To think this is pretty fucking awful?

[WWYD2020]

We have to stay in, waiting for test results and feel really quite ill so going out was not an option.

Our toddler has full force slapped the baby in the head with both hands 4 fucking times today, just so incredibly fast that I can’t stop him sometimes. I can’t put the baby down anywhere whilst he’s awake because 1) toddler will maul him and 2) he will usually just cry, he loves to look at us and interact, the baby hates the sling don’t even mention that .

So here I am not able to put the baby down whilst he’s awake toddler getting jealous because I can’t put the baby down even though he’s part of the reason and if the baby manages to fall asleep in the pram carry cot he just gets toys thrown at him/pram shaken/jumped on by his big brother. By the end of the day I was settling the baby on our bed and he cried every time he saw his brother coming, it was heart breaking.

What the hell are you meant to do?
Can’t put baby down (cry or get hurt). Can’t hold him (toddler jealous). Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us. Can’t put him to sleep in pram(again, brother wakes him up, usually with violence). Can’t put pram in another room because our toddler will open the doors and get to him.

Why is he in pure attack mode?
He’s cutting 4 incisors atm, so definitely more whiney than usual but we’ve been giving nurofen when he looks like he’s in pain. Didn’t make a difference today.

Honesty practical help, or advice plz what do you do?
This is awful, no?

@BHX3000

My mum’s golden advice for dealing with this situation is, give full priority and attention to the toddler.

The baby will be fine, he doesn’t need constant interaction. He does need some but as long as he’s fed, clean, warm and cuddled regularly, he won’t know the difference.

The toddler probably just doesn’t understand ‘why mummy isn’t spending time with me anymore’. Which you do of course, but he’s just little.

Full attention on the toddler, and when you do need to care for the baby and spend some more time with him, then get toddler to help and be useful. He has a special job nobody else does as well, he’s the only one who can help mummy with XYZ for baby, wow how great was that? Mummy couldn’t have done it without you.

Hugs OP It will get better! You’re already doing amazing so hats off to you!

This

My children are older now and obviously advice now is different but I'd ignore not leaving the baby alone. Your life is being ruined by guidance that didn't exist for millions of babies, do what we used to do and use a baby monitor while the baby sleeps upstairs

I know you've said the little one hates the sling, but can you get a tula or similar and get the bigger one on your back? You might find you can chatter away to them and they might find the closeness soothing, particularly if they are tired. I've got a much, much bigger gap that you, but with a baby/toddler on my back is pretty much the only way I achieved anything for several years. Even if it's just cooking or cleaning while the smaller one is getting to sleep - you might manage to get them contained and distracted for a bit.

Mine were 13 months apart and I used to put the baby in the play pen and let the toddler roam free. That way baby was safe from toddler and toddler wasn't cross being locked up.

This sounds super tough!!! You're doing really well, especially having a little baby who self settles!
I have a 16 month old and absolutely cannot imagine having a newborn right now.

I have started looking at toddler behaviour advice as I feel like I'm saying no all the time and have found big little feelings insta account really helpful. We've bought the course and watched a few segments. Could be worth a look as they have lots of techniques and will have a segment on siblings and new babies.

Good luck xx

@SerfNTerf "violent little twat" made me snort rather inelegantly!

Baby in Moses basket or carrycot inside a big playpen in the corner of living room.
It worked really well for mine with a slightly bigger age gap than yours..

There were eighteen months between ds1 and 2 and ds1 was a similar nightmare. I used to say I'd need to put ds2 on top of the wardrobe to keep ds1 from attacking him. Ds2 was put upstairs to sleep as it was the only way to keep ds1 off of him. When ds2 needed feeding ds1 was strapped in the highchair with a snack, or a meal depending on the timing. Ds1 was put down for a nap and I'd cuddle ds2, ds1 went to bed and I'd bathe ds2 and spend time with him. It did get better when ds2 was more abe to interact and by the time ds1 was 3 they liked each other.

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These have been a god send for our toddler/baby situation I can lock us temporarily in a room to play without him destroying the whole house and if baby is sleeping in his room (with monitor) I can close the door without toddler being able to get in and disturbing his sleep

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

And cover the top of the pen with a net or something so missiles won't hit baby.

This really made me laugh toddlers are such arseholes sometimes!

Does your little one watch TV OP? I found songs to do with whatever behaviour I was trying to eliminate/encourage worked for my GS. YouTube have a good selection of brainwashing type tunes for toddlers. Maybe read him some stories about 'kind hands' too.

Pretty sure my GS (4.6) would still be in nappies if it wasn't for the Cocomelon potty song!

Hugs to you though - I had a similar age gap with my 2DDs, can't remember most of it now, I think my brain has blanked the trauma out 🤦🏻‍♀️

Playpen. One of those big clip together ones and put baby in in basket.
If you can afford any help get it - schools and colleges are off if there’s a nice teen nearby could be well worth it for a couple of hours cheapish help.

I have 14 months between my oldest two (both adults now).
My godsend was a wind up swing. I could put the baby in there, turn it on and give the oldest my attention. When he became engrossed in his toys I could do a household task.
When it was time for a feed I would get a drink and snack for the oldest, a cup of tea and snack for me and a few books. We would snuggle down together and read while the baby had milk.
As the youngest started to need more stimulation then we would all play together, If I didn't want to leave them unattended together then the youngest would go into the travel cot with toys.

What worked for me when I was in a similar situation was when the toddler hit the baby, completely ignore the toddler and lavish attention on the baby, 'oh toddler knows how to be kind and gentle but he forgets sometimes' etc.

Try it. My dd learnt pretty quick that ALL hitting her little brother did was get him more attention, and dramatically reduced it.

In conjunction, heap praise on the toddler every time he is near the baby and not being aggressive, 'you're playing so nicely, it looks like so much fun' etc. Every time, all the time, heap praise on the toddler for doing anything that isn't unwanted behaviour.

It's intense for a few days, when hopefully will pay off.

Sell the toddler

The laughing is possibly because he sees you are upset and is worried and wants you to laugh too. I remember my son doing this and, while it is infuriating, it is because you are his world and if you smile it shows everything is alright.
It will get better, but it is gruelling to have a small age gap.

I think in your shes honestly I'd just put the baby to nap in their own room. Sleeping alone is just one minor risk factor, and a small one compared to you or anyone else smoking, low birth weight, putting to sleep on their stomach etc. If none of those apply then I'd let him nap on his own, and spend some one on one time with the toddler. Or put the toddler in nursery (that's what I did, I couldn't cope!). Also everything is better when you're out the house, just going a walk or try and find a class where they will take siblings of different ages. We had a singing and dancing one which was good the baby liked to watch while the older one danced around

Does the toddler sleep?

I did, out for the morning- exercise toddler. Back for lunch-baby asleep in own room. Toddler 1 to 1 time.
Go out 3- dark. Home tv toddler sat with baby. Early dinner bed. Repeat.

My twins were nearly 3 when my son was born.
Things that have worked, the travel baby gates with mesh, we had to put one then another one above it, as climbing over a single one made it useless at keeping anyone safe.
Communication issues (ASD & PDA) meant it was impossible to explain things for each of them to understand.
If your toddler doesn’t talk yet, teach them some signs, a lot of behaviours happen due to their frustration, we used simple signs and flash cards.
We put locks high up on the outside of bathrooms & kitchen doors etc, so they couldn’t flood the bathrooms yet again.
Limit the amount of words you use, some children can’t process lots of language, so it’s no good saying you can’t hurt the baby, because they can and have done so. They may then continue to do so and find new things to cause problems.
Positive words for positive behaviour.
Try not to reward him with one to one after bad behaviour, I know that’s hard in practice, but it’s the only way to discourage unwanted stuff.
What’s he like with other children? Is it a sibling thing or something else.

When my son saw or heard a baby or toddler, he’d shout, don’t like the walkie-talkies.
I think it was the not knowing when they were going to make noise and for how long, with the toddlers, he’d run away from them, which they thought was a game of chasing, toddler groups were a nightmare as he’d throw toys at them to try to stop the noise. Or try to climb out of their reach.
It must be hard that covid has limited opportunities for him to learn through play and experiences.
When he is better able to communicate things should improve.
Do you have a heath visitor, they may have some advice or ideas of things locally that may help.
We have a sensory room which has helped a lot over the years.
Make it somewhere that the baby isn’t allowed into, so he gets to feel a positive about being the oldest,.
Avoid saying naughty step or chair, a naughty chair could be interpreted as the chair is misbehaving, or that you have to misbehave if you are on that chair/ step.
Sending them to their bedroom is no good as they can play with their toys etc and get left alone, plus you don’t want to make their bedroom a place that is negative.
My 3 are in their 20s now so I’m sure there are newer things you could try, like an iPad that they are only allowed to use when you need to do things with the baby.

Put a bolt high on the door, so toddler can’t open it.

oh god. I had so many days like this with the same age gap. It was relentless.

one word - 'Cocomelon' on netflix/youtube. Its like sedation for the under 2s. I'm not saying play it all day, but put it on long enough for the toddler baby to calm down sufficiently to let you get the baby baby down for a nap.

The good news - small age gaps are ace once they hit 3.5+

Do you go to any playgroups? I went to a lovely one where the playgroup leader (late 50's) spotted I wasn't coping and very subtly made sure she always managed to keep the toddler baby occupied for as long as possible.

Don't be me and suffer in silence believing that you are just a shit mum. Small age gaps are really really hard and I wish I had been more open and accepted/ demanded more help rather than just sinking and completely losing my mind for about 2 years.

I had just under 12mths between my last two OP. I dont envy you. I think put the baby down and give your bigger baby loads of cuddles. If hes not feeling well and needs his mum extra but this other baby has come along and gets all the cuddles.
Can you put some kids tv on and sit and cuddle them both or do things like give them milk at the same time

Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us

Can someone explain this to me ? Have never heard of this ....

I had twin babies and a 20 month old - every nap was a chance for me to spend time with the toddler, the twins always slept upstairs with monitors.

Op I just really feel for you!

My godchildren have a similar age gap between them and both have speech delays, my friend uses babysign with them both and it really helps the communication aspect.

If you have the bandwidth, I'd look into it. Especially if the nursery you plan on using uses babysign, in which case they can probably supply you with exactly the type of sign they use.

She's also baby-proofed the interior doors so she can control which rooms they get in. Her littlest one is so mechanically minded, but baby proofing, especially at the top of the door, sorted a lot of access issues.

You're doing brilliantly, btw

My youngest 2 have a similar age difference. The older one needs to feel they're still getting your attention so stop worrying about baby heart rhythms and put the baby somewhere else to nap (with monitor).

Other things that work are reading together (the 3 of you) and saying stuff like, "Baby 2, can you turn the page? Ohhhh, silly Baby2! Can Baby 1 do it? Baby 1 is SUCH a good big brother".Or "Oh, Baby 1, Baby 2 is learning to lift their head. Can you show them how you do it? Wow! You are SUCH a good big brother".

And 100% agree with previous posters. Toddlers are like puppies. They need plenty of outside exercise, mental stimulation and cuddles. I often would make that at the time the baby was napping as it was easier to wear the toddler out so they still napped and I got 5 minutes to myself to watch Neighbours