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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

240 replies

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 14:20

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

OP posts:

ElectraBlue · 18/12/2021 15:12

You can't control what other people do but you can control your own behaviour.

Meaning if you are concerned, stay in room and don't mix...

It is equally selfish to expect everyone else to do what you want them to do.

You have to accept it is not your home and that you can't control what happens in it.

Original poster

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:13

@Walkingthedog46

OP, With so many people coming to your grandmother’s house where you are saying, might it be possible for you to ‘get lost in the crowd’ and not be noticed if you slipped away to your room for lengthy periods of time and only appear now and then (wearing a mask - saying it is to protect the others from your cough!)

I think that's the way it'll have to be tbh.

But I'm still scared.

My uncle (the resident one) will probably go up to his room, but he's the cool uncle with all the tech so all the kids want to go in and out of his room to play with him, and then my nans room is a free for any one looking for a spot to get their toys out and there's just no where that's sacred really.

OP posts:

CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 15:15

"I'm on my third course of antibiotics, Doxycycline, as indicated by my last sputum sample, but the same antibiotics didn't help last week at all so awaiting results from another sputum sample"

Maybe you need a chest X-ray or steroid therapy. I would ring your GP and get some advice.

Newnameobviously · 18/12/2021 15:15

So it was ok for your granny to break CoVid rules last year because you were living with her but healthy? But because you are vulnerable this year everyone should forego doing perfectly legal things to keep you safe?

You are being naive. Your granny clearly wasn't bothered by legal restrictions to keep everyone safe last year. Why should she be bothered about keeping one vulnerable person safe this year when entertaining her family is actually allowed. She was selfish last year and was prepared to take chances with her health and that of people living with her and she clearly hadn't changed.

You have no control at all over what any of the 22 guests at this party have done over the 2 weeks before Christmas so if you really don't have any other place to be I think you have to resign yourself to spending the day in the box room playing games and watching tv with your son.

EbonanzaScrooge · 18/12/2021 15:16

Why don’t you book a meal somewhere for you and your son on Xmas day and get out the house for a bit? You have every right to be worried and scared but your Nan also has the right to host her family.

I’d be going out for a lovely walk then dinner somewhere so you miss most of the chaos.

Original poster

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:17

@Newnameobviously

We don't have a TV in my room 😭

Just 4 walls, a ceiling, and half of my old house in storage boxes.

TV would be the dream though

OP posts:

zoomies2021 · 18/12/2021 15:18

This would upset me. I can see how she is being kind to you and shouldn't need to change her plans. But I would hope my family would put my health first. I couldn't force them to but I don't think it's unreasonable to wish they would. Family are the only ones really where there is a sense of obligation. Not every family I get that. But it's what I would want for myself.

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 15:18

The other meal is a red herring.

The point isnthat you are so ill, coughing up blood etc, you should not be around 22 people at all, for their sake as well as yours.

You are currently a guest in someone's house. That person has chosen to have 22 people over in a normal size house.

You need to be not in that environment. So if there is no house that you can swop with then you will need to book into a travelodge for the day.

It's rubbish and not what you want. But otherwise you may well end up in hospital, and then you wouldn't have your child with you

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 15:20

You can watch TV on a phone, or whatever device you are mumsnetting on.

You want your grandmother to change her mind.

That is clearly not going to happen.

Therefore you need to make alternative plans

FatBettyintheCoop · 18/12/2021 15:21

Bloody hell OP, of course you’re not BU in the slightest. Pneumonia is a serious illness and a killer too. My neighbour (40’s) died from it when I was growing up.

Surely on this occasion, your Grandmother could organise to host the meal in one of her adult children’s houses and leave you and your son in peace for the day?

You family sound awful.

Original poster

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:21

@EbonanzaScrooge

I’d be going out for a lovely walk then dinner somewhere so you miss most of the chaos.

I can't even get half way up a flight of stairs without stopping for breath, I don't think a long walk is really on the cards at the moment.

I don't really want to go for a meal any where because then I'm mixing with an unknown number of people who may or may not pass covid on to me, and I can do that in the house apparently.

Also I think my coughing fits would turn a few heads these days.

OP posts:

HyacynthBucket · 18/12/2021 15:24

Op Though cannot comment on the selfishness thing, I feel your anxiety and don't blame you, I would feel the same. Can you go to an Airnib or Premier Inn for a couple of days and nights? Just you and your little one - who is far too young to know they are missing Christmas traditions. You could get cosy and have a nice quiet time together.
If you are not feeling well enough to make the arrangements, maybe a friend or relative could do the phoning, emailing etc. on your behalf. You are definitely NBU to want to stay safe as you get better.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/12/2021 15:25

So what are your options OP, your GM can do what she wants in her house and you are dismissing all the suggestions people are making?

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 18/12/2021 15:26

What do you want to have happen then Ip?

How would you plan it?

xxxGirlCrushxxx · 18/12/2021 15:26

Unsure33 · 18/12/2021 15:27

Sorry but if I had. Pneumonia and I had selfish relatives who could have covid coming to the house and did not do LFT I would stay in box room or ask touse another room and eat chocolate and watch Christmas movies.

Then celebrate on Boxing Day .

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 15:28

Do go to a premier inn. Travelodgr etc and stay in bed for the day and rest and get better.

She's not going to change her mind so what do you want to happen?

Original poster

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:29

@zoomies2021

I think its because it feels a bit tit for tat.

Like "I've been kind to you so far so I deserve to put your health at risk"

Like a little bit transactional.

She could do Christmas at someone else's house, which is much bigger and easier for every one to get to, but she doesn't want to do that.

This is her house. I get that. Her house her rules.

But I do think that's a really selfish view. I know if it were the other way around I'd be completely expected to consider her at the front of everything I do. And I probably would should the need arise and I'm in a position to do so.

OP posts:

Unsure33 · 18/12/2021 15:29

Is there not another room. With telly you could decamp in?

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 15:29

Why can’t you stay in a hotel?

Original poster

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:32

@Unsure33

Then celebrate on Boxing Day .

That might be what I have to do. I know people keep suggesting it. It's the most viable option.

It doesn't stop me feeling hurt or like they're being selfish when they could have other options for their Christmas.

It's nice that people keep suggesting solutions but it wasn't really my question in my op.

OP posts:

Dishwashersaurous · 18/12/2021 15:32

But it's not tit for tat.

She wasn't to host Christmas.

She isn't do it to spite you.

She just isn't factoring in her house guest

Original poster

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:35

@Justheretoaskaquestion91

Why can’t you stay in a hotel?

I'm fucked financially.

I'm 40k in debt. I'm on a debt management plan. I don't have £5 spare in my account.

My little boy has got 4 things off me for Christmas this year, book, pjs, some sweets and a crocodile snapper game, cos that's all I can afford.

Honestly don't want to go down the wormhole about why I'm so piss poor, but the reason going out places and spending extra money to get out is not an option is because the piggy is simply empty.

I've also been off sick for a few weeks so I know my pay on the 23rd is going to be slim pickings too.

OP posts:

OkThenJustChill · 18/12/2021 15:35

I would just stay in a hotel.

Dguu6u · 18/12/2021 15:37

Open all the windows! Might be the only thing you can do… you’re definitely not unreasonable.

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