to feel weird about my neighbour's comments about my son?

[pizzaallday]

Hello,

I have a 16 month old and our neighbours are a married couple in their fifties.

They have three children, 26,28 and 32 and no grandchildren yet.

Ever since my son arrived, they have been doting over him.

Inviting him over, giving him food, playing with him.

We never leave him alone with them, either one of us or both of us is with him when he's invited over.

On the one hand I have absolutely no problem with them being so close to my son. The husband suffers from depression and doesn't work anymore and the wife has to work two jobs. They don't have it easy so I can understand how a toddler can bring light and joy to someone's life.

Let's call this couple Mr and Mrs Smith and my son is called Josh (names changed).

There are just some comments Mr Smith makes occasionally that I find cringeworthy.

For example:

• He said when he was playing with him: "Oh Josh, I want to go to bed with you"

• They knocked on our door in the evening and he said "Josh, I want to spend all night with you"

• Last time we were at their house Mr Smith was playing with Josh. He then made a sawing motion at his ear and said: "I want to cut off your ear and make bacon off it".

• The other day my husband left the house in the evening, because he had to go somewhere. Mr Smith was outside his house and he asked my husband: "Are you going to pick up Josh? (we send him to a childminder)" "I will come with you!"

• Usually I pick him up from the childminder in the evening. When I arrive back home, Mr Smith usually sits in his car, because he has to pick up his wife from work. When he sees Josh, he either pulls his window down to shout his name or comes out to interact with him

• Mr Smith has an alcohol problem as well. He drinks every evening, usually whiskey. In summer, when it was still warm at night, we often sat in our living room and heard Mr Smith singing in in the garden. It was obvious he was drunk and he was singing my son's name 😳 That has stopped now, either because it's too cold outside or perhaps because his wife asked him to drink less.

His wife always is very embarrassed when her husband makes those comments to my son and says "He doesn't mean it".

I know the comments are made in a certain context and I don't think Mr Smith is a pedophile.

Still, they give me a bad feeling and I feel like he is crossing boundaries he shouldn't.

It's very hard for me to know whether I am being unreasonable or not.

On the one hand they are a lovely couple with lovely children and are nice neighbours that we get on well with.

On the other hand his comments give me the creeps.

AIBU to feel this way?

Is this a self confidence issue op? You engaged with him for 20 odd minutes in the hope he would get the hint when really there is no chance he is going to. You haven't given him reason to think that there is any kind of issue. You could say something like 'I would rather you didn't watch him like that , it's a bit strange ' but don't engage with him about weather or anything else and hope he will give up. He was more interested n trying to wake josh up than spend time with his own daughter.

I'm sorry but the singing about josh is really bothering me - when he is so drunk he's out on the backs singing,it's your baby hes thi.nking about. I don't know if you are uncomfortable with c onfrontation or you feel sorry for them or guilty if you cut them off or what it is but you and your DH needs to do something or he will never know it's unacceptable. This isn't a family member that you can be guilt tripped into ignoring their behaviour. Literally just stop talking to them. Are you worried they'll make you feel like you are overreacting or they'll make a scene? I hope you figure it out quick.

He drinks and has a poor concept of boundaries. You need to take charge of the situation, OP. Trust your gut for God's sake.

They are grooming you.

If your instinct feels something is wrong I would go with that. Try to limit contact. It’s such a weird comment to say he wants to spend the night with your 16 month old son.

OP had an opportunity to do something about it, today, to withdraw, ignore, shield her child, could've got her son out of the car and gone straight in the house and ignored the neighbour. Instead, for the sake of (not actually important at all given the circumstances) 20 mins extra daytime nap she stood chatting to him, outside the car, enabling him further and strengthening his bonds with her family, but that's only awkward? While DH was just sat in the house? Its revolting. Oh hi neighbour, yeah cold isn't it, just fetched our Christmas tree, getting dark earlier isn't it, nearly Christmas though, done all your shopping and wrapping, looking forward to seeing your family, yes of course you'd love bab to visit you on Christmas Day, yeah have a peer at him through the windows while I just stand there, yeah, go for it. For 20 minutes. Bollocks.

While DH left her to it to put up the bloody Christmas tree? What a joke.

Does your DH think you are overreacting is that part of the problem? You don't need to justify it to him or anyone. You get a hit off this neighbour and that's good enough to stop contact.

@pizzaallday

We got back from Christmas tree shopping earlier.

We let our son sleep in his car seat in the car because we didn't want to wake him up. I was standing outside the car watching him.

My husband took the Christmas tree in and set it up.

Mr Smith came and joined me outside the car. I made small talk with him about the weather, his children and corona , hoping he would bored and f*ck off.

He was outside for about 20 minutes though, peeking through the car window, hoping my son would wake up.

It's only when his daughter was at the front door and gave us a strange look because her father wouldn't come in, he went back inside his house.

It's getting more and more awkward now 😭

'It's getting more and more awkward now.' 😭

No, it isn't. It's getting more and more ridiculous.

Of course, Mr Smith isn't going to 'get bored and fuck off!' He wanted your son to wake up so he can continue playing his Pervy, weird games!!

And now his daughter is even wondering what's going on.

Why in heavens name didn't you take your son out of the car sooner?

Wake the hell up and do something about this!

What a load of shite

I agree that this man is grooming your family and you need to cut all contact with them before your son is put at even more risk.
Why would you ‘make small talk’ with that weirdo?

It's getting more and more awkward now 😭

Seriously, do you even care? You've had so many great comments about how to approach this and that probably would have been the best time to say something. Yet you've let him hang about for 20mins hoping he'll go away. You're not even trying to put boundaries in place. Seriously bye

I'd keep this man away from my son and I'd tell his wife to have a word with him just so she knows that his behaviour is unacceptable, if he continues this behaviour you need to tell him that he's overstepped the mark, don't accept what his wife says about him only joking because it's not your problem, it's an excuse because she's embarrassed by him, if she's embarrassed by him then she knows that it's wrong what he's doing, she must have told him not to do it.
I'd mention it to someone in authority who can help if he carries on, if you don't want to move it may be worth sticking a high fence up and locking your gate if you have one, let him know that you're aware of his behaviour and you don't like it, be firm with him, creeps like this don't care about pushing the boundaries and he thinks that you're ok with his behaviour, your son is more important than your neighbors feelings.

Is it our 'weekend entertainment thread'?

Seriously, I don't know why this thread has been created. The OP has had hundreds of responses condemning her neighbour's behaviour, and telling her to say something to the neighbour and keep him away from her son, yet she still continues to associate with him and gives him clear access to the child!

Hiding in plain sight

Why are you assuming he is not a pardophile?

You could do a Sarah's law check I think that would be advisable in the circumstances

What was his job before?

These are not appropriate or acceptable comments and the behaviour is odd too

Something to bear in mind - paedophiles build up slowly! Grooming (of both children and their families) takes time years usually. Also abuse can and does happen in the presence of non abusive adults it's happened to me

You are teaching ds this man is trustworthy. How is that going to work when he's of an age to be playing out and knocking on peoples houses himself?

Josh is in no immediate danger as we would never leave him alone with the neighbours.

You're incredibly naive!

Grooming and abuse can can and do happen in the presence of others

Speak to nspcc for guidance - pretty sure they'll say stay the hell away from this creep!

Comments are testing YOUR boundaries and so far he is succeeding in breaching them

I'm 49 NOBODY I know of this kind of age who is genuinely benign would DREAM of making such comments!

Honestly, there are paedophiles who are parents and seem happily married, whose wives are covering up for them. I know of one such couple.

A lot of them lead fairly normal lives

Nobody would have suspected my father and abuser when I disclosed to childhood friends they were genuinely shocked in most cases. There was one exception who had been suspicious - her dad was the same! Her dad also not regarded as unusual by anyone else except me

My father was also an alcoholic

OP without meaning to maybe scare you did he go to the child minder with your DH? Does he know where the child minder lives?

Shit! Well done for spotting this! Op if he does know where childminder lives please speak to childminder and alert them to a possible risk here and ensure they only let ds away with you or dad

@MrsRussell thanks for not only protecting your child but others too by notifying others of your mothers inappropriate thoughts/behaviour

@Zandathepanda alcoholism can cause a particular type of dementia. Even if the neighbour is ill, doesn't mean he's safe!

Do you know for FACT they have no grandchildren? It may be that the grandchildren aren't taken around for good reason OR that the children have opted not to have dc because of how the dad is. My friend that was also abused this was part of her reason for not having dc.

Your latest response doesn't seem to reflect the gravitas of the situation OP. Are you really reading everyone's posts and taking it all in?

Yes that timid response worried me too!

Op you need to be MUCH more determined and proactive here.

This is NOT someone you should be teaching is a safe person to ds. Not remotely!

@GrannytoaUnicorn mrsrussel told her MOTHERS key worker. Key workers apply to adults as well as dc, I have one as part of the team supporting me with Mh issues (ocd and agoraphobia in my case) they're simply the main point of contact. Children also have key workers for lots of reasons that AREN'T due to concerns about poor parenting. My dd had one to support her in coming to terms with her disability for a while, other friends and family their dc have key workers related to disability mainly learning disabilities. Please don't make assumptions about why someone has a key worker

It's not a grey situation at all imo it's very clearcut. Either this man has an illness that has messed with his inhibitions or he is naturally a predator - either way he is NOT safe to have around your ds OR to model to your ds as a safe adult

Have nothing more than a nodding acquaintance with them from now on.

Personally (but I'm also of an age I'm well past the people pleasing crap) I'd be speaking to the wife to say stay well away!

And there actually is a peado on every corner. Probably more, they just haven't been caught.

This is what I believe too. Backed up by the way my brother (a police officer as well as brother to a csa survivor in me) is about such things. We've had conversations and while of course he can't disclose individual knowledge I see how he is with his own boys and his comments when such things are in the news.

There are far more of these creeps around than we can even guess at! And even the ones that get caught rarely get decent sentencing!

Also, his accompanying you to the childminder is a shrewd way of signalling to the childminder that you trust him, so that when he starts running into the childminder at the park or the shops, the childminder could mistake him for a trusted family friend.

Horrifying but true

@1concernedmummy AGAIN abuse can and does occur in the presence of others. Savile molested victims on live tv!

WHY are you making small talk with him?

Seriously stop being so passive!

This man's own daughter recognises he's being a creepy dick!

Why are you not responding appropriately? Were you abused op? I'm starting to think your own parents were perhaps very controlling overly polite people pleaser types and raised you to be the same

Your response at 1524 is plain goady!

I'm gonna post still for the benefit of others perhaps reading in similar circumstances but I'm getting increasingly suspicious too

But this is precisely the reason why I didn't get my son out of the car. I knew it would wake him up and he would interact with my neighbour, albeit only briefly.

I try to stop them having any sort of relationship.

It's easy for posters to say "tell him to fuck off". I am not a confrontational person and that's just not the way I speak.

I am convinced though I can still put boundaries in place and protect my son without being abrupt.

My husband also said we should distance ourselves from them and then they will eventually get the hint.

There's a lot of different ways you can faze someone out.

I don't think groomers take hints.

Honestly OP.

But this is precisely the reason why I didn't get my son out of the car. I knew it would wake him up and he would interact with my neighbour, albeit only briefly.

I try to stop them having any sort of relationship.

You need some rehearsed strategies.

I would have taken him from the car and if the neighbour tried to start up a conversation said 'sorry can't stop, have to get his nappy changed, or get him something to eat he'll be starving, or must rush him into his cot as he's not had his sleep out yet'

Whatever you say doesn't have to be true, but you have to be firm about it.

I'm not confrontational either but if anyone had said they wanted to go to bed with my 16 month old child and stalked us on our own doorstep, I'd put my own comfort to one side and step up.

Alarm bells would be ringing .... I'd totally distance myself from them or else situations could arise in future years that you could regret. His wife must realise the comments her husband makes are inappropriate for her to try and justify them.
Run like the wind, that's what I say.

@pizzaallday don't say 'fuck off' then. Just plainly and firmly say to him 'I don't like some of your comments about Josh. I'd like them to stop.'

It doesn't have to be so hard.

@meadowbleu

But this is precisely the reason why I didn't get my son out of the car. I knew it would wake him up and he would interact with my neighbour, albeit only briefly.

I try to stop them having any sort of relationship.

You need some rehearsed strategies.

I would have taken him from the car and if the neighbour tried to start up a conversation said 'sorry can't stop, have to get his nappy changed, or get him something to eat he'll be starving, or must rush him into his cot as he's not had his sleep out yet'

Whatever you say doesn't have to be true, but you have to be firm about it.

@meadowbleu completely agree with this 👍🏻

I know you believe he is odd but innocent but do check in with the police and just ask if there is anything to disclose. Chances are there won't be but better safe than sorry.

Honestly, I give up. The woman would rather take the risk than be abrupt. There's no helping some people. Poor little boy, I hope he learns assertiveness from someone else within this family.