To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

[Couchbettato]

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

I cannot believe some of the answers on this. The poor woman escaped DV, also by the sounds of it coercive control, so financially stuffed as well ( so no nice weekend break away in a hotel!!) It's a very difficult situation to get out of and doesn't just rectify itself in a year once you escape!
Mentally it's an ongoing battle - I don't have personal experience but friends who are dealing with this horrible situation.
Anyway I feel for you and having to deal with this during a pandemic can't be easy either as access to support for many things has sadly been made so much more difficult- financial, MH, legal, gp appointments., I could go on
Have you mentioned how you feel to your nan? She obviously realises you are ill. I'm being cautious myself for health reasons so I would feel just as uncomfortable with a houseful of people right now. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to say you don't think you can cope with it, or be rude either- talk to her, perhaps between you and the family you can come up with a solution for the day.
You're not unreasonable for expecting a little bit of understanding.

My first husband was abusive. That’s why l divorced him, fought for a decent financial settlement (he didn’t want to give me any of the money l put into our house -surprise surprise), moved addresses 3 times in 12 months, did a level 7 course and got a better job with more money. The divorce and legal advice were expensive

I’m not saying lm better. My perspective is people need to stand on their own 2 feet. Are you honestly saying OP should stay at grandmothers for ever and determine what goes on in that house? I appreciate she’s unwell but should a family build all of their plans round her? If had the option to have stayed with family then it would have been appreciated but no one lived close enough to work to do that or had the space. Plus it would have only ever been a stop gap

@gospelsinger

We are having a family gathering after Christmas. We will all do lateral flows beforehand. No judgement on what people do or don't do with their lives, but taking a test is quite a simple request. Could you request family members do that?

@gospelsinger

I think the sort of people who attended a gathering for 22 people at Christmas 2020, wish to attend Christnas for 22 now, and go for dinner with 37 people can't be trusted to do LFtests, or isolate if they're positive

Sorry, OP, but I think these people are idiots hosting / attending large events. And you can't reason with stupid

I think you'll need to take your own precautions to keep yourself safe and as healthy as possible

@NorthSouthcatlady

If my brother had had this attitude with me when our mum died then god knows how my life would have turned out.

This thread has made me very appreciate of my family.

@NorthSouthcatlady

My first husband was abusive. That’s why l divorced him, fought for a decent financial settlement (he didn’t want to give me any of the money l put into our house -surprise surprise), moved addresses 3 times in 12 months, did a level 7 course and got a better job with more money. The divorce and legal advice were expensive

I’m not saying lm better. My perspective is people need to stand on their own 2 feet. Are you honestly saying OP should stay at grandmothers for ever and determine what goes on in that house? I appreciate she’s unwell but should a family build all of their plans round her? If had the option to have stayed with family then it would have been appreciated but no one lived close enough to work to do that or had the space. Plus it would have only ever been a stop gap

Yep, been through, and going through the same- I cannot get my financial settlement either.

At what point did I say OP should stay at her grandmother's 'forever'? Your suggestion is that people should stand on their own two feet- is moving out the only measure of 'standing on your own two feet' after fleeing DV?

Stop judging everyone by what you have done yourself. You have no idea the long term effects on other people. For two years after leaving my ex, I was having to contact the police about aspects of his behaviour. I was genuinely scared to live on my own with DC, fearing what he could do.

Like I said, I'm glad my family take a different view and I certainly would with my own DC, heaven forbid they ever end up in the same situation as me.

Bless you OP. Sounds like an incredibly difficult year.
Are you open to your local homeless prevention officer or women's aid? It may be worth discussing your difficulties with them. There may be a grant that could help you to pay for a bed and breakfast for a couple of days.

[quote NorthSouthcatlady]@LumosSolem staying with someone for that long is realistically a hell of an imposition. The rule in our house is a couple of weeks max. In 13 months it’s not unreasonable to expect a deposit to saved for a rental property and someone to have moved on. If my fiancé would want someone staying that long and a toddler, then l most likely would have moved out. Like l said it’s a huge imposition. I’m just being honest and lm sure other people would feel the same. I appreciate the OP has had a hard time but she can’t stay at her grandmothers forever
My mother had a friend staying with her for a few months, it turned into 6 months and by the end she’d totally had enough.[/quote]
It sounds like her grandmother has been like a mother to her, she's lived over half her life with her. So would you think it was an imposition to have your child move in with you? My children aren't an imposition to me and neither are my grandchildren, even the one who is living with me. He isn't an imposition, he's a teenager who needs somewhere to live and someone to care, just like the OP.

It sounds like her grandmother has been like a mother to her, she's lived over half her life with her. So would you think it was an imposition to have your child move in with you? My children aren't an imposition to me and neither are my grandchildren, even the one who is living with me. He isn't an imposition, he's a teenager who needs somewhere to live and someone to care, just like the OP.

It's almost as if, SHOCK HORROR- family are happy to help each other and actually it isn't a dreadful imposition to have a vulnerable child/grandchild live with you. And actually it can be positive and beneficial in ways for all involved, and not every family member who falls on dreadful times is taking the piss by daring to stay longer than a couple of weeks.

God op, some people on here are just awful, and so ignorant. Bit of classism too I expect!!!!

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say well done on escaping, and I hope everything turns out well for you.

@11GrumpsaGrumping

God op, some people on here are just awful, and so ignorant. Bit of classism too I expect!!!!

I don't have any advice, I just wanted to say well done on escaping, and I hope everything turns out well for you.

Thank you. It's hard getting out and based on some of the commenters here I can see why some abused women never reach out for help.

Because we're all clearly an imposition. Better to stay put and better the devil you know.

It's hard getting out and it can be just as hard trying to rebuild.

I will never, ever get back to what I was beforehand. I'm doing okay-ish but I have been robbed of so much by my ex and it hurts, every day.

Sorry for the derail OP. I just think some of the comments you've had have been awful and I hope you're able to brush off the ignorance.

I think the issue of the Christmas/covid/pneumonia does not need to be conflated with domestic violence. They are separate. My mother was a victim of horrendous DV and I grew up with it (fortunately not for as many years as my elder siblings as she left him) and I have a lot of appreciation for sufferers of DV. I’ve also been in a pretty hairy relationship where I was strangled a few times/scared. Of course it’s reasonable to expect family support IF THAT IS WHAT YOUR FAMILY IS LIKE. @LumosSolem you seem to prattle on about feelings and want to be understood but don’t understand whatsoever that not everyone has loving or kind families who will help. Where is your understanding there?

Being dealt a crappy hand is not a catch all excuse. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to consider other people’s feelings. That’s why it’s not relevant to this thread. The pneumonia and covid is.

@Justheretoaskaquestion91 what on earth? That literally makes no sense whatsoever. Of course not everyone has family that wants to or is able to help. Which is really sad and thank god that people like women's aid to help. But if there is family able to help, why on earth wouldn't they?

I defended the OP when a bunch of posters decided to jump on to try to make out that the OP was entitled and taking the piss for living at her grandmother's. Which in the first instance- was unrelated to the issues about her illness and what to do about Christmas. But they still wanted to find ways to criticise, when she has made clear the only reason she is there is because of the DV she has experienced. Anyone who wants to criticise the OP and basically imply she is an entitled freeloader in those circumstances is an arsehole.

*people like womens aid exist to help that should read

@LumosSolem

But I don’t understand why the grandmother wanting to host her annual Christmas party makes her an arsehole or selfish? As I said in a previous post I don’t think she thinks covid is a genuine concern based on OP’s comments so won’t see the risk to the OP. And many of her family members are vulnerable and need support and somewhere to go on Christmas. I don’t think it’s cut and dry. I’m not saying OP is a freeloader but I think it’s deeply unreasonable to think her own needs come before everyone else’s; it doesn’t make the grandmother or family unreasonable to disagree with this either.

I feel for you OP, but I don't see why your grandmother should curtail her Christmas party either. You need to get creative in terms of finding somewhere else you can be on the day.

I don't think the grandmother is selfish or an arsehole at all @Justheretoaskaquestion91.

I think the issue about Christmas is really difficult. The grandmother isn't selfish at all for wanting to have a nice Xmas with all the family- she sounds like she does an awful lot for all the family. The OP isn't selfish for being concerned about her health either. Rather than saying that neither of them are selfish, posters quite early on this thread wanted to call the OP selfish instead rather than empathise even with both the grandmother and OP. OP has had an awful time- as has her grandmother too. I pointed out that as part of the wider family I couldn't enjoy myself knowing that my presence was causing the OP to be isolated in her room with a toddler at Xmas.

I don't think either the OP or grandmother are selfish. It would be good if the wider family could help facilitate some kind of compromise like have the big family do at someone else's house, or everyone do LFT's (which they appear to not consider that important).

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@LumosSolem

But I don’t understand why the grandmother wanting to host her annual Christmas party makes her an arsehole or selfish? As I said in a previous post I don’t think she thinks covid is a genuine concern based on OP’s comments so won’t see the risk to the OP. And many of her family members are vulnerable and need support and somewhere to go on Christmas. I don’t think it’s cut and dry. I’m not saying OP is a freeloader but I think it’s deeply unreasonable to think her own needs come before everyone else’s; it doesn’t make the grandmother or family unreasonable to disagree with this either.[/quote]
@Justheretoaskaquestion91

TBH, I think anyone who hosts a christnas dinner for 22 people right now is a selfish arsehole. Some people must live under a rock

*Thank you It's hard getting out and based on some of the commenters here I can see why some abused women never reach out for help

Because we're all clearly an imposition Better to stay put and better the devil you know*

Completely irrelevant to your AIBU though...

[quote Justheretoaskaquestion91]@LumosSolem

But I don’t understand why the grandmother wanting to host her annual Christmas party makes her an arsehole or selfish? As I said in a previous post I don’t think she thinks covid is a genuine concern based on OP’s comments so won’t see the risk to the OP. And many of her family members are vulnerable and need support and somewhere to go on Christmas. I don’t think it’s cut and dry. I’m not saying OP is a freeloader but I think it’s deeply unreasonable to think her own needs come before everyone else’s; it doesn’t make the grandmother or family unreasonable to disagree with this either.[/quote]
There is another family member's house nearby, they could all get together there, the gran could still cook, why should it be such a big deal to say we are having it at uncles this year as OP is ill and we need to give her a quiet safe day. It would be difficult if the meet up could only happen at the grandmother's but that isn't the case.

Unfortunately you are a guest in her home and she can do what she pleases in her home.

You should try isolate in your room or find somewhere you can go instead.

@LumosSolem

It sounds like her grandmother has been like a mother to her, she's lived over half her life with her. So would you think it was an imposition to have your child move in with you? My children aren't an imposition to me and neither are my grandchildren, even the one who is living with me. He isn't an imposition, he's a teenager who needs somewhere to live and someone to care, just like the OP.

It's almost as if, SHOCK HORROR- family are happy to help each other and actually it isn't a dreadful imposition to have a vulnerable child/grandchild live with you. And actually it can be positive and beneficial in ways for all involved, and not every family member who falls on dreadful times is taking the piss by daring to stay longer than a couple of weeks.

It can indeed be positive. Having a teenager here has given me a new lease of life. I'm my husband's carer and the lockdowns were hard and at least if we have another one I have someone who can help out a bit and to chat and have a netflix evening with. OK he eats me out of house and home but that's just teenage boys for you.

@Chely

Unfortunately you are a guest in her home and she can do what she pleases in her home.

You should try isolate in your room or find somewhere you can go instead.

Yes she can do what she likes, that doesn't mean she should. If OP gets seriously ill I wonder what her gran will think then? Will a Christmas get together be worth it?

If OP gets seriously ill I wonder what her gran will think then? Will a Christmas get together be worth it?

Well it her decision to make. I'm sure she knows the risks .

@ancientgran

Isn’t the other house the mother’s? She has poor mental health and is a hoarder so that’s probably not a possible venue. It’s just a tricky situation.

@notanothertakeaway

Selfish to host last year with restrictions? Yes. It’s not really selfish to celebrate This year IMO. People know the risks, those that want to be vaccinated are, the people in this instance sound like that have nowhere else to go really. I don’t think it’s selfish to visit family and I don’t think my family gathering of 8 is any better than theirs of 22, because who decides which arbitrary number is the cut off for “acceptable”?