To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

[Couchbettato]

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

YABU, are you seriously expecting 37 people change their plans and lose money for one person’s sake?

Your grandma has been kind enough to offer you a home, it’s not fair to burden her with your displeasure. She’s got enough on her plate hosting 22 people (especially if she has to cook for them too)..

Can you not go to your mum’s house if you don’t want to be in the same house as everyone else?

I’m sorry about what you went through with the DV, glad you left the bastard

It's not about what others think is right though.

If it was me then actually yes I would cancel.

But you can't decide for her that it's getting cancelled if that's not what she wants. It's not your decision no matter how unreasonable you or anyone else feels she is.

Should she? It would be the most thoughtful thing, yes

Must she? No.

It's a tricky situation, but I agree with others that the risk is high simply from being such a large party. Even if your uncle cancelled his thing that would still be the case. You can't ask 22 people all to isolate between now and Christmas (and if you did ask them it sounds like they'd ignore you anyway) so you have to make a personal decision whether to attend or to spend the day in your room.

Anybody going to a gathering of 22 people this Xmas isn't going to be the cautious type, so I doubt it's just your uncle doing mass socialising beforehand.

Tbh I’d be working on the assumption that someone present on Christmas Day will have Covid. It’s absolutely everywhere. Are you triple jabbed?

I can't just move out for the day.

It’s not called ‘moving out’ when it’s just for a day.

If they're all going to your Nan's house for the day can't you go and hang out with your DS at one of their empty houses for the day?

I don't know what the alternative is. What would you like them all to do?

@Sirzy

Sorry I don’t think anyone in a household hosting 22 this year and last is in a position to judge anyone!

Absolutely Im gobsmacked at your grandmother op b

That's a good idea about swapping houses with one of the other guests for the day.

Oh wait, do you actually mean that she hosted 22 people in December 2020? If so, this whole thread seems a bit pointless. You were a lot more at risk of getting badly ill then than you are now. Also, if you’ve lived there more than a year with your baby-then-toddler then I’m a bit incredulous you’d call her selfish for anything she wants to do in her own house.

@ICalledYouLastNightFromGlasgow

Could you swap houses with another attendee for the day? So spend the day in someone else's house to avoid it but not be stuck in your room?

They're all somewhat local but there's a few reasons why I wouldn't be able to stay in their house. For my mum's it's that her house isn't really safe for kids due to her poor mental health and she's got cats and I'm allergic.

One of my uncles is homeless/in sheltered accomodation due to mental health issues, the other lives with us, and the last is the one who is going out and he doesn't let any one in his house unless he's there. Don't really get on with my cousins. Always had a very forced relationship.

I won’t vote in your poll because whilst I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to want to risk your health further, I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for your extended family to attend Christmas Day if they’re invited.

It’s really your gran you should be cross at, tbh, because she’s the one who lives with you, sees how unwell you are on a day to day basis, and is still happy to invite 22 people round in a respiratory pandemic - when her own husband died of similar.

You can’t ask people not to come.
So all you can do, if worried, is isolate yourself.
It may be extremely inconvenient and impractical but that’s all you can do - look for a solution to isolate yourself, ask your gran to be in charge of 2-year-old.

You can’t expect your uncles wife to miss out on seeing her family for their Christmas so you get to have yours.

Just because it’s your tradition, this maybe hers. I think it’s your problem to sort out to be honest. I think it’s a very entitled attitude.

@IncompleteSenten

It's not about what others think is right though.

If it was me then actually yes I would cancel.

But you can't decide for her that it's getting cancelled if that's not what she wants. It's not your decision no matter how unreasonable you or anyone else feels she is.

Should she? It would be the most thoughtful thing, yes

Must she? No.

Right? This was what my post is about. Thanks for getting it.

Your grandma has been kind enough to offer you a home, it’s not fair to burden her with your displeasure.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, it's hardly 'burdening her with displeasure' for the OP to have genuine concerns over her health.

Very little understanding from other posters on this thread of what it is actually like to rely on the generosity of family when fleeing DV. OP I've been in your shoes and know the multiple ways it can be difficult 💐 All my adult life I was independent, had my own home. My ex was abusive and I lost my home because of this, and had to move in with my parents. They have been wonderful. It's very difficult to deal with all I've lost, all that I've been through. This wasn't what I envisaged- my parents don't make me feel like I should feel fortunate to have their help and that I'm an imposition, which some of this thread appear to think.

Everyone is making sacrifices to protect vulnerable relatives at the moment

They’re really not.

I don’t think you’re interested in a solution, OP, it sounds like you want everyone to change their plans to suit you and that’s not realistic, given it doesn’t sound like you’re particularly close to them.

I'm not sure what you want them to do op.

There's no point in asking your uncle to cancel his other big family so if you're then going to spend Xmas day with 22 people, who presumably have been going about their daily lives, kids in school etc.

Do you want your Nan to cancel everyone coming?

@NoSquirrels

I won’t vote in your poll because whilst I don’t think you’re unreasonable not to want to risk your health further, I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for your extended family to attend Christmas Day if they’re invited.

It’s really your gran you should be cross at, tbh, because she’s the one who lives with you, sees how unwell you are on a day to day basis, and is still happy to invite 22 people round in a respiratory pandemic - when her own husband died of similar.

You can’t ask people not to come.
So all you can do, if worried, is isolate yourself.
It may be extremely inconvenient and impractical but that’s all you can do - look for a solution to isolate yourself, ask your gran to be in charge of 2-year-old.

I am quite upset with my nan.

Last year I fled my husband at the end of November, beginning of December. I didn't really get a say in anything Christmas last year. I just choked back tears all day and smiled for the kids. I'd stayed away from my family the entire pandemic up until that point when I needed them.

I start my day by coughing up a cup of phlegm and blood and being breathless for hours afterwards.

I've no where else to go.

@LumosSolem

Your grandma has been kind enough to offer you a home, it’s not fair to burden her with your displeasure.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, it's hardly 'burdening her with displeasure' for the OP to have genuine concerns over her health.

Very little understanding from other posters on this thread of what it is actually like to rely on the generosity of family when fleeing DV. OP I've been in your shoes and know the multiple ways it can be difficult 💐 All my adult life I was independent, had my own home. My ex was abusive and I lost my home because of this, and had to move in with my parents. They have been wonderful. It's very difficult to deal with all I've lost, all that I've been through. This wasn't what I envisaged- my parents don't make me feel like I should feel fortunate to have their help and that I'm an imposition, which some of this thread appear to think.

OP says her grandma won’t cancel Christmas dinner so it sounds like OP has broached her about it. If that’s the case then I think this burdening the grandmother. She has enough to worry about.

It’s got nothing to do with making OP feel like an imposition, this goes for anyone living in anyone else’s home.

@MrBigTiger

I'm not sure what you want them to do op.

There's no point in asking your uncle to cancel his other big family so if you're then going to spend Xmas day with 22 people, who presumably have been going about their daily lives, kids in school etc.

Do you want your Nan to cancel everyone coming?

Well wouldn't you? If you were living with a relative who was unwell, would you make concrete plans and increase the risk of covid?

Of course I think she's being selfish.

No one needs to cancel their meal with the other family, but it's selfish to carry on with Christmas plans at this rate

You don’t live with her, OP, you are a guest in her home.

Unless you pay rent/bills?

If my granddaughter had pneumonia and was vulnerable and stuck without any other options I'd be suggesting one of the 22 people could host.

They can be together elsewhere.

@Squeezita and the OP hasn't got enough to be worried about?

Last year I fled my husband at the end of November, beginning of December. I didn't really get a say in anything Christmas last year. I just choked back tears all day and smiled for the kids. I'd stayed away from my family the entire pandemic up until that point when I needed them.

@Couchbettato I'm so sorry 💐 your update has really touched a nerve with me. I was able to get away from my ex 18 months before the pandemic- I can't imagine how much harder it was for you dealing with this in 2020.

YANBU to feel disappointed and trapped. I'm just not sure what you can do if you can't/won't isolate/go elsewhere/advocate for cancellation.

One of the hardest things thus year seems to be balancing what we are allowed to do (and what we want to do) with what we should do.