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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

240 replies

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 14:20

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

OP posts:
OGenkiDesuKa · 18/12/2021 15:55

As you’re going to be around your grandma who will be in contact with them, I dint really see the issue with everyone being around your son. Let him enjoy the day while you isolate in bed.

TempName01 · 18/12/2021 16:00

Off topic but you mentioned your grandad also had pneumonia, is there something about the house that could have caused or exacerbated this?
I think they are all being selfish putting you at risk when they could host at one of theirs instead.

mumof2exhausted · 18/12/2021 16:02

Sorry but in a 3 bed council house your Nan hosted 22 people in the middle of pandemic / lockdown last year. Ha ha no-one here cares about covid safety.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 16:02

She could do Christmas at someone else's house, which is much bigger and easier for every one to get to, but she doesn't want to do that.

It’s not that simple though, is it? Your ban can’t force someone else to host 22 people. Has anyone else offered?

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 16:03

Er yes, you are being very unreasonable. You can’t expect your entire family to change the way they do Christmas because of your chest infection.

Either you stay in your room or you ask if you can go stay in one of your relatives houses while the party goes on.

Am ignoring Covid here, but as the party happened last year also, I guess none of you are bothered about that.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 16:04

@TempName01

Off topic but you mentioned your grandad also had pneumonia, is there something about the house that could have caused or exacerbated this? I think they are all being selfish putting you at risk when they could host at one of theirs instead.
It's possible it could be the house. Often joke my nannan is a lizard person. House always 25°c+ and my nannan hates draughts so the windows are never open. Lots of condensation. Not any mould though as far as I've noticed.

But my grandad was just on so many steroids from his COPD it was easy for a cold to easily progress to pneumonia.

OP posts:
Scandisaurus · 18/12/2021 16:05

A friend of mine often had pneumonia, and a cough. Turned out, after years of her being ill, that it was caused by the building she was working in.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 16:06

@mumof2exhausted

Sorry but in a 3 bed council house your Nan hosted 22 people in the middle of pandemic / lockdown last year. Ha ha no-one here cares about covid safety.
Yes, quite. Except those of us who live here out of necessity. Which is rather my point about people being selfish.
OP posts:
AshLane · 18/12/2021 16:06

An you book an overnight stay for you and your two year old. There are quite a lot of cancellations around?

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/12/2021 16:07

@Dishwashersaurous

Difficult to do but you need to separate out how you feel- upset, let down and abandoned.

From practical steps for the day

So go and book a cheap hotel now for the day.

Then after Christmas calmly Talk to your gran about how hurt you were.

Then work out life plans and don't allow your gran to rely on you as much

This might be a bit tone deaf PP

Hotels aren’t cheap at Christmas / if the OP is living w her 2 year old in her granny’s box room, I am pretty sure a hotel room is not an option..

CarrotVan · 18/12/2021 16:09

Last year your gran had a party with 3-4 households (including you in her household) when it was not allowed?

This year she plans to do the same when it is allowed but part of her household is unwell

To be honest if you’re that ill have the day mostly in bed and the others can look after your son.

We’re a houseful for Christmas dinner but only 2 households and we’re all doing LFTs

It’s not unreasonable to ask people to do an LFT ahead of the gathering

mam0918 · 18/12/2021 16:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 16:12

If you are living in someone else's council house in a box room then I find it hard to believe that you can 'work from home'

That aside you really need to contact the Council as it seems you are overcrowded.

GrapefruitGin · 18/12/2021 16:16

I don’t know why you bothered posting. You’ve decided you’re not in the wrong, nothing will change that opinion. You’re finding a problem with every suggestion given to you.

AD80 · 18/12/2021 16:23

YANBU to be worried op, but I don't think there's much you can do. They are all within their rights to mix and socialise leading up to your large family Christmas albeit a bit selfish of them. I can totally understand your frustration.

Lateral flows aren't all that good either. They can be of use but not always accurate. For instance Dp went on a course with a colleague. Colleague wasn't feeling well but had dome an lft which was negative. Turns out it was covid and sorted it to dp and now me and the kids have it. My point being lft tests aren't always the answer before and after mixing with people.

Is there anywhere you can stay on Christmas Day? I know in op you are living at your grandmothers after escaping DV but is there just somewhere you could stay away from her house just for the day?

I really hope your chest clears up soon!

I had this dilemma last year. We were due to spend Christmas at in laws. All her younger but still grown up children don't have kids and were out partying between tiers, having people to stay etc. I was worried sick. Thankfully we did not catch covid.

LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 16:30

@mam0918

Why are you still living in a tiny box room with your child in someone else's house after having over a year to get back on your feet?

When you have an emergency (fleeing danger, house fire/flood, temporary homelessness etc...) and family takes you in it's normally for a few weeks/months until you can get on your feet, sort a job/savings/benefits and find another place of your own not for literally years.

There comes a point when you're taking the piss out of kindness and in situations like this one not really doing best by your kid either.

Have you actually been through the kind of hell that the OP has been through? It can cause so many kind of practical problems, but more than that, the emotional distress, all kinds of issues- it doesn't just disappear.

You know what, even if you have, well good for you if you were in a position to not 'take the piss', as you so charmingly put it Hmm

Not everyone is. I thought that generally these days that people are different, they have different reactions to situations etc. but responses like yours suggest we really aren't making any progress at all in having empathy and understanding towards all kinds of situations.

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 16:31

I know that even a cheap hotel will be expensive.

But she doesn't want to stay in her room all day.

She had no where to go.

Any alternatives

LethargicActress · 18/12/2021 16:31

You keep calling your Nan and family selfish for not doing what you want them to do, but what makes them any more selfish than you?

If you get your way, 22 people have to have their second choice Christmas. If your Nan gets her way, only one person has to have their second choice Christmas.

Seeing as your Nan is already being generous by letting you live with her, it would be very churlish of you to try and make her feel guilty just for wanting to have her family round at Christmas.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 16:31

@CheshireKitten123

If you are living in someone else's council house in a box room then I find it hard to believe that you can 'work from home'

That aside you really need to contact the Council as it seems you are overcrowded.

Council contacted, had idas support, letters of recommendation from the health visitor about unsuitable living conditions, etc. None of that is going to right my situation before Christmas.

And regardless of what you believe. With half my old house in boxes in my room, I am able to work from home.

OP posts:
Anybridget7 · 18/12/2021 16:33

Without a doubt you are the selfish one OP. Get a grip.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 16:37

@LethargicActress

You keep calling your Nan and family selfish for not doing what you want them to do, but what makes them any more selfish than you?

If you get your way, 22 people have to have their second choice Christmas. If your Nan gets her way, only one person has to have their second choice Christmas.

Seeing as your Nan is already being generous by letting you live with her, it would be very churlish of you to try and make her feel guilty just for wanting to have her family round at Christmas.

I suppose it is selfish to want people to change their plans so I don't end up even more ill.

I'm frankly not in the mood for Christmas. I just don't want to be ill any more. And I don't want to be any worse off for it. It's very "I'm alright jack, pull the ladder up".

Of course they can make alternative Christmas plans. I mean they'd have to if my nan caught covid, every one would need to have a contingency plan. So I don't see why it's so unreasonable to ask people to be considerate.

OP posts:
CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 16:37

"And regardless of what you believe. With half my old house in boxes in my room, I am able to work from home."

So what do you actually do, OP, when you WFH and where do you do it?

LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 16:40

Ignore the nastiness OP. You aren't selfish. Whatever the rights and wrongs, you aren't selfish.

I'd imagine the lack of empathy is because these posters cannot imagine the hell you have been through. And good- it's not a fun club to be in, is it. But it's actually really unpleasant to read. As if you wanted to be in this position.

I see no one really seems to imagine that perhaps you aren't some massive piss-taking inconvenience to your gran but that actually perhaps she was genuinely happy to help you and your DS- because she loves you and after you've been through she was probably relieved to be able to help and know you are safe. You aren't selfish for worrying about your health now. I know how it feels to be in your position, to feel like you have no control over your life because of what the abuser has done. It causes a massive scar and it is so, so difficult to get through.

ivykaty44 · 18/12/2021 16:40

what do you want to happen?

LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 16:42

@ivykaty44

what do you want to happen?
I imagine OP wanted to vent whilst feeling thoroughly fed up with the way everything has gone for her (and understandably so) and felt it was better to do it here than say anything that would cause a rift with her gran.