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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset at not getting thank you note to acknowledge presents

364 replies

Londonlassie12 · 17/12/2021 00:25

My dd is in an elite team sport & last Xmas & this Xmas I sent her coaches (5 in total) lovely gifts I would be delighted to recieve (yankee candle gift set.. Full sized jar with 3 little candles ) Not one of the coaches text to say thanks... Dd brought them to training last Monday... I'm very disheartened... DH is more pragmatic, his theory is we pay a fortune for training, a card & bottle of wine should suffice & I should stop acting as if we owe anymore... Aibu to be upset at not having the (expensive) gifts acknowledged?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 17/12/2021 07:10

I too think it’s rude not to acknowledge a gift, a tact takes seconds.
And if they’ve thanked some parents in SM and not you then that is very rude.

(I would add that I find Yankee Candles absolutely awful, the smell really attacks my nostrils! But that shouldn’t affect whether or not you get an acknowledgement for the gift.)

gofg · 17/12/2021 07:13

I agree that they are showing a lack of even basic manners by not sending a quick text to thank you for the gifts. However, I would be agreeing with your DH in future years and either not give a gift, or just something little and inexpensive. Actually, I wouldn't bother giving a gift at all.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 17/12/2021 07:13

You sound very thoughtful op and I can understand why you feel rubbish about it. I expect you're wondering what you did wrong - don't they like you, don't they like dd, did you miss the mark with the gift?

But speaking as a teacher who receives gifts from pupils at Christmas, I can tell you that I only send written thank yous to those I haven't thanked in person. So I would thank the pupil when they handed it over, and the parent if I saw them at the door.

If I receive a gift from an ex pupil or a child who is at home for some reason, I would send a thank you message.

So for that reason I think you are overthinking this. They thanked your dd when she handed them over and will probably thank you when they see you.

It is a bit rubbish to post pictures on sm though. It's really quite a slap to those who didn't send a gift at all. What sort of gifts did they put on sm? I am just wondering if they were particularly funny or warranted a share in some other way.

The only thing I did wonder was whether you are the sort of person who seeks to buy privilege for your child - did you think expensive gifts would make you better than the other parents? Because, if you are that type of person, they might have seen through it and not want to acknowledge.

Comtesse · 17/12/2021 07:14

We put £20 in the collection for the main teacher gifts this year for each kid which at 2 x £20 seems plenty to me. 5 x £35 is a shed load of money for people who have a lot less impact on your daughter’s life. It’s kind of you, but your DH is right, pull it way back next year.

SaltedCaramelHC · 17/12/2021 07:21

I always assume that gifts are meant to be "from" the children, so I thank the children there and in person. I wouldn't then thank the parents, as that's then sort of acknowledging that it's not really from the child in the same way. I know it's a pretence that the child arranged it, but it's part of gift giving. I wouldn't always then thank the mum - which assumes that it was her job rather than the dad's - though if the parent collected the child and I had a chance, I might thank them as well. Or if I had something by email from a parent's account, I'd write back to them to say thanks. But otherwise, thanking the child is perfectly normal.

I wouldn't change my thanks depending how expensive a present it was. I wouldn't even know a Yankee candle was expensive. I thought it was a cheaper version of a fancy candle, but I really don't know.

I would think that if they are thanking me for teaching or coaching their child, and I then thank the child for a gift, that is enough back-and-forth. Otherwise, they might then have to reply to my thank you card/text and then I'd feel obliged to reply to their reply, which would undoubtedly wish me good holidays or ask how things were, and then I'd wish them that in return, and then they'd probably acknowledge that, and so on!!

Much simpler to thank the child in person, and to assume that the parents wanted to thank me in the first place and weren't doing it for acknowledgement. I do appreciate them hugely, so I would not assume that a lack of an additional thanks means that they do not appreciate them.

I'd never put them on social media, and especially not where others could see; that does seem wrong to me. A gift to the club as a whole or something, maybe, but not in the way you've described.

FetchezLaVache · 17/12/2021 07:22

Thanking your daughter in person (as we assume must be the case) but not sending you a text is a bit rude, but not a massive biggie.

Thanking some parents for their gifts but not others on social media, however, is disgustingly rude.

Just get them a £5 bottle of wine next time. If they notice the difference in the monetary value of their gifts, they may make the connection with their lack of grace.

Snoken · 17/12/2021 07:23

They probably thanked your DD when they received the gift, so for me that would count as a thank you and I would not expect any additional thanks after that.

I think it's nice that you want to give them gifts but I think £35/pp is a little much. Spend that money on yourself or DD going forward instead. Yankee candles are really not everyones cup of tea and it feels horrible when you get an expensive gift and you don't like it. It's such a waste. A voucher would have been better.

Somersetlady · 17/12/2021 07:24

@Lanique

It is rude not to acknowledge a gift, whether it is liked or not. I'm staggered by the number of MNers who seem to think their rudeness is justified because 'they too wouldn't like scented candles' entitled, much? Such bad manners.

Op YANBU to be upset, especially as some gifts have been acknowledged on SM, but YABU to spend so much. I get the feeling its the kind of club where the parents are more competitive than the kids? These types of elite clubs usually are more about the parents than the children. Next year, take a step back and get them a small token.

I don’t believe we have been told the gift wasn’t acknowledged @Lanique or that the child wasn’t thanked at the time of giving just that the OP hasn’t received a personal thank you text!

The social media thing is odd but maybe they did they do individual posts or one picture of the gifts with a thank you but you can’t see the candles?

WonderfulYou · 17/12/2021 07:25

YABU the candles are a lovely idea but you shouldn’t be spending that much on your child’s coaches so they probably felt they couldn’t share the photos like they did with other gifts.

I would always say thank you but I’m assuming they would have said this when they were handed over?
I don’t think they need to then contact you again to say thank you again - it sounds like you gave them for the wrong reasons and not simply as a thank you to them.

Dentistlakes · 17/12/2021 07:27

I can understand why you feel deflated op. However, when it comes to teachers and coaches, I always think a gift from the whole class/squad works best. Sometimes gifts from individuals can make people feel uncomfortable, especially if they are very generous. Maybe next time see if you can organise something from all the children and just make a modest contribution?

Grimbelina · 17/12/2021 07:28

Surely if your gift is a 'thank you' to someone (in this case for the coaching) and not a surprise or birthday gift then there isn't the expectation of receiving a thanks back (thanks for the thank you?) apart from when it is handed over. Presumably they did thank your daughter. That should be enough.

SamMil · 17/12/2021 07:28

I imagine they thanked your daughter when she gave it to them?

furbabymama87 · 17/12/2021 07:30

You chose to spend that amount on them with no real idea of what their personal likes are, so if you feel deflated that's on you. As long as they thanked you when they received the gifts, that's enough. It's a bit strange that they would thank some people on social media and not others but that may have just been an over sight.

tara66 · 17/12/2021 07:32

A verbal 'thank you' to your daughter when giving the gifts is enough 'thank you'.

rookiemere · 17/12/2021 07:36

This is where I find etiquette so complicated.
You bought the gifts to say thank you to the coaches for presumably giving up their time for free. Now you're in a snit because they didn't say thank you back. Where does it end ?
I'd suggest people not giving gifts in future if it's so dependent on getting a thank you.

Rollmopsrule · 17/12/2021 07:36

It was rude of them to single out certain gifts on social media. No more expensive gifts for them just a card next year. Your DD will be non the wiser though and it was nice to involve her her giving the gifts.

StruggleStreet · 17/12/2021 07:37

I said YABU because I thought you were expecting a handwritten note, YANBU to expect a text or some sort of acknowledgment, maybe they just haven’t got around to it yet though.

£35 is a lot of money, I don’t spend that on close relatives. Maybe scale it back next year or just give them a card, you pay them for the job they do, I don’t see why you feel you need to get them a gift.

My children are still really young so I don't know what the etiquette is for teachers, etc but this seems excessive.

cookiemonster2468 · 17/12/2021 07:37

Personally I hate Yankee candles and think they're a bit of a tacky gift!

But regardless of that... I think if your daughter gave a gift in person they will have said thank you to her. I wouldn't then expect a thank you card.

Also people who don't buy yankee candles themselves won't necessarily know how expensive they are... they're just candles. They might not actually know you have spent extra on them.

onelittlefrog · 17/12/2021 07:40

@rookiemere

This is where I find etiquette so complicated. You bought the gifts to say thank you to the coaches for presumably giving up their time for free. Now you're in a snit because they didn't say thank you back. Where does it end ? I'd suggest people not giving gifts in future if it's so dependent on getting a thank you.
Yes I agree.

You don't give gifts to expect things in return, even a thank you note.

If you want to give a gift then you give a gift and that's the end of it.

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 17/12/2021 07:43

I don't think how much the gifts cost and the fact that they are Yankee candles is relevant. A thank you for any gift is polite and if I was in the position of your DD's coach and received a thoughtful gift, I would say thank you to the parent. I don't think it's worth getting upset over though (even though I would be a bit miffed myself!)

On another note, scented candles aren't everyone's idea of a welcome gift. We can't have them in the house because DP and DS2 have asthma and they can cause problems, particularly for DP.

cookiemonster2468 · 17/12/2021 07:44

@Londonlassie12

Thanks for the replies, yes I think that's the end of the gifts, I spent 35 quid each on 5 coaches so 175 quid😢 a simple thanks for acknowledging would be nice...
They probably have no idea that you spent so much on candles.
rookiemere · 17/12/2021 07:45

And although the price shouldn't matter, I'm flabbergasted that some Yankee Candles cost £35, I'd assume they'd be on a par with a Body Shop gift box so £10-20 max.
If you're giving a gift to someone you don't know then surely something less specific is good, or if you must go down the candle route, then a wee candle and a voucher or money. I always used to give the coaches amazon vouchers so they could get what they wanted.

3luckystars · 17/12/2021 07:46

They probably were overwhelmed with gifts and didn’t know who gave what. I find it extremely difficult if I am landed with a load of gifts, I can’t remember anything and wouldn’t know who to thank the next day, so I stopped having birthday parties years ago!

If you want to give them a gift, and there is no need to do this, if one coach made a really big impact on your child, I would write them a letter when your child is finished with the club and give them a thank you gift then. Christmas gifts like this are all forgotten about or regifted by the new year.
I would not expect a thank you card or a text or any acknowledgement for this. Sorry you feel you wasted your money but it was a nice thing to do.

Haveyoubrushedyourteethtoday · 17/12/2021 07:47

I’d send a thanks text. It make sure I spoke to you when next you dropped off the child. I’d consider it rude not to. It’s not like a 7 year old put thought or money or effort into it. So while I’d thank the child, I’d thank you too.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 17/12/2021 07:47

@Ionlydomassiveones

If someone gave me a load of Yankee candles I’d be silent too. Your DH is completely right.
Me too. I have a phobia of fire and never use candles in my home. A gift of candles would be totally useless to me.
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