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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think family are being selfish about Christmas mixing

240 replies

Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 14:20

My son and I live with my grandmother, not through choice but after fleeing my XH after DV last year.

Every year my grandmother hosts Christmas dinner for 22+ people, and it's where all the kids in the family open their mind Christmas presents, my 2yo included. It's been like this since I were a child, and it's just tradition in our family.

So as usual she's hosting Christmas this year, which was always to be expected.

But, this year I've got Pneumonia and I'm on my third course of antibiotics and have sent off a second sputum sample as I keep coughing up phlegm and blood on a daily basis and frequently getting breathless.

Now I've had a bit of anxiety about Christmas coming up but I've been dealing with that on my own as I know I have no control over the day.

But what's really putting my heckles up is today my uncle came to say they're going to a restaurant as a party of 37 today for his wife's family's celebration and some of the party aren't feeling well (not sure in which way they're not feeling well so may not be covid symptoms), but as the deposit was £400 non-refundable and it would be bad for the business if they cancelled, the meal is still going ahead.

Now I have no sway in whether they'll do LFTs up to Christmas, but I am losing faith that they'd isolate if they had symptoms, though it's my sincerest wishes that they would. But I'm also worried about asymptomic transmission on Christmas day, when I may still not be any better with my current chest infection.

My grandmother won't cancel hosting as she wants to see her kids, grandkids and great grandkids, but she knows I've got no where else to go for the day. My extended family also know I've been really unwell for a while.

Aibu in thinking they're all being a bit selfish at a time where I'm really worried.

Yanbu - yes they're being a bit selfish
YABU - no, you're being the unreasonable one. Christmas must go on.

OP posts:
ChimneyPot · 18/12/2021 14:52

Even if your mum has cats and you are allergic would you not be better off taking an antihistamine and going to your Mum than spending the day in an enclosed space with 22 others?

Incidentally I am rather in awe of a great grandmother who works in a hospital, has a child, a grandchild and a great grandchild living with her, some rather chaotic sounding family and still manages to host Christmas for 22 people each year.

NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 14:52

I agree with you, OP. I can see how you feel absolutely Flowers

I hope you feel better soon, I really do.

Rumplestrumpet · 18/12/2021 14:53

I don't think anyone is being unreasonable - it's just a really difficult situation. You're ill and need to recover away from the risk of Covid. You nan really wants a big Christmas after a difficult year. It's hard to find a compromise.

Could you find someone to house sit for? Ask around - Maybe a friend of a friend needs someone to watch their cats fo a few days?

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 14:55

@LumosSolem

Your grandma has been kind enough to offer you a home, it’s not fair to burden her with your displeasure.

Whatever the rights and wrongs, it's hardly 'burdening her with displeasure' for the OP to have genuine concerns over her health.

Very little understanding from other posters on this thread of what it is actually like to rely on the generosity of family when fleeing DV. OP I've been in your shoes and know the multiple ways it can be difficult 💐 All my adult life I was independent, had my own home. My ex was abusive and I lost my home because of this, and had to move in with my parents. They have been wonderful. It's very difficult to deal with all I've lost, all that I've been through. This wasn't what I envisaged- my parents don't make me feel like I should feel fortunate to have their help and that I'm an imposition, which some of this thread appear to think.

Precisely, thank you.

If I could have moved out by now and stopped relying on my family then I would. My ex has fucked me financially, fucked my credit score, my mental health, my childcare, and overall ruined my life and I'm just not back on track yet.

But I know if my nan ever became infirm or needed regular assistance I'd be the first, and probably only person she'd ask. I'm the first person she asks for everything.

But it's clear I'm unreasonable to expect consideration from close or wider family.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/12/2021 14:56

Your extended family sound difficult- it sounds like your nan is realistically the only one who can host? So it’s not as simple as people agreeing to not come/offering to host elsewhere.

I think you just need your feelings to be validated and an acknowledgment that you are in a really difficult situation. Which you are.

savagebaggagemaster · 18/12/2021 14:56

If it were the other way around and the grandmother was living with the OP and was currentlyill and the OP was still going ahead with a massive family gathering at her house, many of you would now be berating the OP, calling her selfish and wouldn't be saying it's okay to go ahead!

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 18/12/2021 14:56

Sorry but I think you sound incredibly entitled and I’m not sure why you’re asking if you’re being unreasonable when you’re adamant that you’re not!

PraiseTheSunshine · 18/12/2021 14:57

Would it be possible to book into a hotel for Christmas day/night? I'm not surprised you're concerned, I would be too in your position. Hope you feel better soon Flowers

NorthSouthcatlady · 18/12/2021 14:57

@Squeezita it does feel like OP doesn’t want an actual solution. At the end of the day she has been good enough to let you stay with her for over a year. That’s a massive ask! You can’t start dictating how she runs Christmas.

CheshireKitten123 · 18/12/2021 14:58

"I start my day by coughing up a cup of phlegm and blood and being breathless for hours afterwards."

What medical treatment are you having OP ?

St0rmTr00per · 18/12/2021 14:58

I can't just move out for the day.

could you maybe ask her if you could keep any rent/food contribution money you give her for that month and pay for a hotel stay for the day instead? or an air b n b.

LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 15:02

@Couchbettato ignore some of these responses- I highly doubt they have any idea whatsoever of what it is you've been through.

3.5 years on and I'm not recovered from what my ex did, what he continues to do to try and ruin my life. I doubt I'll ever recover fully.

Having to rely on others when you've been through hell and were previously self reliant is horrible as well. It crushes your already battered confidence and spirit even further. I hope things improve for you soon, I really do.

MrBigTiger · 18/12/2021 15:03

Ok. I have to say I wouldn't want everyone to cancel/adapt there Christmas Day because of me.

I would either stay upstairs with a picnic, or try to get a hotel room. Surely travelodge/premier inn are open? Could you not do that and watch lots of films and take a picnic with your DS?

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:05

@ChimneyPot

Even if your mum has cats and you are allergic would you not be better off taking an antihistamine and going to your Mum than spending the day in an enclosed space with 22 others?

Incidentally I am rather in awe of a great grandmother who works in a hospital, has a child, a grandchild and a great grandchild living with her, some rather chaotic sounding family and still manages to host Christmas for 22 people each year.

I'm REALLY allergic to cats. I take daily antihistamines any way, or did when we mixed freely because you never knew who'd have cat hair on them, and I'd still get tight chested. I don't want to be more breathless than I already am.

But at my mum's the main issue is that her house is not safe for my 2 year old.

I'd have to leave my little boy, on Christmas, in the care of all the individuals that I'd be trying to avoid. My nannan couldn't watch him as she'll be busy hosting 22 people!

I don't think there really is a solution lest I shute and my son in a box room, don't use the bathroom and sanitise everything thoroughly when every one has gone, but that wasn't really my question on here any way.

OP posts:
LumosSolem · 18/12/2021 15:06

I would either stay upstairs with a picnic, or try to get a hotel room. Surely travelodge/premier inn are open? Could you not do that and watch lots of films and take a picnic with your DS?

I would literally be cringing if I as a guest were forcing another relative to have Christmas Day in their bedroom with a toddler, with a picnic, or at a travel lodge, when they are suffering horribly with their health atm.

Riverlee · 18/12/2021 15:07

I’m sorry you’re unwell.

However, it’s slightly unfair to expect your uncle to cancel his wife’s family celebration. You mention your gran wants to see all her grandchildren etc. and won’t cancel.maybe the uncle’s wife wants to see all her family also.

So if your uncles family are selfish, then so is your gran.

BoredZelda · 18/12/2021 15:07

Presumably with a house bite enough to host 22 people, there’s room for you to stay out of their way.

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:07

@CheshireKitten123

"I start my day by coughing up a cup of phlegm and blood and being breathless for hours afterwards."

What medical treatment are you having OP ?

I'm on my third course of antibiotics, Doxycycline, as indicated by my last sputum sample, but the same antibiotics didn't help last week at all so awaiting results from another sputum sample.
OP posts:
Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:08

@BoredZelda

Presumably with a house bite enough to host 22 people, there’s room for you to stay out of their way.
It's a 3 bed ex council house. 1 bathroom.

After lunch the kids descend upon all the rooms to play their games and with their toys.

OP posts:
2Rebecca · 18/12/2021 15:08

You sound like the infectious person everyone should be avoiding.

GreenClock · 18/12/2021 15:09

@savagebaggagemaster

If it were the other way around and the grandmother was living with the OP and was currentlyill and the OP was still going ahead with a massive family gathering at her house, many of you would now be berating the OP, calling her selfish and wouldn't be saying it's okay to go ahead!
I agree with this.

Congrats on getting away from your ex last year, OP.

The family sounds quite chaotic and I imagine that your grandmother has lots in her plate. I think she’s idiotic to do what she’s doing though.

I’d find a small Airbnb for 25th - 26th if at all possible OP. Easier said than done I know. Flowers

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:10

@Riverlee

I’m sorry you’re unwell.

However, it’s slightly unfair to expect your uncle to cancel his wife’s family celebration. You mention your gran wants to see all her grandchildren etc. and won’t cancel.maybe the uncle’s wife wants to see all her family also.

So if your uncles family are selfish, then so is your gran.

I haven't said I want my uncles wife to cancel her celebration at all.

However I do think doing that, and then coming for Christmas here is a huge risk, and I think it's selfish not to acknowledge that.

Fwiw my uncle, his wife, their kids and their grandkids will also likely be at this meal. And they make up a huge portion of these 22 people expected on Xmas day.

OP posts:
Walkingthedog46 · 18/12/2021 15:10

OP, With so many people coming to your grandmother’s house where you are saying, might it be possible for you to ‘get lost in the crowd’ and not be noticed if you slipped away to your room for lengthy periods of time and only appear now and then (wearing a mask - saying it is to protect the others from your cough!)

Original poster
Couchbettato · 18/12/2021 15:11

Right? 😁

I'll pull the drawbridge up.

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 18/12/2021 15:11

I don’t think you can control what your GM does in her own house, I think the only option is stay in your bedroom or ask a relative if you can spend the day in their house (empty or not).