to feel weird about my neighbour's comments about my son?

[pizzaallday]

Hello,

I have a 16 month old and our neighbours are a married couple in their fifties.

They have three children, 26,28 and 32 and no grandchildren yet.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.

Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

We never leave him alone with them, either one of us or both of us is with him when he's invited over.

On the one hand I have absolutely no problem with them being so close to my son. The husband suffers from depression and doesn't work anymore and the wife has to work two jobs. They don't have it easy so I can understand how a toddler can bring light and joy to someone's life.

Let's call this couple Mr and Mrs Smith and my son is called Josh (names changed).

There are just some comments Mr Smith makes occasionally that I find cringeworthy.

For example:

• He said when he was playing with him: "Oh Josh, I want to go to bed with you"

• They knocked on our door in the evening and he said "Josh, I want to spend all night with you"

• Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it".

• The other day my husband left the house in the evening, because he had to go somewhere. Mr Smith was outside his house and he asked my husband: "Are you going to pick up Josh? (we send him to a childminder)" "I will come with you!"

• Usually I pick him up from the childminder in the evening. When I arrive back home, Mr Smith usually sits in his car, because he has to pick up his wife from work. When he sees Josh, he either pulls his window down to shout his name or comes out to interact with him

• Mr Smith has an alcohol problem as well. He drinks every evening, usually whiskey. In summer, when it was still warm at night, we often sat in our living room and heard Mr Smith singing in in the garden. It was obvious he was drunk and he was singing my son's name 😳 That has stopped now, either because it's too cold outside or perhaps because his wife asked him to drink less.

His wife always is very embarrassed when her husband makes those comments to my son and says "He doesn't mean it".

I know the comments are made in a certain context and I don't think Mr Smith is a pedophile.

Still, they give me a bad feeling and I feel like he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

It's very hard for me to know whether I am being unreasonable or not.

On the one hand they are a lovely couple with lovely children and are nice neighbours that we get on well with.

On the other hand his comments give me the creeps.

AIBU to feel this way?

Thank you people for the support, I agree that I didn't breach guidelines and I have emailed a defence to HQ saying I don't regret posting what I posted and know I have the support of the thread, but being defiant may get me a ban so if I 'disappear' you know why.

@ClaudiaJ1 I saw your message and thought it was offensive. Behind everyone's user names are real people with feelings and regardless of how strongly you feel there's no need to be rude. The poster asked a question and has received among the helpful replies a tirade of abuse. It's unlikely she will ask again if ever faced with a similar situation which is a shame because i would sooner someone asked and was guided than not ask at all. She has said several times she will avoid the couple. She has taken the replies on board and is trying to figure it out. Thankfully her child is safe but abusing her for needing to ask and trying to figure this out is not helpful. Thankfully mmhq do a good job of monitoring and obviously picked up on what was happening.

[quote oKoK65]@ClaudiaJ1 I saw your message and thought it was offensive. Behind everyone's user names are real people with feelings and regardless of how strongly you feel there's no need to be rude. The poster asked a question and has received among the helpful replies a tirade of abuse. It's unlikely she will ask again if ever faced with a similar situation which is a shame because i would sooner someone asked and was guided than not ask at all. She has said several times she will avoid the couple. She has taken the replies on board and is trying to figure it out. Thankfully her child is safe but abusing her for needing to ask and trying to figure this out is not helpful. Thankfully mmhq do a good job of monitoring and obviously picked up on what was happening. [/quote]
The point is the OP is doing absolutely nothing at all about it and is ignoring all advice and suggests she finds safeguarding her son 'awkward'. Even after all these replies, she refuses to do anything about it, and anyone who isn't angry about her inaction because she cares too much about appearances is as bad as her. Luckily the overwhelming majority agree with what I said, and others have said similar. You either care about safeguarding, or you care about appearance and 'not upsetting the neighbours'. One or the other.

She is texting you wanting to see your son -- this is so very abnormal. They are slowly and steadily trying to normalise this in your eyes so that you drop your guard.

IT IS NOT NORMAL.

I don’t know the age of the OP but they must be fairly young to have a 16 month old child, they both work and I assume have parents and friends they could ask for advice?

There’s just something not sitting right about this thread.

I’m done with it.

@MNHQ I see my comment from yesterday has been deleted... I wonder if you can enlighten me as to why that was because I didn't breach any gulidelines?

The OP came here for advice and then when people have clearly said to her 'stay away from Mr Smith and his wife,' she completely ignores It, because she 'doesn't like confrontation.'

Well, I'm sorry, but the neighbour is inappropriate, and she needs to get a handle on this, instead of chatting to him and hoping he'll get bored, and letting his wife practically demand to see her son!

I fully support these posters who are getting a bit peeved off. There is a young child in the middle of this, and he needs to be put first in this situation.

@ClaudiaJ1 I hope you don't disappear. What you said was absolutely right 👍🏻❤️

@PurplePansy05 I completely agree with you as well. I think @MNHQ are completely missing the point that posters are just trying to tell the OP that the best interests of the child has to come first.

**The poster asked a question and has received among the helpful replies a tirade of abuse. It's unlikely she will ask again if ever faced with a similar situation which is a shame because i would sooner someone asked and was guided than not ask at all.

This. Can't the posters yelling at OP see that yelling at her is just going to make her abandon the thread or not ask for further advice about this again? Isn't Mumsnet supposed to be a place for mums to ask advice from other mums?

She is not ignoring this situation, she has gone as far as posting on a parent forum for advice.

I recently posted on MN with a minor safeguarding concern. What I needed was reassurance that it was okay to do something about it and advice about the best way forward. I did get that advice, but there were also some awful posts jumping to terrible conclusions.

Shouting at mothers is not in the interest of safeguarding children. It is so important to be able to have calm and rational conversations about safeguarding in order to protect children.

Reminds me slightly of the film one hour photo with the late Robbin Williams but your neighbour is more Pervy and weird.
I would slowly distance myself, don’t just cut off completely because it can cause a bad reaction

Especially with people who are obsessive like your neighbour

Hi op, I would feel the same without a doubt.
I know this has been said but I really think you need to say something to them.
If you find this too hard, then next time they text asking to see your dc you need to be honest about why they can't see him. Yes it's awkward but your dc is your priority, not them! I know you don't like confrontation but you need to protect your little one. I have a DC of similar age and it creeps me out thinking about neighbours like that living next door. I'd honestly move house if I was in your position, I couldn't risk letting your ds grow up close to him! You'll feel much better for getting this sorted op.

@MRSAHILL

Me and my dh are in our fifties and believe me, we would never say those things to anyone, especially not a child. That man is seriously weird and it has nothing to do with being in his fifties, he isn't some very elderly, confused old man who you have to make allowances for. I would never ever go round to their house again and I'd never allow them in my house. Do not encourage your ds to think these people are family friends and that they are safe. Avoid these people like the plague from now on. You son is more important than hurting their feelings.

This. Don't compromise your son's safety for politeness.

@DogsandCatsB4u

Reminds me slightly of the film one hour photo with the late Robbin Williams but your neighbour is more Pervy and weird. I would slowly distance myself, don’t just cut off completely because it can cause a bad reaction

Oh that was a really good film, is it on Netflix do you know?

@1concernedmummy

**The poster asked a question and has received among the helpful replies a tirade of abuse. It's unlikely she will ask again if ever faced with a similar situation which is a shame because i would sooner someone asked and was guided than not ask at all.

This. Can't the posters yelling at OP see that yelling at her is just going to make her abandon the thread or not ask for further advice about this again? Isn't Mumsnet supposed to be a place for mums to ask advice from other mums?

She is not ignoring this situation, she has gone as far as posting on a parent forum for advice.

I recently posted on MN with a minor safeguarding concern. What I needed was reassurance that it was okay to do something about it and advice about the best way forward. I did get that advice, but there were also some awful posts jumping to terrible conclusions.

Shouting at mothers is not in the interest of safeguarding children. It is so important to be able to have calm and rational conversations about safeguarding in order to protect children.

@1concernedmummy The problem is that she is ignoring the situation. She was advised what to do, stop talking to them or spending time with them. She then spoke with to man for 20 minutes and allowed him to keep peeking in the car at the boy. Did you miss that part?

She also indicated it was 'too awkward' for her to step up and be direct, thus safeguarding her son is 'too awkward' for her and she'd rather let him stare, gawk and pick up and play with her son than be direct.

Everything about this OP screams that she won't do a single thing to protect her boy, she will willingly hand him over to the man just because she is too afraid of confrontation. She is not taking on board anything any of us are saying. That, is why she is getting deservedly harsh comments.

Exactly, @ClaudiaJ1! 👍🏻❤️

I am so concerned about this OP that I have considered asking the admin to step in & contact police/social services.
Get your child away from that man & grow a pair.
Fuck your "I don't like confrontation ba"
Protect your baby.

Don't be kind, be safe. Far better to be rude to innocent weird neighbours than to be regretting that your child has been molested.

@beachcitygirl

I am so concerned about this OP that I have considered asking the admin to step in & contact police/social services. Get your child away from that man & grow a pair. Fuck your "I don't like confrontation ba" Protect your baby.

What an awful thing to say. And what do you think social services/ police will do? Being creepy is not a crime. They are too overstretched to protect the children who are actually at risk in their own homes from their own parents.

We used to joke with our kids about their finger sausages because they went through phases of having them in their mouths. That led to ear bacon. Nothing at all sinister, just the waffle you talk to small children.

The rest, and the wife texting, is crossing a line.

The OP isn't refusing to do anything, she's reading the thread and digesting. She's bought herself a couple of weeks to come up with a plan. It's a difficult situation to deal with and not one to be rushed. Coming down on her like a tonne of bricks for it isn't going to help the situation.

Can I just add to the chorus of 50 year olds - I have no friends of my age or similar, who have any interest in spending time with small children.

Small toys if we know about birthdays, happy to chat if we see them out and about, but this is NOT normal behaviour.

I’ve not needed to shout ageist before, but FFS, 50 is not “a past generation”, we were at the front of calling out behaviour like this. SOME people in their 80s, possibly, but you still can’t make sweeping statements like this. My grandmother would be 120 now, and she would never have stood for this!

Agree absolutely that this sounds like grooming but blatant because the alcohol is taking away his filter.

@UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername

We used to joke with our kids about their finger sausages because they went through phases of having them in their mouths. That led to ear bacon. Nothing at all sinister, just the waffle you talk to small children.

The rest, and the wife texting, is crossing a line.

The OP isn't refusing to do anything, she's reading the thread and digesting. She's bought herself a couple of weeks to come up with a plan. It's a difficult situation to deal with and not one to be rushed. Coming down on her like a tonne of bricks for it isn't going to help the situation.

Good point.

For me :
bacon comment - pretty normal (we used to have "chop him up for firewood" in our house
go to bed- really not right at all! BUT could actually have been misread e.g "I wish I was going to bed too". Maybe not but who knows.

but the one that I find the oddest is singing about him whilst in their back garden- that's bizarre.

You don't have to be polite to these people. NO to every suggestion of contact, playing etc. you do not have to explain your choices concerning your child to your neighbors.

This is the first time I am posting on Mumsnet.

To the OP, YOU HAVE BEEN GROOMED by your neighbour. That is why you are not pulling away and explicitly telling them to stay away and that you don't want any contact.

You say that you don't think he is a paedophile = you have been groomed. You don't even mention " Shit. I want to move ! Do I call the police ? etc"

He wants to go pick up your child is an obsession, stalking you. You better tell your childminder what is happening in case he turns up.

What makes you think he is really drunk ? It could be all false... abuse your child in front of you and get away with it for being drunk.

Just because they have children doesn't mean anything.

You have all the red flags and yet you won't run = you are being groomed.

OP, Maxwell and Jeffrey Epstein were such a nice couple, too ? Right ?

What the hell is your husband doing ? He should be knocking on their door yelling at them that those comments are inappropriate and for them both to keep the hell away from you, not even look at you , cross the street when they see you, or you will report it to the police and tell everyone on the street !