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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

240 replies

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 14:20

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

OP posts:
OkThenJustChill · 18/12/2021 15:39

Ah, ok. In that case I do think you just have to hide away in your room with some food. It sucks but I can't see any other option.

It sounds like she has been very good to you overall as I assume you aren't paying rent and have been there over a year. It does seem fair to me that you should make your own arrangements for one day out of all the days that she has to work around you as a guest in her home.

ancientgran · 18/12/2021 15:40

@Squeezita

I can't just move out for the day.

It’s not called ‘moving out’ when it’s just for a day.

So where should she got with a 2 year old on Christmas Day?

OP if you were my GD I'd cancel, someone else in the family can host. Not all old people are selfish. I hope you are OK.

CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 15:41

Is the DC's father making any financial contributions ?

Nocutenamesleft · 18/12/2021 15:41

It can be done

I spent days inside a tiny room with young kids when we fled to a house.

It takes planning. But it can br done.

ancientgran · 18/12/2021 15:41

@Squeezita

You don’t live with her, OP, you are a guest in her home.

Unless you pay rent/bills?

She's been living there for a year of course she lives there. My GS lives with me, he doesn't pay rent or bills as he's at sixth form college so has limited funds, he does work part time and buys clothes, pays travel etc but he can't pay rent. He still lives with me.
gospelsinger · 18/12/2021 15:42

We are having a family gathering after Christmas. We will all do lateral flows beforehand. No judgement on what people do or don't do with their lives, but taking a test is quite a simple request. Could you request family members do that?

ancientgran · 18/12/2021 15:43

@Nocutenamesleft

It can be done

I spent days inside a tiny room with young kids when we fled to a house.

It takes planning. But it can br done.

It would be hell with a 2 year old who could hear all his cousins having fun. I think the OP and her child have been through a really tough time and it would be nice if they had more than being shut in a boxroom for Christmas Day.
LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 15:43

@Nocutenamesleft

It can be done

I spent days inside a tiny room with young kids when we fled to a house.

It takes planning. But it can br done.

What sort of person wants their family member to spend Christmas Day of all days cooped up in one room, when they and the rest of the family have plenty of other options for having a nice Christmas themselves? Who could honestly enjoy themselves, doing that to a woman and her 2-year old child?
Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:44

@OkThenJustChill

Ah, ok. In that case I do think you just have to hide away in your room with some food. It sucks but I can't see any other option.

It sounds like she has been very good to you overall as I assume you aren't paying rent and have been there over a year. It does seem fair to me that you should make your own arrangements for one day out of all the days that she has to work around you as a guest in her home.

She has been very good to me all year.

But I will give myself some credit here.

I lived here all through my teenage years and dropped out of college so I could care for my housebound grandad so that she could continue to work and not have to worry about money and I expected no praise nor payment. So it's not something I've asked her to do out of the blue like we don't have a close relationship. I've lived with my nan more than I've lived with my own mother, and moved out shortly after my grandad died as I was no longer needed so I wasn't just a freeloader.

So if the roles were reversed and this was my nan that was I'll 100% I would make sure she was the priority because seeing people can always wait a few extra days or a few weeks.

I suppose that's probably the route of my hurt tbf.

OP posts:
user1471457751 · 18/12/2021 15:45

Given your nan works in a hospital, it's likely she will bring covid into the house herself. And really, you focus on your uncle's party but you attended a similar event at your nan's last year and will this year. It's a bit hypocritical to be angry at your uncle for going to another family parry.

OneRuleForThem · 18/12/2021 15:45

@Unsure33

Sorry but if I had. Pneumonia and I had selfish relatives who could have covid coming to the house and did not do LFT I would stay in box room or ask touse another room and eat chocolate and watch Christmas movies.

Then celebrate on Boxing Day .

Isn’t pneumonia contagious? (Just checked the NHS - yes it is). The OP should be isolating as much as possible, not coughing over people during a pandemic if it’s as bad as she says.
Scandisaurus · 18/12/2021 15:46

Hotel?

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:46

@gospelsinger

We are having a family gathering after Christmas. We will all do lateral flows beforehand. No judgement on what people do or don't do with their lives, but taking a test is quite a simple request. Could you request family members do that?
I have asked but I don't think they consider it a necessity
OP posts:
lovescats3 · 18/12/2021 15:47

If you are coughing up blood you need to ask your GP for a chest x-ray

CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 15:47

OP,
As it seems both you and your DC are at risk, how about you contact your Health Visitor and ask for advice?

Scandisaurus · 18/12/2021 15:48

Isn’t pneumonia contagious?

There are different types, one is contagious one isn’t, as far as I know.

Scandisaurus · 18/12/2021 15:50

I think it’s the mycoplasma bacteria that is contagious, but not 100% sure.

rubyglitter · 18/12/2021 15:50

Pneumonia can be contagious, which means others are more at risk from catching something from you. Do you go to work? Do you go shopping? If your nan works in a hospital then there’s a chance she can bring back viruses. If you’re so terrified of Covid then you need to live alone and not venture out during the day. You can’t expect everyone in your life to isolate before meeting you.

ancientgran · 18/12/2021 15:50

Your cough sounds awful, maybe all that phlegm will put them off and they will clear off quickly.

I'm sad that you are having such a tough time and that your family don't seem to care. I hope the doctor can get it sorted for you.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:51

@user1471457751

Given your nan works in a hospital, it's likely she will bring covid into the house herself. And really, you focus on your uncle's party but you attended a similar event at your nan's last year and will this year. It's a bit hypocritical to be angry at your uncle for going to another family parry.
I didn't attend any such party, I lived here then and I live here now. I didn't sign an RSVP. I fled domestic violence to the home I'd lived in most of my young life.

My choices were: go to house where there might be lots of other people, or, get choked to death with a young kid in the house.

I'm such a fucking hypocrite though for not staying put.

OP posts:
Nocutenamesleft · 18/12/2021 15:51

Oh mom not saying it’s going to be all giggles

Good god. When I fled DV. We were all put into a box room. There were 4 adults. 2 kids and a dog. This was also on 23rd December. Oh man. It was horrid. I was more thankful we all got out alive. More than anything. Where we stayed I was fed three times a day. I wasn’t in fear for my life. When someone finally takes away that fear you’ve got over your shoulders and actually makes out they care AND on top of that they feed you! Oh even though we had tk stay in this tiny tiny room. I was so happy. Because we did it. We’d got away.

Now of course. It’s not fun. It’s hard. But this is what I’d do and if I can. I’ll help OP any damn which way I can!

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:52

@rubyglitter

Pneumonia can be contagious, which means others are more at risk from catching something from you. Do you go to work? Do you go shopping? If your nan works in a hospital then there’s a chance she can bring back viruses. If you’re so terrified of Covid then you need to live alone and not venture out during the day. You can’t expect everyone in your life to isolate before meeting you.
I work from home. I don't go shopping.

If I could live alone I certainly wouldn't be relying on assistance from my grandmother almost 27 years into my life.

OP posts:
gospelsinger · 18/12/2021 15:53

"I have asked but I don't think they consider it a necessity"Sad

Egghead68 · 18/12/2021 15:53

Stay in your room

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 15:54

Difficult to do but you need to separate out how you feel- upset, let down and abandoned.

From practical steps for the day

So go and book a cheap hotel now for the day.

Then after Christmas calmly Talk to your gran about how hurt you were.

Then work out life plans and don't allow your gran to rely on you as much