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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is pretty fucking awful?

269 replies

WWYD2020 · 17/12/2021 19:24

We have to stay in, waiting for test results and feel really quite ill so going out was not an option.

Our toddler has full force slapped the baby in the head with both hands 4 fucking times today, just so incredibly fast that I can’t stop him sometimes. I can’t put the baby down anywhere whilst he’s awake because 1) toddler will maul him and 2) he will usually just cry, he loves to look at us and interact, the baby hates the sling don’t even mention that .

So here I am not able to put the baby down whilst he’s awake toddler getting jealous because I can’t put the baby down even though he’s part of the reason and if the baby manages to fall asleep in the pram carry cot he just gets toys thrown at him/pram shaken/jumped on by his big brother. By the end of the day I was settling the baby on our bed and he cried every time he saw his brother coming, it was heart breaking.

What the hell are you meant to do?
Can’t put baby down (cry or get hurt). Can’t hold him (toddler jealous). Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us. Can’t put him to sleep in pram(again, brother wakes him up, usually with violence). Can’t put pram in another room because our toddler will open the doors and get to him.

Why is he in pure attack mode?
He’s cutting 4 incisors atm, so definitely more whiney than usual but we’ve been giving nurofen when he looks like he’s in pain. Didn’t make a difference today.

Honesty practical help, or advice plz what do you do?
This is awful, no?

OP posts:
Anewchicken · 17/12/2021 23:49

I found the trick was to massively praise the good behaviour , making lots of fuss and loads of attention . The toddler will bathe in your reaction to his behaviour, so respond to the good stuff. ( mine are good friends 15 years on from the toddler stage)

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 17/12/2021 23:51

@pastabest Funnily enough, I was only thinking about the same kind of playgroup leader I experienced last night! Mine are now in Uni and I still remember the kindness of that woman.

Connfused · 17/12/2021 23:58

Having a 14 month age gap can make it more difficult than looking after twins because you have got two babies at different stages in their life . They have different needs, very different sleep schedules and feeding schedules. Even going for a walk to the park to let the oldest run off little bit of energy feels like an major expedition .

My oldest two boys have 13 months between them and a big thing that helped me was making sure that the oldest baby was always involved in doing little bits for the new baby . I used to let him wipe the babies bum {after I'd already done it properly!!) comma asking him to help sing the baby to sleep (that had a few interesting results!) and generally letting him feel involved, and praised for being helpful.

We also spent the time I was breastfeeding with the bigger on sat on my knee and the tiny one on his knee, looking at books or a bit of quiet TV time. The smiles on the eldests face were amazing to watch.

It is difficult snd i really feel for you but after the first 6 months to a year you'll be in a great routine and hopefully find that the positives far outweigh the negatives in having a small age gap. I ended up with 4 in 3.5 years and I'd do it the same again if I got a 2nd chance at it.

Good luck and big hugs for the babies.

Connfused · 17/12/2021 23:59

Sorry, that was way too long,

NotVictorianHonestly · 18/12/2021 00:03

Virtual consultation with a sling library to figure out a way of wearing baby that doesn't make it scream? They're pretty cheap and there's nearly always a way

Connfused · 18/12/2021 00:05

@Tiredalwaystired

Not read whole thread so sorry if repeating but can you involve toddler more so they become your “invaluable helper” with the baby?

Might take some of the jealousy away

This is exactly what helped me cope. I'm sure the eldest (by 13 months) thought it was his baby and I was there for decoration or something comfy to sit on.
SeaToSki · 18/12/2021 00:06

Put hook eye catches at the tops of the doors. Then you can shut a door and it will stay shut.

averythinline · 18/12/2021 00:15

Can he not go to preschool/nursery even if just for couple of mornings? Sounds like he needs lots of engagement...and running around with some other toddlers maybe good for him....

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 18/12/2021 00:21

Had similar age spread here, and not much local family support.

HV suggested asking toddler "what does your baby need?" Emphassis on "your".

I'm not saying it's a magic wand, the HV was in my house looking at the dynamic (and shit fucking hot), but, I am saying that giving my toddler ownership of the baby let her develop empathy and I could not see the change in language was key because i WAS FUCKNG KNACKERED.

they are teenagers now. and delights. not even joking

Wagamamasforlunch · 18/12/2021 00:24

@IamGusFring

"Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us"

Can someone explain this to me ? Have never heard of this ....

It's advised to keep your baby sleeping in the same room as you when they're asleep, both day and night, until they're at least 6 months. It's meant to reduce the risk of SIDs.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/

IamGusFring · 18/12/2021 00:29

[quote Wagamamasforlunch]@IamGusFring

"Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us"

Can someone explain this to me ? Have never heard of this ....

It's advised to keep your baby sleeping in the same room as you when they're asleep, both day and night, until they're at least 6 months. It's meant to reduce the risk of SIDs.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/[/quote]
Thanks . I didn't know that .

VodkaSlimline · 18/12/2021 10:44

OP I have not had this age gap (poor you) but have looked after twins who used to bash/bite each other when they were about the age of your older one. The most effective response was to flatly say "no hitting/biting" to the offender, then ignore them and make a huge fuss of the injured party "POOR Twin2, oh you're SO SAD now, let's have a lovely cuddle". At that age children just want any kind of attention so they don't mind being told off/hauled to timeout!

Branleuse · 18/12/2021 10:56

[quote Wagamamasforlunch]@IamGusFring

"Can’t put him to sleep elsewhere in day as he’s not over 6m yet so has to stay with us"

Can someone explain this to me ? Have never heard of this ....

It's advised to keep your baby sleeping in the same room as you when they're asleep, both day and night, until they're at least 6 months. It's meant to reduce the risk of SIDs.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/baby/caring-for-a-newborn/helping-your-baby-to-sleep/

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/room-sharing/[/quote]
its not always possible though if it means that small baby gets hurt and big baby gets no time with his mama himself.

I think its really important to remember here that the "toddler" is not really a toddler but very much a baby himself. When I read toddler, I assume a 2-3 year old tbh

HikingforScenery · 18/12/2021 11:03

Sounds like your toddler is doing it to get a response from you. I imagine it’s quite a shock to see him hurting the baby but could be more ‘measured’ in your reaction so it’s a boring one to him?

Original poster
WWYD2020 · 18/12/2021 14:22

Sooooooooo today isn’t quite the same because DH is home and we went for a walk in the forest BUT I put the baby to sleep in his cot at 12:00 when he was getting tired and he’s still there asleep🥲 I’ve been able to play with ds1 up until he went for a sleep at 13:45! We danced along with the haawhoos, we made I scream on the ice cream truck and ate some dinner.

Fantastic already, when DS2 wakes up he won’t be angry and overtired so probably won’t need so much input from me leaving me free to interact with DS1 more when he wakes up too.

Smile
OP posts:
madmomma · 18/12/2021 14:24

Absolutely brilliant OP well done for pushing on!

mooloop · 18/12/2021 14:38

Awww how lovely to read a happy update, well done OP Smile you and your boys must be feeling so much better this afternoon!

Relaxitsonlyababy · 18/12/2021 17:25

My two were exactly the same. We used to go to the park early doors ( usually in time for first nap) so that I could give toddler the undivided attention he wanted. Baby always slept in his cot upstairs (controversial I know but worked for us. I don’t live in a mansion and technology is excellent) get toddler to help with baby. Getting the wipes. Bringing the bottleS etc l. Special story time. It’s so hard momma but it does kinda ease up… mine for 2&4 now both till alive and both still fighting x

MummyMayo1988 · 18/12/2021 17:25

I think that is all fairly normal big brother behaviour. Our second was the same with our third. He is super jealous and time consuming anyway but when the new one came along he got worse. They are now 2 and 7 - 7yr old sometimes acts like a baby to get attention and it drives me nuts! Can't stand the baby talk.
Sharing time equally between siblings is soo hard - so don't don't hard on yourself. Perhaps let big brother get involved with helping little brother. Show him how he is supposed to behave with him.
Good luck - your doing fine mumma! X

Debbacat6 · 18/12/2021 17:26

Calpol for toddler before bed and after exercise in garden..not forever..just couple of nights

Lizziespring · 18/12/2021 17:32

you poor thing, it's so hard with a toddler when they're old enough to run around and demand attention but nowhere near old enough to articulate emotions or cintrol themselves. Can their dad take full responsibiluty for one baby while you have the other, when both are awake? So your little boy isn't so desparate ? Or can a friend or grandparents or a mumsy volunteer from your local HomeStart, help by giving your toddler a regular hour of full-on attention time, till the phase is over? Any parent will fully sympathise. It will get better but you must be exhausted, so please ask anyone/everyone for hands on-help so you as well as the babies, get what you need. It does get better. ♥️

busymomtoone · 18/12/2021 17:35

This sounds exhausting and hard to think clearly when you are so stressed / tired. However your toddler is getting rewarded for his violence by getting attention ( even if negative- it is still attention ). Instead of holding the tiny baby all the time to protect him, whenever possible spend some of that time with your bigger baby - cuddling, reading , saying you are glad he’s such a great big brother etc. Emphasise ANY perks you can think of for him being a “ big boy” and reward to the max the helpful behaviour ( putting nappies in the bin etc) that he is doing. Currently it sounds like he is just seeing the baby as a deprivation of attention for him, and you are in a cycle of that by “ protecting “ the tiny one. As long as you are with the toddler and the baby is asleep and/ or content you can give some of that time to the other one - as others have suggested, trips to park etc great idea also as he can be the “ clever big boy” who can do things the baby can’t. I’m sure things will get easier soon - hang on in there !!

Whu020 · 18/12/2021 17:35

As a mother of 4 from days when you put your baby in its own Room at 6 weeks and used your own instincts and experience of parents this would never happen. Kids arent in charge you are, your toddler needs to be told no and be firm .

Hotelhelp · 18/12/2021 17:39

Maybe I’m looking back with rose tinted specs but I can’t remember a single instance of my older child doing this to their baby sibling as a toddler.

So sad you’re having to more or less keep them separate when they should be building their little bond.

Has toddler always been this way with sibling?

larkle · 18/12/2021 17:40

Well done OP. You are wonderful!!