situation but OP sounds pigheaded and that’s what makes her sound entitled.

@mam0918 exactly, it’s been going on for sometime. I wouldn’t mind helping someone out but 13 months in then l would have had enough quite frankly. That’s before we’ve even got to being told l can’t host Christmas how l want

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@mam0918 exactly, it’s been going on for sometime. I wouldn’t mind helping someone out but 13 months in then l would have had enough quite frankly. That’s before we’ve even got to being told l can’t host Christmas how l want[/quote]
You really have no clue. No clue at all.

I can't believe so many people think op is unreasonable. I could not enjoy Christmas knowing my sick relative is in the house, feeling awful and terrified about catching covid from me and dying. Leaving their toddler without a mother and potentially going back to a violent father.

People are so selfish, yet I bet they would cry at ops funeral!

As for those criticising about spending last Christmas there, she didn't have a choice. Ops gran was kind to take her in and return the favour op did when op took care of her sick grandad.

Op, I think you're so brave getting out of an abusive house and I wish you and your son all the best

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

But she has pneumonia which makes her higher risk for getting severely ill with Covid. She doesn't have anywhere else up go. If she catches Covid, she could end up in hospital.

@LumosSolem

Ignore the nastiness OP. You aren't selfish. Whatever the rights and wrongs, you aren't selfish.

I'd imagine the lack of empathy is because these posters cannot imagine the hell you have been through. And good- it's not a fun club to be in, is it. But it's actually really unpleasant to read. As if you wanted to be in this position.

I see no one really seems to imagine that perhaps you aren't some massive piss-taking inconvenience to your gran but that actually perhaps she was genuinely happy to help you and your DS- because she loves you and after you've been through she was probably relieved to be able to help and know you are safe. You aren't selfish for worrying about your health now. I know how it feels to be in your position, to feel like you have no control over your life because of what the abuser has done. It causes a massive scar and it is so, so difficult to get through.

well said.

@Pontypandytaxpayer

Fully understand. Which is why I understand her concern. But explain why the family members she doesn’t speak to/isn’t close to would care about that? The grandmother clearly doesn’t care about covid so won’t see the covid worry as real/serious/a reason to cancel her plans either. Can’t OP see this?

I would also add that everyone sounds like they are having a pretty bad time; I understand why this Christmas is important also to the mother with mental health issues. To the Uncle who is homeless. The uncle who lives there has to attend too.

@LumosSolem staying with someone for that long is realistically a hell of an imposition. The rule in our house is a couple of weeks max. In 13 months it’s not unreasonable to expect a deposit to saved for a rental property and someone to have moved on. If my fiancé would want someone staying that long and a toddler, then l most likely would have moved out. Like l said it’s a huge imposition. I’m just being honest and lm sure other people would feel the same. I appreciate the OP has had a hard time but she can’t stay at her grandmothers forever
My mother had a friend staying with her for a few months, it turned into 6 months and by the end she’d totally had enough.

I really feel for you OP.
I think your family sound very selfish. I also think the lack of compassion and empathy you have received on this thread from some posters is staggering. I am sure if those same posters found themselves in a similar situation to you they would think differently. People are very much ‘I’m alright jack’ these days sadly.
At the same time I don’t know what you can do about the situation. At the very least your family should do lateral flow tests before they attend. Maybe you should emphasise the fact that you might be contagious, because if they think they might catch something from you they might think differently. If I was you I would do everything you can to move out so you aren’t put in this situation again next year. I read some people say you are ‘lucky’ to have family who want to spend time with you, but I don’t think you are lucky to have them if they care so little about your health. It seems to me that your family care more about their Christmas plans, which isn’t the same thing.

@NorthSouthcatlady good thing for me my parents don't think like you then. Kind of feel sorry for your family if that's how you feel.

Have you ever actually experienced DV, and have any idea about the long term consequences?

If you have and you've somehow managed to do so much 'better' than me and the OP, then good for you, you're clearly so much better as a person aren't you!

If you haven't, you have no idea what you're talking about.