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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is pretty fucking awful?

269 replies

WWYD2020 · 17/12/2021 19:24

We have to stay in, waiting for test results and feel really quite ill so going out was not an option.

Our toddler has full force slapped the baby in the head with both hands 4 fucking times today, just so incredibly fast that I can’t stop him sometimes. I can’t put the baby down anywhere whilst he’s awake because 1) toddler will maul him and 2) he will usually just cry, he loves to look at us and interact, the baby hates the sling don’t even mention that .

So here I am not able to put the baby down whilst he’s awake toddler getting jealous because I can’t put the baby down even though he’s part of the reason and if the baby manages to fall asleep in the pram carry cot he just gets toys thrown at him/pram shaken/jumped on by his big brother. By the end of the day I was settling the baby on our bed and he cried every time he saw his brother coming, it was heart breaking.

What the hell are you meant to do?
Can’t put baby down (cry or get hurt). Can’t hold him (toddler jealous). Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us. Can’t put him to sleep in pram(again, brother wakes him up, usually with violence). Can’t put pram in another room because our toddler will open the doors and get to him.

Why is he in pure attack mode?
He’s cutting 4 incisors atm, so definitely more whiney than usual but we’ve been giving nurofen when he looks like he’s in pain. Didn’t make a difference today.

Honesty practical help, or advice plz what do you do?
This is awful, no?

OP posts:
Original poster
WWYD2020 · 18/12/2021 22:15

Nobody has said they stare at their baby for 6months?

As I’ve said up thread, the current guidelines say, to keep them in the same room as you for the first 6 months. Not 6 months of eyeballing them😂.

But again, as said upthread it was suggested early on and it was a fantastic improvement ❤️

OP posts:
Foxglovers · 18/12/2021 22:18

I had the same age gap and the same issue. I really feel for you - but it got better after a few weeks. I always try to remember that ‘the more unloveable they are being then the more love they actually need.’ I know it’s hard - and we had some really hard hits too. I would calm the baby and walk away saying that wasn’t kind and the baby was hurt. Then when the baby calmed enough I would cuddle the toddler and say I know you are feeling angry because I am holding x - it’s really hard because you want me to play with you. You know how to be kind - modelling gentle stroking and kissing - and then I would try and say let’s all read together or something. I felt like this really worked and was so hard to do. Just kept on trying to sympathise with the toddler (awful, I know when a defenceless newborn is crying! I hope this helps a bit. When the baby starts to smile and laugh at the toddler it gets so much better!

Foxglovers · 18/12/2021 22:23

@Foxglovers

I had the same age gap and the same issue. I really feel for you - but it got better after a few weeks. I always try to remember that ‘the more unloveable they are being then the more love they actually need.’ I know it’s hard - and we had some really hard hits too. I would calm the baby and walk away saying that wasn’t kind and the baby was hurt. Then when the baby calmed enough I would cuddle the toddler and say I know you are feeling angry because I am holding x - it’s really hard because you want me to play with you. You know how to be kind - modelling gentle stroking and kissing - and then I would try and say let’s all read together or something. I felt like this really worked and was so hard to do. Just kept on trying to sympathise with the toddler (awful, I know when a defenceless newborn is crying! I hope this helps a bit. When the baby starts to smile and laugh at the toddler it gets so much better!
Just to add to this! And what was mentioned by PP upthread - I stopped trying to do the’your a big boy’ etc and cuddling them saying they were my baby etc. sometimes even having to leave the baby upset next to me a bit as had to keep telling myself that the toddlers needs were greater (again, super hard to do. But really did improve quickly)
Fidgetty · 18/12/2021 22:23

We had the same age gap...such an exhausting time! I got a long extendable baby gate thing and screwed it from wall to wall sectioning off a piece of our kitchen/living area where we spent most of our time. then I put a play pen in it and when I couldn't watch the baby like a hawk I'd put her in there where her sister couldn't reach her. Otherwise you literally just have to be on top of it all the time until it will eventually stop.

Solidarity OP you're in the trenches right now but it WILL get easier. Hang in there.

EnidFrighten · 18/12/2021 22:25

Honestly I know it is against the rules but if be taking them to a deserted place so the older one can run around once a day. They go feral indoors. Unless you have a garden. I think they're much more aggressive when they haven't been out.

Has the older one got a baby doll? Might help if he can bash/cuddle that one instead of the real baby.

Give the older one plenty of attention unless he bashes the little one - then say no but don't get upset and go on, the attention is a reward of sorts.

Foxglovers · 18/12/2021 22:29

Also giving a soft toy like a teddy and saying I understand why you feel angry, if your arms feel like hitting out please hit this teddy (and then trying to cuddle them if/when they take you up on the advice!

threebillboards · 18/12/2021 22:38

I'm quite ashamed to admit I smacked my toddler on the bottom (he had a thick nappy on so it was the shock vale rather than pain) when he hit his baby brother round the head with a pull along toy. It was deliberate as I saw him pick the stick up and take aim but didn't realise what he was about to do. It was an instinctive reaction and I've never done it before or since, but it worked and he never hit him again.

I'm not suggesting smacking but show him you are angry with him and remove him onto a naughty step. You clearly have said No, don't do that and been ignored so you need to show real outrage at this, and frankly it is outrageous that a baby has learned to fear their older sibling.

CasperGutman · 18/12/2021 22:39

When I was 18 months I bit my brother so hard I left a full set of teeth marks, and was in the process of rolling him towards the top of the stairs before my mum jumped off the toilet and picked him up.

We get on fine now, four decades later.

It'll be tough, but keep your cool, be clear and firm with the toddler, but don't trust him: physically protect the baby. You just need to get through the next month or two, probably just a few weeks, and you'll all be fine.

threebillboards · 18/12/2021 22:41

My mother told me my brother was like this with me as a baby and she had to put up a full length room divider to keep him away from me, so it must be quite common. We grew up to be friends so it doesn't mean the toddler has issues, but neologism is a powerful emotion.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/12/2021 22:51

I'm not suggesting smacking but show him you are angry with him and remove him onto a naughty step

I'm not a child development expert but surely a 17 month old wouldn't understand this enough for it to be effective - or to be morally right?

threebillboards · 18/12/2021 22:55

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm not suggesting smacking but show him you are angry with him and remove him onto a naughty step

I'm not a child development expert but surely a 17 month old wouldn't understand this enough for it to be effective - or to be morally right?

I never said it was right and said it was instinctive because it was quite deliberate and I had to take the baby to A&E I was so concerned. He's 8 now and extremely well adjusted so not exactly mentally scarred (unlike his brother who has a small scar over his eyebrow from the toy).
threebillboards · 18/12/2021 22:59

@youvegottenminuteslynn You may not be a child development expert but don't you also need to think about the affect on the baby who cries when it's sibling approaches it? What is it doing to the baby's development?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/12/2021 23:05

[quote threebillboards]@youvegottenminuteslynn You may not be a child development expert but don't you also need to think about the affect on the baby who cries when it's sibling approaches it? What is it doing to the baby's development? [/quote]
My point was that I didn't think it would help the situation because the older child, still only 13 months, wouldn't even understand what was happening. Happy to be corrected but you said OP should try it and I was simply pointing out that I didn't think it sounded like a productive thing to do...

Kinkybutkind · 18/12/2021 23:12

You could turn the door handle upside down so toddler can’t open it ? You have my sympathy, I remember those days Flowers

Dovecare · 18/12/2021 23:59

I think that the baby is much more likely to come to harm if you don't put him down in his room to sleep with the aid of a good baby monitor. It is no wonder your bigger baby is so resentful if he never gets 'on his own time' with you. Sometimes rules can be broken with sensible precautions and I think this is one of those occasions. Good luck. I feel so sorry for you as you must be exhausted and distressed. I was a health visitor for many years and it is a shame they are no longer involved heavily enough. Xx

Justmeandmyfamily · 19/12/2021 00:20

My first DS was 17months when DS2 arrived and he was just so jealous especially when I was breastfeeding . One thing I learned pretty quick was to watch out my reaction when he was trying to hit DS2. When I shouted "no you can't do this" he was worst and wanted to hit more and more but since I started to tell him hundred times a day ds2 is his brother and I love DS1 so much but DS2 also needs to be feed and cared for and he is very small and it hurts if he hits him, DS1started slowly to change his behaviour. It took us 2 whole months and just the day I was about to getting up thinking it's never going to change, DS1 came in the morning in the living room (he used to sleep later than everyone) he got past me and hugged his brother. I couldn't belive my eyes!
Try to spend some more time with him and when you hold the baby assure the toddler every time you still love him. And please don't scream at him if he hits the baby as this is making him to hate the baby. I know it tears your heart when you see this but try as calm as possible to talk to him and take his hand and pat the baby. It will take time be sure. Ds2 was ok when Ds3 arrived, he loved him so much but I am preparing for arrival of DS4 and I feel I will go again through first experience as DS3 is very jealous, even scream when my husband is hugging me or pat the bump, same as DS1.

Londoncallingme · 19/12/2021 00:32

Why can’t the baby sleep upstairs with a baby monitor and you give toddler the attention he’s craving?
Why can’t you leave baby in a different room, in a cot before he’s 6 months? Is this a new thing?

GrannytoaUnicorn · 19/12/2021 02:25

@WWYD2020 Not RTFT but have you tried a sling? Or would that exasperate the toddler's jealousy? Maybe intermittently?

Snowflakeslayer · 19/12/2021 02:30

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HappyMeal564 · 19/12/2021 04:11

@Kinkybutkind

You could turn the door handle upside down so toddler can’t open it ? You have my sympathy, I remember those days Flowers
Please don't do this. Really unsafe if there is a fire. Baby will be fine upstairs with a monitor, It's safer than being repeatedly hit in the head
Original poster
WWYD2020 · 19/12/2021 06:53

[quote GrannytoaUnicorn]@WWYD2020 Not RTFT but have you tried a sling? Or would that exasperate the toddler's jealousy? Maybe intermittently? [/quote]
I said in the OP.

OP posts:
Original poster
WWYD2020 · 19/12/2021 06:54

@Snowflakeslayer

I think everyone is being kind. This is parenting. Have you considered adoption? c. £150k for an Aryan child? #justsayin
🙊 Not every parent has every solution to every problem immediately.. do they?
OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 19/12/2021 07:03

@Snowflakeslayer I know, right? How dare they ask for advice on a parenting forum??

Give it a rest!

Offmyfence · 19/12/2021 08:19

@Snowflakeslayer

I think everyone is being kind. This is parenting. Have you considered adoption? c. £150k for an Aryan child? #justsayin
Oh give over, this is a parenting forum to give helpful advice.

Glad things are a bit better OP.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/12/2021 08:53

@Snowflakeslayer

Eh? Imagine coming onto mumsnet and berating a poster for asking for parenting advice. Give over.